dear fatty,
what’s up with you being so fat?! i know you’re not technically fat by like middle America’s standards or whatevs- but you live in a big city girl. a metropolis, if you will. anywhere else you’d be considered ‘healthy’. but here… you’re gross. here, healthy means you’re fat!

you’re SO CLOSE to being beautiful. you’re probs ten to twelve pounds shy of looking gaunt even! can’t you just take one for the team? i know you love your personality (which might be lost while you’re starving yourself to reach your personal standard of perfection) but you also hate yourself and hide indoors when you’re bloated and obsess over how you look and how much better you could look in your jeans if you could fit in them.

sure, you could buy a size up (AKA the size that actually fits you) but that would mean you’ve lost the fight/the game! the one you secretly created that keeps you in constant opposition with yourself. the one that keeps you from loving/accepting yourself. Wouldn’t it be weird if you just stopped hating on yourself and embraced you and then the weight just fell off anyways naturally- out of the blue? that would be sooo cool! but who wants to chance it? that sounds WAY too scary! Buying a bigger pant size would be you throwing in the towel to this internal struggle. i know you’ll never do that, so why don’t you start trying harder?

from now on, how about eating less you fucking monster pig! i know you love coffee, so how about one cup in the morning with half and half- cuz i know that’s your heroin. and for the rest of the day only peppermint and/or green tea! no, of course no honey or sugar or stevia or splenda or equal or sweet n low! are you even fucking listening?! Jesus fucking Christ! from now on drink three 1.5 liter bottles of water a day, go to the steam room every day for an hour, walk as much as you can at least once a day, OR just park farther away at the supermarket or whatever it is you’re parking for.

do leg lifts and stretch and dance around in your apartment in your undies too. I’m pretty sure that’s the only time it’s OK to listen to Fergie or Katy Perry. i mean, girls are always doing that shizz in horrible rom-coms. why not try it out in real life and see how you feel/if it makes you any less of a fatso. i call that: art, imitating life, imitating art. except that there is no art involved.

good luck fatty. i know you can do it. you’re only eight pounds away from looking good in your jeans again, but lets up the weight loss goal to fourteen pounds just to add even more unwanted pressure on yourself/be safe. LYLAS beyaaatch muthah-fuckah/boo ya/xo, me

By: boycrazy on February 1, 2011
Tags: rants
129 Comments »

(continued from here)

1. be a racist.

2. keep all reading material in the bathroom!

3. keep KY by the bed. Especially when you’re first inviting her into your room. But if you REALLY wanna take it to the NEXT LEVAL, a rolled up dollar bill on a cd NEXT TO THE KY will only make her introduction to your room all the MORE interesting!

4. tell her you never EVER wanna get married.

5. start fights for NO reason with perfect strangers.

6. be rude to waiters.

7. be extremely jealous.

8. hit her. OR just THREATEN to hit her.

9. make sure there are cum stains on your sheets from your previous sexy time rendezvous for her to see.

10. forget her name when introducing her to people you run into.

11. tell her she could stand to lose a few pounds.

12. belittle her dreams.

13. Allude to having date raped a girl.

14. get mad easily.

15. always be defensive. girls FUCKING LOVE THAT!

16. tell her your religion is the only way to live life! And any other way is ridiculous/ridonculous!

17. do something gross in front of her…. ALWAYS!

18. wear ringer tees with slogans like ‘muff diver’ or ‘pussy patrol’ on them.

19. tell her you love her a week after meeting her.

20. cry whenever possible as a tool to express yourself.

21. don’t tip/tip badly.

By: boycrazy on January 4, 2011
Tags: for boys only, rants
38 Comments »

i don’t even know where to begin. i feel like I’ve put off writing a real, journal entry style post on this site for such a long time. for a while i just subconsciously decided i didn’t want to share my REAL feelings with anyone on the interweb, for real. i didn’t want to use this blog as a tool to help me figure out how or what I’m feeling – like i used to.

