the blind leading the blind (part 139:)

by juergen


1. let people miss you. give them that gift.


2. hey stream of consciousness texters, how about you fit ALL the info you want to express in ONE chunky text! The beeps from you fucking texting me are making me hate you!’s ok, you’re fat. just stop hating yourself and TALKING ABOUT IT and we’ll be fine!


4. it doesn’t matter how much you love the jeans or how great they fit; if the denim wash sux, you CAN’T buy them. YOU JUST CAN’T!


5. look around you. you probably have everything you need. you’re probably indulging in food and buying things you have no need for that you might even already own. How about you start asking yourself if something is a ‘want’ vs ‘need’ before you consume consume consume. i swear to gawd, you’ll start to notice the quiet weird voice inside your head that compels you to buy stuff.


6. sometimes a good way to see what kind of guy/girl your dealing with is to cancel a date with them and then see how they react. You can get a real sense of how insane a person’s ego is when you cancel on them. It’s enough to make you NEVER want to reschedule!


7. if you’re in a long distance relationship (which aren’t real relationships anyway btw) and he only sees you 3 days a month and chooses going home to be with his cats instead of you, you should start re-evaluating your relationship and start looking for a guy who loves you & wants to be with you as much as he loves and wants to be with his cats. Actually, scratch that, NEVER date a guy with cats AGAIN! And ONLY date men who live in the same city as you!


8. the internet may be hurting our social skills, but it’s really improving our ability to defend ourselves in writing because we’re constantly forced to explain our misunderstood texts/tweets/fb comments/& status updates. i mean, sure we could just pick up the phone to avoid a miscommunication / diffuse the written misunderstanding in an instant… but that would be TOO easy.


9. a guy who wants to call a girl, and has her #, but is too shy to call her…is either an ADORABLE feeler of feelings with a sensitive heart of gold OR a total pussy. Guys: Don’t risk being mislabeled and just call the girl!


10. if you happen to be dating someone as insecure as you but who doesn’t respond to your insecure jokes/need for validation/moments of weakness the same accommodating way you do with theirs – instead of focusing on the fact that they can’t see the double standard in your relationship or that he may be subconsciously allergic to weakness in others/terrified by insecure needy women and the threat of being enmeshed by them like he may have been by his mother… INSTEAD, if you really like him and know how great you are, use his reaction to you when you’re needy and use the relationship as a whole as a tool to be stronger and not seek validation from a guy/a person you’re dating or anyone! ever! get out of the habit! be better! rise above the need to be reassured by someone; rise above giving someone your power. fuck this guy! fuck anyone else! sure you hope to be vulnerable and insecure and raw with the person you date, but if he can’t handle it, but you can handle his needs… be the bigger person. it will make you better and stronger and less weak. it’ll open your heart to being loving and understanding of his neediness without expecting the same in return. i mean, this doesn’t mean he’s not supportive and wonderful; i’m just referring to an aspect of men that don’t respond well/and turn off like a robot to neediness. one day, maybe he’ll soften. maybe he’ll notice the inequality. maybe he’ll laugh at your jokes that stem from insecurity, like you do with his- without taking you so seriously. but, in the end, his inability will make you stronger and provide a great opportunity and life lesson for you to retrain your brain and stop leading with insecurities. just be happy and live in the moment and know you’re great and liked and loved without having to ask/question it. pay attention to his actions. the good things he DOES do! listen to your intuition. and know your worth all on your own. be grounded in you. don’t ever walk on eggshells, but pick your battles. and never forget what your FRIENDS are for… to unload all the excess bullshit you can’t tel the person you’re dating!


the state of being single



a journal entry i wrote a few months post my most recent gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart breaking break up:

I am a single woman living in Los Angeles. I just got out of a serious relationship with a guy I was madly in love with. It ended because… well, suffice it to say, it ended.  The point is, I’m single again.

