the state of being single

2008-DFC-Teller-Apparel

 

a journal entry i wrote a few months post my most recent gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart breaking break up:

I am a single woman living in Los Angeles. I just got out of a serious relationship with a guy I was madly in love with. It ended because… well, suffice it to say, it ended.  The point is, I’m single again.

Technically; I’m open to dating, I’m allowed to do whatever I want; I’m tethered to no one and nothing, but no one seems interesting to me. At least not as interesting as my ex was. And even though what I’m about to say is totally healthy and great, it’s completely foreign to me: I love being alone. let me be clear, i’m not saying i usually prefer to be in a relationship… not at all. those are few and far between, what i’m saying is, that at the moment… I love NOT dating. I love not having sex and talking, texting with guys i don’t care about who i know don’t and will never care about me in a real way. i love not dealing with any of the aspects of ‘the search’ – be it a search to get off  or the search for something deeper. At this moment, I am the most interesting and inspiring thing in my life. I have a million things to do, write, see, make, experience and plenty of friends and family who I barely have time to fit into my schedule as it is. Maybe I should start waking up earlier? And yet my curiosity to meet men, make out, feel desirable, flirt, sex and date is so deeply engrained in me. it feels bizarre NOT to be doing it. I’m addicted to the search. We all are. Aren’t we? Stay with me as I try to process all my contradictory feelings.

I love being alone, but I hope to one day find magic again.

It’s a funny thing, ‘love’; both people involved have to be hit just as hard for it to be the type of love story romance to stop you in your tracks and make you say “fuck, this is undeniable. I MUST be with this person. They enhance life!” The level of attraction has to be reciprocal; hitting both parties at the same time, in the same bizarre/intense way, so it’s magic. At least that’s the kind of love that stops me from continuing my journey as a single person. If it isn’t that, why bother? Being single is too great to stop to be with someone you’re only luke warm about.

At this point in my life, as a newfound single again; getting drunk & having sex with a virtual stranger or at the very least, guys I know are most definitely NOT in love with me, who WILL NEVER BE in love with me, who clench their eyes shut to avoid any/all possibility of eye contact while sexxxing me… isn’t as exciting as it used to be. Ya know?

And going on a first date with a guy I already know I like less than he likes me, feels horrible too, cuz every date is just one step closer to him sexxxing me or at least thinking he’ll be able to. So why waste everyone’s time or end up in a situation that could have been avoided?

Right now my main priority is not to buy a house, get married, have kids, and settle down. My goals aren’t even to fall in love or have sex. Who am I?! When did this happen?! My main priorities are to challenge myself, be creative, focus on my career, pay my bills, go to the beach, make more friends, spend time with my pre-existing friends, do things that scare me, learn, work on myself, continue to find things that leave me inspired, etc.

At times, the thought of being in a relationship even stresses me out. Just because someone puts their attention on me and chooses me doesn’t mean I have to jump at the opportunity, as if I should be so lucky?

I find myself having to dodge being in lack luster relationships with guys who are lovely but just don’t do it for me in the way I need doing. It’s not their fault or mine, I’d just rather be alone than have the safety of knowing there’s a warm body in bed next to me; because while we’re ultimately always alone (we born & die alone) we’re also NEVER really alone. Don’t underestimate male friends, your girlfriends, family, people watching, conversations in passing with strangers, etc. Voids can be filled. Build your own support system/new familial structure. Some of my LONELIEST most unhappy moments have been while in a not quite right relationship. More specifically, while laying next to the guy in bed, or during silent car rides together.

Until I stumble upon my ‘be all, end all person’ (which is subjective & only I’ll know it when I see/feel it) who is so undeniable to me… I’m gonna continue being selfish. I don’t want to put myself in front of someone and metaphorically ask them to accept me, cuz 1. I don’t give a shit if they do or don’t, and 2. That would mean, I’d have to accept them! And, I don’t have it in me! Relationships require a LOT of energy and consideration if you’re gonna do it right.

And at the moment, I don’t want to accept, compromise, be interested, make conversation, feign interest, be sexed, touched by anyone, not be my flirty or inquisitive self in public; i don’t want to be conscious & considerate of a partners feelings, come home early instead of late. I don’t want to have to wait to eat and check in with someone and say “Hey, have you eaten yet? Should I wait for you and we’ll eat together?”

I mean, I’m clearly in a mood as I write this and I could change my mind or more fittingly, my feelings, about this tomorrow. HOWEVER, currently… I am the most interesting, inspiring thing to me. My therapist thinks this is a good thing. Perhaps I should continue this feeling even after my A-sexual, closed off phase ends. Me putting myself first . Me being so grounded in myself.

It’s a conundrum. I don’t want to close myself off. I do love people, and I want to meet new ones, and leave myself open to loving and being loved by someone who I could have that magic with, who I’ve yet to meet and have no idea exists. So, despite all my self righteousness and saying ‘I love being alone’: I will continue to feel this way, but i’ll do it AS I date & throw myself into the world.

That almost seems like the best way to date. That way I don’t bank on someone else to complete me.

I’m a romantic. I LOVE being in love. I even love the days when the oxytocin and dopamine have worn away, and what you have is a real partnership/intimacy. A best friend. I love having ‘my person’ if you will. But that doesn’t have to mean I detest being single. Both are wonderful for different reasons.

I have no idea what’s gonna happen. In moments of weakness when I notice all the boneheads aka ‘the men I don’t connect with’ like I did with my ex. I think, fuck… maybe the devil I know is better than the devil I don’t and I consider getting back into my monogamous long distance thing. But, that only lasts a moment before I get back to remembering that there’s too much to do and being single is great.

I have faith I’ll meet my next love just as suddenly and unexpectedly as I did my last. And if I don’t, that’s fine too. I’ll just adopt a baby, become a lesbian, learn to be a pilattes instructor, and move to Hawaii! See? There are a MILLION different ways! And there’s no rush either.

