what to give your girlfriend for christmas:

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•something that shows you’ve been paying attention.

•stuff she needs, but can’t afford.

•stuff she wants, but can’t afford.

•spoil her.

•make her coffee every morning and bring it to her in bed.

•kiss her in PUBLIC! genuine pda is epic. who gives a fuck about what other people may or may not think?

•perfume:

if you hate hers, find one you’re crazy about!

•clothes:

apc

or; j crew, asos, club monaco, topshopnasty gal, barneys, american apparel, everlane.

•purses:

balenciaga

chanel

claire vivier (personally, i’d prefer a monogrammed ‘duffle petit’ bag with tall, skinny ACW initials, obvi – . but that’s just me.)

•lingerie:

la perla, victoria’s secret, calvin klein, kiki of montparnasse, elle macpherson intimates, agent provocateur, whatever!

•flowers:

in REALITY, you should be getting her flowers ALL the time. a single  rose  (red or white) counts! girls never don’t LOVE getting flowers! it’s NOT a cheesy gesture. it makes girls feel spoiled and as if, even though life can be a dream dasher, there is still hope for a romanticized life to become a reality. you can even PICK them! for free! but maybe buy them so your neighbors don’t hate you. your call.

•trips:

Hawaii, nyc, whistler, bora bora, Fiji, Vancouver, venice, rome, berlin, paris, ANYWHERE she’s mentioned she REALLY wants to go!

•hotel rooms

•jewelry:

promise rings, necklaces, etc. Every time she wears it, she’ll think of YOU and her friends will be reminded that HER boyfriend is WAS better & more romantic than THEIR bonehead loser of a boyfriend.

•bath stuff:

fresh, khiels, lush

(bottom line, bath stuff – like lingerie, and anything else that makes her clean, comfortable, and feeling sexy in preparation for fucking you/making love to you, is a GREAT idea!)

•massages

•spa gift certificates

creme de la mer:

the eye concentrate, moisturizing cream

•silk (real silk) pajamas

•passion

•intensity

•take her to the movies

•hold her hand

•dinners

•brunch

•compliment her

•romance

•a lack of complaining

•light candles

•epic sex:

kiss every inch of her, go down on her, squeeze her, grip her waist, grip her hips, squeeze her ass, slap her bum, lick her nipples, suck on her tits, stroke her hair, kiss her neck, stick your tongue in her mouth, drink her cum if you’re lucky enough to make her cum, suck on her puss, caress her, lick her, smell her, fuck her, make love to her, make eye contact, tell her how you feel about her, whisper nasty/sexy/dirty shit in her ear, whisper sweet nothings in her other ear, tell her you love her.

MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

PS:

…and girls, if you’re lucky enough to have a boyfriend who does any of these things from my list… be kind to him. it’s not a one way street! what are you gonna do for HIM? xo

ALEXI’S GUIDE TO LIFE (originally written for LADYGUNN MAGAZINE)

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(via Ladygunn mag)


Start referring to everything you do as a meeting. Lunch with a friend: meeting. Starbucks with mom: meeting. Asking the produce guy at the market about apples: meeting. It only makes you sound super cool/important!

•Always carry breath spray and sweet spot wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.

•For ALL dudes and SOME gross girls: don’t pick your nose! Especially in your car. The definition of ‘automobile’ is not: machine that makes you invisible. People can see you.

•If he doesn’t go down on you; he doesn’t get inside of you.

•If you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. This may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

•Don’t eat carbs.

•Everything has carbs.

•If he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. You’re better than that.

•You are a woman. You have the power to cast spells over men with your words, your silence, gestures, eyes, and actions. This power can be super fun/entertaining, and will most likely result in an epic make out and/or someone falling in love with you. I can’t stress how much power you have enough. Use it wisely.

•Always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! That includes cute, matching bra and undies too! The phrase ‘day into night’ should always be running subconciously through the back of your mind while getting ready in the morning.

•Try not to spend EVERY night at his house! I know you’re all excited and in love or whatever, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! Plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! #mysterious=sexy.

•You’re not allowed to buy art at Ikea! Ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! They sell mass produced posters. Remember: every choice you make is a reflection of you. Be careful!

•Always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs, who haven’t had plastic surgery and they all say it’s because they wear a bra to bed!

•Get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss em! They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.

•Try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!

•I don’t mean to state the obvious but: tote bags SCREAM ‘youth’! So hurry up and buy one today!

•Going to a day spa, which involves soaking in a community pool, when you’re having your period is so unsanitary and selfish.

•Never have unprotected sex! Doesn’t it seem like behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method, but they all just lie about it? I know! Cut it out.