I’m in a weird place in my life right now. I’m single. I’ve only slept with four people this year. and i want so much for myself. i want my dreams to come true so badly i can feel them/see them- they feel so close. but I’m in this grey zone purgatory vortex waiting area. in between who i used to be and who i want to be/who i plan to be. it’s scary for me to write this. it’s scary for me to say that i have dreams and goals i want to come true (even though, yes, i’m not listing them specifically for you- but use your imagination) cuz if they don’t come true, then everyone’s witnessed me put myself out there and fail. but that’s why so many people are scared to say what they want for themselves and who they want to be. too scared to even admit to themselves, let alone say out loud.

i started this blog a little over two years ago. and i never stopped being obsessed with it. it’s my favorite thing in the whole world. it’s (for the most part) what my life revolves around. when i first started it, people i knew would say ‘calm down. you’re gonna get sick of your blog if you keep at it like this.’ well, i never did assholes! it’s changed my life. it’s made me new friends. it’s showed me that i can make people laugh and that people relate to things i write/talk about. that maybe i even make them feel less alone. and I’m so grateful for that. it’s made me happy and more confidant. it’s made me feel less alone too.

someone who really inspired me and supported me and even helped set up my website (until i had to bring in a professional whiz kid computer dude) was my ex boyfriend Mike. he had and still has a blog, a clothing company, takes photos, makes films- he’s a jack of all trades. he’s also the first boyfriend I’ve ever had that i could really be myself with. even more so than with my five year ex. he made me ballsy and was super encouraging and never got jealous when I’d interview cute boys. he wouldn’t watch the vids, but he’d read my stories and rants and lists. and it showed him another side of me. it made us closer. he got to see how my mind worked/my sense of humor. in the end, deep rooted differences in both of us caused us to break up (not the b l o g)… but I’m happy to say we’re still friends. we even did karaoke the other night with a bunch of people- which is funny, cuz we did karaoke (just the two of us) on our first date. all that aside, starting this site has changed my life. and in these past two years I’ve done a lot of growing up. I’m in therapy, i have a handful of close girlfriends (more than I’ve ever had) and amazing platonic guy friends. i love all the crazy adventures i have with my friends. and so far…. it’s been great being single.

but recently (the last week or so), I’ve been crying a lot. i don’t know if it’s cuz I’m on accutane- it’s not. or if it’s because I’m stressed about the new year and everything I’ve been working so hard on getting made. but i have so many feelings just beneath the surface. i want all the seeds I’m planting for my future to grow and flourish. and for the first time, i think i want/am ready to be loved by someone. but all the things i read in the news and see in real life, and even in movies like fucking ‘blue valentine’ make me feel like maybe love or relationships and marriage don’t ever work out. but I’m a romantic. I’m not bitter. yes, i over-think things and take in everything i see going on around me, but I’m not bitter or hard.

I’ve recently realized that i need to eliminate the subconscious social expectation that is instilled/ingrained in women from birth. no matter how modern or anti establishment a woman you may be, it’s there: get married, have kids. or else you’re a failure as a woman. nooooo! I refuse to feel like a failure if i end up 70 years old and single. I’ll buy my own goddamn diamond ring. i don’t need to be married. being single is great. being loved is great. as long as i have a good attitude and a wonderful group of friends and my family, I’m good. did i mention that being single has helped me remember and spend more time with my family? not like a ton of time, but I’m making an effort! but back to my rant: even if i don’t get married (which I’m totally still open to BTW, I’m just saying it’s OK if i don’t get married too!) I’d like to have one kid in the future. just one. preferably a girl so i can dress us up in matching outfits and Chanel bags. unless two or three babies grow inside me at the same time. then whatever happens happens.

