the blind leading the blind (part 110):

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1. being mean to your mom in public is totally NOT COOL. keep that shizz behind closed doors where it belongs.

2. always use a soft toothbrush. i mean, don’t you like yourself? Geeze!

3. only date people you look up to, who inspire you, who intimidate you, who make you nervous, who you want to be good for. it will make you BETTER!

4. when trail mix is good, it’s REALLY good. but when you get DUSTY trail mix. ugh! that shit is the worst!

5. will somebody please tell über car drivers to figure out how to fucking get to where I’m asking them to take me on their own gps without asking me how to get there every step of the way?! they’re not even good-looking enough to be THAT dumb!

6. if you ever start doubting there’s a god, stop where you are and remember: there’s a starbux RIGHT next to Larchmont beauty center. um, things like that don’t just happen.

7. there are many reasons why it’s not cool to have affairs with married men , but here’s one of my favorites: you can sex or make out with anyone, anytime. but what’s REALLY sexy is possibility and a future with someone. and not knowing but dreaming and finding out where a new romance could go/take you. but with a married guy… there is no possibility, because all you’re reduced to is a secret.

8. next time you see a guy picking his nose in his car, make eye contact with him and hold it. i want him to see you seeing him so he knows it’s not ok.

9. there’s nothing worse than getting a text from someone and not being able to follow-up right away and then getting a SECOND text from them that’s all passive aggressive saying something along the lines of  ’well, i hope we’re still friends.’ RELAX everybody. haven’t you ever heard of having a life or DRIVING? we can’t be connected all the time, all day long. cut it out! double texting/passive aggressive texts will ensure NEVER getting a response back… even when the person is NO longer driving or busy. get it?

10. when visiting someones house, try your hardest NOT to use their bathroom. PLEASE! it only makes you appear weak and disgusting.

PS:

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @imboycrazy

the blind leading the blind (part 99):

1. Getting a doggie bag on a date is social suicide. i’m talking to girls AND guys.

2. There’s nothing more simple and cliché then opening a text or email flirtation by typing ‘i had a dream about you last night.’ it’s a CLASSIC! I’m ALL for it!

3. Dear fun/good pop songs: stop with the talking chunks in the middle of your epic song! It kills the whole vibe on the dance floor! yes, I’m talking to you Taylor Swift! i love you, but it kills the dance-y flow of ‘never getting back together’! don’t fight me on this!

4. If he doesn’t ask for your number as you leave his house at 3am after your post club/party hookup, he ain’t gonna call/he doesn’t wanna call. #Brutal

5. In friendship, just like in dating: Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you and another person tried each other on for size to see if you’re compatible as friends, and it just wasn’t a match.

6. Chances are, if you’re over/unsure about the person you’re dating… They are too!

7. Girls: when it comes to talking about anal sex; even if you’ve had it, just lie and say ‘I’m saving that for marriage.’

8. When dating someone new, don’t talk about your ex! Use this mantra to help you remember: More mystery, less history.

9. Ultimately, what’s REALLY important is this: does he make you laugh? is he kind? and most important… does he have a HUGE private?! Just kidding! I meant bank account!

10. Guys: when a girl types ‘…’ at the end of a text, she’s flirting with you and wants you to continue engaging with her. It’ s a lingering, sexy text move. You’ve got her RIGHT where you want her! Don’t blow it!

thoughts before bed:

looking for love isn’t easy. it’s scary and stressful. trying to look your best and be brave enough to put yourself out there. seeing yourself reflected in someone’s eye’s. but we all do it. we’re addicted to the search. and all for someone who could potentially give us aids herpes.

i don’t know what i want. i didn’t think i was looking for anything. but i’m always looking for something. i must be.

the older i get, i analyze more and more. i know what worked and what didn’t work in the past.