Technically; I’m open to dating, I’m allowed to do whatever I want; I’m tethered to no one and nothing, but no one seems interesting to me. At least not as interesting as my ex was. And even though what I’m about to say is totally healthy and great, it’s completely foreign to me: I love being alone. let me be clear, i’m not saying i usually prefer to be in a relationship… not at all. those are few and far between, what i’m saying is, that at the moment… I love NOT dating. I love not having sex and talking, texting with guys i don’t care about who i know don’t and will never care about me in a real way. i love not dealing with any of the aspects of ‘the search’ – be it a search to get off  or the search for something deeper. At this moment, I am the most interesting and inspiring thing in my life. I have a million things to do, write, see, make, experience and plenty of friends and family who I barely have time to fit into my schedule as it is. Maybe I should start waking up earlier? And yet my curiosity to meet men, make out, feel desirable, flirt, sex and date is so deeply engrained in me. it feels bizarre NOT to be doing it. I’m addicted to the search. We all are. Aren’t we? Stay with me as I try to process all my contradictory feelings.

I love being alone, but I hope to one day find magic again.

It’s a funny thing, ‘love’; both people involved have to be hit just as hard for it to be the type of love story romance to stop you in your tracks and make you say “fuck, this is undeniable. I MUST be with this person. They enhance life!” The level of attraction has to be reciprocal; hitting both parties at the same time, in the same bizarre/intense way, so it’s magic. At least that’s the kind of love that stops me from continuing my journey as a single person. If it isn’t that, why bother? Being single is too great to stop to be with someone you’re only luke warm about.

At this point in my life, as a newfound single again; getting drunk & having sex with a virtual stranger or at the very least, guys I know are most definitely NOT in love with me, who WILL NEVER BE in love with me, who clench their eyes shut to avoid any/all possibility of eye contact while sexxxing me… isn’t as exciting as it used to be. Ya know?

And going on a first date with a guy I already know I like less than he likes me, feels horrible too, cuz every date is just one step closer to him sexxxing me or at least thinking he’ll be able to. So why waste everyone’s time or end up in a situation that could have been avoided?

Right now my main priority is not to buy a house, get married, have kids, and settle down. My goals aren’t even to fall in love or have sex. Who am I?! When did this happen?! My main priorities are to challenge myself, be creative, focus on my career, pay my bills, go to the beach, make more friends, spend time with my pre-existing friends, do things that scare me, learn, work on myself, continue to find things that leave me inspired, etc.

At times, the thought of being in a relationship even stresses me out. Just because someone puts their attention on me and chooses me doesn’t mean I have to jump at the opportunity, as if I should be so lucky?

I find myself having to dodge being in lack luster relationships with guys who are lovely but just don’t do it for me in the way I need doing. It’s not their fault or mine, I’d just rather be alone than have the safety of knowing there’s a warm body in bed next to me; because while we’re ultimately always alone (we born & die alone) we’re also NEVER really alone. Don’t underestimate male friends, your girlfriends, family, people watching, conversations in passing with strangers, etc. Voids can be filled. Build your own support system/new familial structure. Some of my LONELIEST most unhappy moments have been while in a not quite right relationship. More specifically, while laying next to the guy in bed, or during silent car rides together.

Until I stumble upon my ‘be all, end all person’ (which is subjective & only I’ll know it when I see/feel it) who is so undeniable to me… I’m gonna continue being selfish. I don’t want to put myself in front of someone and metaphorically ask them to accept me, cuz 1. I don’t give a shit if they do or don’t, and 2. That would mean, I’d have to accept them! And, I don’t have it in me! Relationships require a LOT of energy and consideration if you’re gonna do it right.

And at the moment, I don’t want to accept, compromise, be interested, make conversation, feign interest, be sexed, touched by anyone, not be my flirty or inquisitive self in public; i don’t want to be conscious & considerate of a partners feelings, come home early instead of late. I don’t want to have to wait to eat and check in with someone and say “Hey, have you eaten yet? Should I wait for you and we’ll eat together?”

I mean, I’m clearly in a mood as I write this and I could change my mind or more fittingly, my feelings, about this tomorrow. HOWEVER, currently… I am the most interesting, inspiring thing to me. My therapist thinks this is a good thing. Perhaps I should continue this feeling even after my A-sexual, closed off phase ends. Me putting myself first . Me being so grounded in myself.