but the bottom line is, i do want to fall in love again. i want to meet someone who gets me and loves me and makes me laugh and vice versa. i just want someone who inspires me and is faithful and my best friend who I’m attracted to. i want us to be passionate about each-other and have great sex and epic kisses. i want to make out for hours and hold his face in my hands. i want us to make each-other feel safe. for us to make each-others life BETTER. i want him to want to hold me and take care of me cuz i’m not so tough. i don’t care how many herpes, rape, or aids jokes i’ve made on this thing…. that isn’t me. I’m a fragile fucking little girl, just like all girls are. grown up or not. i want to love a boy and hug him and see movies with him and hear about his day and go on long drives and…. well…..lot’s of stuff.

and in the mean time, i don’t want to make out with creeps who aren’t worthy of putting their privates in my privates. i feel too sensitive to let people get close enough to have a tawdry make-out with me. i feel too precious. it’s like I’m treating myself with more respect than i ever have. i used to be free’er with the make-outs. which sucks, cuz when you’re more choosy, you end up home watching TV and taking baths  MORE than you would if you WEREN’T as choosy. but that’s OK. choosy is cooler.

but when’s it gonna happen? when will i meet someone? will someone ever love me again who i feel the same way about? I’m such a control freak. i wanna know everything! when? how? where? who? but that’s not how it works. i like to plan and make lists and know what’s going on all the time. but with this, i have no clue.

people think this blog is about me writing about dudes i fuck. well, that’s not entirely true. it’s about the thoughts i have around past dating experiences/sexual encounters etc. my over thinking and neurosis during. it’s lists and videos and heightened stories to make people laugh. it’s never just one thing and it’s not as simple or crass as ‘she interviews dudes and fucks them’ or ‘she writes about fucking dudes’ even though i hear people explain my blog to me like this all the time. I’m actually very sensitive and romantic. people ask me if guys are scared to date me because of my blog. god, probably. but i hope not. not the right guy.

I’m not even boycrazy anymore. i mean, yes i am- duh. but it’s more like ‘people’ crazy. i love to people watch. i love to talk about/think about falling in love all the time. it’s universal. it brings people together. it’s what matters. it’s what makes the world go round. movies and books are written about it. babies are born from it or lacking it.

i love to talk to people during boycrazy radio. i love to flirt. but I’m not desperate. being ‘boycrazy’ is not code for being desperate or a slut. but what’s a slut anyway? if men we’re judged by the same standards as women, wouldn’t MOST men be sluts? i KNOW! totally! i won’t FULLY get into the whole double standard thing. it’s disgusting. but whatever.

back to falling in love. the last relationship i was in lasted for two months and ended in February. i met him last new years eve. it wasn’t right for me, and i wasn’t ready. and now, all i know is that it would be nice to at least have my sights on someone. to have someone to be excited about. but i don’t.

tonight i am strongly considering just staying in. i don’t want to be frantic. i just want to be still and quiet and calm and get inspired. i want to get grounded for the new year. i want to write my new years resolutions, and watch cozy holiday movies and rom coms. i want to box up all the clothes and shit i never use/wear, and get rid of it! get it the fuck out of my life. i want to write down story ideas and all my dreams that i hope to accomplish in the new year and many years to come. life goals. I’m actually craving starting yoga! that’s never been me! i want to see movies at the arclight by myself all the time- like I’ve been doing the last four days straight. i want to go steam at the Korean spa!

right now I’m more Alexi crazy/career crazy, than ‘boycrazy’. and I’m gonna trust that the right guy/love will find me. cuz nothing good comes from desperation or trying to force or chase something. i want to be chased. i want ‘him’ to find me. and even though i already know that ‘love always finds you when you’re not looking/when you least expect it’…. i just hope he’s funny when he finds me.

happy new year.

By: boycrazy on December 31, 2010
Tags: new years eve, rants, thoughts and stories
69 Comments »

1. Talk about other girls in front of her while on a date.

2. tell her you’re planning a extensive trip to Thailand. And when she says ‘oh. Are you into Asian food and sightseeing?’ Just say ‘no. Not at all.’ Then wink at a little boy and change the subject.

3. don’t pay. ESPECIALLY on your FIRST date!

4. tell her you have an std.

