always something:
a couple of months ago, i was seeing a boy. these are thoughts i wrote down during that relationship experience:
“what is my problem? I’ve found a guy who says he loves me and I stayed with him. He consistently calls me, is ok with me coming over to his house on a regular basis. But he’s so cool and calm and collected. He can get mad, but he never explodes. Maybe he implodes, but I’d never be able to tell.
Sometimes I feel alone when I’m next to him. His dry sense of humor and how much he loves himself is pretty entertaining most of the time. But I always feel like I’m left with nothing when I get off the phone with him, or leave his house.
My problem is; I feel as though he would be completely unaffected if we were to never speak again. As if he doesn’t cry, or get truly sad about ANYTHING. As if he could take me or leave me. And that does not make me feel good. That does not sit well in me.
I know LOGICALLY that he loves me (as much as he is CAPABLE of loving someone- which is supposed to make me feel better?), that we are as he says ‘on the same team’, but there is a disconnect.
I am not logical like he is. I scream and I cry and I have tantrums and all I want him to do is put his arms around me and show that he’s passionate about me! He’s so cavalier it hurts me and makes me ache. He doesn’t have the need to kiss me and hug me like I need to kiss him and hug him. Kissing him and holding him are like medicine for me. But lately I don’t want to bother him for my doses. I wonder if he’ll remember on his own. If he needs my love as much as I need his. But he doesn’t.
And then there are the days where he trys. when he’s tuned in, ‘on’, and shows that he loves me- by the way he looks at me, cuddles me and tickles me. ALL the things he does for me/with me. And I KNOW.
but just as soon as he’s got me under his spell, he’s off in his own world again. Love is hard.”
since that experience, i’ve changed. i don’t feel sad, empty or confused anymore…..
because i’m dating someone new now. i’ll let you know how it goes. xoxox
ps: here’s something neat I’m gonna be a part of this Sunday (May 31,09) at space 1520 (1520 N. Cahuenga Blvd. LA CA
90028)from 11am-4pm……..
90028)from 11am-4pm……..
they care – part 2:
the only GOOD thing about how expensive and far away ‘we care’ is- is that, for a person like me it means 1.) I MUST follow the rules, cuz I don’t take money for granted. And 2.) I NEED to be secluded in the desert in order to fast- cuz I don’t have willpower when it comes to food!
I swam, sat in the sauna, lay in the floating day bed under a tee-pee shaped pyramid type apparatus. the people at ‘we care’ said that “it’s good to sit under a pyramid when you meditate” or whatever. i forget why. something like, it helps you be more focused or it gets rid of negative energy or your dreams will come true. they may not have said the last part, but i sat on that daybed under the pyramid like a CHAMPION every chance i got! you better believe it!
LAST time I went to ‘we care’ (five years ago), I fasted for eight days! And by day four, I was in dire need of being f**ked. who knew THAT would be a side effect? THIS time around, I didn’t feel like that AT ALL. But then again, i was only there for three days! phew.
LAST time there weren’t any hot babes at the spa. but THIS time, there was a young-ish (early thirties) musician boy. he even had hair on his chest, which I LOVE! we chatted a bit and swam. but it was all SUPER platonic. something about a spa where you know everyone’s getting colonics kinda kills the sexy. and besides, I have my eye on ANOTHER dude right now.
unfortunately i brought a super boring, practical bathing suit that didn’t define my girlishness/feminine wiles one bit! good thing i WASN’T after the musician babe. he may have totally rejected me. i looked like a twelve year old in an eighties, french new wave film. which, in hindsight, doesn’t actually sound so bad. if i HAD WANTED or been PREPARED to woo a dude into my room, or having a tawdry makeout on a lounge chair or the floating daybed, i would have been sporting one of two American Apparel bikinis that i’m waiting to be sent to me! the cobalt blue bandeau top and retro bottom or the grape colored ULTRA scandalous string bikini! they look rad. but, no. i wasn’t wearing either. life is rough. i’ve said it before.
If you DO decide to come out to ‘we care’, don’t bring the bf. it gets too gnarly and will ruin your relationship. instead, do what I did: lay in the floating day bed under a pyramid tee-pee/go swimming/sweat out more toxins and fat in the sauna/go in the jacuzzi/read a trashy novel/touch yourself/sleep/and write! Or bring your mom! she’ll love it? Xo
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