some things i think about…

1. no matter how many mani/pedis I get, I’m probably never gonna pick up Vietnamese.

2. Just a year ago I was way more rigid, saying things like ‘I have enough friends. I’m at capacity.’ And now I look at everyone and every situation as an opportunity to make a new friend and for the world to become smaller.

3. I finally realized why pinkberry is the best of the froyo places (i used to totally not even LIKE it), it’s because they put the yogurt in the cup FOR you and you don’t have to wait behind creepy dirty patrons and watch them touch the spigot with one dirt hand while they hold their fucking dog in the other. Egads! Gadzooks! ps: it’s not frozen yogurt… it’s PINKBERRY! pps: have you tried the new salted caramel, and/or peanut butter flavors? i have.

4. it’s like the minute I see someone use the wrong ‘your’ when they mean ‘you’re’ (or vice versa)… I just can’t take anything (no matter how valid) they say or do seriously.

5. sometimes I look at women who are preggers or who just had a baby and I think: ‘fuck, they look busted! I mean, I already have my own body, face and  insomnia issues NOT being pregnant. do I ever really wanna do this?’

6. I probably want to kiss you.

7. I can’t even fantasize (touch myself) about a guy if he has a girlfriend/is in a relationship. I need to at least think the fantasy could somehow come true on a slightly logical level.

8. I’m not a feminist? how dare you! I’ve never relied (and WILL NEVER RELY) on a dude to take care of me; I don’t subscribe to the deeply engrained belief system that a woman needs to get married/have a baby/or have a man to feel complete; i know/believe that women are more than a body or a fantasy for a man (i just wish all women knew that); I say what I want; I love women; I believe they can and should do anything and everything and are exceptional; I’m constantly shocked by and proud of how much women achieve operating at such a high level of expectation (not only can an amazing woman be smart, funny, talented, and successful… but she can run a company, excel at her career, and make & raise babies too… achieving ALL this while donning a stylish/sexy outfit, matching bra & panties, perfect hair/makeup, waxed and shaved body parts, and in heels too even!; I listen; I try to help; I don’t judge; I have great female friends; and the fact that I even do what I do and lead by example by being brave enough to put myself out there/say whatever it is I want to say… is a testament to that! so shut the fuck up!

9. sometimes I get mad about little things. like the other day, I went to Baja fresh and I asked for no cheese on my Americano chicken taco. but they gave me cheese anyway. secretly I was so happy the mistake was made, cuz I love cheese and only say ‘hold the cheese’ for calorie conscious reasons. then the next day, I went in and didn’t say ‘no cheese’ cuz I in fact wanted cheese and was surrendering to my whim like a champ… but they held the cheese anyway! I decided to not say anything because this mistake was totally in my favor. I also decided that they probably made the mistake because I must have come across as a girl who clearly doesn’t eat cheese… and that was really flattering. either that or they think I’m fat and don’t think i should eat cheese. either way, this will not stop me from going back tomorrow.

10. a boy said this to me once, and it didn’t make sense at the time. and when it finally did make sense, I didn’t know if I agreed. but now I think I do. here’s what he said: ‘men love who they are attracted to and women are attracted to who they love.’ what do you think?

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: leave me a message on boycrazy voicemail 888 666-2045 tell me a secret, ask me a question, say something neat. 

I LOVE YOU

online etiquette 101:

 

1. ALWAYS be sure to add a ‘hahaha’ or a smiley face or a winky face emoticon to cushion the blow of what could come across as a cold, mean, or potentially rude email. Epic friendships have been ruined for less.

2. girls: enough with the facebook pix of you using your hair to make a faux mustache! We get it! you’re quirky! But this horse has been beaten to death so hard, ad agencies mention this as a specific detail shot for campaigns they’re story boarding right alongside quotes like ‘make it look cobra-snakey candid’. Let’s come up with something new! How about…

3. when you can, write ‘happy birthday’ on ALL your fb friends walls that are having birthdays that day! it really goes a long way! And if they’re NOT on fb, write happy birthday on their vaginal walls.

4. when you request someone you don’t know on facebook and you run into them, (if they bring it up) casually say ‘yeah, fb kept suggesting we be friends. so i finally added you.’ you can even add ‘and i always do what my computer tells me to do.’ ALWAYS BLAME THE FACEBOOK SUGGESTIONS CORNER!

5. to avoid appearing like the stalker that you are, if you paint yourself in a corner and reveal knowing too much about someone and they say ‘oh, you saw that? you were looking at my fb page?’ Just say ‘no, I saw it in my feed.’ ALWAYS BLAME YOUR FACEBOOK FEED!

6. no dog default pix please. this automatically alerts people to the fact that you are an ugly monster…. and that you have a dog.

7. get rid of ANY/ALL bad photos IMMEDIATELY!