5. look at yourself in the mirror every chance you get.

6. comment on how she’s eating too much.’Wow! you can really eat a lot for a girl.’

7. neg her as MUCH as possible.

10. tell her you have mom issues.

11. don’t bathe for days, then play an intense/killer game of dodge ball, RIGHT before she goes down on you.

12. smoke.

13. be bad in bed.

14. NEVER go down on her.

15. eat raw onions and garlic on your date….especially if it’s leading up to your FIRST kiss!

16.  do drugs.

17. tell her you love strip clubs.

18. tell her you’ve been to a prostitute.

19. admit to having hit your ex girlfriend.

20. tell her you never wanna have kids.

By: boycrazy on December 24, 2010
Tags: for boys only, rants
56 Comments »

There’s nothing greater than time flying by while making out in a car with a boy. Once upon a time, after a bizarro date watching stand up comedy and a super creepy ventriloquist (are they ever anything but creepy?), I walked back to my car with the boy I’d been seeing for the past month. It was raining out so I suggested we sit in my car to be warm and wait for him to sober up before he got back in his own car.

After listening to his drunken tirade about his disappointment and disgust with the stand up comics we’d seen that night and their lack of talent/obvious ambition ONLY FOR FAME by appealing to the lowest common denominator using dick jokes and racial stereotypes, we started to make out. Finally! A tirade can only be sexy for so long before it gets BORING! and thank god, cuz the make out… it was epic! It would go in waves of silly light kissing with jokes in between, to deep intense passionate kisses. Every time we said goodbye, we’d just start kissing again.

The ONLY time I feel like I’m operating on my own timetable is 1.) when I’m on an airplane and I’m not reachable by anyone OR 2.) when I’m locked in my car/cocoon with a boy with beautiful lips who holds my face and looks into my eyes while hours fly by and all we can hear is each others breath, our lips touching, and the banter of whatever we feel like talking about in that moment. Thoughts about life, people, observations we’ve made about each other, teasing, etc.

These encounters, when you’re HAPPY to be partaking in them, don’t exist in real time. They are on another level. You have traveled into a make-out vortex. Party of two. But they DO make you sleepy for when you have to be up early the next day for REAL life. But it’s worth heavy eyelids and dark circles. That’s what coffee and make up is for. This is what songs are written about and movies are made of.

And even though the romantic magic of that night faded soon after, nights like these are to be treasured. They shape & shade your life, and make the time you spend on this planet WAY more magical than if you’d just stayed home, trolled facebook, or watched The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills…. even though that IS a really good show.

And if you’re lucky, maybe a fling that’s fizzled can at least remain/turn into a friendship. maybe even one that lasts forever. who knows? but the  the world just got a bit smaller.

not that you should/need to sexualize stuff with everyone you meet in the hopes of making a new friend and making the world smaller. not at all, JESUS, focus people!

xo/i love you

By: boycrazy on December 17, 2010
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
20 Comments »

when the fader first approached me to do an interview about my relationship with the Internet, i thought it was a practical joke. for some reason, i thought it was a murderer who had devised a pretty convincing plan to kill me… using my ego/never ending desire to talk about myself as the perfect ploy to getting my address, and an invitation to enter my home. and yet, i still said yes. ‘sure, send him over!’

luckily, it was all legit! phew. but the second hurdle was after i opened my front door to let the videographer into my place. the boy operating the camera was a super tall twenty something babe!

this only added to my nerves and self consciousness! OH GREAT! now i had to worry about attracting this dude! fuck! in my minds eye, i expected a George Costanza type to be behind the camera. no offense to the character of George Costanza, but his aesthetic would have put me more at ease! that’s all. instead, the babes presence in my home, holding a camera pointed at my face turned me into a crazy FUCKING nervous wreck! i was uuber frazzled in a major way!.

