the blind leading the blind (part 78):

 

1. sometimes when your sarcasm is so advanced, people actually think you’re stupid. this happens to me ALL the time.

2. sometimes ‘buffering’ is god trying to tell you not to watch that mob wives clip on YouTube. but sometimes you have to be like ‘fuck off god.’ and press play.

3. always be a LITTLE bit fat, so the baby fat in your face gives you a youthful edge!

4. you can banter, be friends withand let the charismatic kooky guy entertain you, but NEVER choose him over the guy who loves you, would do anything for you, and who actually makes you feel safe. one is a figment of your imagination, who will lose interest in you in a heartbeat. and the other is the real thing.

5. don’t let the progression of the year STOP you from saying the best bullshit banter opener ever:  ‘happy new year!’

6. sitting next to someone while they play you a song they think you should totally hear, is always so awkward! what are you supposed to do? just sit there? look at the device the music is coming out of? bop? tap your foot? look at your lap? all of the above? it’s just too much! or maybe i’m just over thinking it. either way, i prefer listening to music alone in my car.

7.  if a dude asks you if you i-chat, it means he wants to fuck you. your dad included.

8. “If you want to do anything right, you have to put your heart and soul into it. There are always challenges, and you have to be prepared to go to the wall and be on your knees to get something done correctly, so if you don’t love something then it’s just going to feel like a form of torture with no reward. Love your work and no sacrifice will be too big or too small. My other advice is: if you want the job done right, do it yourself. Sorry to use that tired old cliché, but it is true.” – Madonna

9. always clear your computer history. even if you AREN’T up to no good.

10. try your hardest not to unnecessarily complicate your life: with people, with habits, with bad choices in general.

 

 

some things i think about…

1. no matter how many mani/pedis I get, I’m probably never gonna pick up Vietnamese.

2. Just a year ago I was way more rigid, saying things like ‘I have enough friends. I’m at capacity.’ And now I look at everyone and every situation as an opportunity to make a new friend and for the world to become smaller.

3. I finally realized why pinkberry is the best of the froyo places (i used to totally not even LIKE it), it’s because they put the yogurt in the cup FOR you and you don’t have to wait behind creepy dirty patrons and watch them touch the spigot with one dirt hand while they hold their fucking dog in the other. Egads! Gadzooks! ps: it’s not frozen yogurt… it’s PINKBERRY! pps: have you tried the new salted caramel, and/or peanut butter flavors? i have.

4. it’s like the minute I see someone use the wrong ‘your’ when they mean ‘you’re’ (or vice versa)… I just can’t take anything (no matter how valid) they say or do seriously.

5. sometimes I look at women who are preggers or who just had a baby and I think: ‘fuck, they look busted! I mean, I already have my own body, face and  insomnia issues NOT being pregnant. do I ever really wanna do this?’

6. I probably want to kiss you.

7. I can’t even fantasize (touch myself) about a guy if he has a girlfriend/is in a relationship. I need to at least think the fantasy could somehow come true on a slightly logical level.

8. I’m not a feminist? how dare you! I’ve never relied (and WILL NEVER RELY) on a dude to take care of me; I don’t subscribe to the deeply engrained belief system that a woman needs to get married/have a baby/or have a man to feel complete; i know/believe that women are more than a body or a fantasy for a man (i just wish all women knew that); I say what I want; I love women; I believe they can and should do anything and everything and are exceptional; I’m constantly shocked by and proud of how much women achieve operating at such a high level of expectation (not only can an amazing woman be smart, funny, talented, and successful… but she can run a company, excel at her career, and make & raise babies too… achieving ALL this while donning a stylish/sexy outfit, matching bra & panties, perfect hair/makeup, waxed and shaved body parts, and in heels too even!; I listen; I try to help; I don’t judge; I have great female friends; and the fact that I even do what I do and lead by example by being brave enough to put myself out there/say whatever it is I want to say… is a testament to that! so shut the fuck up!

