Listen, we all know Valentine’s Day is a bogus, made up holiday created by the greeting card industry to make money…. But who the fuck cares?! Stop being such a judgey emo kill-joy! It’s here, it exists, we’ve all entered this unspoken agreement as a society to go along with it, so just shut the fuck up and embrace it! After all, it’s an excuse to get gifts, give gifts, and over indulge in sex/chocolate/pink/and red! Let’s celebrate it!
What I still don’t understand is why mistletoe hasn’t made the obvious crossover into Valentine’s Day. What a mistake. Mistletoe isn’t utilized enough during Christmas even. I can never even really find it! But that’s neither here nor there! Back to Valentine’s Day – which I’ve noticed is mispronounced left and right as “Valen-TIME’s day.” WTF?! It reminds me of the time Kim Kardashian (who I don’t even dislike) mispronounced the name of HER OWN FRAGRANCE – calling it ‘VuLUMPtuous’ instead ‘Vuluptuos.’ Who are these people?! What happened to us? And on a side note, not having to do with Valentine’s Days AT ALL—but just a grammatical error that pisses me off beyond belief—is when people sai “I could care less.” It’s “COUNDN’T care less” NOT “COULD care less.” The point of the saying is: you care SO LITTLE, you COULDN’T possible care less! But I digress, back to Valentine’s day and you:
Contrary to what society rams down your throat, Valentine’s Day ISN’T just for couples. It can be enjoyed in a multitude of ways by anyone with a pulse and privates. The following is my guide to celebrating Valentine’s day no matter how much of a winner or loser you might feel like, no matter what your predicament/situation/condition.
And always remember, no matter what you do this Valentine’s Day, no matter who you’re with: I LOVE YOU!
1. YOU’RE IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP:
Well, since your probs quickly on your way to falling out of love anyways, tonight’s the night to breathe some semblance of fire back into your relationship. And if you are happy, tonight’s the night to get real weird and nasty in the bedroom. The good thing about sharing a thingcalledintimacy is that you can feel safe enough to be naked, make weird faces, and try out new postions, lube, toys, etc. So put on a pair of sexy MATCHING bra and panties, go out to a beautiful expensive restaurant… or just some place you love, let him pay, drink champagne or vodka sodas, go home and have the craziest most un-selfconscious intense sex of your life. Just don’t make a baby. I’m/you’re not ready for that.
2. IF YOU’RE SINGLE AND TOTALLY ALONE:
This is great! You have no one to answer to! You’re wide open to do ANYTHING you like and/or meet someone who’s right for you instead of being tethered to some guy who makes you miserable and is basically just a warm body, who doesn’t make your life BETTER; which is what two people in a relationship should be doing for one another—making each other happy & inspiring one another to be the best versions of themselves they can possibly be. So, don’t feel sorry for yourself: Being single is just as great as being in a great relationship—it’s just different! So put on some mascara, a red dress, shave your fucking legs cuz you never know who you might meet, even if it’s the pizza delivery guy! Stay in and gossip/gab on the phone with your bffs, text, insta, take an Epsom salt bath, online shop, put a beautiful slip on to lounge in—just for YOU—and have a Sex & The City, Bravo, rom com, movie marathon. Have a pen and paper by your side while you do this, it’s called multi-tasking, and write a list of what you want for yourself in the coming weeks, months, years. What are your goals: career and romantically speaking? Inspire yourself. Start daydreaming about what the future could be. Make a detailed list of places you want to travel, things & guys you want to do, and what kind of man you hope to eventually be in a relationship with. Light some candles, touch your privates, and call it a night. That wasn’t so bad at all, was it?
3. IF YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE WITH A STRANGER /A BLIND DATE WITH SOME TINDR LOSER:
Well, first off, I want it to be known that I do not advocate Tindr. I think it’s really embarrassing and for losers (mainly it’s the dudes I think are the losers). But, if you must: meet up in a public place. The goal is to NOT get raped and/or murdered. Let him buy the drinks, but DON’T let him buy the drinks without you being there to make sure he doesn’t roofie you.