8. get rid of any guilt you might have about de-tagging yourself in bad photos! don’t you dare feel guilty about de-tagging yourself! the person who tagged you should feel guilty… and be written out of your life… forever. they knew what they were doing.

9. you’re sooo much more mysterious when you’re NOT tweeting or updating your status! something to think about. i really have to follow my own lead on this one.

10. when it comes to flirting on fb, girls tend to ‘like’ stuff, while boys ‘poke’. mix it up. be pan-sexually active on fb. ps: don’t you think ‘pokes should be time stamped? i do.

11. never say the initial ‘i love you’ via text, twitter, facebook, skype, or email. some things will always be best said in person.

12. i’ve said it before, never ever send naked pix of yourself. head cut off or not!

13. in addition to the above: never naked video chat/skype. ever heard of ‘screen grabs’? be smart about living your life!

14. you put your private telephone number on your facebook page? really? i don’t advocate this one bit. hmm, except i DO love prank calls… um, what was your number again?

15. never request someones friendship immediately after they ask you on a date. you have no idea how it’s gonna go, then if it doesn’t work out after a date or two… there you are, just lingering awkward cyber friends forced to see each other’s feed. no thank you.

 

some things i think about:

 

 

1. Sometimes when I hang out with other girls, I feel so happy and free and understood and cozy-: I think I can eat whatever I want with them and not gain weight! Maybe it’s because I’m eating out of nervousness, but I really don’t think so. I eat because I feel like we’re in a safety cocoon/ alternate universe/ bubble of trust… where no one will gain weight. sometimes I’ll even decide I’m as skinny as the girls I’m with and that my metabolism works as fast as theirs. or maybe I just eat cuz I’m hungry.

2. Why don’t Triple-A road side assistance guys just rob/steal cars for a living instead? They’re so good at breaking into cars!

3. For some reason, whenever I hug someone in public, I always imagine the hamburglar popping up out of nowhere and stealing something out of my tote. He’s wearing the hat and mask and everything. This has been going on for years. It’s real enough for me to actually stop hugging and look over my shoulder.

4. If I were a child molester; I would open a camp, dance class, toy store, run an ice cream truck/daycare, or be a teacher! yikes, be careful who you drop your kids off with! people lurk where there’s something to gain. gross.

5. Sometimes I feel like dating/being a single woman is more like a game of avoiding an army of dicks from entering me.

6. Sometimes I have a problem; I’m more concerned with casting a spell on a guy and collecting his love before I decide if I even like him.

7. Why is it that Lil Wayne can sing a song saying ‘I wish I could fuck every girl in the world’, but it’s still not socially accepted for woman to think that way about men?

8. Why is it that the guy you want to text you doesn’t, but the dude you don’t give a shit about won’t stop? BUT, if the guy you actually liked texted you as much as the guy you don’t like, wouldn’t you think he was a pussy and be turned off? Probably, right?

9. I hate when people say really obvious things to me about me: ‘wow, you’re holding a lot of stuff.’ ‘wow, that’s a lot of food.’ ‘that’s a red dress.’ it’s always insulting and passive aggressive. just get away from me!

10. The worst is when you’re at the movies and you think you’re all set and not surrounded by anyone annoying… and then the stragglers roll in! Fuck!

11. What am i looking for? what do i ultimately want? I want my future husband (and by husband, I probably just mean ‘uuber serious relationship or father of my child’) to know BETTER than me! i want him to make me feel safe. i want him to be my best friend. i want him to ‘get’ me. to get ‘it’. i want him to be handsome, tall, sexy, funny, smart, great in bed, a gentleman, loyal, and successful. i want to be fascinated by him. i want to respect him and believe in what he does. and vice versa.

12. Today I saw such a sexy interesting guy. He either looked borderline homeless OR on the verge of being a rich famous genius. And even though I saw him muttering to himself, to me it just made him more interesting.

13. Most of the numbers in my phone are people I’d be happier not to see. They aren’t friends so much as people I don’t have relationships with anymore and am avoiding.

14. Sometimes I want to subscribe to ‘O’ magazine, but then I get so overwhelmed about already having missed so many tips and words of wisdom from O’s previous issues- that I get all kerjumbled and decide against it. Does Oprah ever recycle her info/advice/guides to life/helpful tips/or stories? She must! I hope so! I’m here and ready to absorb all of it. All I’m guilty of is not wanting to miss a beat. I love you Oprah.

15. I’m searching for answers to questions I don’t know I’m asking.

16. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too good at/comfortable with/and happy being single, and that I won’t know how to make room for someone else in my life… if/when i find them… or when he finds me?

xoxo

follow me on twitter if you don’t mind/aren’t grossed out by the suggestion @imboycrazy

i love you