9. sometimes I get mad about little things. like the other day, I went to Baja fresh and I asked for no cheese on my Americano chicken taco. but they gave me cheese anyway. secretly I was so happy the mistake was made, cuz I love cheese and only say ‘hold the cheese’ for calorie conscious reasons. then the next day, I went in and didn’t say ‘no cheese’ cuz I in fact wanted cheese and was surrendering to my whim like a champ… but they held the cheese anyway! I decided to not say anything because this mistake was totally in my favor. I also decided that they probably made the mistake because I must have come across as a girl who clearly doesn’t eat cheese… and that was really flattering. either that or they think I’m fat and don’t think i should eat cheese. either way, this will not stop me from going back tomorrow.

10. a boy said this to me once, and it didn’t make sense at the time. and when it finally did make sense, I didn’t know if I agreed. but now I think I do. here’s what he said: ‘men love who they are attracted to and women are attracted to who they love.’ what do you think?

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: leave me a message on boycrazy voicemail 888 666-2045 tell me a secret, ask me a question, say something neat. 

I LOVE YOU

TONIGHT! ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’

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WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 7, 2011

DURING BOYCRAZY RADIO

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online etiquette 101:

 

1. ALWAYS be sure to add a ‘hahaha’ or a smiley face or a winky face emoticon to cushion the blow of what could come across as a cold, mean, or potentially rude email. Epic friendships have been ruined for less.

2. girls: enough with the facebook pix of you using your hair to make a faux mustache! We get it! you’re quirky! But this horse has been beaten to death so hard, ad agencies mention this as a specific detail shot for campaigns they’re story boarding right alongside quotes like ‘make it look cobra-snakey candid’. Let’s come up with something new! How about…

3. when you can, write ‘happy birthday’ on ALL your fb friends walls that are having birthdays that day! it really goes a long way! And if they’re NOT on fb, write happy birthday on their vaginal walls.

4. when you request someone you don’t know on facebook and you run into them, (if they bring it up) casually say ‘yeah, fb kept suggesting we be friends. so i finally added you.’ you can even add ‘and i always do what my computer tells me to do.’ ALWAYS BLAME THE FACEBOOK SUGGESTIONS CORNER!

5. to avoid appearing like the stalker that you are, if you paint yourself in a corner and reveal knowing too much about someone and they say ‘oh, you saw that? you were looking at my fb page?’ Just say ‘no, I saw it in my feed.’ ALWAYS BLAME YOUR FACEBOOK FEED!

6. no dog default pix please. this automatically alerts people to the fact that you are an ugly monster…. and that you have a dog.

7. get rid of ANY/ALL bad photos IMMEDIATELY!

8. get rid of any guilt you might have about de-tagging yourself in bad photos! don’t you dare feel guilty about de-tagging yourself! the person who tagged you should feel guilty… and be written out of your life… forever. they knew what they were doing.

9. you’re sooo much more mysterious when you’re NOT tweeting or updating your status! something to think about. i really have to follow my own lead on this one.

10. when it comes to flirting on fb, girls tend to ‘like’ stuff, while boys ‘poke’. mix it up. be pan-sexually active on fb. ps: don’t you think ‘pokes should be time stamped? i do.

11. never say the initial ‘i love you’ via text, twitter, facebook, skype, or email. some things will always be best said in person.

12. i’ve said it before, never ever send naked pix of yourself. head cut off or not!

13. in addition to the above: never naked video chat/skype. ever heard of ‘screen grabs’? be smart about living your life!

14. you put your private telephone number on your facebook page? really? i don’t advocate this one bit. hmm, except i DO love prank calls… um, what was your number again?

15. never request someones friendship immediately after they ask you on a date. you have no idea how it’s gonna go, then if it doesn’t work out after a date or two… there you are, just lingering awkward cyber friends forced to see each other’s feed. no thank you.

 

the blind leading the blind (part 61):

1. stop saying you’re an ‘aspiring (insert dream goal here)’. it’s fucking embarrassing as fuck! it immediately shows you are a pussy who does NOT believe in himself! just say you ARE an artist, singer, dancer, model, writer, actress, whatever. it’s ALREADY embarrassing! no need to make it MORE embarrassing.

2. dear Netti pots; thank you for being so simple yet effective! Who knew?! You did Netti pot, you did! And now I do too!

3. when in public, talking to someone you know, stop speaking so other people (strangers) can hear you! you’re clearly performing for everyone! It’s so annoying AND obvious! Plus, ONLY the dumbest shit comes out of your mouth when you do that! What a boner killer/clitoral hard-off bro! That’s straight up 7th grade style. squash that bullshizz.