On a side note, my friends (who are totally cool & NOT lame/ugly/losers at ALL) keep telling me to get on a dating app like they are. Um, I’ve always been very ANTI that, but I feel like being anti dating apps makes me sound like a lame grandma and not futuristic. While I have zero expectations, which is the preferable way to go about dating, maybe i should get out of my comfort zone and date via all different avenues (irl, apps, etc) & meet all types of people & then report back to you guys? Hmm… to be continued.

a brief meditation on dating:

ryan-mcginley-dash-and-agathe-2001

 

to meet someone who doesn’t smoke but ISN’T vegan, who’s about your height, a badass, interesting, smart, communicative, funny, doesn’t do drugs – but drinks, has a career, LOVES coffee, who is not only good at sex but has a hip/cool/exciting ‘new york approach’ & is totally unselfconscious about it/ is daring/ kisses & sexxxes in the morning too, is driven and talented, likes his mom & your cat, who can go anywhere & is not an uncool liability, with mutual friends who all LOVE him to death, with a BIG private AND good style, who you met NOT on an app… is pretty exciting 💘

bad communication vs. two people in love:

Scan10001

 

i wote this a while ago after a fight that began as an attempt to fix a previous fight in a string of many fights:

i apologized. i was nice. i was the adult version of me, i made a conscious  effort to be.  i was silly, i was loving. and i didn’t mean anything bad… at all. i promise. i wasn’t in a hissy fit. i changed the subject. i talked about stuff other than ‘us’ or ‘fighting’. i was trying to show him. i was trying to get back on track.

we’d just been through the worst weekend trip ever. our relationship was long distance and we were making it work. haven’t having seen each other in 17 days, we were having a quick 48 hour visit. those are a lot of pressure. cuz you want it to go well. you have high expectations. and there’s no real-time for error. this trip didn’t go well. it started on a bad foot, thanks to my insecurities. you wanna know what i did? i shouldn’t tell you. i should save face. but i’ll tell you. i got pissed at him because a girl i cannot STAND and is known to be TROUBLE followed him on instagram. but that’s not why i went ballistic. i went ballistic cuz he followed her BACK. i’m not proud of this behavior, but i’m sure my honesty is appreciated and my behavior (however lame) is relatable. this petty, completely unneccessary fight that i started took us on a mutual journey to a million other arguments about issues we have. realer issues. or i should say, REAL issued. our main issue being not hearing each other, making up our own narratives, getting defensive, and just being bad at communicating. or more specifically: we communicate in different ways. in hind sight, our MAIN MAIN MAIN issue being the long distance, the pressure of quick visits, his emotional unavailability and my trust/deep-rooted daddy issues… but back to the story.

i went home. and it stung. it was heavy. i felt relieved to be home, but so lonely. i felt like i’d just lived a nightmare. it was over? already?! what the fuck just happened? a bad 48 hours, and that’s it? was it ruined? but i loved him. and that doesn’t happen all the time. it’s rare. for me anyway.

i could feel this was about more than just the bad 48hrs; it was the culmination of every fight we’ve ever had. he’d hit his limit. and i had too. could this be fixed? if i just acted nice and cool the next time i saw him, would it erase this horrible blip? if i stopped trying to ruin it; if i stopped getting defensive, if i dropped it, if i was just lighter- could we be okay? i loved so many things about him. i was willing to just start fresh the next time i saw him. i wasn’t sure if he was.

the next day we spoke. for two hours. i was calm. i apologized. i wanted to make it better, i swear.

in my heart- my only intention/the only things i wanted him to know were these: i love him, i want him to move to la because i love him so much, i would marry him if he wanted me to, i would have a child with him,

i just love him and want him to be happy and i want him to live with me in los angeles. only good things.

how this hopeful conversation turned bad, i don’t know. but it did.

so now, while he’s at his house, far away from me. and i’m at mine… the thing that worries me most is our problem communicating.

if all i meant/was trying to express to him/ had in my heart was that i  want him with me, that i love him and i’m sorry… how did he still end up taking me the worst way, and sounding exhausted by me when i tried my hardest to make it clear i didn’t mean anything bad at all, and apologized profusely?

are the wounds of our weekend fight still too fresh and that’s what this is about? or will we always have miscommunications that turn into two people hurt and exhausted?

tonight, i tried to tell him he’s the love of my life… but i was terrified and way too shy. but i tried. i think i actually even told him. so how did this phone call go bad? i guess he couldn’t hear my apologies or he needs more time to believe them. if he ever does.

i love him so much, but he didn’t hear me.

but i guess i deserve that, because he loved me and i couldn’t hear him either. i swear, we’ve been on the same page at the same time sometimes. i swear.

could we overcome our bad communication? could love be stronger than that?

and as for this journal entry: i hope he doesn’t view it as an attack. and instead see’s it as the love letter it’s meant to be.

About Last NIght…

10460492_878168595528327_2226833779682427350_n

a momentary rant on love and despair:

Picture 13

one time, i felt like this. i was dating the wrong person. i was confused. i felt stuck. so i wrote this to try to make sense of it all. cognitive behavioral therapy on myself.

what the fuck is going on? i’m a romantic. i swear. i am such a romantic. but lately, i keep hearing the same things from men… some of whom i’ve been on dates with or guys who i THINK think they’re flirting or even bonding with me- i keep hearing about how men aren’t wired for monogamy or that it’s boring or unrealistic. this info on a date i’m on with a guy, coupled with the fact that i feel like i haven’t dated anyone who’s crazy enough about me to want me to be their girlfriend in about a year- is beginning to break my heart and cause me to lose faith in love or the idea that men actually maybe like and want to be in relationships too. i’m not even sure about the guy or if i like him that much before he’s clubbing me over the head with unromantic rationale.

i wonder if part of the reason for the responses i’m getting is because i have this website (too meta and or self referential? sorry. this one time only. actually, that’s probs a lie) and guys either don’t wanna date me because of it, or men have some misinformed idea that i don’t believe in a committed relationship, or they feel they can tell me their innermost thoughts on love/sex/dating/and relationshipps because they know i’m facinated by it and write about it. but in doing so, i become their friend; the bubble bursts and romance is debunked…leaving me feeling a bit hopeless on love.

i know i’ve felt it (love). i know i’ve been in amazing relationships. and the men i experienced them with would agree. i know what love can feel like…. and i haven’t felt it in a while.

i’m so sick of men i date telling me about how marriage and monogamy or whatever is unrealistic. or telling me about ex’s, etc. (even though i’m guilty of this too- i have made a new rule not to talk about ex’s with guys i might want to date) where is the mystery? what happened to the mystery? i want to believe in love and romance! i know it exists! i see it! i’ve felt it! i’ve had it!

but i feel cold and dead inside… today. i will change my mind in an hour or tomorrow…  but you’ve caught me in a moment.

men i’ve met at the community table at m cafe or guys i’ve dated or just men i know or whatever tell me that they’re not satisfied. that they want the next best thing or something new or to cheat or to be alone or whatever!

but i also see married couples that seem happy and like best friends!

