me on nye 2010:

i don’t even know where to begin. i feel like I’ve put off writing a real, journal entry style post on this site for such a long time. for a while i just subconsciously decided i didn’t want to share my REAL feelings with anyone on the interweb, for real. i didn’t want to use this blog as a tool to help me figure out how or what I’m feeling – like i used to.

I’m in a weird place in my life right now. I’m single. I’ve only slept with four people this year. and i want so much for myself. i want my dreams to come true so badly i can feel them/see them- they feel so close. but I’m in this grey zone purgatory vortex waiting area. in between who i used to be and who i want to be/who i plan to be. it’s scary for me to write this. it’s scary for me to say that i have dreams and goals i want to come true (even though, yes, i’m not listing them specifically for you- but use your imagination) cuz if they don’t come true, then everyone’s witnessed me put myself out there and fail. but that’s why so many people are scared to say what they want for themselves and who they want to be. too scared to even admit to themselves, let alone say out loud.

i started this blog a little over two years ago. and i never stopped being obsessed with it. it’s my favorite thing in the whole world. it’s (for the most part) what my life revolves around. when i first started it, people i knew would say ‘calm down. you’re gonna get sick of your blog if you keep at it like this.’ well, i never did assholes! it’s changed my life. it’s made me new friends. it’s showed me that i can make people laugh and that people relate to things i write/talk about. that maybe i even make them feel less alone. and I’m so grateful for that. it’s made me happy and more confidant. it’s made me feel less alone too.

someone who really inspired me and supported me and even helped set up my website (until i had to bring in a professional whiz kid computer dude) was my ex boyfriend Mike. he had and still has a blog, a clothing company, takes photos, makes films- he’s a jack of all trades. he’s also the first boyfriend I’ve ever had that i could really be myself with. even more so than with my five year ex. he made me ballsy and was super encouraging and never got jealous when I’d interview cute boys. he wouldn’t watch the vids, but he’d read my stories and rants and lists. and it showed him another side of me. it made us closer. he got to see how my mind worked/my sense of humor. in the end, deep rooted differences in both of us caused us to break up (not the b l o g)… but I’m happy to say we’re still friends. we even did karaoke the other night with a bunch of people- which is funny, cuz we did karaoke (just the two of us) on our first date. all that aside, starting this site has changed my life. and in these past two years I’ve done a lot of growing up. I’m in therapy, i have a handful of close girlfriends (more than I’ve ever had) and amazing platonic guy friends. i love all the crazy adventures i have with my friends. and so far…. it’s been great being single.

but recently (the last week or so), I’ve been crying a lot. i don’t know if it’s cuz I’m on accutane- it’s not. or if it’s because I’m stressed about the new year and everything I’ve been working so hard on getting made. but i have so many feelings just beneath the surface. i want all the seeds I’m planting for my future to grow and flourish. and for the first time, i think i want/am ready to be loved by someone. but all the things i read in the news and see in real life, and even in movies like fucking ‘blue valentine’ make me feel like maybe love or relationships and marriage don’t ever work out. but I’m a romantic. I’m not bitter. yes, i over-think things and take in everything i see going on around me, but I’m not bitter or hard.

I’ve recently realized that i need to eliminate the subconscious social expectation that is instilled/ingrained in women from birth. no matter how modern or anti establishment a woman you may be, it’s there: get married, have kids. or else you’re a failure as a woman. nooooo! I refuse to feel like a failure if i end up 70 years old and single. I’ll buy my own goddamn diamond ring. i don’t need to be married. being single is great. being loved is great. as long as i have a good attitude and a wonderful group of friends and my family, I’m good. did i mention that being single has helped me remember and spend more time with my family? not like a ton of time, but I’m making an effort! but back to my rant: even if i don’t get married (which I’m totally still open to BTW, I’m just saying it’s OK if i don’t get married too!) I’d like to have one kid in the future. just one. preferably a girl so i can dress us up in matching outfits and Chanel bags. unless two or three babies grow inside me at the same time. then whatever happens happens.

but the bottom line is, i do want to fall in love again. i want to meet someone who gets me and loves me and makes me laugh and vice versa. i just want someone who inspires me and is faithful and my best friend who I’m attracted to. i want us to be passionate about each-other and have great sex and epic kisses. i want to make out for hours and hold his face in my hands. i want us to make each-other feel safe. for us to make each-others life BETTER. i want him to want to hold me and take care of me cuz i’m not so tough. i don’t care how many herpes, rape, or aids jokes i’ve made on this thing…. that isn’t me. I’m a fragile fucking little girl, just like all girls are. grown up or not. i want to love a boy and hug him and see movies with him and hear about his day and go on long drives and…. well…..lot’s of stuff.

and in the mean time, i don’t want to make out with creeps who aren’t worthy of putting their privates in my privates. i feel too sensitive to let people get close enough to have a tawdry make-out with me. i feel too precious. it’s like I’m treating myself with more respect than i ever have. i used to be free’er with the make-outs. which sucks, cuz when you’re more choosy, you end up home watching TV and taking baths  MORE than you would if you WEREN’T as choosy. but that’s OK. choosy is cooler.

but when’s it gonna happen? when will i meet someone? will someone ever love me again who i feel the same way about? I’m such a control freak. i wanna know everything! when? how? where? who? but that’s not how it works. i like to plan and make lists and know what’s going on all the time. but with this, i have no clue.

people think this blog is about me writing about dudes i fuck. well, that’s not entirely true. it’s about the thoughts i have around past dating experiences/sexual encounters etc. my over thinking and neurosis during. it’s lists and videos and heightened stories to make people laugh. it’s never just one thing and it’s not as simple or crass as ‘she interviews dudes and fucks them’ or ‘she writes about fucking dudes’ even though i hear people explain my blog to me like this all the time. I’m actually very sensitive and romantic. people ask me if guys are scared to date me because of my blog. god, probably. but i hope not. not the right guy.