i started to calm down mid way through…. but i acted like a complete nut case: before, after, and in between takes. more so than usual, even! i couldn’t stop rambling. saying the same phrases over and over again, like; ‘I’m freaking out. i can’t do this. i think I’m having a panic attack. don’t look at me. look at me! ahhhhhh.’ i even popped a beta blocker to stop from shaking. (don’t try this at home kids, unless you’re a violinist, who’s about to go on stage for a performance, and you need to keep your hands from shaking!)

luckily we both got through it, and the video above is the final product of two people crossing paths for an hour, one hectic day. enjoy. xo, acw

By: boycrazy on December 6, 2010
Tags: rants, the fader, videos
17 Comments »

Oh shit, I just remembered what it feels like to have a new crush. suddenly every-thing’s flooding back: All my weird behavior and neurosis that run though my mind when I meet a new boy and let him get close to me. Late night make outs are fun, until I get that intense fear of being looked at as a burden and the guy asking me to leave the minute he cums. So I get defensive and dressed before he has to silently panic that I might spend the night. I won’t even entertain the idea that he might actually mean what he says- if/when he says ‘you should sleep over.’ I feel like everything’s a lie. That the longer he knows me, the longer I’m near him- the quicker my appeal and mystique fades.

So I try to be one step ahead of the game. even if he says and does only nice things and is smiling- I’ll totally write his evil narrative for him! I know how he really feels. right? He wants me to go. He’s over it. I’m a hassle. I’m in the way. So I act tough and make jokes to deflect being vulnerable or needy or sensitive. If I just keep moving I’ll be fine. Being alone is so much easier, cuz you don’t have to deal with seeing yourself and your behavior reflected in someone else.

I wonder if I’ll ever break this habit. I don’t know how I could. My mind is always going! And the sad thing is, what if I’m just hyper aware/tuned in to the reality of the situation? What if I’m right? The saying: ‘show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her’ makes me so sad. I never want someone to be bored with me. I always want to be special. But if that ultimately fades with every guy you meet, then I have to be ready to protect myself and close off at a moments notice.

I hate how hard it is for me to believe that a man might really want to hold me all night. I hate believing every negative thing my father or my guy friends have ever said about women in my presence. Wahhh, boo hoo! i have daddy issues! Yawn. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I punch myself in the face for my cliche bullshit- on your and my behalf! But I still make it difficult to live in my skin sometimes. Am I intuitive, damaged, or just haven’t found the right guy yet? I’m all of the above. And the thing is, I’m not even looking for validation from a man anyways! I’m happy. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life. But it’s scary to think that if I just want to be happy and coexist with/alongside someone of the opposite sex, who’s cute and fun to be around- I make it so hard for myself.

So until I figure it out, I’ll just continue to go on slight emotional roller coasters when I have rendezvous with boys. a night-time get together/hang out sesh goes like this:  I start off nervous, then become happy, making jokes, which leads to kissing and rolling around like 15 year olds, which leads to sexy times USA/intense kissing and deep eye contact, which leads to my feeling emotionally safe, which leads to me either giving a blow-job or having sex, which leads me to shutdown the minute it’s over and I see that the dude looks sleepy and way too relaxed to chat or do anything else but sleep. meanwhile, I’m having an internal panic, which the dude has no clue I’m having- where I decide he hates me and wants me out of his sight and is closed for business. So I smile and say, ‘I’m going home’. And even if/as he walks me to my car, I feel like he’s annoyed by the obligation. And I know he’s so relived to be rid of me.

Yeah, I’ve really got to stop this. Cuz it’s as painful and self destructive as cutting, binge eating, and/or picking at your face.

xo/I love you, Alexi

ps: or maybe i just wanna get my clothes on and go home so i can watch the shows i dvr’d, check facebook, perez, twitter, craigslist missed connections, and have a mini snack and/or earl gray tea with half and half and honey, take a bath, and sleep in my own bed (cuz i can’t sleep in someone else’s bed or have them sleep in mine early on in knowing them). hmmm. at this point in my life, i’d say it’s 50/50. either way, I’m  aware of how i am and i hope it gets easier! xo, me

By: boycrazy on November 2, 2010
Tags: rants, this is not a photo of alexi fyi!
56 Comments »

what I’m about to tell you isn’t gonna feel good, but it could prevent you from sabotaging yourself: people don’t want to see your ugly, make up free face. shhhh! I’m right! just listen. Even if your skin is clear and skin tone is (for the most part) even- they aren’t used to it. do yourself a favor, and keep your makeup free face AKA your ‘secret face’ to yourself/hidden!