AND i see married couples that are young, but look dead inside, who don’t have sex anymore.

i talk to married men who complain about being married and flirt with women who aren’t their wives and say ‘of course i want to fuck other women, i’m a man’

it all just seems hopeless.

it’s seems like the idea of being in love is now just a bubble that will ultimately burst after a few months, but for me… date #2.

here’s my theory, i don’t even know if i’ll ever want to/or be asked to get married (again, cuz i was engaged when i was 21) but this is what i think the key to happiness is when it comes to love and dating and relationships:

meet someone who you’re attracted to, who you have great physical chemistry with, who you respect and who makes you laugh, and vice versa. and be their gf or bf (which means being monogamous) ONLY if the idea of losing them or them with another person makes you feel like you’re being punched in the stomach.

then stay with that person until you’re no longer compelled to. this doesn’t mean that every day will be great; but even when you have fights or are having a hard time with someone, you can still have a desire to be with them. however, the minute you honestly don’t feel the relationship is worth fighting for… get out of there as gracefully and in the kindest way possible.

but the shitty thing is, people aren’t honest with their partner or even WORSE: themselves. they stay in relationships years longer than they should. when they were miserable 10 months in but too much of a coward to leave. they cheat and could potentially bring diseases back into their partners bed, (their partner who is under the impression that they’re partaking in a monogamous relationship).

see, you can have whatever relationship you want: monogamous, open, no relationship, whatevs… as long as your partner is on the same page. and the relationship might morph and change so the two parties have to check in with each other and communicate! but people hate communication. they’re terrified of conflict and everyone’s such a people pleaser they just do and say what they think their partner wants to hear or believe! and then vent and complain to strangers. ugh!

i feel like i’m pretty clear on all this. so until i find someone who wants to do this with me that i have chemistry with and am fascinated by… my search continues. but hearing so many men tell me that men and women are wired differently lately has done my head in. yes, i get it! i heard you loud and clear 4 dudes on separate occasions this past week who said this to me: ‘men can get 10 girls pregnant in one day, but a woman can get pregnant once and be donzo for 9 months.’ or ‘it’s different for a woman.’ FUCK YOU!  i get it. but women aren’t fucking naive. we love sex and crave newness too! women cheat too. we date younger men who are hot and firm and stylish with tons of energy who can make us cum over and over again with an outlook on the world that keeps us young and current. look at madonna! and women are crazy career driven too. women can be just as boycrazy as men are girlcrazy. obviously. nowadays, women care more about making a career/money/and a life for themselves than having a baby! wake the fuck up dudes! so don’t you look at me and tell me we’re so different.

and also, i have to remind myself, that i’ve met men who actually like relationships. i’ve met men who are romantics and sensitive and need arms to crawl into. i’ve often been the cold fish robot who turns off her emotions to a man when he puts his heart on the line or offers it up on a silver platter. in a way this is a letter to myself to remind myself that romance and love are real and no matter how many men tell me otherwise, i’m not gonna feel stupid or naive for thinking magic happens… at least during the first 6 months. jesus!

maybe my blawg has fucked me. maybe the small pool of men i’ve dated who even know about this silly thing have rattled me a bit because they think they know my inner monologue when i’m just trying to kiss them… i’m actually at my most calm and meditative when i’m kissing and sexxxing. that’s something i’ve only just realized. it’s when i actually turn my brain off.

my hyper self awareness and sensitivity makes me think too much and ask too many questions and feel too many feelings. it’s exhausting. especially for the men who date me.

i like powerful successful men, or men who are experts/masters at what they do- whatever it is. which is probably why i am feeling this way tonight. because that highlights the type of man who has many choices, so why would he want monogamy? why would he seek the benefits of a relationship when you could be with a different girl every night and focus on work and be a perma adolescent? that’s how i feel about relationships most of the time. i make my own living, i’ve never looked to a guy to support me, and i don’t like to waste time dating people i have luke warm feelings about when i could be with friends/family/or making stuff… creatively and financially. But then i remember how good  falling and being in love felt. and even though i can barely remember, i know it’s the best thing in the world and something worth experiencing. it’s what books and movies and songs, and even babies are about (well, at least some babies).

so even though i’m fine on my own, and i’m selfish and grapple with my ego and self-importance and realizing my goals/dreams… even though i don’t feel incomplete without a bf, i’d still love it if i fell in love. who wouldn’t? which is why when i do go on a first or a few dates with someone and the vibe seems to be too rooted in logic and reality and brass tax and even though we’re holding hands or on a ‘romantic date’ but the idea that monogamy is for suckers and unrealistic… it just makes me think, ‘why are we doing this’? we need the mystery to create the love bubble. we need to put the logic and ‘bro out / best friend chatter’ to the wayside to give romance and love at least a chance to happen. otherwise, it’s like hanging out with a pal. gross. it’s like we all know too much now. we’ve seen everything fail or work SOMETIMES. we read blogs about celebrities and think ‘if they can’t make it work, WHO can?’ or ‘they look like how it should be, i only want that.’ ugh, now i’m rambling. ha. now?

to continue with that theme: if and when you do meet a new person all over again and you’re attracted and fascinated and there’s a mutual willingness and desire to keep seeing each other and get closer… that’s a whole other terrifying can of worms. being vulnerable with someone? existing with them in silence? trusting and believing they just like you? suddenly feeling exposed and seen? having to worry about being naked with them? being hyper sensitive with them , when normally you wouldn’t if you were just with someone you didn’t really care about, and a single comment could hurt your feelings? that is terrifying.

the other day, i contemplated just shutting off emotionally. it would be so much easier. with no feelings and without the ability to be emotionally available, no one could hurt me. i think i might try that.