It’s a conundrum. I don’t want to close myself off. I do love people, and I want to meet new ones, and leave myself open to loving and being loved by someone who I could have that magic with, who I’ve yet to meet and have no idea exists. So, despite all my self righteousness and saying ‘I love being alone’: I will continue to feel this way, but i’ll do it AS I date & throw myself into the world.

That almost seems like the best way to date. That way I don’t bank on someone else to complete me.

I’m a romantic. I LOVE being in love. I even love the days when the oxytocin and dopamine have worn away, and what you have is a real partnership/intimacy. A best friend. I love having ‘my person’ if you will. But that doesn’t have to mean I detest being single. Both are wonderful for different reasons.

I have no idea what’s gonna happen. In moments of weakness when I notice all the boneheads aka ‘the men I don’t connect with’ like I did with my ex. I think, fuck… maybe the devil I know is better than the devil I don’t and I consider getting back into my monogamous long distance thing. But, that only lasts a moment before I get back to remembering that there’s too much to do and being single is great.

I have faith I’ll meet my next love just as suddenly and unexpectedly as I did my last. And if I don’t, that’s fine too. I’ll just adopt a baby, become a lesbian, learn to be a pilattes instructor, and move to Hawaii! See? There are a MILLION different ways! And there’s no rush either.

On a side note, my friends (who are totally cool & NOT lame/ugly/losers at ALL) keep telling me to get on a dating app like they are. Um, I’ve always been very ANTI that, but I feel like being anti dating apps makes me sound like a lame grandma and not futuristic. While I have zero expectations, which is the preferable way to go about dating, maybe i should get out of my comfort zone and date via all different avenues (irl, apps, etc) & meet all types of people & then report back to you guys? Hmm… to be continued.

the blind leading the blind (part 110):


1. being mean to your mom in public is totally NOT COOL. keep that shizz behind closed doors where it belongs.

2. always use a soft toothbrush. i mean, don’t you like yourself? Geeze!

3. only date people you look up to, who inspire you, who intimidate you, who make you nervous, who you want to be good for. it will make you BETTER!

4. when trail mix is good, it’s REALLY good. but when you get DUSTY trail mix. ugh! that shit is the worst!

5. will somebody please tell über car drivers to figure out how to fucking get to where I’m asking them to take me on their own gps without asking me how to get there every step of the way?! they’re not even good-looking enough to be THAT dumb!

6. if you ever start doubting there’s a god, stop where you are and remember: there’s a starbux RIGHT next to Larchmont beauty center. um, things like that don’t just happen.

7. there are many reasons why it’s not cool to have affairs with married men , but here’s one of my favorites: you can sex or make out with anyone, anytime. but what’s REALLY sexy is possibility and a future with someone. and not knowing but dreaming and finding out where a new romance could go/take you. but with a married guy… there is no possibility, because all you’re reduced to is a secret.

8. next time you see a guy picking his nose in his car, make eye contact with him and hold it. i want him to see you seeing him so he knows it’s not ok.

9. there’s nothing worse than getting a text from someone and not being able to follow-up right away and then getting a SECOND text from them that’s all passive aggressive saying something along the lines of  ‘well, i hope we’re still friends.’ RELAX everybody. haven’t you ever heard of having a life or DRIVING? we can’t be connected all the time, all day long. cut it out! double texting/passive aggressive texts will ensure NEVER getting a response back… even when the person is NO longer driving or busy. get it?

10. when visiting someones house, try your hardest NOT to use their bathroom. PLEASE! it only makes you appear weak and disgusting.



the blind leading the blind (part 99):

1. Getting a doggie bag on a date is social suicide. i’m talking to girls AND guys.

2. There’s nothing more simple and cliché then opening a text or email flirtation by typing ‘i had a dream about you last night.’ it’s a CLASSIC! I’m ALL for it!

3. Dear fun/good pop songs: stop with the talking chunks in the middle of your epic song! It kills the whole vibe on the dance floor! yes, I’m talking to you Taylor Swift! i love you, but it kills the dance-y flow of ‘never getting back together’! don’t fight me on this!