i’m addicted to newness, but i want intimacy; something that comes with time. but, does it? haven’t you ever felt immediately intimate and electric with someone you barely know and that’s what keeps you knowing them…that’s what takes you to a place of real intimacy? i know intimacy and electricity are two separate things, but i want both. i want to feel safe. i want a good person who fights for me, gets me, knows how to deal with my crazy in a way that doesn’t frustrate me even more. and someone who calms my crazy just by being himself. someone i want to be the best version of myself for.

when it’s right, shouldn’t it feel effortless? at least in the beginning? how long does the beginning last? can it be the beginning forever? is this why i’m addicted to newness?

should i be with someone who’s different from other men i’ve dated in the past? should i try a new way? do i have a type, other than drummer? i feel like i don’t have a type. although i usually pick men who treat me well. so that’s good.

i’m looking for this invisible balance of things. it’s something i can’t quite put my finger on. i want to mix and match qualities in men i’ve known, men i meet, noticed in passing, heard of, imagine.

won’t i just know when it’s right? i thought i had in the past… but those things ended.

is it a timing thing? i mean, what am i really looking for with these men i put so much on; these men i think of all the time and consider; these men i affect and let myself be affected by in the worst and the best way? i mean, i’m not ready to get married. i’m definitely not ready to make a baby: which is what i truly consider to be the life changer. who cares who i marry? it’s the man i have a child with that’s forever. but i’m not looking to do either of those things yet, so ultimately all i can hope for with these dating, love, sexual, life experiences, dalliances, relationships is to learn. learn about myself. learn about others. learn how to communicate and be kind and considerate. learn about what works for me and what doesn’t. and that’s all very valuable stuff.

sometimes (most of the time?) the stress and strain i put on myself emotionally is more than is necessary. i forget to look at the bigger picture and i focus on the minutia under a magnifying glass. we’re all just gonna die and i’m bummed he hasn’t texted me back? well, in a perfect world he would have, but that’s neither here nor there. i’m here to learn about myself and have adventures and grow and be happy and affect others in a positive way maybe i hope. but the nuances and intricacies of searching and meeting and sexxxing and loving are intense and it’s hard not to get emotional and caught up in ego and details that make your head spin.

i hope i’m not alone in all this. i know i’m not. but knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful/exhausting.

my therapist (yawn) says i have two aspects of myself working at once: the adult and the child… and sometimes i let the little girl version of me make the choices for myself and that’s when i get into trouble.

i’m probably too demanding. i definitely think too much. i’m constantly needing reassurance and testing men.

will i stop this one day? or will i just meet the person who balances me out/rights my wrongs?

romantic movies make women sub consciously wake up every morning thinking ‘maybe today i’ll meet the man of my dreams!’ but what if that never happens?

that’s why people settle. i don’t want to settle. but what’s settling? i think the trick is: you have to know you can’t have it all with one person. you almost can, but something will always be lacking. the trick is, get as close to 100% as you can! that’s how you weigh the candidates. which guy comes closest to fulfilling your crazy long love necessities check list? which dude ranks highest on your vibe/chemistry meter?

i get very scared of the day-to-day calm in relationships. when a man says he feels very comfortable with me, i get very uncomfortable. i have a fear of being taken for granted.

should i blame those romantic movies or having had too much chaos in my childhood. leaving me with a need for chaos that resides in a very cozy spot deep inside my subconscious which is why it’s what i seek out and very often create for myself or at least try to create when i’m dating someone or in love, because it feels the way home felt. it’s what i know. it’s familiar and what i think i need/i’m supposed to have.

i have to work on this.

the blind leading the blind (part 95):

1. when someone asks you what you do, just tell them you’re a plus size model. Shhh. Just do it.

2. bad tippers are the biggest turn off! always tip at LEAST 15%. ideally 20%.

3. ‘never take advice on relationships from a guy who wants to fuck you’ -neil strauss

4. just because he/she retweets you doesn’t mean he/she loves you.

5. surround yourself with people who won’t allow you to make terrible decisions.

