i felt compelled to start the cycle again. the control of ruining myself a little, then healing, then hurting myself. like a cutter . I would look at myself naked when I’d heal and think, ‘shit! Now I have nothing to complain about. i have nothing to keep me hidden in my apartment, or feeling bad/and hating myself. i don’t have my secret project that keeps me feeling like I have control.’ So I’d eat too much, or start the cycle with tweezers again, or tune out while I went into a facebook trance while my right hand would do home surgery on my face and/or back. My controlled chaos/anxiety reliever.

Somehow with therapy and time and learning to remind myself to be nice/kind to myself or at least not so fucking ruthless (cuz if I’m not nice to myself, who else will be/why should anyone else be?) and through my therapist telling me that my issues aren’t gonna go away over night and that’s OK and to look at being kind to myself as a life long practice, that i should begin now- I’ve felt better. i have to look at being nicer to myself as a perpetual life practice from now on. it’s life work- never ending. and not to be so hard on myself, to treat myself like I’m my own daughter. he even suggested i carry a photo of myself as a kid (which i did) to basically remind myself of this daily.

My skin is kinda healing- the peel at my dermo helped, along with retin a, aczone, neutrogena grapefruit salicylic acne wash, st Ives apricot face scrub in naturally clear AND fresh skin (and no, I’m not being paid to give them shout outs (unfortunately), and meetings I had no choice but to have some self control/look nice for.

only NOW am I STARTING to date again. these dates are few and far between (at least according to my usual standards) cuz dating can be stressful and scary! plus I barely have any time. but I’ve finally slept with someone for the first time in 6 months. I’ve had some make-outs, given several blow jobs- one klunky, another I’m proud of- you know… I’m living my life!

but mainly I’m trying not to literally/figuratively pick at myself, hate what I look like, and self sabotage. when it comes to being mean to myself, I’m the worst! I always have been. no one could ever be meaner to me than i already am/have been to myself. I love to think for everyone else and decide what mean thing they may or may not be thinking of me. it’s another tactic i use to feel as though i have some control over my life. I like to assume control by beating the other person to the punch. but it’s a lot of work, energy, isn’t always accurate, and keeps me from getting close to people- Usually men, but now that i think about it, probably girls too! is that why i have so few female friends? well that AND the fact that i can’t sexualize stuff with woman- the way i can with a man, and the fact that my dad raised me to be a bit of a female misogynist, but I’m really trying to over come that. also, girls call dibs on guys, and that’s annoying! and girls can be catty and mean when all i want them to do is love me like the sister i never had. but i can be catty too, and I’m probably expecting way too much too soon. but ALSO, now that I’m getting it all out there, woman get mad so easily over tiny details, sometimes not all the time. anyway, this is a whole other post for another day.

The point IS, if there even IS a point, is that I feel like the fog has finally lifted. I’m in therapy. I have a meal delivery service that helps me feel like I have control over my eating habits (cuz I still can’t buy a box of cereal without eating the entire thing.) I have no desire for a boyfriend, but for the first time in 6 months I have moments when I think ‘it would be nice to be in love with the RIGHT person- a guy who’s my best friend who shares the same sense of humor and life goals as me, so we can be partners and make eachothers lives better. But those thoughts are FLEETING and only when I’m pms’ing. But they are around, which is a start.

but mainly I’m work obsessed/driven/and ambitious. which is great! am i right sistahs? where my ladies at? barf. you know what i mean!

i’m happy to be single. i need to be single. I’ve wanted to be single. being single is one of the best things in the world! and with my being an only child, I’m very good at being on my own.  sure, all this could go out the window tomorrow and i could fall in love and change my mind to ‘wow! being in love is the best thing in the world!’ (cuz it is too) but today, this is where I’m at. the tweezing has stopped, I’m writing again, and there are many more blow jobs/sexy tawdry love affairs in my future. i love you.

