i’m NOT a paparazzi:

a week ago, i covered an event for interview magazine.com. it was hard for me. here’s the story i wrote:

This is how it was:
tonight I made the horrible mistake of telling my editor at interviewmagazine.com that I was capable of taking photos AND writing about the 2009 Los angeles art weekend launch party/mike mills book signing. Little did I know that tonight would be the night I became a paparazzi photographer. My dad was a photo journalist and during hard times he make money as a paparazzi. We even crashed will smith’s wedding! I took the photos, got thrown out by security while my dad denied knowing me and stole my photo credit! Well, tonight all those memories came flooding back full throttle. I was even shouting phrases I’d picked up from dear old dad like “look alive!”, “say something funny!” and “Make me believe it!” Ick!

I met miranda july and mike mills, they were lovely and I dreaded sticking a camera in their faces. They were very accommodating, but when the brute photographer from women’s wear daily came up behind me- the couple became aloof and asked to be left alone to enjoy the party. It WAS, after all, a party! I totally agreed! Oh no! The women’s wear lady ruined the vibe and I’d been lumped into the category of monster paparazzi! Shit! Now I was WAY too shy to go anywhere near mike or miranda! But, may I just say- both of them have piercingly electric eyes! Too late, I just did!

I tried to look busy, important and confidant! I met the girls behind the clothing line rodarte. i met the man behind band of outsiders. I chit chatted with dj michael stock of part time punks and the creators of art for la. I shamelessly promoted my blog imboycrazy.com and my friends new website broslist. I handed out stickers left and right. Claiming the sticker was a reward for posing for a pic.
I ONLY photographed the cutest people I could find- and if they WEREN’T cute, I photographed them because I was told they were important. But my overall feeling of the night was “degraded”. I didn’t like feeling as though I was begging or annoying people or possibly ROBBING them of their time. I am not a paparazzi!

I was told it was an open bar, UNTIL I went to the bar and asked for a pineapple juice. (bartender- “That’ll be $3”) (me- “but I was told it was an open bar”) (bartender- “it’s only free if you’re drinking vodka”) (me-“but, I’m working. And I have to drive after this.”)(bartender- “No dice”)(me- “well, then can I have a vodka pineapple-hold the vodka?”)she poured me the drink,glared and walked away.

Just then a super sexy dude came up to me. I said hi and he mouthed “hi, do you read lips? I’m deaf.” “what? I don’t understand? You’re what?” He took out his cell and texted “I’m deaf.” he was fucking with me right?! I wasn’t gonna be taken for a fool. “If you’re fucking with me, you’re a horrible person.” I enunciated slowly for emphasis. “No, seriously, I’m deaf. If you can’t read my lips, maybe you can read my mind. I’m deaf.” Oh no, he was serious. Whoops. you never can tell nowadays- if a dudes gay/straight/ or deaf.

I slipped away to the ladies room and did a little video footage of myself having an emotional breakdown. I pulled myself together and went back inside, scanned the room and thought- my work here is done. I got what I needed! I tiptoed out the exit and ran to the valet- Hoping I wouldn’t be in trouble for sneaking out sooner than later. And who did I bump into sneaking out as well??? miranda july and mike mills! “Sneaking out of your own party?”I said “It’s not my party” he replied. I apologized for freaking them out with my camera and they said “it wasn’t you! It was that wwd photog” I knew it! Oh well. “Later dudes! Have a nice night!” See, like minds stick together! or is it great minds think alike? Whatevs! YOU know what I’m trying to say. Maybe tonight wasn’t so bad after all! that’s what i began to think, until the valet said “That’ll be $15 maam…. With or without validation.” motherfuckers! the Los angeles art weekend is going strong from Tues. mar 31- sunday april 5. Enjoy! I did! Xoxo

boycrazy freaks out in a super cute ladies room: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

 

here’s the FINAL EDIT of the story that ran! xo

the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it’s fancy and good.

32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn’t advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you’re still in the midst of enjoying your new bff…the orange! pow!

33. don’t eat carbs.

34. everything has carbs.

35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

36. you are a woman. you are always in control.

37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you’re all excited and happy, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!


38. don’t eat as much as the boy you’re dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you’re not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.

39. I’m really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I’m not looking to offend anyone here.

40. you’re not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo

The size of my thighs, and other things no one cares about:

When did everyone start using the term ‘boning’? i know it was used in the 80’s and stuff, but it’s back in a major way and I’m just not clear on when it began to resurface. at first i was appalled and totally not a fan. but just like the rest of pop culture, it’s seeped through and penetrated my soul. and for the same reason i watch the hills and am now blogging, i use the word ‘boning’ instead of/ more than 1. fucking, 2. making love 3. having sex 4. doing it. if only it was this easy to become anorexic!


^ This is what you get when boys like you.

^  AND custom starbucks.


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