6. if you want a girl to continue liking you, to see you again, and/or feel safe with you: call her the day after you have sex with her. i don’t mean text. i don’t mean poke her on fb. i don’t mean like one of her instagram pix, i don’t mean favorite one of her tweets. i mean CALL her on the TELEPHONE and see how she’s doing. it’s the right, polite thing to do… if you care. fuck, you should do it if you don’t care. i know you won’t, but you should. so for those of you that want to see the girl again, in a real way, call. be a man. not a scared little narcissist boy.

7. it’s all about cryptic tweets.

8. sometimes the smartest thing you can do when you’re drinking is turn off your phone so you don’t text you know who!

9. only date guys with more twitter followers than you.

10. it’s totally acceptable and encouraged to do several takes when leaving voicemail messages.

the blind leading the blind (part 92):

1. dudes, don’t ASK to kiss a girl. it TOTALLY ruins the moment and makes you look like a pussy.

2. It’s so nice when you see your ex’s new girlfriend and they’re a TOTAL downgrade. #youwin!

3. Please don’t refer to the city of Philadelphia as ‘Philly’. It’s so annoying. i can’t quite explain why, but i’ll try: it just makes me feel gross. it makes me think of Philly cheese steak sandwiches (which i’ve never tried, but just look yuck), and Philly cream cheese (which i don’t even dislike), or a character from the wrong side of the tracks in a sitcom from the 70′s that i’m not even sure existed. also, it’s like you’re trying to achieve some level of intimacy between you, and another person, and even the city of Philadelphia itself that doesn’t/will never exist; ‘oh, you’re from Philly?!  I’M from Philly!’

4. My best girlfriend thinks I should be ready to buy a house, but I’m barely in a place where I want to buy enough furniture to invite people over to my apartment.

5. Subconsciously, i think i’m always trying to be molly ringwald in ‘the breakfast club’ when i use chopsticks.

6. Guys, if you know a woman doesn’t like to hear “aw, you’re moody?! you must be about to start your period.” then you should ALSO know that she doesn’t want to hear you refer to an actress as hot either! #Somethingsarebetterleftunsaid

7. Listen, I know you hate yourself, but obsessively  weighing yourself at the end of each day will only make you feel worse. It’s down right CRUEL! You’re SUPPOSED to obsessively weigh yourself FIRST thing in the morning every day! that way there’s nothing in your stomach and you’ll be your lowest weight of the day! Hooray!

8. girls! eat more bananas in public! it totally makes guys think about blow jobs! isn’t that crazy? i know!

9. there’s a chicness to simplicity.

10. when getting ready for a date, only listen to songs that were written about YOU! it’ll really help your self confidence!

ps: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

a MUST READ article that i did NOT write: ‘THE END OF MEN’ by Hanna Rosin (from The Atlantic)

 

‘The End of Men’ written by Hanna Rosin (originally published in the Atlantic)

Earlier this year, women became the majority of the workforce for the first time in U.S. history. Most managers are now women too. And for every two men who get a college degree this year, three women will do the same. For years, women’s progress has been cast as a struggle for equality. But what if equality isn’t the end point? What if modern, postindustrial society is simply better suited to women? A report on the unprecedented role reversal now under way— and its vast cultural consequences.

IN THE 1970s the biologist Ronald Ericsson came up with a way to separate sperm carrying the male-producing Y chromosome from those carrying the X. He sent the two kinds of sperm swimming down a glass tube through ever-thicker albumin barriers. The sperm with the X chromosome had a larger head and a longer tail, and so, he figured, they would get bogged down in the viscous liquid. The sperm with the Y chromosome were leaner and faster and could swim down to the bottom of the tube more efficiently. Ericsson had grown up on a ranch in South Dakota, where he’d developed an Old West, cowboy swagger. The process, he said, was like “cutting out cattle at the gate.” The cattle left flailing behind the gate were of course the X’s, which seemed to please him. He would sometimes demonstrate the process using cartilage from a bull’s penis as a pointer.