4. when you invite someone into your house (like a date or a friend or whatevs) ALWAYS offer them something to drink you BONEHEAD! And give them a tour of your place too! Personally, whenever I get to the bedroom portion of my tour, I like to say ‘this is where the magic happens.’ I hope it doesn’t sound rote now.

5. its always the short guys you don’t expect to have a huge dick, that have a huge dick and are experts/wizard-masters at eating pussy. Actually NOT always. But it’s a numbers game, so gamble a little and I swear to god, you’ll be happily surprised at LEAST once.

6. if someone accuses you of cutting the tags out of your cheap forever twenty-one/h&m/what-have-you clothing because you’re ashamed of where you shop, just blame the cut out tags on their scratchiness factor. even though you totally DO cut them out cuz you’re embarrassed- which you shouldn’t be, but i get it!

7. it’s OK to admit that you DO in fact care… about whatever it is you care about! Rather than continue your fucking lame charade of leaning against a wall and pretending like you don’t. it’s 2011, admitting you care is the new not caring!

8. its ‘for all intents and purposes’ NOT ‘for all intensive purposes’. get it right bonehead!

9. uh oh, the novelty of wiz kalifas ‘black and yellow’ is wearing off. Hope things with him and rose are still going OK.

10. ask yourself this: do you like him, or is he just a conquest/are you just trying to collect his love/rip his heart out and put it on your wall? Cuz that shit is evil and ego driven. So know what you’re up to and try your hardest to avoid hurting someone when you KNOW it can be prevented!

ps: i’d be so happy if you followed me on twitter @imboycrazy xo, me

TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’!

CALL ME TONIGHT

WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 9, 2011!

TUNE INTO – BOYCRAZY RADIO!

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

We’ll bro out, role play,

& discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

What Men Think (words to live by):

Hey Alexi.

Love the blog. It’s good to read something honest.

Here’s some thoughts you may want to share online with your lady
readers who might want to know what guys think… or not. This is
what I have told my girl(platonic) friends sometimes. Less so when
I’m seeing someone. Go figure.

1. We don’t care about you diet / eating disorder / food neuroses.
It’s not interesting. It’s not quirky. It’s boring. You want to
lose weight? Do it discretely. Please don’t do it loudly at dinner.
And don’t order things and complain about how fat they’ll make you.
That just makes you look dumb and feckless. Oh, and it’s boring.
REALLY BORING. A neuroses is no substitute for a personality.

2. Yep, your ex was an asshole. We kind of want to know why, but
there’s a point where you’re just dumping daddy-rage on him. It’s
that point where you’re a total victim and he’s a total asshole.
When it gets there, it gets weird. Take some responsibility for the
relationship not working out. You’re allowed to be angry, but you
were half of the problem. (No really, you were. Go figure that shit
out.)

3. Ditto for us – if everything was our ex-s fault, we’re full of
it too. Just so you know.

4. Don’t be a victim in life. Not sure where girls learn this, but
be proactive.

5. Don’t give up on giving head or hand jobs cos your neck/hands
are tired. You’d think we’re assholes if we did the same. You
totally would. Good sex is convincing someone you’re into something
cos it’s getting them off even when your hand is aching. (this
works for boys too, I guess, but I’m never there for that / have
too much professional pride so I can’t compare)

6. That thing about obsessing over your weight / appearance again.
Let’s go back to that. Total turn off. Either be confident or fake
confidence. Sure, later, when we’re living together you can relax a
little but to be honest, if you’re obsessing like that, then you’ve
got a problem you need to work on. And we’re not shrinks. (well,
unless…). Imagine if we did it – “do I look fat?” “ugh! I’ve
gotten so fat!” “I shouldn’t eat this!” ALL THE TIME. Right?
Horrid. You’d dump us super fast. Don’t endlessly fish for
compliments. Any guy who wants to hang out with a needy woman has
issues of his own. You’ll get co-dependent of whatever, and who
wants to do that shit? Not saying you have to be superwoman, but
neediness is not cool in general, for anyone. And be afraid if
you’ve got a guy who feeds off of it – that’s a red flag there.
Dump any guy who wants to keep you weak. IMMEDIATELY.

