“Someone come clean my room. Then nap with me, then drink tea with me, then kiss me, then watch something we never heard of on Netflix, then nap again, then more tea, then make love 4 times, then make dinner naked, then go for a walk.then make some love again, before going to bed.”
Am I the only conscious guy of my age that wants a serious fruitful relationship with a person? I’m only 20. But I’m beginning to see an unruly pattern of misogynistic half-wits occupying my friends list. And no, Not on facebook. Like in real life . I spent a weekend in Vegas, it was awesome to say the least. I fulfilled more than half of my socialite aspirations. I drank out of the bottle, I sprayed champagne on everyone in sight, and I had a conversation with a scantily clad woman while she was grinding her privates on mine. Oddly, I found myself wondering what “she” was doing. In the giant climax (pause) of my sinful menagerie, I found myself pondering the actions of the female in question. “Does she not see the same thing as I do, When I look in the mirror?” I thought to myself. In fact there are remnants in my recollection of the night of me actually saying those very words out loud. My peers didn’t catch the comment, but that didn’t matter. It was more of a rhetoric to calm the emotional sea storming inside of myself.
The feeling I was experiencing under my cool and collective surface was visceral and deep, as the desire to know what “she” was doing arose. The kind that you get when you start to eat your meal at the table in a restaurant. And slowly, Like the ride to the tarmac, just before take off on a flight to new york, you realize where you are, and who you are NOT with. You drop out of the methodized routine of the day and take yourself off auto pilot mode and sink back into the realization that you are alone.That was really deep, I know. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, The fact that most (if not all) of my peers are womanizers. Grown up boys who take part in the same things they did when they were 17. Maybe it’s because we were in Vegas. Maybe it’s because we were all piss drunk. Or maybe it’s because all the real expectations weren’t present in the hearts or brains of their counterparts in their own relationships.
I won’t go off on a wild tangent and say girls need more drive in the field of emotional expectations. But you ladies do need to effectively explain your needs to us. No! not in some condescending and outlandishly complex outline of your love syllabus, just a subtle and sweet expression of your most basic and simplest needs for the time being.
i don’t know why i feel like sharing this with a random stranger, but for some reason it makes sense at 2 in the morning while i am delirious from studying:
it’s better to wake up alone than spend the night with someone who doesn’t give you everything you deserve.
this might not be especially profound or innovative, but i feel like it’s something that people need to understand. warm bodies just aren’t worth the messes they make. i’m far too sober to go in depth about the events which led this thought to transpire, but perhaps an idea to share with your readers. maybe if i’d realized this sooner, i wouldn’t be such a hot mess of a twenty two year old.
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I decided that my old patterns of self destruction were not getting me anywhere in life and certainly not disappearing anytime soon. If I really wanted to change my behaviors and perspective on life, I was going to have to really put thought into how and why I damage myself repeatedly. In the back of my mind, I am well aware that our skin and body are merely functionable parts that transport our minds and souls around the world and allow us to enjoy physical experience in addition to mental. But the world around us puts such a greater weight on appearance and magnifies every flaw until the day we die.
So many of us end up wasting our lives worrying about how we can improve our “health,” while we are actually obsessing about unimportant aspects of routine that in many cases lead us to unhealthier lives. Health is a term that defines mental as well as physical well being, and more of us than not forget about the well being of our mind state.
When I decided to put myself under careful observance and become my own doctor, I realized that my subconscious is merely testing my willpower to sustain sanity and follow through with life despite minor superficial flaws. In times of stress or worry about who and what I will be, it’s much easier to blame my body than my mind. I then become so frustrated and convince myself that once again, I am a failure for mastering the art of making mistakes, that I feel completely trapped and caged in what I deem a terrible place.
i’ll tell you a story that happened to a friend of mine, and by ‘friend’, i mean me:
i’m walking to a meeting in a city far from here or there and i see a pretty girl sitting in a barred first floor window. she asks me for a cigarette or rolling paper, neither of which i have, but somehow i’m struck by her and so i say ‘i don’t have a cigarette, but may i kiss you? i’ve never kissed anyone through the bars of a window’. she laughs, looks a bit confused, and says, ‘ok’, so we kiss. i say ‘i have a meeting, but can be back at this window at 11:30, will you meet me here?’ to which she replies ‘yes’. i go to the meeting, and leave at exactly 11:15 to be back at the window. she is sitting, waiting. we kiss again, through the bars. we exchange first names only, but no information, and i leave.