In an age where everyone is airbrushed/photo-shopped to death, don’t think for one second that it’s OK to leave your house to go to Starbucks (even if it is JUST around the corner) to get your grande nonfat (good girl fatty) single shot latte- sans makeup you fucking retard! Are you trying to be alone and laughed at for the rest of your life? No? Well it sure as hell seems that way motherfucker! I don’t care if you DON’T run into anyone you know (even though you TOTALLY will). I don’t care if you aren’t trying to impress anyone. I don’t care if you’re already in a relationship and aren’t looking to attract anyone sexually! This is for your own good! Don’t dim your light, and by ‘light’ i mean face.

Remember what the artist formally known as, who might also be known again as ‘Prince’ once said to Carmen Electra when they were dating/he was mentoring her?! Don’t worry, I do! He told her never to leave the house without makeup! how can you argue with Prince?! why would you want to? Sure, Carmen’s style is/was extremely questionable- and probably always will be, especially for the imboycrazy.com demographic! But the makeup part still rings true! Men are visual beings! Fuck, women are visual beings too! So get in the goddamn game. Do yourself a favor: At least throw on some tinted spf moisturizer so you don’t get cancer/appear to be your own worst enemy! And while you’re at it- how about a quick swoosh of mascara?! Would that kill you? cuz i don’t think it would! Pow! you’re in the game! Effortlessly chic! it’s called covering your ass! I know you don’t care and that you think I’m setting the women’s movement back like a gazillion years, blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up! I’m not. And when you run into the dude of your dreams or the girl of your dreams, you will silently thank me.

on a side note, just something to ponder: two lipstick lesbians do NOT cancel each other out! not at all. they’re called a POWER COUPLE!

(but back to my point)….. And if you DO run into/meet a babe at the Starbucks and you’re all raccoon eyed and sallow and yuck- don’t even think a casual aside like “oh no! busted! I’m totally not wearing makeup! Don’t look at me! Avert your eyes! i was just on a hike.” will charm him into forgiving/forgetting your ‘ugly moment’. it won’t. it won’t at all! it’s already too late! first impressions die hard. Oh, sure, he’ll laugh and say ‘huh? Stop! I didn’t even notice! I prefer girls without makeup. Makeup sucks. you look fine!” But really, the impression has been made. you are now, officially… not hot. Fuck yeah, he’ll fuck you! A hole is a hole is a hole! I’ve told you that! But you’re no longer a catch. you’re pretty much a sloppy bag-lady.

So, let me help you help yourself: in general, men don’t think/can’t tell you’re wearing makeup when you’re just wearing tinted moisturizer or cover-up to even out the green/grey/purply/blotchy pallor that is your face. They don’t even register that you’re wearing mascara! These brain-dead losers that I want to fall in love with you, they just think those are what eyelashes look like all the time- from the minute you wake up to the minute your head hits the pillow. So when they say, I prefer when women don’t wear any makeup, what they REALLY mean without realizing it is that they like SIMPLE/LIGHT makeup! You’re welcome/i love you/good-luck. (A make-up tutorial in video form to come soon!) Xo, me

By: boycrazy on November 1, 2010
Tags: rants
56 Comments »

Going to the movies by yourself is one of the best things in the whole wide world! IF you can bypass the fat counter and make it into the theatre without buying popcorn, candy, and soda! but, even if you can’t (madonna used to LIVE on popcorn- and she was never super fat!), solo movie going is an epic experience all around! You don’t have to worry about being democratic about your movie choice, it’s 100% YOUR decision if you wanna watch the credits; and there’s no need to make nonstop banter with your annoying friend/family member/or date even. ie: Banter for banters sake. NOT relaxing/super stressful.

