Once again, i’m single… and that’s fine. six months ago i was so content and happy being single. i was having sex like a dude, completely career driven with no ties to my heart and so emotionally unavailable no one was able to get under my skin… because i didn’t care about them to begin with. i had absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship, and that’s when one found me. which is exactly where i think a person should be emotionally before they get into a relationship. um, not the having sex like a dude and being essentially numb part, just the overall state of being content and happy in your singledom. because, ideally, you should be with someone because it’s undeniable and you don’t want to miss out on them because they’re too amazing and you feel so good when you’re with them, and you’re in love! NOT because you need a warm body next to you who could be ANYONE, just because you’re too scared to be alone and think you’re a failure if you’re not coupled up. do people really feel that way? even now? that’s so weird to me.
but now that’s all over and i’m looking forward to getting back to the ‘i’m so secure and happy being single’ state. in a way, even though i broke up with my last dude, i wasn’t ready to be out of my relationship. i actually really LIKED being in a monogamous, healthy relationship! i did! it was great! and the reason it had to end snuck up on me. although it was something that needed to happen, and was inevitable… it all happened so quickly and wasn’t what i had planned on. i had AT LEAST four more months in me to give. ; )
whenever i give my heart to someone and get into a relationship with them, i’m taking myself off the market and giving myself to them because i love them and have the intention that we could be together forever. you have to think that! you should be that crazy about them that that’s your intention. why go in knowing you’re gonna be looking for an out at some point down the road? that’s what flings, dating, and one night stands are for. duh.
i mean, yeah, i’m a realist as much as i am a romantic; i know that sometimes (most of the time?) we’re only meant to have relationships with people for a certain amount of time because they’re a stepping stone to the next life lesson/love/relationship/distraction. but i like to jump into a relationship a million percent. when i say ‘i love you’ (and i’m not talking about how loosely i use it on twitter), i mean it. shit, i hope i don’t start to get jaded or bitter when it comes to love. no, i won’t. i might not ever get married, but i’m going to fall in love as many times as i can/need to/find it, and do so with as much child like enthusiasm as usual. i mean, you can learn from experiences and not get bitter.
so now that this relationship is freshly over, and i’ve just been reminded of what works and does not work for me in a relationship, in an attempt to get acclimated at being a single, healthy, happy, productive, focused, balanced girl again- it’s important i get reaquainted with what it is i’m looking for the next time love finds me.
i’m not saying i want to rush into another relationship, as if that’s the goal of every single girl/that’s what defines success and happiness for a woman. not at all. i could be single for the rest of my life and never get married or have kids or anything and that would be fine. although i do feel that relationships are just as important as being single/comfortable being alone. relationships are where you do the most work on yourself. they are a tool to learn about yourself, using the other person as a mirror you’re reflected in; you have to explain yourself and be held accountable for you moods, actions, words, behavior, feelings. your childhood demons/history/scars come up and all the other emotional dark stuff you can’t see when you’re single.
right now, i’m in a state of reflection and attempting to get some clarity on what just happened and what i need when it comes to having a lover/partner/boyfriend, whatever.
i mean, to be real, at THIS point i just want to MEET someone i’m excited enough about to have sex with. someone who’s single and respectful and cute and interesting… and then, beyond that, i’m good with just getting back to that place where i’m completely satisfied being single and totally/exclusively in love with myself.
presently, i’m not excited about anyone. i’ve just survived a break up, a birthday, valentine’s day, etc.
so here i am: in desperate need of writing a letter to myself to remind me not to settle for less than what i want/need/deserve.
feel free to borrow my list.
alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life:
-we make each other’s lives better.
-he respects, loves, supports, and is excited about what i do for work. and vice versa.
-he makes me laugh and i make him laugh. (so much, like crazy!)
-i am so attracted to him. he’s so attracted to me.
-we have great sex! epic sex!
-he has a wonderful, big private that satisfies me.
-he’s successful and loves his career.
-he’s my best friend. i’m his best friend.
-i can talk to him about anything. he can talk to me about anything. (without either of us getting weird/uncomfortable/or offended)
-we are so passionate about each other.
-we get each others sense of humor. we love each others sense of humor.
-he’s taller than me.
-he has great style. when we walk into a room, we look great together.
-i love his body. he loves my body.
-we can do anything together and it’s fun and easy: long walks, traveling, hiking, being quiet together, making stuff, etc.
-he isn’t threatened by my having a blog where i talk about love, sex, my feelings, and experiences. he thinks it’s great and loves it/it gives him insight into the inner-workings of my brain, and we can talk about it. he thinks i’m a badass.
-i feel safe with him. he feels safe with me.
-we’re creative together.
-he’s true to his word. i can count on him doing what he says he’ll do. i can count on him if i need help.
-he makes more money than me.
-he has no roommates, dogs, or kids.
-he drives a nice car.
-he treats me like a princess.
-he loves his mom.
-i trust him. he’s trustworthy and faithful. he trusts me.
-i believe in him. he believes in me.
-he’s proud of me. i’m proud of him.
-we inspire each other.
-we have so much fun together.
-i’m not shy around him. i can be my true self around him.
-he barely drinks or doesn’t drink, is a non smoker, and is drug free.
-neither one of us has any desire to cheat.
-he loves me so much! he’s crazy about me and i’m crazy about him.
-we make stuff together.
-we genuinely like each others family and friends. it’s fun and warm and easy.
-he’s super sexy and has that ‘bad boy’ cool factor that i need in a guy.
-he’s really confident, but not to the point of being an unlikable, arrogant, ego maniacal prick.
-he’s a master at what he does.
-he’s smart, talented, and well-traveled. we learn from each other.
-he respects women. he’s not a misogynist.
-our relationship is fun and easy and passionate all at once.
-it’s not a battle of egos.
-we are so happy together, and communicate really well.
-he’s completely emotionally and physically available to me.
-he’s really healthy. but not to the point of being annoying and rigid.
-he has lots of energy, a great sex drive, and lots of stamina.
-he’s in a good mood more so than not.
-he doesn’t take his problems out on me. we talk about them, but he doesn’t unfairly lash out.
-he loves coffee.
-he’s a gentleman.
-he’s ok with me potentially never wanting to get married.
-he’s ok with me potentially wanting to get married.
-he would make a good father… if i decide i ever want to have kids (i do, i think. just one… a LONG time from now)
-he wants marriage and kids.
-he lives in la.
-he’s not an angry guy.
-he’s very confident in who he is, what he wants, and how to go about getting it.
-he’s responsible: with his actions, his choices, my feelings, other people’s feelings, etc. he doesn’t play mind games.
-he’s good with money, but not cheap.
-he makes me so happy. i make him so happy.
-he isn’t a moody, passive aggressive, a control freak, or a man-child.
-he isn’t super religious. (spiritual and believing in god is fine)
-he has great taste.
-he has good morals. he has a strong moral compass. but this doesn’t mean he’s a nerdy, boring, dork who isn’t a badass/rock n roll.
-he isn’t the type of guy who needs to be mothered.
-the relationship isn’t difficult. it makes our lives better. it’s a blend of the kind of love you feel when you’re a teenager and your heart beats crazy fast and you draw hearts with your names in it on notebook paper, mixed with the responsibilities of adulthood. an epic balance of sex, love, passion, work, friendship & remembering who we are as individuals, but when we come together we’re even stronger and we make people who see us together believe in love!