Read the rest of this post >>>

the blind leading the blind (part 84):

1. This week it’s all about having lots of fascinating, cool, interesting male friends. it’s so much chicer to have lots of guy friends than to be locked down by a boyfriend!

2. Just because he’s famous doesn’t mean you have to be attracted to him!

3. What’s better: a Band-Aid on your face or a pimple? Because I’m leaning towards Band-Aid.

4. But don’t wear a band-aide on your face too often. You don’t want to start being referred to as ‘the Band-Aid face girl’: “so I heard you went out with band-aide face last night. How was that?”

5. One of the most wonderful simple pleasures/joys in life, is when you’re driving your car and listening to music and you see somebody walking down the street to the same beat as the music you’re listening to.

6. You know your friend’s disgusting when they’re more excited about peeling off a biore nose strip than anything else.

7. When a BOY says ‘I’ll call you tomorrow’, he texts you tomorrow. when a MAN says ‘i’ll call you tomorrow’, he calls you tomorrow.

8. Don’t shine a spotlight on things you don’t want people to notice. Stop talking about shit you don’t want people to pay attention to!

9. Instead if thinking ‘ugh, i always wear the same thing!’ or ‘i always wear the same nail polish. People will think I’m boring/poor/safe.’ start referring to things as your ‘signature look’! it turns a rut into something chic and cool!

10. Bras in the dryer? Are you fucking kidding me?

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy 

PPS: i’ll be speaking tonight Tuesday, April 3rd at 8:30pm at ASU (ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY) - Tempe Campus. I’ll be at Cholla Apartments in the E-Lounge. Park in the Rural Road parking structure, it’s free after 7pm, and cross the street to Cholla Apartments- the apartments with the Maroon & Gold shades just north of Dutch Brothers on Rural!

Spread the word!! Post any questions on the Facebook page!

the blind leading the blind (part 79):

1. men don’t like being told what to do or how to be. So find the man you have to do that LEAST with

2. sometimes you just have to rip it off like a band-aide and do something that’s sad but ultimately the best thing for your life/needs/overall happiness.

3. I hate how dogs always know you’re having your period.. and that you hate dogs.

4. 2012 is all about bold splashes of color on your face. By that, I mean red lipstick… not infected sperm.

5. sometimes all you wanna hear are beautiful things… Even if they’re all lies.

6. you’re not allowed to make fun of people for things that they were born with/can’t change. However, when it comes to bad choices they make while living their life… go right ahead and make fun of them all you want!

7. ear plugs are very oc. 2012 is all about shrinking, and ultimately closing up your plugs.

8. please don’t ride a motorcycle.

9. but I don’t WANT to be ‘linked in’.

10. you can’t take advice from people you don’t respect/or whose lifestyle choices you don’t agree with. but isn’t funny how ok these people are about doling out advice?

the blind leading the blind (part 78):

 

1. sometimes when your sarcasm is so advanced, people actually think you’re stupid. this happens to me ALL the time.

2. sometimes ‘buffering’ is god trying to tell you not to watch that mob wives clip on YouTube. but sometimes you have to be like ‘fuck off god.’ and press play.

3. always be a LITTLE bit fat, so the baby fat in your face gives you a youthful edge!

4. you can banter, be friends withand let the charismatic kooky guy entertain you, but NEVER choose him over the guy who loves you, would do anything for you, and who actually makes you feel safe. one is a figment of your imagination, who will lose interest in you in a heartbeat. and the other is the real thing.

5. don’t let the progression of the year STOP you from saying the best bullshit banter opener ever:  ’happy new year!’

6. sitting next to someone while they play you a song they think you should totally hear, is always so awkward! what are you supposed to do? just sit there? look at the device the music is coming out of? bop? tap your foot? look at your lap? all of the above? it’s just too much! or maybe i’m just over thinking it. either way, i prefer listening to music alone in my car.