•No matter what he says: cum &/or his pee is not good for clearing up your acne!

•Important people drink diet coke. But drinking diet coke won’t make you important.

•Dogs ALWAYS know when you’re having your period. No place is safe anymore. If you’re going on a first date, or to a totally chic party and a dog’s gonna be there and you’re bleeding: you might as well NOT go. Unless social suicide is the new black. Then go right ahead.

•Make a life list of what you want for yourself: What you want to do professionally, where you want to travel, things you really and truly want to accomplish, etc. and put them up on your wall. I can’t tell you how important it is to see what your life goals are every morning when you wake up, right there in front of you. But put that shit away if anyone cool comes over! Yikes! #bonerkiller

•Wear mascara! what the fuck is your problem? it will only make your life better.

•If you find yourself miserable in a relationship, never be afraid to leave. You’ll be fine.

•If you ask your date for a coca cola and he comes back from the bar and hands you a diet coke- it means he thinks you’re fat.

•When he/she calls, let it ring at least twice. Desperate NEVER = sexy.

•When you begin a relationship, you aren’t allowed to gain any weight! Sorry. you’ve set the standard! You are now ONLY allowed to improve. ie: lose weight, develop better style, improve skin condition, get a cooler haircut/color, increase size of bank account, etc. Otherwise your significant other TOTALLY has the right to break up with you… via text.

Things that keep me from wanting to die:

1. Flirting.

2. Eye fucking. It’s the safest sex ever, and sometimes even more intimate.

3. Holding eye contact with strangers in general. Feeling awkward is still a feeling, and it’s just nice to feel. Plus, you can think of it like a game: whoever looks away first loses.

4. Unprotected sex & not getting pregnant herpes aids.

5. Wandering in whole foods. Any whole foods.

6. Wandering in Target. Any Target.

7. Clear Band-Aids for black people on white people.

8. The sound of kids laughing… and knowing they aren’t my responsibility.

9. Sushi that doesn’t give you food poisoning.

10. Falling in love.

11. Horses: Looking at them and/or Riding them. NOT eating or fucking them.

12. My friends!

13. Loveline.

14. Men who are just as romantic as me.

15. Woody allen: Annie hall, Manhattan, Hannah and her sisters, etc.

16. Wonderland Avenue elementary school in Laurel Canyon.

17. Making out for hours and hours and talking about anything and everything with someone you can’t get enough of.

18. Roald dahl.

19. Judy blume: ‘just as long as we’re together’ is one my favorite books in the whole world!!!

20. Sex & the city!

21. Bike rides.

22. Malibu.

23. The belief that one day I will actually go to Hawaii, the Island of Mustique and Bora-Bora.

24. Hikes in Fryman canyon.

25. The books ‘thin skin’ & ‘name dropper’ by Emma Forrest.

26. ‘Sweet valley high’ books

27. Felicity. 

28. My so called life.

29. Beverly hills 90210 (the ORIGINAL series)

30. Goodform hair salon on Fairfax in LA! Jay diola (the owner) is straight with abs you could wash your clothes on; and if you ask nicely… he might even let you touch them!

31. Trails Cafe in Griffith park! I’ve never actually eaten there, but I’ve passed by and it looks adorable! I cant wait to go!

32. Naturewell on sunset: get a kale and coconut smoothie & a face melter! you’d be crazy not to/u WONT regret it! Actually, who knows? maybe you will.

33. My mom! She’s had way more sex and abortions than i’ve had (i’ve yet to have my first abortion)… And for that, i love her and have things to aspire to! How do you think i got this way? Actually, it’s more to do with my dad! And NO, i was NOT molested! how dare you! but what was wrong with ME?

34. The canyon country store! I even used to work there when i was in high school!

35. New York.

36. Central park.

37. Christmas trees.

38. Hot chocolate.

39. The movie ‘When harry met sally’

40. The movie ‘Broken english’

41. The movie ‘The anniversary party’

42. The movie ‘Dazed and confused’

43. Sex in cars.

44. Sex in really plush cozy beds.

45. Sex in hotel rooms.

46. The smell of a fireplace burning.

47. How the word ‘cozy’ makes me feel.

48. An hour-long, full body massage.

49. Manicures & pedicures at nail salons where the Asian ladies don’t talk shit about you behind your back, and won’t infect your toes and fingers.

50. Men who pay for dinner, even if they’re just you’re friend.

51. Heated pools.

52. Gregory at andy lecompte salon! He’s funny, flaming gay, gorgeous, looks like a hesher/90′s icon, and is a master at what he does… Hair and talking shit!