-after i wrote this, i spoke to men who validated the idea that some guys do prefer committed relationships. they like monogamy. they told me that after a while, being single began to feel like ‘groundhogs day’. these men validated an idea or type of man who i’d thought went out the window: the kind of man who wants to be his best and do whatever he can to make the woman he’s with happy and her life better. that was a relief. cuz i know i have that desire and ability in myself when it comes to being truly/madly/deeply in love. 

i might have to restructure this website of mine and make it lean more on the side of being a big sister type thing and lead with my podcast or giving advice or answering questions and of course, the blind leading the blind. maybe the title of the site alone is what skews mens opinion of me or gives them the impression they can tell me everything; or that i’m probably a slut; or makes them scared of me cuz they think i might write about them.

or maybe i just havent met the right guy. someone who likes my openness, but knows i feel deeply about things and am very sensitive; who knows i’m not out to ruin people’s lives or expose them in anyway-with the things i write about on this site.

i know there are many right guys. but maybe i havent met one recently who i vibe with in the way i want to; where at least our differences balance us out and make us stronger and happy and comfortable.

…at least one who is sure of me and doesn’t keep sprinkling in reminders that love or relationships are unrealistic to him.

but then again, i want and i want and i want people to be open to me/with me; to be vulnerable or give me their hearts and trust me and all that… but sometimes i wonder: i don’t love everyone i meet. i’m busy and closed off to a lot of people. so i need to make sure my need for someone to be open with me isn’t just my ego needing to be fed. i need to keep the part of me that behaves like an emotional vampire at bay. i used to do that a long time ago. collect hearts for sport. it’s mean and unnecessarily complicates your life.

but i still think talking about ex’s and how monogamy isn’t possible, ON A SECOND DATE, is just bad etiquette! i mean, use your brain guys! and yes, i know girls are totally guilty of this too.

but all of this dating stuff and meeting people is a delicate dance. cuz all it takes is one person that clicks in just the right way… and then all these bizarro, klunky, not quite right fits will all make sense. they weren’t meant to… because they needed to keep me open for the one who is most right for me.

waiting vs NOT waiting to have sex:

I’ve never been the type of girl whose thought there’s a specific time or rule as to when to have sex with a guy. Every time I’ve had sex with a guy it’s been because I wanted to and it’s never really affected me badly.

I do however believe that if you 100% know you do NOT want to pursue a relationship with a guy, and want him STRICTLY for sex and sex alone… it’s totally ok to sex him on the first date/whenever you want! In this case, there’s no such thing as too soon. Just use a condom and make sure you see him naked in light so you can asses if he’s having some sort of herpes or other sexually transmitted disease/infection breakout. Women use men for sex too you know!

But, as girls we do have to realize that casual sex can be like a game of russian roulette for us:

We take a chance of accidentally forming feelings we thought were impossible for us to form. no matter how logical we went into this no strings attached self imposed agreement with ourself. this can happen when we sex cuz of annoying/amazing chemicals like oxtocin and dopamine that couse through our veins and surge through our brain when we are sexing and spending time with someone. Phermones are powerful.

We take a chance that the guy might not like us anymore. he may have gotten or not gotten what he wanted and might never call us again.

For the most part, I really don’t think there are any rules because I’ve had sex with guys on a first date and we’ve fallen in love and gone on to have long beautiful relationships .and i’ve waited months before sexxing and had just as long and beautiful a relationship. if its meant to be its meant to be. But be a smart woman about it. be in control of your actions. and give yourself the best chance possible.

First off, pick and choose what your goal is with the guy.  Decide if he is WORTHY of YOU before you give all your power over to him and decide you’re just grateful he’s considering sticking his penis in your vagina!

Do you even like the guy?

Would you be embarrassed to be seen in public with him?

Do you think he’s funny or interesting?

Does he treat you well?

Do you respect him?

Do you want to fall in love and extend the magic and honeymoon period and the mystery for as long as possible? Then i advise waiting.

Is the dude totally stupid but the most gorgeous guy ever and for some weird reason he wants to take you home? DO IT! DO NOT PASS GO! TRY NOT TO GET AIDS AND LET THE ABERCROMBIE MODEL FIREMAN OR WHOEVER HE IS FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

Are you just trying to scratch your drunken vaginal itch with some bonehead at the club that evening while you pine for the dude you’re really in love with who’s ignoring your texts and is probs woo’ing or fucking some other trollop? Then sex the bonehead and don’t look back. Actually, I’d suggest just taking a cab home, masturbating, and making an appointment with a good therapist first thing in the morning. But that’s just ME!

Do you have extreme daddy issues and just feel the need to sexualize every situation you’re in with every guy and think you’re just a sexually liberated/evolved woman who says ‘i just like sex! no big deal!’ but really it’s an unconscious need to feed your ego and get validation the only way you know how? Again, don’t do it then! Masturbate and call that therapist!

And if you DO like the dude and could see yourself being cozy with him for longer than one night, then don’t jump the gun!

The thing about waiting that’s cool is that the pay off is so much better for both parties involved!

Whether you wait three dates, a month, two months, or THREE months (if that’s even possible anymore) it makes it all better!

Here’s why:

It means you’re being respectful of yourself. You’re not just letting any/every dirty dick inside your precious vadge hole. Yes, even YOU are precious!

It means less of a chance of getting an STD you’re lucky to not ALREADY have contracted.

It means your reputation (even if you say ‘i don’t give a fuck about what people think of me!’) will improve because as sexy or flirty as you might be, and whatever people might think of you/whatever you’ve done in the past… at least the dude who wants to fuck you will think ‘wow, she’s not as easy as i thought. if she’s not so quick to give me a blow job and sex, it means she probs doesn’t do that with other guys either! i can trust this girl. i could introduce her to my momz one day. i respect her more. and i like the chase cuz i’m a man and ultimately we’re still just animals and sometimes things are that simple.’