7. The only thing that will come out of you telling us you want to
get surgery is that we’ll possibly notice what you’re trying to
change. Don’t use this conversation as a way to fish. Keep that
shit to yourself. Or your gay/girlfriends /sisters/besties. Or
until we’ve moved in or something. But don’t expect us to be
enthusiastic about it. It’s your obsession goddamit. We already
like you as you are by this point. Why are you getting all vain all
of a sudden? It’s like we moved in and now you’ve gone nuts. Jeez.
What happened to you!!? THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR
NOSE/BOOBS/LIPS. IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. (That’s what we’ll feel,
and you’ll get pissed because we don’t understand. And we don’t,
not really. But it’s your hang-up, not ours. Own it. Don’t make us
responsible to try to shift the focus away from the fact that
you’re already beautiful but have a hang up which is nothing to do
with us).

8. If we’re trying to get you to have surgery. Dump us.
Immediately. Same if we’re trying to make you look like someone
else in ANY way. Press delete.

9. Ditto for guys who neg you all the time. Dump them right now.
Don’t read any more. Do it. Get up and send that text. Done it?
Good. Single again? Great. You deserve to be treated right. Wanna
go get coffee later and hang out? Great. I’d be completely into
hanging out with you. You’re amazing.

10. Cut us some slack with nasty jokes. It’s in our DNA, we’re
raised to be a little harsher. We make more inappropriate comments
in boy world. And if we cross the line, we can get clipped, but
boys are nastier. And you like that, sometimes. But do pay
attention to how we talk about women / our moms. Close attention.
We can give the game away right there.

11. Around the first date it’s all on us: Don’t call us (unless
you’re returning a call). Don’t go text fishing. You have to kind
of let us know you’re open to our advances (being super aloof just
looks like the same as “fuck off” to us), but MAKE US DO THE WORK.
Either you’re worth it or we’re not. We don’t always like this but
we appreciate it. After a couple of dates you can relax. This isn’t
just playing games; it’s called courtship. We call/text when we’re
interested–or not, if we’re not. Once we’re seeing each other then
we can both relax about this shit a little, right? That part is
called trust.

12. Don’t accept a first date via text. Sure, you can
communicate/flirt by text before hand – even find out schedules
etc, but we should be calling you for a first date. It’s good
manners. The invite should be a phone call. If we can’t get it
together at that stage you think it’s ever going to improve?

13. Rarely give us the benefit of the doubt. Like once or twice.
After that, you’re letting shit slide and soon you’ll be making
excuses for us. Call us out on our shit. You don’t have to go
nuclear, but if you don’t tell us what pisses you off and it
festers we can’t fix it, and you’ll get mad we’re not psychic and
then it’s game over. But once you’ve dealt with it, let it go. We
can’t turn apologizing for being late that time into a lifetime’s
work. No, really. Let it go. You’re still bringing THAT up? It was
ages ago. Really? Really….???

14. We should pay on the first (few) dates. But to be fair, you
should order like you’re paying. We want you to have a good time,
but while you’re sizing us up we’re doing the same to you. Class
has got nothing to do with money. How much we like you/you’re worth
is not connected to the value of the free food/booze/whatever.
Acting like it is is cheap. It’s not really about the money, here,
is it? If it’s cheap of us to split the check (And it is) it’s
cheap of you to take advantage. That’s no way to start an affair,
is it? (and don’t pretend you don’t ever do this. We know you
have). It’s a good rule for life – don’t sit down to any meal
you’re not prepared to pay for. That way, there’s no weird tension
except sexual frisson.

15. Don’t be passive in bed. Please. Thank you. No one wants a dead
fuck. it takes two…

16. Yeah, you’re right. If we’ve been to a prostitute or like strip
clubs too much, then it’s saying quite a lot about us and how we
view women and sex. Once is potentially an experiment – but more
than that…? (Really. How can you suspend your disbelief and
ignore that the women are only doing it for the money. How needy
would that make us?)

17. Nothing’s more attractive than a woman with a plan, a goal,
some drive. Passive girls are as boring as passive boys.

18. Girls can be curvy. Girls can have small boobs and be slim. The
sexiest girls are the ones who don’t give a fuck what we think
about how they look. WE REALLY LIKE THAT. If we don’t, then we’ve
got issues.