53. Halloween: hay rides, trick-or-treating in costumes, universal studios Halloween horror nights, pumpkin patches, and the change in weather and the leaves turning different colors.

54. The arclite. It’s the best theatre in Los Angeles.

55. Seeing movies alone.

56. Seeing a movie with someone i REALLY like.

57. That feeling when you first like someone and you haven’t kissed yet, and just holding hands makes you feel elated/light headed/ecstatic.

58. Fast times at ridgemont high

59. Frozen yogurt: anything vanilla-y & peanut buttery with butterfinger and Oreo toppings.

60. Bubble baths.

61. Epsom salt baths.

62. Baths in general.

63. Coffee!!! Huge white mugs of coffee with half n half! (variations on this include lattes and cappuccinos… But mainly NONFAT lattes)

64. Knowing that you’re good at something and that fact being reinforced by people you respect telling you they like what you do/respect you.

65. Being paid/making money doing something you love.

66. Really good bad tv. (personally, i’m talking about all the real housewife and kardashian shows).

67. Cafe gratitude: even though the names of some/all of the food is kind of ridiculous, and the fact that they make you say the names of the ridiculously named items on the menu out loud and ask you a question of the day is bogus - it’s still great, the food is epic & healthy, and the people who work there are nice!

68. Larchmont beauty center.

69. Malls! The Beverly center/the grove/malls in general.

70. Pace. Super cozy restaurant tucked away in Laurel Canyon with the best food ever. Never disappoints me.

71. Wasteland on Melrose! Ask for Ernest! He’s the best!

72. The Olympic spa! It’s just for girls cuz everyone walks around all naked and steams/soaks/scrubs it out! Whatever ‘it’ may be.

73. Universal Studios Tram Ride. Even though I was born and raised in Hollywood, that tram ride reminds me of why people come from all around the world, with big dreams, to live here.

74. My wonderful therapist who looks like santa claus: i enjoy our weekly, hour long conversations. he makes me calm. he gives me a sense of stability/routine. he puts things in perspective and has taught me how to be kind to myself/make adult decisions/and not be so frantic.

75. Being experienced enough to know that even if everything isn’t great NOW, time makes everything better and to remain hopeful.

• If i forgot to mention anything worth living for, please add your OWN thoughts and feelings in the comment section.

• Follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

Halloween Fever: Welcome to October!

Halloween 2012: Things to Experience!

•Go to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights as many times as possible! (w/ front of line passes ONLY!) (also, it’s ok to eat a churro & a soft pretzel w/ mustard.)

•Go on the Haunted Hayride at Griffith Park in Los Angeles!

•Check out Disneyland & the Halloween thing they do.

•Avoid Knot’s Scary Farm. It sux! Remember?!

•Pop into Hollywood Toys & Costumes just to feel the Halloweeny vibes.

•Have a scary movie marathon slumber party. Incorporate a Ouija board & the game ‘light as a feather, stiff as a board’.

•Go to as many Halloween house parties as possible!

•Take in the charming sight that is lil kidz trick or treating… But not in a way that makes you seem like a pervert.

•Try to go trick or treating in a fancy area/flat neighborhood with good decorations- even though you’re kind of a grown up.

•Go to a pumpkin patch.

•Commit to carving a pumpkin, even though it’s totally sloppy and dangerous! Then bake the seeds with lawery’s seasoning salt on them!

•Go to  ‘Sleep No More’ in NYC.

•Go to ‘Black Out Haunted House’ in NY & LA.

If I forgot to mention anything, please add YOUR Halloween/October suggestions in the comment section! xoxo

Follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

30 ways to ensure people won’t like you:

1. tell someone they look tired.

2. drive past a girl who’s walking by herself and tell her girl to smile.

3. when your girlfriend says she’s not feeling well, tell her that her symptoms make it sound as though she may be pregnant, even if they don’t!

4. look at someone’s food in a judgmental way for a beat before you say, ‘wow, that’s a lot of food! you’re gonna eat all that?’

5. ask a stranger at a restaurant what they’re having for lunch and point your finger so close to their food you’re almost touching it with your dirty finger.

6. always show up late and don’t apologize or make any reference to it.

7. try to have anal sex with a girl after she tells you she’s not into it.

8.  while at a movie theatre, check your phone as much as possible: instagram, tweet, text, email- why limit yourself? and do this all with a super bright screen.

9. when meeting someone new, don’t ask anything about them, only talk about yourself.

10. be rude to a waitress or anyone in the service industry. doing this on a first date is especially good for ensuring no second date or sex.

11. tip poorly.

12. constantly refer to yoga, your higher power, or your therapist when all someone said to you was ‘hi. what’s new?’