4. If he doesn’t ask for your number as you leave his house at 3am after your post club/party hookup, he ain’t gonna call/he doesn’t wanna call. #Brutal

5. In friendship, just like in dating: Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you and another person tried each other on for size to see if you’re compatible as friends, and it just wasn’t a match.

6. Chances are, if you’re over/unsure about the person you’re dating… They are too!

7. Girls: when it comes to talking about anal sex; even if you’ve had it, just lie and say ‘I’m saving that for marriage.’

8. When dating someone new, don’t talk about your ex! Use this mantra to help you remember: More mystery, less history.

9. Ultimately, what’s REALLY important is this: does he make you laugh? is he kind? and most important… does he have a HUGE private?! Just kidding! I meant bank account!

10. Guys: when a girl types ‘…’ at the end of a text, she’s flirting with you and wants you to continue engaging with her. It’ s a lingering, sexy text move. You’ve got her RIGHT where you want her! Don’t blow it!

thoughts before bed:

looking for love isn’t easy. it’s scary and stressful. trying to look your best and be brave enough to put yourself out there. seeing yourself reflected in someone’s eye’s. but we all do it. we’re addicted to the search. and all for someone who could potentially give us aids herpes.

i don’t know what i want. i didn’t think i was looking for anything. but i’m always looking for something. i must be.

the older i get, i analyze more and more. i know what worked and what didn’t work in the past.

i’m addicted to newness, but i want intimacy; something that comes with time. but, does it? haven’t you ever felt immediately intimate and electric with someone you barely know and that’s what keeps you knowing them…that’s what takes you to a place of real intimacy? i know intimacy and electricity are two separate things, but i want both. i want to feel safe. i want a good person who fights for me, gets me, knows how to deal with my crazy in a way that doesn’t frustrate me even more. and someone who calms my crazy just by being himself. someone i want to be the best version of myself for.

when it’s right, shouldn’t it feel effortless? at least in the beginning? how long does the beginning last? can it be the beginning forever? is this why i’m addicted to newness?

should i be with someone who’s different from other men i’ve dated in the past? should i try a new way? do i have a type, other than drummer? i feel like i don’t have a type. although i usually pick men who treat me well. so that’s good.

i’m looking for this invisible balance of things. it’s something i can’t quite put my finger on. i want to mix and match qualities in men i’ve known, men i meet, noticed in passing, heard of, imagine.

won’t i just know when it’s right? i thought i had in the past… but those things ended.

is it a timing thing? i mean, what am i really looking for with these men i put so much on; these men i think of all the time and consider; these men i affect and let myself be affected by in the worst and the best way? i mean, i’m not ready to get married. i’m definitely not ready to make a baby: which is what i truly consider to be the life changer. who cares who i marry? it’s the man i have a child with that’s forever. but i’m not looking to do either of those things yet, so ultimately all i can hope for with these dating, love, sexual, life experiences, dalliances, relationships is to learn. learn about myself. learn about others. learn how to communicate and be kind and considerate. learn about what works for me and what doesn’t. and that’s all very valuable stuff.

sometimes (most of the time?) the stress and strain i put on myself emotionally is more than is necessary. i forget to look at the bigger picture and i focus on the minutia under a magnifying glass. we’re all just gonna die and i’m bummed he hasn’t texted me back? well, in a perfect world he would have, but that’s neither here nor there. i’m here to learn about myself and have adventures and grow and be happy and affect others in a positive way maybe i hope. but the nuances and intricacies of searching and meeting and sexxxing and loving are intense and it’s hard not to get emotional and caught up in ego and details that make your head spin.

i hope i’m not alone in all this. i know i’m not. but knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful/exhausting.

my therapist (yawn) says i have two aspects of myself working at once: the adult and the child… and sometimes i let the little girl version of me make the choices for myself and that’s when i get into trouble.

i’m probably too demanding. i definitely think too much. i’m constantly needing reassurance and testing men.

will i stop this one day? or will i just meet the person who balances me out/rights my wrongs?