It means you two will bond and get to know each other as people and maybe even become friends, and laugh and do cool stuff together, other than fuck! isn’t that the goal? to be best friends and laugh with someone you’re attracted to? that’s my love goal. i mean, i want him to have a big private and a healthy bank account too, but you know what i’m saying.

It means you’re building something called anticipation! You can’t ever get that back if you give your puss away too soon! It’s a magical feeling: Like that feeling between Winnie Cooper and Kevin Arnold from the Wonder Years! Did they even ever have sex?! Who knows?! Who cares?! You get my point! Remember romance? Aiden waited to sexxx Carrie for this very reason! Everything moves soooo fast nowadays, sometimes we have to consciously slow down or we won’t enjoy how good something can feel. It’s like not chewing a hundred dollar filet mignon and just shoving it in your mouth and swallowing! Why would you want to do that when you could smell it and chew it and savor it?! This analogy is grossing me out and not the best representation of what i stand for, but again, i think you get my point.

And I’m not saying don’t mutually masturbate, or dry hump (which is what i call 7th grade sex), or let your boobies be suckled, or be fingered in a car at midnight, or work your way up to giving him a blow jobs and letting him lick your puss! No! NOT AT ALL! I’m just saying hold back on the straight up fucking/penetration! I mean god forbid you hang out for three months with some dude and THEN find out he has a tiny nubbin dick! No no no! That is not what I’m encouraging at all! DEFINITELY do a pants graze and find out what you’re dealing with down there! I mean JESUS CHRIST, don’t be irresponsible with your time!

The point is: i don’t care what you do or when you do it, you’re a grown up (i hope, i think). I just think it’s important for you to know why you make the choices you make, and to be aware of what your end goal is.

If you want to be taken seriously, by someone you’re entering a relationship with; or more importantly, taken seriously by yourself: then treat yourself like you’re your own child! Would you let the six yourself version of yourself be fucked by some stranger at the bar? I hope not!

Waiting to sexxx is encouraged because it’s giving you and a relationship your trying to nurture/foster the best chance!

And try not to sex some dude you don’t really like while you pine for the dude you ARE taking your time with.  I used to do that. It makes the main relationship less precious, is a form of sabotage, complicates stuff and it’s being irresponsible/wreckless with someones feelings: both dude’s actually, and yours! How would you like it if some guy did that to you? Acted like you were his main focus but was dating & fucking other girls? I’m sure you already know cuz that has probs happened to you a million times if you aren’t very fascinating, attractive, fit, interesting, dynamic, or just live in a big city/small town with men in it.

I try to live by the golden rule: treat people the way you want to be treated. I break it all the time, but i’m trying. It’s a daily practice.

But back to sex: overall, if it’s meant to be and the guy really likes you (unfortunately i feel that for the most part, the ball is thrown into the guys court after you give yourself to him sexually) love and a relationship will follow no matter what unconscious, drunken choice you two made at 3am.

Good luck! It’s the blind leading the blind over here!

thoughts before bed:

looking for love isn’t easy. it’s scary and stressful. trying to look your best and be brave enough to put yourself out there. seeing yourself reflected in someone’s eye’s. but we all do it. we’re addicted to the search. and all for someone who could potentially give us aids herpes.

i don’t know what i want. i didn’t think i was looking for anything. but i’m always looking for something. i must be.

the older i get, i analyze more and more. i know what worked and what didn’t work in the past.

i’m addicted to newness, but i want intimacy; something that comes with time. but, does it? haven’t you ever felt immediately intimate and electric with someone you barely know and that’s what keeps you knowing them…that’s what takes you to a place of real intimacy? i know intimacy and electricity are two separate things, but i want both. i want to feel safe. i want a good person who fights for me, gets me, knows how to deal with my crazy in a way that doesn’t frustrate me even more. and someone who calms my crazy just by being himself. someone i want to be the best version of myself for.

when it’s right, shouldn’t it feel effortless? at least in the beginning? how long does the beginning last? can it be the beginning forever? is this why i’m addicted to newness?

should i be with someone who’s different from other men i’ve dated in the past? should i try a new way? do i have a type, other than drummer? i feel like i don’t have a type. although i usually pick men who treat me well. so that’s good.

i’m looking for this invisible balance of things. it’s something i can’t quite put my finger on. i want to mix and match qualities in men i’ve known, men i meet, noticed in passing, heard of, imagine.

won’t i just know when it’s right? i thought i had in the past… but those things ended.

is it a timing thing? i mean, what am i really looking for with these men i put so much on; these men i think of all the time and consider; these men i affect and let myself be affected by in the worst and the best way? i mean, i’m not ready to get married. i’m definitely not ready to make a baby: which is what i truly consider to be the life changer. who cares who i marry? it’s the man i have a child with that’s forever. but i’m not looking to do either of those things yet, so ultimately all i can hope for with these dating, love, sexual, life experiences, dalliances, relationships is to learn. learn about myself. learn about others. learn how to communicate and be kind and considerate. learn about what works for me and what doesn’t. and that’s all very valuable stuff.

sometimes (most of the time?) the stress and strain i put on myself emotionally is more than is necessary. i forget to look at the bigger picture and i focus on the minutia under a magnifying glass. we’re all just gonna die and i’m bummed he hasn’t texted me back? well, in a perfect world he would have, but that’s neither here nor there. i’m here to learn about myself and have adventures and grow and be happy and affect others in a positive way maybe i hope. but the nuances and intricacies of searching and meeting and sexxxing and loving are intense and it’s hard not to get emotional and caught up in ego and details that make your head spin.

i hope i’m not alone in all this. i know i’m not. but knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful/exhausting.

my therapist (yawn) says i have two aspects of myself working at once: the adult and the child… and sometimes i let the little girl version of me make the choices for myself and that’s when i get into trouble.

i’m probably too demanding. i definitely think too much. i’m constantly needing reassurance and testing men.

will i stop this one day? or will i just meet the person who balances me out/rights my wrongs?

romantic movies make women sub consciously wake up every morning thinking ‘maybe today i’ll meet the man of my dreams!’ but what if that never happens?