13. while in public, be super aggressively opinionated. especially in front of people you’ve just met & are trying to impress. for example: your date’s friends or family.

14. always claim to know it all or have a general ‘know it all’ vibe that leaves you closed off and unwilling to talk to other people about their opinions, ideas, or point of view. listen to someone’s story and then reply with a story that shows just how much more you know on that subject.

15. leave your baby unattended, just plopped on top of the community table at m cafe, droopy diaper bum and all, just assuming people will watch your child for you- without even asking.

16. quote borat or Austin powers. not ironically.

17. be overly precious, sensitive, serious, and/or politically correct.

18. talk about your allergy to wheat or gluten without any sense of humor or self-awareness.

19. refuse to wear a condom.

20.  cheat.

21. be incapable of taking a hint.

22. be racist.

23. be homophobic.

24. get angry/defensive very easily and start fights when you feel the slightest bit insecure.

25. don’t tell someone you have a std before you have sex with them.

26. tell someone you’ll do something and then don’t do it.

27. offer advice to people who didn’t ask for it.

28. be an OVERT social climber.

29. only be nice to people when it serves you.

30. be sarcastic all the time.

•if you have one that i’ve yet to mention, please submit in the comment section. 

•follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life (feel free to use my list!):

Once again, i’m single… and that’s fine. six months ago i was so content and happy being single. i was having sex like a dude, completely career driven with no ties to my heart and so emotionally unavailable no one was able to get under my skin… because i didn’t care about them to begin with. i had absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship, and that’s when one found me. which is exactly where i think a person should be emotionally before they get into a relationship. um, not the having sex like a dude and being essentially numb part, just the overall state of being content and happy in your singledom. because, ideally, you should be with someone because it’s undeniable and you don’t want to miss out on them because they’re too amazing and you feel so good when you’re with them, and you’re in love! NOT because you need a warm body next to you who could be ANYONE, just because you’re too scared to be alone and think you’re a failure if you’re not coupled up. do people really feel that way? even now? that’s so weird to me.

but now that’s all over and i’m looking forward to getting back to the ‘i’m so secure and happy being single’ state. in a way, even though i broke up with my last dude, i wasn’t ready to be out of my relationship. i actually really LIKED being in a monogamous, healthy relationship! i did! it was great! and the reason it had to end snuck up on me. although it was something that needed to happen, and was inevitable… it all happened so quickly and wasn’t what i had planned on. i had AT LEAST four more months in me to give. ; )

whenever i give my heart to someone and get into a relationship with them, i’m taking myself off the market and giving myself to them because i love them and have the intention that we could be together forever. you have to think that! you should be that crazy about them that that’s your intention. why go in knowing you’re gonna be looking for an out at some point down the road? that’s what flings, dating, and one night stands are for. duh.

i mean, yeah, i’m a realist as much as i am a romantic; i know that sometimes (most of the time?) we’re only meant to have relationships with people for a certain amount of time because they’re a stepping stone to the next life lesson/love/relationship/distraction. but i like to jump into a relationship a million percent. when i say ‘i love you’ (and i’m not talking about how loosely i use it on twitter), i mean it. shit, i hope i don’t start to get jaded or bitter when it comes to love. no, i won’t. i might not ever get married, but i’m going to fall in love as many times as i can/need to/find it, and do so with as much child like enthusiasm as usual. i mean, you can learn from experiences and not get bitter.

so now that this relationship is freshly over, and i’ve just been reminded of what works and does not work for me in a relationship, in an attempt to get acclimated at being a single, healthy, happy, productive, focused, balanced girl again- it’s important i get reaquainted with what it is i’m looking for the next time love finds me.

i’m not saying i want to rush into another relationship, as if that’s the goal of every single girl/that’s what defines success and happiness for a woman. not at all. i could be single for the rest of my life and never get married or have kids or anything and that would be fine. although i do feel that relationships are just as important as being single/comfortable being alone. relationships are where you do the most work on yourself. they are a tool to learn about yourself, using the other person as a mirror you’re reflected in; you have to explain yourself and be held accountable for you moods, actions, words, behavior, feelings. your childhood demons/history/scars come up and all the other emotional dark stuff you can’t see when you’re single.

right now, i’m in a state of reflection and attempting to get some clarity on what just happened and what i need when it comes to having a lover/partner/boyfriend, whatever.

i mean, to be real, at THIS point i just want to MEET someone i’m excited enough about to have sex with. someone who’s single and respectful and cute and interesting… and then, beyond that, i’m good with just getting back to that place where i’m completely satisfied being single and totally/exclusively in love with myself.

presently, i’m not excited about anyone. i’ve just survived a break up, a birthday, valentine’s day, etc.

so here i am: in desperate need of writing a letter to myself to remind me not to settle for less than what i want/need/deserve.

feel free to borrow my list.

alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life:

-we make each other’s lives better.

