How To Escape A One Night Stand:

dude of the day: DAN KEYES

sucking out the poison:

I’m in the fucking horrible process of detoxifying my body or whatever you wanna call it. in a few days, i’ll be driving to a place in desert hot springs called ‘we care: a juice fasting and spiritual retreat’. even the name makes me gag. but, that doesn’t seem to be stopping me.

‘we care’ is THE place to go when you wanna pay a lot of money to be starved and given colonics. the detox process before going on my fast at ‘we care’ involves: no caffeine, no dairy, no nuts, bananas, grains, pasta, meat, cheese, processed food, caffeine, or alcohol. I’M DYING! i can barely write. seriously. i feel gutted and empty. last night i came home at like 4am, and posted the lamest shit. i blame ‘we care’. 

here’s what I CAN have: 
*fruit, raw and steamed vegetables, juices, herb teas.
*2 table spoons of olive oil before bedtime.
*8 oz of prune juice in the morning and herbal laxatives or laxative teas nightly.

um, why would i need a laxative? how many times can i say this: girls DON’T go to the bathroom. duh. bathrooms are for snorting cocaine, putting on makeup and gossiping with your girlfriends. 

my stomach is eating itself! this is why i could never and have never been able to be anorexic. but what really scares me is the fact that i am going to VOLUNTARILY let a stranger at ‘we care’ insert a tube in my bum to blast my colon with warm water. and then massage out the poison. NOT that i even HAVE a colon. cuz girls don’t do ANYTHING gross.  ALL our holes are sewn up! except the vadge hole- of course! otherwise we’d be USELESS! well i guess the colonic lady’s gonna have to rip out the seams, cuz she’s going in! NOOOOO!


ass=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size:small;”>i’m
scared. i just want to get it over with. i had to pay in advance. NOW this has become more a money thing than anything else. i WON’T have those ‘we care’ motherfuckers keep my money! my head is woozy. i miss coffee. it’s only been three days! but i’m not ashamed; i fucking LOVE coffee! it’s all i’ve got! i wake up for it. it makes me feel understood and taken care of. it totally completes me. that starbucks cup isnt just an epic drink, it’s a goddamn fashion accessory.

anywayzies, back to my fear of the colonics that lurk in my future. i’ve NEVER even had ANAL sex. if i do this, does it mean i HAVE had anal sex? or SHOULD? do i base my feeling on whether i’ll like anal sex on how i react when the lady puts the plastic rod, or whatever it’s called, into my bum hole? oh no! what if it isn’t a lady? i will NOT let a man see me like this! i’ll just have to request a lady! what if all the garbage they syphon out of me doesn’t even make me look thinner? if that’s the case, will it really make me less toxic and healthier? is this whole thing a sham? probably. but a bum syphoning and a few days of not eating CAN’T make me fatter. i did this to myself. 

here’s a look at what i tried to pass off as an alright post yesterday. i apologize. it was superficial bullshit:


boycrazy video- a message from kelly and luke: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

so, there was a party for nylon magazine last night. it’s hard for me to get motivated to go out MOST of the time. i complain, try to talk myself out of it, get lazy, do surgery on my face so i’d be crazy to be seen in pubic. but not last night. last night i didn’t give a fuck. tights, eyeliner, and out the door. i had pants and a shirt on too. but that’s not the point. the point is, i had boycrazy stickers to hand out and beautiful boys to prey upon. and that’s what i did.

i ran into lots of beautiful people that i love seeing, and i even made some new friends. i danced to lady gaga. yeah. lady fucking gaga. i couldn’t stop eye darting (that’s when you’re SUPPOSED to be focusing on the person you’re talking to, but your eyes keep darting around the room cuz you can’t stop looking at what’s going on around you). i hate when people do that to me, and here i was doing it too. but the party was too fucking crowded! i had to! 

a girls hair caught on fire, which i thought was epic. she ran off screaming after we put it out, totally ignoring me when i offered her a sticker. my mantra for the evening was ‘free stickers for beautiful people.’ where do i come up with this shit? 

the ‘hills’ was being shot at the party. i MIGHT even be an extra on the episode. DREAMS DO COME TRUE! i tried not to be, but my friend brooke kept sitting at a banquet near the filming. what can you do? life is so hard! i was so confused! the hills was on tv during the party AND being filmed AT the party! wtf? it’s like that ‘if a tree falls in the forest‘ saying or whatever…. yowsers! good thing i have tivo. xo

in these pix: ‘the hills’ being filmed like only a pretend reality show can be filmed!

self conscious sex:

What happened last night? I’ll tell you what happened! Last night, you got banged by some dude and you were totally boring in bed! I’m soooo disappointed in you! The only excuse for submissive sex is if you’re being raped! Otherwise, it is NOT an option! Plus, guys talk too you know, and you don’t wanna get a rep for being a lame dud in the sack! Do you?? Now’s not the time to worry about whether or not your bangs are perfectly straight. Now’s the time to get nasty! I’m not saying that you should let him stick it in your bum, cuz I actually DON’T advocate that. I’m just saying, don’t stop at GETTING fucked. You fuck him right back, you nasty bitch! Make noise if you want to, make whatever face you feel inclined to (shit, I hope it’s not super ugly-oh well, I say take the chance! How ugly could it be? If you’re reading this blog, it means you’re beautiful!) Get on top, on your side, on the bottom,69 (although my best dude friend once told me that 69’ing is the ultimate in intimate cuz it’s pretty much ass on face-yikes! That’s why I always say ‘carry baby wipes’-that way you don’t have to sacrifice in the sack!), get head/give head! Just wait for my mutual masturbation post! It’s gonna be detailed, personal,and RAD! So please! Don’t lay there like a lump! Even if you’re a beautiful lump! That is no excuse to be boring! Cuz if you’re crazy in bed, super nice to look at AND have a great personality……….YOU WIN!

the blind leading the blind PART 3:

21. just because you have bangs, doesn’t mean you can pick at your face-under your bangs.

22. Just because you exercise, doesn’t mean you can binge eat.

23. don’t be a stripper. It’s not cool

24. don’t get the lap band. even I’m not this lazy! and I’m a mulchy lazy couch monger.

25. always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs- without having had plastic surgery-and they all say it’s because they’ve always worn a bra. even when they go to bed!

26. watch gossip girl! why didn’t anyone tell me how great gossip girl is? I should’ve listened to mike piscitelli! That dude knows! 

27. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you’re almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother.

28. meet dudes during the day! i can’t stress this enough! some time soon, i will dedicate an entire post to this topic: supermarkets, the beach-(surfer patrolling=you can kill two birds with one stone 1. by catching a glimpse of their privates while they towel off and 2. you’re deciding if you’re even into them at all), 3rd st promenade-close to the beach, after you’re done watching the dudes towel off. hollah! (slang for the pop culture phrase “holler”.  fyi.) 

29. for those of you who live in Los Angeles- go to the 101 coffee shop* by yourself. when you see a table of cute boys or an adorable guy all alone, have the waiter send over a piece of chocolate cake. (don’t be shy. I’ve done this MANY times. so put that in your pocket if you need a hand to hold for getting over your initial shyness.) the ‘choco cake send over maneuver’ can only lead to sweet deals! the move itself puts a whole new spin on the 80’s movie scene where a meathead dude sends over a dirty martini to some buxom blond babe in a bar. if the 101 dude doesn’t instantly fall in love with you, or at least come over and say hello with the need to praise your awesomeness- he’s a woman hating/A sexual guy with a girlfriend! who needs him? not you! he’s dead to you! *if you don’t live in la, just go to any OOBERLY TRENDY diner type place where shaggy haired, more likely to be higher brow, hipster boys hangout! yeah!

30. don’t cross your arms when you walk- or EVER! it makes you look SUPER insecure, and like a rape victim! even if you are, fight the urge!!! it’ll make people more drawn to you.

WHAT DUDES HATE ABOUT GIRLS:

Attention attention attention! Listen bitches! we have to get our acts together! they’re onto us. our games, our freak outs, our tantrums. they have an opinion! this is a very special edition of ‘boys boys boys”. this post is the debut of what will be a weekly segment entitled “what dudes hate about girls”. I’m infiltrating from the inside! let’s all learn something new about ourselves! and if we don’t like the suggestion, we don’t have to listen at all! here’s what this adorable, hip, young, entrepreneur has to say:

I Like Boys……














I’ve been referred to as a manizer, a maneater (both literally and figuratively-yuck!), a flirt, a makeout bandit, out of control, blah blah blah. i won’t launch into the whole double standard between men and women! it is what it is, and so i choose not to care. i like looking at goodlooking boys. they’re everywhere: at target, video stores, newsstands, standing next to you, looking out at you from the pages of a magazine, record stores, the supermarket, EVERYWHERE! this blog is all about meeting boys, rendezvous, behavior which could be possibly be labeled as desperate and borderline stalker-esque…….but i promise, it will totally entertain you by either making you (the reader) feel better about yourself, or teaching you where the boys are, and what to do when you find one you wanna makeout with and possibly have sex with. don’t get aids though. use protection ladies, or gay boys, or whoever’s reading this post. i love you.




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