Alexi’s Guide to Life: (originally published in LADYGUNN magazine)

 

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1. Never date a guy with a roommate! Especially if the roommate is his girlfriend.

 

2. Just because someone likes a lot of your instagram pix DOESN’T mean they’re in love with you… but I’m sure they wanna fuck you.

 

3. Girls, whether or not you’ve had anal sex, always lie and say “you’re saving anal sex for marriage.”

 

4. If you’re not ready for marriage- just use the “I’m not getting married until everyone’s allowed to get married.” marriage equality excuse. It makes you seem like a good person, even though you’re not. (oh whoops- i just read the newspaper.)

 

5. Sometimes getting drunk with people will make for a fun, happy, wonderful bonding experience that you’ll never forget. Other times: it could lead to extreme emabarrasment, the end of possibility, and vomiting in front of everyone whose opinion of you matters. Find the happy medium.

 

6. If it doesn’t look good on the MODEL, it sure as hell won’t look good on you.

 

7. Girls: next time you pull up next to another girl picking at her face in the car next to you: honk, yell, knock on the glass, and do whatever it takes to get her attention and snap her out of her self sabotaging skin picking trance! We are women! We MUST stick together.

 

8. If you see a girl with toilet paper stuck to her shoe or blood seeping through the back of her pants, you MUST tell her in a sly, subtle way that doesn’t get the attention of anyone but the lame loser it’s happening to.

 

9. When posting selfies, always be sure to include a self-deprecating caption so you don’t come across like the asshole that you are! The effort will be appreciated!

 

10. Nobody retweets anymore. It’s all about favoriting.

 

11. Girls: working out together and then binge eating at a self-congratulatory/celebratory brunch afterwards negates the ENTIRE workout! This is why I don’t believe in exercise OR friends!

 

12. When tweeting/texting/or emailing someone a compliment, the minute you misspell something or use the wrong form of a word- like “your” instead of “you’re” or “there” instead of “their”- it totally negates your credibility! Nothing in your tweet/text/or email can be taken seriously now. You did this to yourself.

 

13. It’s “I couldn’t care less.” NOT “I could care less.” Do you get it? It matters! The point is, you care SO LITTLE, you couldn’t possibly care ANY less than you already do!

 

14. So your outfit is the cheapest thing in the world! That’s fantastic! In fact, that’s encouraged. It just shouldn’t LOOK like the cheapest thing in the world.

 

15. One of the best things about a man who’s been in a long-term relationship is that there’s a 99.9% chance that he’s seen every episode of Sex and the City.

 

16. I know you feel vulnerable because you were naked with a guy last night. But before you fall into the female trap of needing him to love you and feeling gutted and low while you stare at your phone hoping to god he texts so you feel like it mattered and that maybe he cares; before you begin to spiral and feel like you are nothing, like you’re sinking into a black hole due to metaphorically handing over all your power to him… remember who you are. Remember that you’re smart and cool and driven and talented and good at something and have friends and have at least one cool family member maybe, I hope. Remember that you chose to have sex too. That you were 50% of the decision-making process. Remember that you aren’t even sure what you want from him, and that you might not even want him as a boyfriend and that maybe you actually had fun while you were with him and that it’s ok if that’s all it ends up being; that there’s no reason to feel shame: shame you would never think he should feel; shame you reserve for you because you’re the girl and you feel like you have to play that cliché role of guilt-shame-regret-’what does it all mean?’-I was used-I’ve been abandoned now. Think about all these things before your ego begins to feel bruised in the minutes after he leaves your apartment and you wonder if or when he’ll text/call; before you unnecessarily struggle with thoughts like he might not be sure about you or he may not want to be your boyfriend or he might never want to see you again now that he’s got what he wanted/all that he can get sexually. To alleviate unnecessary pain/over thinking and calm yourself, accept that sometimes it’s ok to have a nice time with someone; with no expectations and not giving all your power away. And if this is impossible for you, you should have left the club/bar/show/party alone. We take risks when we interact with people. It’s a risk if you get sexual too soon and it’s a risk even after you’ve waited a bit. And there comes a lot of unnecessary emotional stress that goes along with it. So do yourself a favor and make the conscious effort not to stress and let whatever the aftermath will be, just happen. You could get the call or not get his call without all the stress in the between time. It’s so much nicer without the stress.

 

17. If you ever end up having a crazy make out that’s super fun and passionate but leaves you with a layer of your skin rubbed off because the guy you were kissing wasn’t clean-shaven and his facial hair was in the sandpaper stage, and you look like a burn victim or like you’ve had a herpes break out… run, don’t walk, to whole foods or any other new age-y natural foods or homeopathic store and buy emu oil! It’s a godsend! It works even better than Neosporin! You’re welcome! Emu oil! Who knew?

 

18. It’s important to never be alone… cuz that’s the time eating bread happens.

 

19. Dudes, if any part of you wants to woo me, date me, kiss me, sexxx me, or love me (or ANY girl for that matter)… can you please NOT talk about your ex girlfriend(s)? I want to pretend, for at least a moment in time, that romance still exists and that we are in a bubble where only you, me, and possibility exist. Is that ok?

 

20. Don’t ever BROADCAST liking beef jerky! It’s something you enjoy in SECRET, behind closed doors; like binge eating, picking at your face, and anal sex.

 

21. Only date ‘verifieds’. #twitter

 

22. REAL friends don’t let you ask for a ‘to go’ box!

 

23. Start referring to anyone cool or noteworthy that you’ve ever gone on a date with, kissed, or simply met-  as your ‘ex boyfriend/girlfriend’. It really makes your life story much more colorful!