-he respects, loves, supports, and is excited about what i do for work. and vice versa.

-he makes me laugh and i make him laugh.  (so much, like crazy!)

-i am so attracted to him. he’s so attracted to me.

-we have great sex! epic sex!

-he has a wonderful, big private that satisfies me.

-he’s successful and loves his career.

-he’s my best friend. i’m his best friend.

-i can talk to him about anything. he can talk to me about anything. (without either of us getting weird/uncomfortable/or offended)

-we are so passionate about each other.

-we get each others sense of humor. we love each others sense of humor.

-he’s taller than me.

-he has great style. when we walk into a room, we look great together.

-i love his body. he loves my body.

-we can do anything together and it’s fun and easy: long walks, traveling, hiking, being quiet together, making stuff, etc.

-he isn’t threatened by my having a blog where i talk about love, sex, my feelings, and experiences. he thinks it’s great and loves it/it gives him insight into the inner-workings of my brain, and we can talk about it. he thinks i’m a badass.

-i feel safe with him. he feels safe with me.

-we’re creative together.

-he’s true to his word. i can count on him doing what he says he’ll do. i can count on him if i need help.

-he makes more money than me.

-he has no roommates, dogs, or kids.

-he drives a nice car.

-he’s single.

-he treats me like a princess.

-he loves his mom.

-i trust him. he’s trustworthy and faithful. he trusts me.

-i believe in him. he believes in me.

-he’s proud of me. i’m proud of him.

-we inspire each other.

-we have so much fun together.

-i’m not shy around him. i can be my true self around him.

-he barely drinks or doesn’t drink, is a non smoker, and is drug free.

-neither one of us has any desire to cheat.

-he loves me so much! he’s crazy about me and i’m crazy about him.

-we make stuff together.

-we genuinely like each others family and friends. it’s fun and warm and easy.

-he’s super sexy and has that ‘bad boy’ cool factor that i need in a guy.

-he’s really confident, but not to the point of being an unlikable, arrogant, ego maniacal prick.

-he’s a master at what he does.

-he’s smart, talented, and well-traveled. we learn from each other.

-he respects women. he’s not a misogynist.

-our relationship is fun and easy and passionate all at once.

-it’s not a battle of egos.

-we are so happy together, and communicate really well.

-he’s completely emotionally and physically available to me.

-he’s really healthy. but not to the point of being annoying and rigid.

-he has lots of energy, a great sex drive, and lots of stamina.

-he’s in a good mood more so than not.

-he doesn’t take his problems out on me. we talk about them, but he doesn’t unfairly lash out.

-he loves coffee.

-he’s romantic.

-he’s a gentleman.

-he’s ok with me potentially never wanting to get married.

-he’s ok with me potentially wanting to get married.

-he would make a good father… if i decide i ever want to have kids (i do, i think. just one… a LONG time from now)

-he wants marriage and kids.

-he lives in la.

-he’s not an angry guy.

-he’s very confident in who he is, what he wants, and how to go about getting it.

-he’s responsible: with his actions, his choices, my feelings, other people’s feelings, etc. he doesn’t play mind games.

-he’s good with money, but not cheap.

-he makes me so happy. i make him so happy.

-he isn’t a moody, passive aggressive, a control freak, or a man-child.

-he isn’t super religious. (spiritual and believing in god is fine)

-he has great taste.

-he has good morals. he has a strong moral compass. but this doesn’t mean he’s a nerdy, boring, dork who isn’t a badass/rock n roll.

-he isn’t the type of guy who needs to be mothered.

-the relationship isn’t difficult. it makes our lives better. it’s a blend of the kind of love you feel when you’re a teenager and your heart beats crazy fast and you draw hearts with your names in it on notebook paper, mixed with the responsibilities of adulthood. an epic balance of sex, love, passion, work, friendship & remembering who we are as individuals, but when we come together we’re even stronger and we make people who see us together believe in love!

 

valentine wishes/birthday dreams:

ALEXI’S BIRTHDAY / VALENTINE’S DAY WISH LIST:

•an epic make-out

•a meaningful experience with someone i like

•a trip to hawaii

•roses, tea roses, any flowers! i love flowers! sent to me as a surprise, or given to me whenever/however!