romantic movies make women sub consciously wake up every morning thinking ‘maybe today i’ll meet the man of my dreams!’ but what if that never happens?

that’s why people settle. i don’t want to settle. but what’s settling? i think the trick is: you have to know you can’t have it all with one person. you almost can, but something will always be lacking. the trick is, get as close to 100% as you can! that’s how you weigh the candidates. which guy comes closest to fulfilling your crazy long love necessities check list? which dude ranks highest on your vibe/chemistry meter?

i get very scared of the day-to-day calm in relationships. when a man says he feels very comfortable with me, i get very uncomfortable. i have a fear of being taken for granted.

should i blame those romantic movies or having had too much chaos in my childhood. leaving me with a need for chaos that resides in a very cozy spot deep inside my subconscious which is why it’s what i seek out and very often create for myself or at least try to create when i’m dating someone or in love, because it feels the way home felt. it’s what i know. it’s familiar and what i think i need/i’m supposed to have.

i have to work on this.

the blind leading the blind (part 95):

1. when someone asks you what you do, just tell them you’re a plus size model. Shhh. Just do it.

2. bad tippers are the biggest turn off! always tip at LEAST 15%. ideally 20%.

3. ‘never take advice on relationships from a guy who wants to fuck you’ -neil strauss

4. just because he/she retweets you doesn’t mean he/she loves you.

5. surround yourself with people who won’t allow you to make terrible decisions.

6. if you want a girl to continue liking you, to see you again, and/or feel safe with you: call her the day after you have sex with her. i don’t mean text. i don’t mean poke her on fb. i don’t mean like one of her instagram pix, i don’t mean favorite one of her tweets. i mean CALL her on the TELEPHONE and see how she’s doing. it’s the right, polite thing to do… if you care. fuck, you should do it if you don’t care. i know you won’t, but you should. so for those of you that want to see the girl again, in a real way, call. be a man. not a scared little narcissist boy.

7. it’s all about cryptic tweets.

8. sometimes the smartest thing you can do when you’re drinking is turn off your phone so you don’t text you know who!

9. only date guys with more twitter followers than you.

10. it’s totally acceptable and encouraged to do several takes when leaving voicemail messages.

the blind leading the blind (part 92):

1. dudes, don’t ASK to kiss a girl. it TOTALLY ruins the moment and makes you look like a pussy.

2. It’s so nice when you see your ex’s new girlfriend and they’re a TOTAL downgrade. #youwin!

3. Please don’t refer to the city of Philadelphia as ‘Philly’. It’s so annoying. i can’t quite explain why, but i’ll try: it just makes me feel gross. it makes me think of Philly cheese steak sandwiches (which i’ve never tried, but just look yuck), and Philly cream cheese (which i don’t even dislike), or a character from the wrong side of the tracks in a sitcom from the 70’s that i’m not even sure existed. also, it’s like you’re trying to achieve some level of intimacy between you, and another person, and even the city of Philadelphia itself that doesn’t/will never exist; ‘oh, you’re from Philly?!  I’M from Philly!’

4. My best girlfriend thinks I should be ready to buy a house, but I’m barely in a place where I want to buy enough furniture to invite people over to my apartment.

5. Subconsciously, i think i’m always trying to be molly ringwald in ‘the breakfast club’ when i use chopsticks.

6. Guys, if you know a woman doesn’t like to hear “aw, you’re moody?! you must be about to start your period.” then you should ALSO know that she doesn’t want to hear you refer to an actress as hot either! #Somethingsarebetterleftunsaid

7. Listen, I know you hate yourself, but obsessively  weighing yourself at the end of each day will only make you feel worse. It’s down right CRUEL! You’re SUPPOSED to obsessively weigh yourself FIRST thing in the morning every day! that way there’s nothing in your stomach and you’ll be your lowest weight of the day! Hooray!

8. girls! eat more bananas in public! it totally makes guys think about blow jobs! isn’t that crazy? i know!

9. there’s a chicness to simplicity.