19. You can never fix us. If we’re douches, we’re staying that way.
You are not going to be the one. Save yourself some heartache. Not
going to happen. And the bigger the douche, the better we are at
manipulating people because we need to manipulate people cos we’re
a douche.

20. Ignore all the shit that we say and watch what we DO.

21. However you feel about us in your gut is right. And I mean
‘feel in your gut’, not ‘wish in your head’. Act accordingly. See?
It’s working out for the best already, isn’t it?

Of course, all of the above might be why I’m single, but, still….

Happy New Year Alexi.
xo

the blind leading the blind (part 27):

juergenteller_creativespark

1. types of guys to date while you’re single: a fireman, a 19 year old, a mogul, a rapper, a basketball player, a skater, a musician, a black dude, a Latino dude, a white dude, an Asian dude, a Jewish dude, a lawyer, a director, a doctor, p diddy, kanye, a politico, a chef. bonus points to those of you who can collect all or most of these qualifications in ONE dude!

2. beware of ‘the lure of the sweatshirt’. i know they’re super cozy and comfortable, but they aren’t high fashion, flattering, or chic. do you really wanna be wearing a potato sack with pockets when you run into rob pattinson at whole foods? hmm, maybe you do. bella wears them all the time and word on the street is; he likes her… but, better to be safe than sorry! scrap the hoodies and go for an effortlessly chic/thrown together/ hip/ cool/ casual look! you’ll thank me later.

3. pay attention to the new friends you invite into your life. in the past, I’d meet people and only realize after months of hanging out that I’m doing all the entertaining and they’re totally boring.

4. be the person you want to attract.

5. dudes: wipe the dried cum off your pants. This isn’t a badge of honor. especially if it’s not from an encounter you had with the girl you’re currently dating/on a date with! why do i have to tell you this!?

6. keep some goddamn mystery ladies! Put your mascara on in private. Don’t do it lounging around in public!

7. don’t be too mad at him. all he’s really guilty of  is not loving you.

8. being a grown up is sooo cool! you can drive a car! go to sleep whenever you want! eat whatevs! live in your own apartment! listen to music all loud-but try not to annoy your neighbors! People even pay you money sometimes! Like, they give it RIGHT TO YOUnot your parents! enjoy it! you’ve waited your whole life to be a grown up! it’s all happening!

9. don’t be 10 minutes late, be 10 minutes early! but wait in your car- and ring the doorbell RIGHT on TIME!

10. i don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been a people pleaser or had the need to fill gaps of possible uncomfortable silences, but I’ve always asked people a lot of questions; about their life, job, technique, past experiences, goals, reasons for doing what they do- whether it’s how they’re doing a medical procedure or dental exam, or why they got married and had 5 kids, what they’re doing- technically and emotionally, and whatever that stems from, etc.  I’m grateful of this trait/habit because it’s taught me a lot/ helped me navigate the college of life. so, for the love of god, ask questions! people like it when you take an interest in them. and even if you don’t care…you could actually learn something!

PS:

self conscious sex:

What happened last night? I’ll tell you what happened! Last night, you got banged by some dude and you were totally boring in bed! I’m soooo disappointed in you! The only excuse for submissive sex is if you’re being raped! Otherwise, it is NOT an option! Plus, guys talk too you know, and you don’t wanna get a rep for being a lame dud in the sack! Do you?? Now’s not the time to worry about whether or not your bangs are perfectly straight. Now’s the time to get nasty! I’m not saying that you should let him stick it in your bum, cuz I actually DON’T advocate that. I’m just saying, don’t stop at GETTING fucked. You fuck him right back, you nasty bitch! Make noise if you want to, make whatever face you feel inclined to (shit, I hope it’s not super ugly-oh well, I say take the chance! How ugly could it be? If you’re reading this blog, it means you’re beautiful!) Get on top, on your side, on the bottom,69 (although my best dude friend once told me that 69’ing is the ultimate in intimate cuz it’s pretty much ass on face-yikes! That’s why I always say ‘carry baby wipes’-that way you don’t have to sacrifice in the sack!), get head/give head! Just wait for my mutual masturbation post! It’s gonna be detailed, personal,and RAD! So please! Don’t lay there like a lump! Even if you’re a beautiful lump! That is no excuse to be boring! Cuz if you’re crazy in bed, super nice to look at AND have a great personality……….YOU WIN!



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