•dinner at mozza, matsuhisa, mortons, mastros, pace, lil doms

•coffee in the canyon, at joans on third, at urth

•drinks with my best friends

•karaoke with my best friends

•cake at sweet lady jane

•large black breakfast at tiffany’s style sunglasses

•large tortoise-shell wayfarers ray bans

•a bull horn

•burberry ‘manston’ trench coat size 6 US trench – below the knee

•i-phone 

•creme de la mer eye cream

•jumbo black classic Chanel bag with GOLD hardware

•black Balenciaga ‘velo’ bag

•Gift cards for Lingerie:

la perla

kiki of Montparnasse

victoria’s secret 

•Gift cards for other stuff that makes me happy:

J Crew

Urban Outfitters

Club Monaco

Madewell

barney’s

Fresh

Target

M cafe

SEND PREZZIES TO:

alexi wasser

po box 480876

LA CA 90048

or

email me: [email protected]

or

just follow me on twitter @imboycrazy 

boycrazy christmas wish list:

Listen, I really don’t ask for a lot. I write this blog, make silly videos giving my over the top opinions on stuff, write way too revealing stories about my thoughts/feelings/sexual experiences/relationships, i interview cute boys, write lists called ‘the blind leading the blind’, and do a weekly call in advice show called ‘Boycrazy Radio’… so ALL i’m saying is: if by any chance you feel like you’d like to get ME something for Christmas or the new year, then by ALL means… follow your gut! i love you a ton! and THIS would the PERFECT opportunity to show me how much you love me too! you can even chip in with like 12 friends or whatevs. no pressure. xoxo

ALEXI WASSER’S 2011 CHRISTMAS WISH LIST:

•Large tortoise-shell wayfarers ray bans

•a bull horn

•The ORIGINAL beverly hills 90210 series on dvd

•Massage at Bahn Sabai (epic massage place on Hillhurst in Los Feliz, CA)

•Burberry ‘manston’ trench size 6 US trench – below the knee

•i-phone 5

•Creme de la mer eye cream

•Jumbo black classic Chanel bag with GOLD hardware

•Black Balenciaga ‘vellow’ bag

•Gift cards for Lingerie:

Victoria’s Secret

la perla

kiki of Montparnasse

cosabella

agent provocateur 

•Gift cards for other stuff that makes me happy:

J Crew

Urban Outfitters

Club Monaco

Madewell

barney’s

Fresh

Target

M cafe

SEND PREZZIES TO:

alexi wasser

po box 480876

LA CA 90048

or

email me: [email protected]

or

just follow me on twitter @imboycrazy 

so thankful:

happy thanksgiving everybody: boys, girls, men, women. thank you so much for all of your wonderful support, readership, letters, voicemails, podcast listens, and spreading the word about imboycrazy.com. here is a list of things i am thankful for:

•i’m thankful for my best platonic male friend. he knows who he is. he is my brother (from another mother) and my sounding board. he knows me better than anyone and is at times my sage/guru/voice of reason.

•i’m thankful for having beautiful areolas

•i’m thankful for my therapist who has changed my life dramatically. i’m a lot kinder to myself (and as a result of THAT, to others) and calmer than i used to be.

•i’m thankful for my health.

•i’m thankful for my mom and so happy that she’s happy and healthy and in love.

•i’m thankful for starting this website 3 years ago. i continue to be obsessed with it in the best way.

•i’m thankful for my podcast and being able to connect with people and feel like maybe i’m helping to make people feel understood, heard, and  less alone.

•i’m thankful for coffee, Americanos, and lattes.

•i’m thankful for urth cafe. more specifically, their bread and nonfat spanish honey lattes.

•i’m thankful for having a team of people who i refer to as ‘power players’ that i can turn to when i have questions about achieving my goals.

•i’m thankful for constantly having ideas and always making sure i push myself, even though sometimes it stresses me out because i put so much pressure on myself.

•i’m thankful that i finally like my body and am not so hard on myself and nit picky and my own worst enemy.

•i’m thankful for m cafe and the community table.

•i’m thankful for nice people.

•i’m thankful for the sense of community i feel in a town as big as hollywood.

•i’m thankful for american apparel, urban outfitters, madewell, j crew, apc, club Monaco, target, and wasteland. even though i know it’s politically incorrect for me to like those places so much.

•i’m thankful for pear cassis by fresh, even though they’ve discontinued it!

•i’m thankful for the nail polish: berry hard by essie.

•i’m thankful that men DO still exist! men who want to protect and make their woman’s life better.

•i’m thankful for men from texas.

•i’m thankful for scented candles.

•i’m thankful for having traveled so much in my life.

•i’m thankful that i’m spiritual but not religious.

•i’m thankful that i didn’t go to college and am not embarrassed by it.