By going to the movies ALONE, you don’t run the risk of someone you’re with leaning in to you WHILE the movie’s in progress making some unnecessary, inane comment or asking some WAY retarded question that you can’t possibly begin to answer without missing some pivitol plot point! and you know what?  I’d be pissed if someone interrupted me while I was watching the trailers! THAT’S how seriously I take MY movie going experience! (i can’t see a movie if i miss the trailers. i’ll be bummed from the get go.)  Don’t you hate when YOU’RE part of a group or duo that YOU would totally hate/give a dirty look to if you WEREN’T with them?! I know! It fucking sucks! That’s why being alone/flying solo can be key sometimes/MOST of the time.

When going ANYWHERE alone, you’re free to be you! (Yes asshole, I KNOW you’re free to be you ALL the time, anywhere, with anyone, but it’s NOT always that easy! you know what I mean!) You’re free to be quiet and silently people watch. free to get lost in your thoughts and daydreams! Free to stare/make eye contact with babes or just people who seem neato/intriguing/or have interesting faces or cool/bizarre fashion sense. You’re free to have moments with strangers! You can eye fuck, judge, appreciate, ignore, inspect, and/or study them. you can  listen to other peoples conversations. Who knows WHAT can happen when you leave your house and go somewhere all by yourself?! i mean, hopefully you won’t be robbed. raped, and/or murdered and it’ll be all exciting fun and way upbeat! That’s what I’m striving for! These adventures aren’t limited to seeing movies either! I like to do tons of stuff alone! fuck, masturbating’s a solo sport, and HOW EPIC is THAT shizz?! i know!

I LOVE to go to restaurants alone! I often ride the tram at universal studios by myself too! listen, all you have to do is get in your car/leave your house, and go somewhere in public- solo. It’s not scary! It’s exhilarating! Order tea! Pretend to text if you get self conscious all of a sudden! It’ll pass, I swear!

When I went to see ‘sex and the city 2′, I went full throttle and bought three seats ALL for ME- JUST to avoid the possibility of some annoying person sitting next to me! No scratch that! My having to sit next to ANYONE would have been annoying. in actuality, I was probably the most annoying/anal person in the theatre! and my buying up those seats saved them from ME- but that’s neither here nor there.

Back to going to the movies alone; It’s like you’re alone in public! In fact it’s not JUST ‘like’ that- that’s EXACTLY what it is, and it feels fucking great! sometimes you just need to feel connected. Even if it’s alone, in the dark, quietly watching a movie, surrounded by a bunch of other warm bodies.

i love you!

By: boycrazy on September 24, 2010
Tags: rants
26 Comments »

All I’m looking for in a girlfriend is someone I can laugh with, who looks good on my arm and makes me cooler. We should be able to tell each-other anything without boundaries or judgement! No judgement! I’d love for you to teach me to wear red lipstick. And for me to feel comfortable enough for us to have tea at fancy hotels and people watch together. I want to WANT to see movies with you, cuz I’m naturally inclined to see them alone.

And I really want to bypass the whole calling dibs on a dude thing. If we BOTH like a guy- HE’LL decide who he wants to be with. We can’t say ‘he’s off limits’ just because we laid eyes on a guy/proclaimed a dude cute/or met him first. And we should BOTH be able to be OK with the outcome of the situation and let it go if he doesn’t like me/or you. Cuz I’LL totally be ok if he doesn’t like ME. That way we can remain friends and date whoever we click with best and never have to worry about our friendship limiting us/our love life! (I know the world is large- so why do we have to share the same crush on a guy?/blah blah blah- well, because the world is also small. And like attracts like and social circles are small and facebook and twitter are only making it smaller. So stepping on eachothers toes while flirting is bound to happen. So get the fuck over it and grow up. It’s totally not personal!) and we can make other girl friend/bffs feel lame/bad about themselves for not being as evolved as we are. We should be grown ups and above petty bullshit! We may watch the real housewives together (NYC is our FAVORITE- cuz we’re new yorkers too, even if we were born and raised in la- and rarely visit NYC as of late- it’s a way of life/mentality more than anything), but we don’t emulate their nonsense and drama- We just find it entertaining in small doses and are happy shizz like that doesn’t exist in our world! We love flipping out too! And agree we would both date Jeff Lewis if we were gay men! But like, we don’t ALWAYS have to agree- this is just a perfect fantasy with room for notes and compromise. Not too much compromise though! I’d really like for this friendship to be effortless!