10. when getting ready for a date, only listen to songs that were written about YOU! it’ll really help your self confidence!

ps: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

a MUST READ article that i did NOT write: ‘THE END OF MEN’ by Hanna Rosin (from The Atlantic)


‘The End of Men’ written by Hanna Rosin (originally published in the Atlantic)

Earlier this year, women became the majority of the workforce for the first time in U.S. history. Most managers are now women too. And for every two men who get a college degree this year, three women will do the same. For years, women’s progress has been cast as a struggle for equality. But what if equality isn’t the end point? What if modern, postindustrial society is simply better suited to women? A report on the unprecedented role reversal now under way— and its vast cultural consequences.

IN THE 1970s the biologist Ronald Ericsson came up with a way to separate sperm carrying the male-producing Y chromosome from those carrying the X. He sent the two kinds of sperm swimming down a glass tube through ever-thicker albumin barriers. The sperm with the X chromosome had a larger head and a longer tail, and so, he figured, they would get bogged down in the viscous liquid. The sperm with the Y chromosome were leaner and faster and could swim down to the bottom of the tube more efficiently. Ericsson had grown up on a ranch in South Dakota, where he’d developed an Old West, cowboy swagger. The process, he said, was like “cutting out cattle at the gate.” The cattle left flailing behind the gate were of course the X’s, which seemed to please him. He would sometimes demonstrate the process using cartilage from a bull’s penis as a pointer.

Read the rest of this post >>>

the blind leading the blind (part 84):

1. This week it’s all about having lots of fascinating, cool, interesting male friends. it’s so much chicer to have lots of guy friends than to be locked down by a boyfriend!

2. Just because he’s famous doesn’t mean you have to be attracted to him!

3. What’s better: a Band-Aid on your face or a pimple? Because I’m leaning towards Band-Aid.

4. But don’t wear a band-aide on your face too often. You don’t want to start being referred to as ‘the Band-Aid face girl’: “so I heard you went out with band-aide face last night. How was that?”

5. One of the most wonderful simple pleasures/joys in life, is when you’re driving your car and listening to music and you see somebody walking down the street to the same beat as the music you’re listening to.

6. You know your friend’s disgusting when they’re more excited about peeling off a biore nose strip than anything else.

7. When a BOY says ‘I’ll call you tomorrow’, he texts you tomorrow. when a MAN says ‘i’ll call you tomorrow’, he calls you tomorrow.

8. Don’t shine a spotlight on things you don’t want people to notice. Stop talking about shit you don’t want people to pay attention to!

9. Instead if thinking ‘ugh, i always wear the same thing!’ or ‘i always wear the same nail polish. People will think I’m boring/poor/safe.’ start referring to things as your ‘signature look’! it turns a rut into something chic and cool!

10. Bras in the dryer? Are you fucking kidding me?

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy 

PPS: i’ll be speaking tonight Tuesday, April 3rd at 8:30pm at ASU (ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY) – Tempe Campus. I’ll be at Cholla Apartments in the E-Lounge. Park in the Rural Road parking structure, it’s free after 7pm, and cross the street to Cholla Apartments- the apartments with the Maroon & Gold shades just north of Dutch Brothers on Rural!

Spread the word!! Post any questions on the Facebook page!

the blind leading the blind (part 79):

1. men don’t like being told what to do or how to be. So find the man you have to do that LEAST with

2. sometimes you just have to rip it off like a band-aide and do something that’s sad but ultimately the best thing for your life/needs/overall happiness.

3. I hate how dogs always know you’re having your period.. and that you hate dogs.

4. 2012 is all about bold splashes of color on your face. By that, I mean red lipstick… not infected sperm.

5. sometimes all you wanna hear are beautiful things… Even if they’re all lies.

6. you’re not allowed to make fun of people for things that they were born with/can’t change. However, when it comes to bad choices they make while living their life… go right ahead and make fun of them all you want!

7. ear plugs are very oc. 2012 is all about shrinking, and ultimately closing up your plugs.

8. please don’t ride a motorcycle.

9. but I don’t WANT to be ‘linked in’.

10. you can’t take advice from people you don’t respect/or whose lifestyle choices you don’t agree with. but isn’t funny how ok these people are about doling out advice?