•i’m thankful for Oprah, Joan didion, Bethany Frankel, cher, madonna, Joan rivers, dolly parton, Caroline myss, Chelsea handler, Rosanne bar, kathy griffin, gloria Steinem, tina turner, tina fey, Kristin wiig, Gilda radner, Ellen DeGeneres, Rachel Zoe, Sandra Bernhard, and other powerful women who inspire me, make me laugh, and are examples of how women are strong/funny/courageous/brave/talented, and can balance a family and a career.

•i’m thankful that my suicide attempt when i was 15 did not work.

•i’m thankful for ekhart tolle. in a way, he is my religion.

•i’m thankful i have a tight private.

•i’m thankful for whole foods.

•i’m thankful  i’m tall. 5’11.

•i’m thankful i don’t smoke.

•i’m thankful i love eating vegan/vegetarian, but am not so rigid and totally eat steak too.

•i’m thankful i never got aids or herpes, even though i’ve been very sexually active. knock on wood.

•i’m thankful i don’t do drugs. that stopped a LONG time ago.

•i’m thankful i don’t have acne.

•i’m thankful for my personality.

•i’m thankful for not being scared to ask questions when i don’t understand something.

•i’m thankful that even though i’m not perfect, i’m at least AWARE  of what my issues are and i have a strong desire and willingness to work on them and get better. for example: i can be very high-strung and tightly wound. i can get angry very easily. i need to learn how to relax. or at least breath and not act without taking at ,east 5 minutes before i send an angry response text or email . i need to pick my battles. i need to remember that the world is not out to get me and that everything is going to be ok and is exactly the way it needs to be. sheesh.

•i’m thankful or finally realizing/considering that everything i might believe to be true, things i regard as facts (‘the way it is’) that make up the foundation of my belief system, might not be true at all. very liberating and shocking all at once.

•i’m thankful i am a woman in los Angeles. i have things a lot easier than women in other parts of the world. this makes me both relieved and sad. there’s a reason the term #whitegirlproblems is a meme.

•i’m thankful i’m a searcher, a seeker; a person who is always thinking about what it all means, how i feel, what’s important, how i can be better, what i can do different, etc. sometimes this causes me to be very sensitive. but i wouldn’t have it any other way.

•i’m thankful that i’ve decided to toughen up and instead of shutting down when i feel as though people are making fun of me or being harsher than i’d like. i’m excited to rise above it, keep going, and show them they can’t shut me down.

the ANTI love & relationship list:

1. i don’t want to let someone get close enough to see my flaws. its better not to let people get close to you. Cuz when you do, they see you when you’re weak and pick you apart.

2. i don’t want to get jealous or feel threatened.

3. I don’t want anyone to get bored with me or take me for granted.

4. i don’t want to have to compromise or do anything I don’t want to do, go somewhere I don’t wanna go, hang out with people I don’t wanna hang out with… and then be made to feel or look like an asshole because of it.

5. i don’t wanna worry or care or be in a position where it matters what someones friends and/or family think of me.

6. i never want to feel alone when i’m next to someone i’m supposed to love, who’s supposed to love me.

7. i don’t want to eat whenever the person i’m dating is eating.

8. i don’t want to forget about my responsibilities and who i am because i’m so overcome with YOU!

9. i don’t want to stay up till 5am every night and not get any sleep and be too sick and tired to get my work done because i’ve made you the priority. and even if i don’t think i’m making you the priority, my time spent with you has a detrimental affect on me.

10. i don’t want to be forced to look at all my flaws and all the emotional shit that comes up in me (reflected in the person i love) that i can only see when i love someone. i don’t want to feel all the rage and unresolved abandonment issues i have yet to deal with that i can only feel when i’m in love with someone.

11. i don’t want to feel a need to change a guy i’m dating. i know i shouldn’t, but i sometimes do. i don’t want to have to dress someone like a doll if i’m not crazy about his style, but i will feel compelled. i don’t want to have to battle the 2 sides of myself; the one that says ‘he’s not me. he’s his own person. let him be and do and wear whatever he wants. respect that.’ and the other side of me that says; ‘i could SO up his game! i do this for a living. i have really good taste. he probably doesn’t even care that much, he’s a dude. i could so up his game by having him incorporate a few key pieces into his wardrobe such as: a green apc hooded military green parka, james dean esque thin white cotton crew neck t-shirts, white high top converse, crisp apc dark denim straight leg jeans, Levis simple dark blue patch pocket jeans, a white button down shirt, a vertical striped blue and white button down shirt, a black crew neck pullover sweater, a black cardigan, an off white/cream cardigan, suede sand stone desert boots, brown suede desert boots, white keds, an electric or navy blue cardigan, a brooks brothers tailored suit, a slender black tie, a pink and white vertical thin striped button down shirt, a light pink button down shirt, solid hot pink socks, solid purple socks, black and white Calvin Klein boxer briefs, etc.’