that’s why people settle. i don’t want to settle. but what’s settling? i think the trick is: you have to know you can’t have it all with one person. you almost can, but something will always be lacking. the trick is, get as close to 100% as you can! that’s how you weigh the candidates. which guy comes closest to fulfilling your crazy long love necessities check list? which dude ranks highest on your vibe/chemistry meter?

i get very scared of the day-to-day calm in relationships. when a man says he feels very comfortable with me, i get very uncomfortable. i have a fear of being taken for granted.

should i blame those romantic movies or having had too much chaos in my childhood. leaving me with a need for chaos that resides in a very cozy spot deep inside my subconscious which is why it’s what i seek out and very often create for myself or at least try to create when i’m dating someone or in love, because it feels the way home felt. it’s what i know. it’s familiar and what i think i need/i’m supposed to have.

i have to work on this.

naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 4):

 

(continued from HERE)

the rapper and i puffed our cigars. i hoped he couldn’t tell i was turning green. in a bold move that only an insecure drunk white girl with bangs and sloppy eyeliner can make, thinking i was playing it cool and coming off as artfully bizarre and interesting- i switched tactics/decided to up the ante of my approach: i casually told the rapper that i’d never had an orgy before and that if he wanted, he should include me in whatever antics he was gonna get into later with the hired escorts.

it didn’t end there. i thought it would be helpful to paint a specific picture for him and suggested we all get a hotel room, a lot of champagne and get ‘way weird’. he seemed into it! OMG! i was so lucky! i mean, the night just could NOT end without me giving it my all in my quest to bed a rapper. who knows when i’d have this chance again?! i mean, i know i could actively seek out sleeping with rappers, but that’s just not my style. who has the time? i mean, that would be embarrassing. i prefer when opportunities to embarrass myself fall in my lap!

i sat on his lap while we sat around a table chatting with some guy with an accent. when i asked the guy with the accent what his name was, the rapper said ‘you don’t know who that is?’ i didn’t. but when i found out, i couldn’t believe it. this was my lucky day! i couldn’t believe it! what a babe! it was as if my vision board came to life. that was a joke. kind of. i know what i sound like. just stay with me. accent guy was/is a very well-known Scottish actor. tall and handsome, rugged good looks. he’d just been on the cover of all the tabloids having been released from rehab. why was he at this party then surrounded by all this temptation?

i asked accent guy to stand up so i could asses his height. that’s a big deal for me. i like men to be taller than me. it’s my issue/my problem. i know this. it just makes me feel small, and therefore more feminine. how dare you?! anyway, he stood up and we went from standing back to back, rubbing our bums together, to standing face to face- looking into eacothers eyes. i asked if he was drinking, he said no. oh phew! good for him!

a girl got up to get a champagne. immediately, without thinking or meaning to, i turned MYSELF into accent guy’s enabler and said: ‘will you get me a champagne too?’

accent guy/Scottish movie star: ‘i’m not getting you a champagne.’
me: ‘how come?’
Scotland: ‘if you were fucking me, i’d get you a champagne.’
me: ‘but how do you ever expect me to fuck you if you don’t get me a champagne.’

out of nowhere, the fedora guy from earlier swooped in: he whispered in my ear, told me he wasn’t leaving the party without my phone number and handed me a pen and a piece of paper. as if this moment were choreographed, i wrote down my info and told him to call me tomorrow. he scampered off. how exciting! wait, he was cute right? yeah, he was cute! i felt like i was in a movie. the night was so sexy. i mean, how could it go wrong?

the movie star/accent guy, the rapper and the prostitutes (whoops, i mean high-class escorts) all got up. the party was in a transitional state. a wave of thoughts and feeling flooded over me: ‘oh no! why? i was getting cozy! we were making a company move? that would take so much effort. house parties are great!’ but people wanted to go see some ‘it’ band play at some small hollywood club.

the rapper took me by the hand and we left the party. but wait, what was i gonna do with my car? i told the valet that i wanted to leave my car there; that i was too drunk to drive. but the valet said ‘no’ and brought my car up for me. wtf? there was no way i was gonna drive. i don’t do that. this was as close to a stupid (car & alcohol related) situation as i was gonna get. fuck! why didn’t i take a cab like i USUALLY do?!

so how did i remedy the sitch? instead of getting into the rappers escalade, his huge brother (not in the slang sense, but in the actual blood related sense) who must have been over 200 pounds and like 6’9 – crammed himself into my prius and drove my car to the club. it was the cutest thing i’d ever seen! to the naked eye: he was big, he was black, and  he looked like a scary thug! but in reality: he was the sweetest teddy bear of a guy (who lived in the valley and had probably murdered someone).

now that i think about it, i’m pretty sure he was wearing cargo pants. whatever THAT means. he listened as i explained how to use the push button start and as i yammered on about how ‘surely no rapper would wanna sexxx me, cuz i don’t have an ass and i’m all white and weird-looking and not a rappers demo! i don’t look like kim k or coco!’ but 6’9 was so encouraging. he told me that if i took him back to my place, he’d TOTALLY fuck me! i appreciated that, but i said we should probs keep with our original plan and go to the club. so off we went, just me and a 200 and something pound rappers bro/entourage dude in cargo pants that i’d never met before who was  now driving my car. off we went to da klub… (to be continued)

trying something new:

one of my girlfriends reminded me of that age-old, cliché quote: ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result’. blah blah blah, yakkity shmakity. you know the quote. it was during a tear filled (mine) conversation with her where i was basically telling her about a frustrating day of miscommunication i’d had with the latest guy i’d found myself having a ‘thing’ with. a relationship? i suppose. yes. i’m just trying to sound tough. but we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend officially. we had no label. we were just getting to know each other, exclusively: not seeing/kissing/sexxing anyone else. his request, not mine. but i had NO desire to see anyone but him. however, we were NOT boyfriend and girlfriend. i mean technically it felt like the definition of what a boyfriend and girlfriend are… but we’d yet to have the talk. but not having a label is fine.