I’m not even boycrazy anymore. i mean, yes i am- duh. but it’s more like ‘people’ crazy. i love to people watch. i love to talk about/think about falling in love all the time. it’s universal. it brings people together. it’s what matters. it’s what makes the world go round. movies and books are written about it. babies are born from it or lacking it.

i love to talk to people during boycrazy radio. i love to flirt. but I’m not desperate. being ‘boycrazy’ is not code for being desperate or a slut. but what’s a slut anyway? if men we’re judged by the same standards as women, wouldn’t MOST men be sluts? i KNOW! totally! i won’t FULLY get into the whole double standard thing. it’s disgusting. but whatever.

back to falling in love. the last relationship i was in lasted for two months and ended in February. i met him last new years eve. it wasn’t right for me, and i wasn’t ready. and now, all i know is that it would be nice to at least have my sights on someone. to have someone to be excited about. but i don’t.

tonight i am strongly considering just staying in. i don’t want to be frantic. i just want to be still and quiet and calm and get inspired. i want to get grounded for the new year. i want to write my new years resolutions, and watch cozy holiday movies and rom coms. i want to box up all the clothes and shit i never use/wear, and get rid of it! get it the fuck out of my life. i want to write down story ideas and all my dreams that i hope to accomplish in the new year and many years to come. life goals. I’m actually craving starting yoga! that’s never been me! i want to see movies at the arclight by myself all the time- like I’ve been doing the last four days straight. i want to go steam at the Korean spa!

right now I’m more Alexi crazy/career crazy, than ‘boycrazy’. and I’m gonna trust that the right guy/love will find me. cuz nothing good comes from desperation or trying to force or chase something. i want to be chased. i want ‘him’ to find me. and even though i already know that ‘love always finds you when you’re not looking/when you least expect it’…. i just hope he’s funny when he finds me.

happy new year.

hip and handsome on new years eve:

Hip, thin, young, a head full of thick hair, and HE had a lot to say. could you ask for more? that’s rhetorical. don’t speak. listen. i really appreciate it when i ask a man boy what it is that bothers/intrigues them about women, and they reach into the pit of their soul and answer. it is a beautiful thing. honesty and concentrated thought go a long way. here’s what one young man said on new years eve……there were other good looking boys that night, but he is the first in a series called “hip and handsome on new years eve”:

(PS: thank you for the tag Jonathan! Jonathan is my super cool cyber friend who is an amazing artist and for whatever reason, decided to tag my image and domain name next to m cafe. it’s been painted over, but i got a photo of it while i could! keep it up Johnny! you’re awesome and appreciated!)

How to get what you want:

I was in a relationship for 5 years! i was too young to be playing house, but I’ll never say i regret the experience because i learned a lot, traveled the world, and learned what i DON’T want for myself. there was blackout drinking, anger, fighting, jealousy, and rages mistaken for/disguised as passion. and in august 2007, we broke up. he was in a band. he was everything i thought i wanted: skinny, angry, successful, reminded me of my dad, dressed cool. he even had an accent. i was born and raised in Hollywood, and he was from Melbourne Australia. sure there were countless cultural differences, and he just barely understood my sense of humor (not to worry-i just developed an alternate personality that didn’t make him mad-and when i couldn’t keep that up, and reverted back to being myself, we fought. no big deal. i was so proud when i discovered i was a changeling and could morph my personality to serve whatever situation i was in.) but, so what! we looked good on paper, and i was convinced this was what i wanted. we had moved in together, he paid for most of the stuff. i was in sooo deep. leaving would have been sooo hard. how would i be able to extricate myself from the situation? when it was good it was great, and when it was bad, i wanted to die. i even cried in the dark during sex once. and i was so covert about it, he didn’t even notice! am i rad or what?! one new years eve we went to a party at that girl from no doubts house! it was a rager! i was drinking, and so was he. i only drank every once in a while, and normally i was a fun drunk, but when the 2 of us were together, with unresolved resentment just barely lurking under the surface, alcohol was our worst enemy. it ended with us in a limo amongst friends and acquaintances, him calling me a c***t and me throwing a glass of vodka and ice in his face while sitting not 1 foot away from him. yikes, that must have hurt. I’m sorry. i jumped out of the limo and started running up Bronson. the car stopped and i was dragged back in. we continued dating for 2 more years. we were even engaged. but in august of 07, i left. and that’s when i became the mayor of excitement city. i got my own place, remembered i had friends, and started dating like crazy! blind dates, recaps with my girlfriends the next morning over coffee! i was a woman! and obviously trying to recreate carrie bradshaws life! and now, i’m the happiest i’ve ever been in my life. 

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