7.  if a dude asks you if you i-chat, it means he wants to fuck you. your dad included.

8. ”If you want to do anything right, you have to put your heart and soul into it. There are always challenges, and you have to be prepared to go to the wall and be on your knees to get something done correctly, so if you don’t love something then it’s just going to feel like a form of torture with no reward. Love your work and no sacrifice will be too big or too small. My other advice is: if you want the job done right, do it yourself. Sorry to use that tired old cliché, but it is true.” – Madonna

9. always clear your computer history. even if you AREN’T up to no good.

10. try your hardest not to unnecessarily complicate your life: with people, with habits, with bad choices in general.

 

 

some things i think about…

1. no matter how many mani/pedis I get, I’m probably never gonna pick up Vietnamese.

2. Just a year ago I was way more rigid, saying things like ‘I have enough friends. I’m at capacity.’ And now I look at everyone and every situation as an opportunity to make a new friend and for the world to become smaller.

3. I finally realized why pinkberry is the best of the froyo places (i used to totally not even LIKE it), it’s because they put the yogurt in the cup FOR you and you don’t have to wait behind creepy dirty patrons and watch them touch the spigot with one dirt hand while they hold their fucking dog in the other. Egads! Gadzooks! ps: it’s not frozen yogurt… it’s PINKBERRY! pps: have you tried the new salted caramel, and/or peanut butter flavors? i have.

4. it’s like the minute I see someone use the wrong ‘your’ when they mean ‘you’re’ (or vice versa)… I just can’t take anything (no matter how valid) they say or do seriously.

5. sometimes I look at women who are preggers or who just had a baby and I think: ‘fuck, they look busted! I mean, I already have my own body, face and  insomnia issues NOT being pregnant. do I ever really wanna do this?’

6. I probably want to kiss you.

7. I can’t even fantasize (touch myself) about a guy if he has a girlfriend/is in a relationship. I need to at least think the fantasy could somehow come true on a slightly logical level.

8. I’m not a feminist? how dare you! I’ve never relied (and WILL NEVER RELY) on a dude to take care of me; I don’t subscribe to the deeply engrained belief system that a woman needs to get married/have a baby/or have a man to feel complete; i know/believe that women are more than a body or a fantasy for a man (i just wish all women knew that); I say what I want; I love women; I believe they can and should do anything and everything and are exceptional; I’m constantly shocked by and proud of how much women achieve operating at such a high level of expectation (not only can an amazing woman be smart, funny, talented, and successful… but she can run a company, excel at her career, and make & raise babies too… achieving ALL this while donning a stylish/sexy outfit, matching bra & panties, perfect hair/makeup, waxed and shaved body parts, and in heels too even!; I listen; I try to help; I don’t judge; I have great female friends; and the fact that I even do what I do and lead by example by being brave enough to put myself out there/say whatever it is I want to say… is a testament to that! so shut the fuck up!

9. sometimes I get mad about little things. like the other day, I went to Baja fresh and I asked for no cheese on my Americano chicken taco. but they gave me cheese anyway. secretly I was so happy the mistake was made, cuz I love cheese and only say ‘hold the cheese’ for calorie conscious reasons. then the next day, I went in and didn’t say ‘no cheese’ cuz I in fact wanted cheese and was surrendering to my whim like a champ… but they held the cheese anyway! I decided to not say anything because this mistake was totally in my favor. I also decided that they probably made the mistake because I must have come across as a girl who clearly doesn’t eat cheese… and that was really flattering. either that or they think I’m fat and don’t think i should eat cheese. either way, this will not stop me from going back tomorrow.

10. a boy said this to me once, and it didn’t make sense at the time. and when it finally did make sense, I didn’t know if I agreed. but now I think I do. here’s what he said: ‘men love who they are attracted to and women are attracted to who they love.’ what do you think?

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: leave me a message on boycrazy voicemail 888 666-2045 tell me a secret, ask me a question, say something neat. 

I LOVE YOU



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