here’s the part where i come across as slightly bitter and confused re. labels:

personally, for someone like me, a label can be scary. maybe he was unsure. maybe i was unsure. and maybe it’s just nice to have a new level of relationship to graduate to; even sexy! as opposed to just rushing into bfgf. really it’s more about the quality of the time we spend together, how we’re treating eachother, the time we’re having; as opposed to a label that can make a person feel, well, labeled/antsy/trapped. and in the meantime, having no label means we’re together cuz we want to be together. not out of obligation or because we’ve put ourselves in a box that we might be afraid to tell the other one we want out of. but, in all honesty, i’m never afraid to leave… so, there goes the anti boyfriend/girlfriend label argument i’m trying to pound in a little too hard! what was wrong with me? why didn’t he want ME to be his gf? even though i didn’t want the label, my ego was bruised! i wanted HIM to want the label!

i’m sure i’m just forgetting about all the things i’d said/done to make him think i don’t want/am not ready for a boyfriend. perhaps that time i said: ‘we are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend.’ or  ‘i’m completely afraid of commitment!’ or ‘when do you think this is gonna end?’ or ‘how do you think this is gonna play out?’, ‘NO labels’. oh shit, i did say those things, didn’t i? plus the countless jokes about wanting to date other people (even though i don’t), references to ex’s, checking out dudes in front of him…. fuck! what a little monster i am.

anyway, back to my original thought:

during this chat with my girlfriend (who i later found out was STONED- wait, what’s a bigger betrayl, not telling someone you’re on the phone with that you’re stoned or not telling someone you’re on the phone with you’re on adderal?)  i told her how i was disappointed by the guy that day. our plans got confused and i was so angry for being made to wait around for him.  but the real reason for my moodiness wasn’t actually because of what happened (as it was a total non problem) it was this: i was terrified and furious and so uncomfortable that i’d found myself vulnerable. i hated that i was affected by him. even though the day was a bit fucked and didn’t go as planned (possibly cuz mercury was in retrograde- ugh, i just threw up in my mouth… but like, you never know, ya know?!) i was enraged that i was emotionally vulnerable. enraged that someone i was slowly giving myself to disappointed me. i felt like maybe i was out on a limb by myself and thought about how there are no guarantees. ‘why should i put myself through this?’ ‘it probably wouldn’t last anyway. nothing did.’ was i bitter? was i jaded? i was terrified.

but then i also thought, if i don’t learn these relationship ‘people skills’ soon… i might never. and then where will i be? i almost need to surrender to loving someone, and being loved by someone; surrender to all the uncomfortable nuances of a relationship. like miscommunications and feeling feelings. being affected. being vulnerable. not knowing. uncharted territory. co existing with someone. trusting someone. being annoyed by someone. and learning how to walk through it all. if not now, when?

after all, i would have the same uncomfortable experience i’d had today with any guy. i had in the past and i would again. it was just a question of being open to it. it was a choice i had to make. i’m in charge of my choices. i could easily choose to close my heart, shut down and say to myself ‘i don’t wanna do this. i don’t wanna feel this way. i don’t want to be affected by someone like this. i don’t want to be so attached to someone emotionally. i’d rather just go back to being alone & casual makeouts with guys i’ll never let into my heart.’

but if i don’t surrender to being with someone in an honest and monogamous way, and learn how to communicate with someone and be completely seen and raw, etc, i would never build that muscle. i need to practice experiencing/getting through all the awkward uncomfortable moments that come with being vulnerable. if i try to control everything and only stay with someone when it’s easy and new… i’ll wake up at forty and be alone. but that’s ok, right? sure it is, but wouldn’t diving into something uncomfortable and scary NOW make my life expand and help me grow?

i’d met someone who was a good person with a good heart. we have tons of mutual friends. our sexual chemistry is epic. i respect him. he’s smart. he has morals. he’s sexy. he’s strong, he has an eight pack. he has that unspoken badass/cool factor. he’s a good dresser. i mean, wasn’t this a good jumping off point? my therapist says that when you meet someone, you’re doing a dance with them and your goal is to meet in the middle; two people help eachother balance eachother out/help eachother heal. i think i’d found someone i’d like to dance with; someone who could help me learn to trust and remind me of what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship/all the wisdom and experience there is to gain from a real relationship.

but i was so frustrated. his disappointing me that day, cuz we didn’t see eachother when i thought we would, made me want to use that as the perfect excuse to ruin it and run! i wanted to be angry and close my heart… something i was just beginning to give him. fuck, i was so annoyed. just a day earlier i told him ‘of all the people i might trust, i’d like to trust you’ and then i placed his hand on my privates as we spooned and said ‘this belongs to you.’  just before drifting off to sleep. and then the next day he lets me down? i was furious. my mind was reeling with thoughts and questions- moments of clarity and freak outs: maybe he wasnt into it like i was into him. but i was ONLY following his lead! why was he tricking me? this was just a reminder that nothing was guaranteed. why was he telling me about the rewards of a solid real relationship and telling me that i’m addicted to ‘newness’ and unable to trust… but then not wanting to call me his girlfriend and yet basically act as such? why did he screw up our plans? and why did i feel like when i was out of sight, i was out of mind? how much of my insecurities were just me? i’m guessing MOST! did i even LIKE him? i did. but i still felt a bit disconnected. did that mean he did too? or was i just burned and scarred by my last relationship and all my previous relationships? were these daddy issues? of course they were. fuck, how boring of me! how long can THAT be a crutch? yawn!

isn’t it weird how self-aware i /you/one can be about behavior… but as logical as you are and as smart and aware of your issues you can be, putting them into practice and behaving the way you know you should and cutting out the behavior you know you should cut out is so difficult? self-awareness and life practice are two different things. should i just be nice and forgive and keep moving forward? or should i get angry and sabotage it and run? well, my girlfriend said that if that’s what i usually do, i should change it up and not be the definition of insanity. hmmm. ok. i would continue to get to know him; decide if i like him; and not give him all the power. i’ll tell him how i feel when i feel stuff; when i’m calm; without being angry. i won’t freeze up and run. i won’t  try to ruin it just so i can get out of being with someone in a real way.

so, to officially talk myself off the ledge:

yes, my feelings were really hurt, but i’m only THIS UBER sensitive cuz i really like him and felt disappointed/strung along. i wanna be with someone who wants to be with me in a real/crazy/intense/beautiful/epic way! and being left in the lurch gave me the impression he could take or leave me. i hope i’m just being dramatic. I’m so afraid of being sucked in just to have the rug pulled out from under me. but that’s the thing about life: there are no guarantees. that’s what makes it exciting AND scary.