4. IF YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR BFF:
SLUMBER PARTY! Oh shit! This is gonna be a blast! Like the good old days when guys weren’t yet mature enough or sexually curious enough to make a move on you and all you had/were allowed to do was hang out at your girlfriends house! I miss 6th grade, don’t you!? Prank phone calls, truth or dare, green Mint Julep Queen Helene facial masks, and pizza! It’s not binge eating if you’re with someone else/they’re doing it too. Afterwards, go to Yogurtland and get froyo. So what if it’s February?! Play twister, wear matching rompers, and prank call all the guys you ever dated and all the girls you can’t stand. Don’t forget to press *67 before you dial out! And if that all gets super boring and you guys wanna search for dudes to flirt with: put on some sexy dresses (preferably in black, red, or white), throw on some red or burgundy lipstick (I’m giving you options cuz there are two of you, duh), order an Uber car (cuz drinking and driving is not sexy), arrive at a bar/club/or Valentine’s Day party (where all the cutest guys will be), dance the night away, people watch, and be eachother’s wingwoman!
5. IF YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR PLATONIC MALE FRIEND:
Ugh, what a vadge blocker! What are you doing?! He’s either secretly or not so secretly in love with you or vice versa! Either this is the night you guys have sex… or just go see a movie at the mall and have a wonderful time with a man that makes you feel safe, happy, and not threatened sexually whatsoever. Wait, I changed my mind, platonic guy friends are the best actually.
6. IF YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR MOM:
Well, this is nice! You guys can gab about life and love and dreams and goals and make lists of the type of perfect mate you hope to someday meet. You guys can discuss career and life goals. And all the other things you’d be way too embarrassed to tell anyone who isn’t related to you. You guys can go get a massage, get your nails done, burn sage, go on a hike, light some palo santo, whatever it is that’s cleansing and productive. And the best thing about a mom is that they usually pay and the can rub your back, braid your hair, and give you a comforting hug that won’t leave you with an unwanted pregnancy (is there any other kind?) or std.
7. IF YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR DOG/CAT:
So you have a kitty or a doggy! Good for you! NO, I do NOT think you’re a weird cat person. Not at all! Animals are amazing, and adorable, and a wonderful source of something very rare: unconditional love! SO, if it’s just the two of you (I’m all for cats and dogs—I’m actually WAY more of a cat person—but I really hope you only have one kitty or doggy MAX): Put on something cozy, but well fitting, for a comfortable night in. However, NO sweatpants! Sweatpants promote binge eating, and just because you’re not trying to impress some guy doesn’t mean you should look like a ragamuffin. It’s nice to feel sexy, even if only for yourself. Plus, at some point on Valentine’s Day eve, you may be taking lil Fido on a walk, in PUBLIC… where desirables might see you! But, when back inside, curl up with your animal, order a pizza—which goes against everything I usually stand for—but recently I’ve discovered that bread is totally not as scary as I used to think it was. As long as you don’t eat the whole pizza (in one sitting) you’re golden! Eat half of it, flaunt it in front of your animal; taunt it for not being human enough to be able to ingest and digest pizza, pet it with your hand that isn’t greasy and have a movie marathon. Here are some of my favorite movies to watch at home alone as a single girl with no boyfriend or prospects whatsoever: Something Borrowed; Dear Mom, Love Cher; Annie Hall, Manhattan; My Wife Is An Actress; Truth or Dare; Broken English; Bridesmaids; Flash Dance; Bridget Jones’ Diary; Notting Hill; Pretty Woman; Desperatly Seeking Susan; Beaches; Moonstruck; Sixteen Candles; Fast Times at Ridgemont High; High Fidelity; Almost Famous; Pretty in Pink; Me Without You.
Oh, and after you’re done with your pizza, TOTALLY wash your hands and touch your privates. But don’t even THINK about smearing your vadge with peanut butter and trying to involve your animal in your weird sexual antics… cuz that would be sick… SICK! I’d actually prefer if you made your pet leave the room before you fuck yourself with your finger or vibrator or whatever it is you’ll be doing to get yourself off. Maybe watch a little porn on Redtube after your romcom marathon (or in between Flash Dance and Bridget Jones’ Diary, just to mix it up! Light some candles, plop onto your bed after a 2 hour long Epsom salt bath, and go to sleep with your unconditional lover.