I want to want for us to go shopping together. I’d also like it if you loved coffee. There. I said it. And BTW, I don’t want to feel ugly or fat or less than around you. I want to have slumber parties even though we’re not thirteen. I want to be able to call you at four in the morning and know it’s OK and that I’m safe and you won’t be mad at me because you love me and you understand that I wouldn’t be calling if It wasn’t important. I want to feel understood and accepted even if I’m not perfect. I want to help throw you a  birthday party or bridal shower or bachelorette party and for you to do the same for me (be my go to) if I decide to do any of those things too. I want us to be Madonna and Gweneth, minus the weird fight they got in that is still a little unclear to me, and ultimately none of my (our) bizness.

I don’t want to make-out or for us to have a threesome. I don’t want to sexualize this. This female friendship is a safe zone. We give enough blow jobs and bad hand jobs as it is. The last thing I wanna do is learn about your clitoris. I mean, I’m sure it’s beautiful, but it’s just not for me. And you’re not even bi sexual- Let alone a lesbian. So why am I even explaining myself? Anywayzies, together we are in a safe, fun, cozy, girly bubble. We can talk about dreams and boys, and shopping, and fucking, and taking over the world. I don’t even wanna borrow your clothes. This isn’t about that! I don’t want to lend you money or borrow money, I just want to be emotional rocks for one another and to be eachothers person to be held accountable. I want to have movie marathons, and go dancing together and maybe even go on a road trip to Vegas- even though I don’t even really like Vegas- but we would go ironically and take in a Chippendale’s show, go to a strip club, see Cher. I wanna go to your house and get ready/dressed up for fancy parties together! I want us to be better off for knowing eachother and being in eachothers life.

I want your friends to like me and not be territorial/too cool for school dicks who make this forging of a friendship difficult for us! I’m awesome! what is their deal?! People don’t own people! What’s with the pack mentality? Actually, it’s cool, but let me be part of the pack first and then we can pull that shit on other people. But not really, but maybe. Cuz it feels good to feel like you’re a cooler kid and excluding lame-os. but that’s lame and we’re not in 7th grade. And it’s bad karma too. But if you MUST do that, don’t you fucking dare treat me like a lame-o!

Back to my point, I want to want us to get manicure/pedicures together. Cuz I do all of this shit alone or with whoever my current boyfriend is.and I’m sick of it. I’m ok being alone. But that’s been done. I’d like to meet the one. I’d like to meet YOU! Whoever YOU are! I don’t even know if you exist. Or if I’d like you. Or if you’d like me. I wonder if I’ll ever be comfortable enough in my skin to feel calm with another women. Comfortable enough not to worry about my facial expressions when I’m listening to your stories with intense concentration/respect/and a tiny bit of devotion that lets you know I care and you are understood and heard. People want that! Fuck, they NEED it. Do all people deserve that, is another story! I want to feel comfortable enough not to think you hate me, or are talking shit about me when I leave the room or don’t see you for a little while.

i haven’t found a potential best friend who encompasses all these things, YET! but I’ve found fragments- here and there- in different people. and maybe that’s all i’ll ever find. but at least now I’ve painted a picture for myself, so i know what I’m looking for.  xo

By: boycrazy on August 20, 2010
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
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