i thought this could be something real. i want it to be something real. whenever i become vulnerable with a guy, i get so sensitive. i analyze everything; get mad so easily. this is nothing new for me. i think i just forget these emotions exist, like how women forget their period is coming or how painful birth is. if we remembered, we’d never let it happen again.

opening up my heart and letting someone in to potentially break it just seems like too great of a liability. as women, we already do so many other frightening things when we date/sex/love a man: we are seen at our worst, ride on the back of motorcycles, make ourself susceptible to getting pregnant/stds, fall into habits of unprotected sex, and worse… are asked if we’ll have anal sex!

but i’m gonna try it! (and by ‘it’ i’m referring to a relationship, not anal sex. but maybe. who knows? how dare you?!) cuz keeping my heart closed to the infinite possibility of a relationship would be an even bigger liability. right?

naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 3):

 

(continued from HERE)

holy fucking shit. there he was! all by himself on the patio: the rapper hyphenate! my bff of the evening in red and i were super excited, but of course we down played it to subtle exchanges of intense eye contact… but we both knew we were internally shrieking! we sauntered out onto the patio as if we were exploring the house; acting as if we had no idea who he was/he was in the way/he was invisible/and in no way the point of our focus. i’m sure he figured us out in a split second.

he said hello.

me: ‘oh, hi. we’re not interrupting your alone time? are we?’

‘two beautiful women? not at all.’

omg, he was TOTALLY in love with me! er, i mean us. i mean me. after all, to be fair, my casual acquaintance in red had a boyfriend!
we all sat down, ordered vodka sodas from a waitress (it was just that kind of party. i wanted to make a joke and say ‘i’ll have a disaronno on the rocks’ but i wasn’t loose enough to be that charming yet. that’s why i needed the drink to begin with!) and got to talking. he asked what i did. i said ‘i’m a plus sized model’. he seemed confused. phew. nonchalance would have made me spiral. why did i always set myself up like that? i told him i was a writer. he said he was a writer too. i said ‘oh you are?’ and he responded ‘you think i can’t write?!’ omg, did he just accuse me of being racist? (did i mention he was black? i thought saying he was a rapper was enough.) i just laughed and he told me he was also an actor, writer, producer, musician. boring! i KNEW all this! ‘oh wow.’ i said.

suddenly out of nowhere (as if sent by god to vadge block me) some skinny/indie/desperate/ass kissing actor walked up (my desperation was a totally DIFFERENT kind. how dare you?!)  icing me and my babe friend out. they talked about having worked together and martial arts and stuff like that. i noticed the rapper was wearing a bizarro ring on his wedding finger. oh, that changed everything. i asked him about it. he said he was yes, ‘technically with someone. but in life, everyone does what they like.’ oh do they? what the fuck did that mean? i mean that sounds great and all, and the dark side of me subscribes to that way of thinking… but the little girl in me would also like to surround herself with people who live by the golden rule: treat people the way you wanna be treated. the majority of me wants to believe that people are faithful and you can trust people!

when my girlfriend and him started discussing having sex with emotion versus casual sex and she said she found it very hard to have sex without at least a kernel of real intimacy, the rapper nodded in agreeance/eye fucked her and regaled us with a story about shooting a film in china, feeling lonely, going to a brothel and fucking ten prostitutes. but after, he still felt empty. so THEN, he called a female friend of his to come out & visit and found that when she got there and cuddled him, that’s all he needed. it was an emotional connection he craved. um, was that his way of woo’ing her? er, i mean us?

so many thoughts flooded my mind:

•um, ok… what?

•the dude’s married and cheats? is that what he’s saying?

•so, cheating is ok?

•wait, prostitutes? gross! this isn’t ok! if i stand for ANYTHING, this isn’t it!

•does this mean he has aids? surely herpes. chlamydia? gonorrhea? help!

•does being famous mean you’re above having a moral compass? the rules just don’t apply to you?

•does everyone who’s not famous wish they could behave this way because it means they have money and notoriety and power and are above the constraints of the social norm?

•i wanna fuck a rapper and NOT get aids!

•hollywood is cray!

•just keep drinking and see where the night takes you.

•YOU COULD FUCK A RAPPER YO!

•please don’t say ‘yo’ or the n word or even the phrase ‘the n word’ out loud. not that you would alexi. not that you would. just saying.

the birthday cake was being presented and our patio convo was broken just as quicky as it began. we joined the rest of the party by the pool to sing happy birthday.

after the cake was cut and i made sure not to eat a slice because i was in public trying to appear sexy, i started chatting with a guy in a fedora. in my fun drunk haze, my whole ‘no fedoras’ rule went out the window. i pulled him aside and said:

‘are you gay?’

fedora: ‘no’

me: ‘are you sure?’

fedora: ‘i’m sure’

me: ‘how tall are you?’

fedora: ‘tall enough’

me: ‘k. cuz i’m looking to get into trouble tonight’

and with that i was off.

my bff wanted to go home to her boyfriend. she was sleepy from red wine. we had a pow wow in the ladies room & regrouped like girls do. she reassured me that i wasn’t acting dumb, that i was beautiful, and that i was not fat. so, i said she could go. she left and you know what? i missed her immediately. it’s so nice having a girlfriend/traveling in a twosome.

i went back outside and found my rapper by the pool smoking a cigar surrounded by professional escorts! wtf?? were all the hollywood cliché’s true? god, for someone who was born and raised in west hollywood, i was so naive! like a complete asshole, to blend in, i asked for a cigar too… like Samantha in the pilot episode of sex and the city when she’s making a move on mr. big. see? life really does imitate art! i had managed to regain the rappers attention. yay! he spotted me and said ‘what’s up legs’. phew! but uh oh, i was getting too drunk. i was aware of what i was saying, but i was two drinks away from vomiting in a potted plant… something i’ve only done once seven years ago that i never want to experience again. i had to pace myself.

(to be continued)



Page 1 of 912345...Last »