this is my problem right? but lots of girls care about what their man wears and don’t feel guilty about wanting to cajole him into wearing certain things. but why do i feel so conflicted? cuz i know that spiritually none of this matters, right? right. and yet i have very superficial/strong feelings and opinions about things. i just do. and i know i’m right. and whoever the dude in question is would only benefit from my suggestions. but would he feel like he’s a pussy if he were to take my advice? or would he be more of a pussy if he got offended and ego-y? i think the latter. he’s the dude. he can be solid on who he is and let the girl act out and be all girly and just laugh about how serious she takes it all. at least that’s what a perfect scenario would be for me.

12. i don’t want everyone who sees us together to think they have me all figured out: ‘oh, that’s Alexi. she’s so and so’s girlfriend.’ i’m my own person! i want to be unattainable and a mystery and sexy and not some girl who’s put in a box and figured out and all taken for granted.

13. i don’t want to miss out on someone who may be better for me.

14. i don’t want to feel like i’m settling and being a fool to jump into something with someone just cuz they like me. even if i do like them too.

15. i don’t want to miss out on experiences with other people: sexual, non sexual, and just intimate exchanges in general.

16. i suffer from the ‘there’s always someone better’ syndrome. or do i? i don’t know what’s more important; finding someone who’s rich and well known and handsome and successful who treats me well (which is some weird sick twisted standard/ideal that’s ingrained in women who live in los Angeles and other major cities what with the fame and and tabloid and youth obsession more intense than ever before) or just being with someone who is low-key and a good person and kind, who loves me. can’t you have it all?

17. a part of me is so anti relationship because i feel like relationships are for people who are weak. i have bizarro thoughts such as: ‘george clooney is a notorious bachelor. not needing anyone/being too good to settle is the epitome of how to be. relationships and marriage are for the people who don’t have the better option of living like clooney.’ i’m sick aren’t i? this is my problem, isn’t it?

18. i don’t want to see you be weak. it’s unattractive to me. i can be weak on my own time.

19. i vacillate between 1. not trusting someone who would want to be with me and thinking that there must be something wrong with him (self-esteem and worth wise) cuz i’m not enough or something. and 2. thinking i’m hot shit and that the dude i’m dating must not be good enough for me. i can do this with the same person, week to week. it’s exhausting… for me. and him too probably. not like i would say any of this to his face. but given my weird behavior, he would probably totes pick up on it and  be annoyed/confused/and spent from it all.

20. i don’t want to be bossy.

21. I’m terrified you’re gonna get mad at me.

22. I’m terrified that you’ll have so much of an affect on me and my mood that you’ll have power over me, because I’ll actively give it to you!

23. i don’t want to try to control your life and take it on like it’s my responsibility. Even if you’re not asking, I have a tendency to take this on, and I don’t like that about me, but it only comes up when I’m with you (in a relationship).

24. i’m terrified you’ll reduce me to some ‘ol ball and chain’ stereotype.

25. i’m terrified that I’ll start looking at myself through your eyes and see what my dad saw in women. It wasn’t good.

26. i don’t want to make you my dad; my dad called women cunts and belittled people, etc. and not only am I scared you might do that to me, I’m more scared that I’ll do that to you!

27. i don’t want to be mad at you because you’re out with your friends and happy.

———————————————————————————————————

I’m so terrified of being in a relationship. i create all these battles for myself in my head. i do desperately want to belong to someone and be loved and cherished and treasured, but another huge part of me is fine being alone and wants to remain unattainable and a mystery forever. what do i do? what’s important? i’m at odds with myself. am i only making up all these rules, and boundaries and expectations because i’m trying to keep people at arm’s length? is it my ego just working overtime trying to create separation? the logical part of me says yes. the adult part of me knows that all that matters and what’s really important is to be with someone i like and who i enjoy spending time with, who makes me laugh, who likes me and who treats me well . but the damaged little girl inside me is scared of being vulnerable and being abandoned and tricked, seduced and betrayed…..

i’ve met and been with well-known, powerful men. Skinny men, chubby men, model boys, poor boys, rich boys. quiet boys, loud boys. funny, unfunny, boring, and charasmatic boys. good dressers, bad dressers. I’ve seen good things and bad in all of them. I just want to laugh and feel safe and be with someone who’s confidant and capable. i want to feel content and calm and motivated and supported and understood… all at the same time.

help. i’m fine. i love you. look at me. don’t look at me.

xoxo



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