 

24. Always be sucking on a red lollipop. It’s even cooler than ordering a drink at a bar! Just roll into a club or a party with a red lolly! It totally gives you an effortless, chic, above it all, can’t be bothered vibe. Plus, it makes guys think about BLOW JOBS!

 

25. Always be in the bathtub. Metaphorically speaking. #stateofmind #wayoflife

 

26. Girls: your good looks won’t last forever. For real! We’re all gonna age (if we’re lucky) and then we’re all gonna die! So figure out what you want for your life career wise NOW! The clock is ticking! Develop a personality! Be more than your looks! Figure out what your contribution to the world during your time on this planet is going to be! And choose something that makes you happy! The goal shouldn’t be: marry a rich guy, get pregnant, get divorced, and collect alimony & child support. Be in charge of your life! Do great things! Make a contribution to the world. Find something you’re good at and do it to the maxxx!

 

27. Sometimes the most moving thing about the song is the fact that a boy is singing about his feelings.

 

28. A guy who won’t kiss you with tongue after you’ve given him a blowjob is lame. I’m talking about both scenarios: having orgasms’ or not. But he’s THE MOST lame if he didn’t even cum in your mouth and it was only part of foreplay before sexxxing and he STILL won’t kiss you with tongue after.

 

29. Girls (see above) it’s also totally lame if you have a problem with kissing a dude after he’s just gone down on you. Push those hang ups aside and get crazy/sloppy!

 

30. If you’re not invited to a party and have nowhere to go- just hang out at a Bevmo on a Saturday and wait til someone invites you to the party they’re shopping for.

 

31. Instagram etiquette is PRETTY simple: post no more than TWO photos back to back! Otherwise you seem like a total asshole who thinks you’re SO GOOD! Plus, you TOTALLY clog up the feed!

 

32. You know you’ve had a super fun, eventful night out on the town when you go to bed/sleep without taking off your makeup. I mean, you’ll regret it for sure… but you HAD TO! It was a WILD NIGHT!

 

33. It’s really easy to get stuck in your head. I know this first hand. So sometimes you have to remember certain things in order to put life in perspective. You have to reframe the world for yourself. Here are some sentences that help me when I get stuck in my brain: “we’re all gonna die, it’s just a matter of when and how, so don’t be so concerned with what people think of you. This time here isn’t forever, so there’s no time to be so self-conscious or concerned about others liking/not liking you.”

 

34. Sometimes I look at who the coolest, most beautiful, intelligent, successful, famous, wealthy women are dating… and I think: “THAT’s who they’re dating? I’m fucked!” the pool is small.

 

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ALEXI’S GUIDE TO LIFE (originally written for LADYGUNN MAGAZINE)

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(via Ladygunn mag)


Start referring to everything you do as a meeting. Lunch with a friend: meeting. Starbucks with mom: meeting. Asking the produce guy at the market about apples: meeting. It only makes you sound super cool/important!

•Always carry breath spray and sweet spot wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.

•For ALL dudes and SOME gross girls: don’t pick your nose! Especially in your car. The definition of ‘automobile’ is not: machine that makes you invisible. People can see you.

•If he doesn’t go down on you; he doesn’t get inside of you.

•If you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. This may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

•Don’t eat carbs.

•Everything has carbs.

•If he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. You’re better than that.

•You are a woman. You have the power to cast spells over men with your words, your silence, gestures, eyes, and actions. This power can be super fun/entertaining, and will most likely result in an epic make out and/or someone falling in love with you. I can’t stress how much power you have enough. Use it wisely.

•Always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! That includes cute, matching bra and undies too! The phrase ‘day into night’ should always be running subconciously through the back of your mind while getting ready in the morning.

•Try not to spend EVERY night at his house! I know you’re all excited and in love or whatever, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! Plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! #mysterious=sexy.

•You’re not allowed to buy art at Ikea! Ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! They sell mass produced posters. Remember: every choice you make is a reflection of you. Be careful!

•Always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs, who haven’t had plastic surgery and they all say it’s because they wear a bra to bed!

•Get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss em! They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.

•Try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!

•I don’t mean to state the obvious but: tote bags SCREAM ‘youth’! So hurry up and buy one today!

•Going to a day spa, which involves soaking in a community pool, when you’re having your period is so unsanitary and selfish.

•Never have unprotected sex! Doesn’t it seem like behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method, but they all just lie about it? I know! Cut it out.

•No matter what he says: cum &/or his pee is not good for clearing up your acne!

•Important people drink diet coke. But drinking diet coke won’t make you important.

•Dogs ALWAYS know when you’re having your period. No place is safe anymore. If you’re going on a first date, or to a totally chic party and a dog’s gonna be there and you’re bleeding: you might as well NOT go. Unless social suicide is the new black. Then go right ahead.

•Make a life list of what you want for yourself: What you want to do professionally, where you want to travel, things you really and truly want to accomplish, etc. and put them up on your wall. I can’t tell you how important it is to see what your life goals are every morning when you wake up, right there in front of you. But put that shit away if anyone cool comes over! Yikes! #bonerkiller

•Wear mascara! what the fuck is your problem? it will only make your life better.

•If you find yourself miserable in a relationship, never be afraid to leave. You’ll be fine.

•If you ask your date for a coca cola and he comes back from the bar and hands you a diet coke- it means he thinks you’re fat.

•When he/she calls, let it ring at least twice. Desperate NEVER = sexy.

•When you begin a relationship, you aren’t allowed to gain any weight! Sorry. you’ve set the standard! You are now ONLY allowed to improve. ie: lose weight, develop better style, improve skin condition, get a cooler haircut/color, increase size of bank account, etc. Otherwise your significant other TOTALLY has the right to break up with you… via text.



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