By: boycrazy on August 13, 2010
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
44 Comments »

i don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my stories and rants have been lacking lately. I’ve been seriously blocked. blocked by breakups, unresolved feelings, a death in the family, five of my most serious ex boyfriends calling me out of the blue all in the same week; one of which i lived with & was engaged to- who called me up to meet for tea and then told me he’s having a baby with his new gf! and I’m OK with all of it. but i was stuck when it came to writing. maybe too many things happened for me to process. i collected too many stories and i didn’t know where to begin. the following is one of many rants to come- just some of the bullshit at the forefront of my mind. i love you:

I’m single again. I have been since the end of February. And immediately after that breakup, my back broke out bacne styles! and when it was on the verge of healing, I would sabotage myself by picking at my face, back, eating too much, tweezing my bikini line, shaving everything off (and by everything- I’m vaguely referring to the hair on my privates. And by privates I mean… how dare you!/my vagina.) I did this cuz it was my way of making sure I didn’t allow myself to be naked in front of anyone. There’s no way I’d fuck some dude if I had bacne and/or some botched vadge quaffe. No fucking way! personally, i can’t have sex if i don’t feel sexy/like how i look.) i was self sabotaging.

This was also my way of having some sort of control over myself/in my life/over my feelings. Some kind of calm and order within the chaos i wasn’t even aware i was feeling.

Even though he doesn’t know it/won’t believe it/whatevs- I was extremely jolted by how quickly I fell in and out of lust/love with my last boyfriend of two months. wait, is two months only considered a fling? oh well, who knows/who cares?! Either way, it was something intense and I hated that my feelings for him changed. I went in with such an open heart and the guy was and is great, just not for me- so when I realized it wasn’t right for me anymore and the timing for a relationship at all was bad in general (but is that really a real excuse even? doesn’t the right person negate timing issues? no! you know what? i truly believe timing is a real determining factor in whether or not a relationship will work. ‘timing’ in regards to how busy you are or how emotionally developed you are in that particular time in your life), it manifested in the worst way.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t punch him in the face, I didn’t try to run him over with my car or anything- Instead I forced him to witness me wrestle with myself. suffer my annoying girly shenanigans of trying to force myself to stay in something that wasn’t right for me anymore, with one foot in and one foot out.  I was confusing, i was full of mixed messages, closing off emotionally, picking fights, trying to make him break up with me. I just didn’t know what to do! I was buying myself time cuz even I wasn’t a hundred percent sure how I felt. I didn’t want to NOT be into it anymore. i DIDN’T want to be over him! i didn’t want to feel this way. i wanted to feel like i did before, head over heels crazy about him. but i just didn’t anymore. and once that’s gone, you sure as hell can’t force it/re-create it/make it up/or fake it. it’s an invisible halo that hangs over two people and once it evaporates- it ain’t coming back muthah-fuckah. or at least, very rarely does it come back.

The dude was/is a sweetheart and a babe. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I was shocked how quickly my mind could change. But it did. And when that happens, it’s chemistry, you can’t fake it. It fucking sucks. (yeah, i know this chunk was REDUNDANT- a lot of this story is! calm down!)

When it ended, I was relieved for BOTH of us because it was out on the table and I didn’t have to waste his time anymore. I threw myself into work. sure, I had a make-out here and there, but no desire to get naked in front of anyone. I made myself a little bit more ugly every day- literally picking on my self and thinking thoughts like: you’ll be lovable when- your skin clears up, when you lose ten pounds, when you’re successful, when you have more money, when you have a nicer car, in an alternate reality, in a time that may never come and you might just waste your whole life waiting for it- but keep waiting. I’ll keep you posted me! i thought these things and way worse things about myself/for myself (and every so often, still do) every time I looked in the mirror. And when my scabs/pimples healed and hair grew back or god forbid I actually liked my body (which is way more rare than me hating it) i wouldn’t know how to feel. i was confused. it felt uncomfortable to feel OK with myself. (to be continued)

By: boycrazy on August 12, 2010
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
23 Comments »

the closeness i had experienced, followed by a dude jumping on a plane and being aloof (aka: living his life) made me feel like a lil abandoned baby. but this was way way way more rooted in/all about my daddy issues, than the actual dude i slept with!

suddenly i was forced to feel stuff that i wouldn’t have felt, had i not had sex to begin with! maybe if it had been with someone who wanted to date me, and was sticking around, that would have been something else! but i set myself up to feel lonely. if the dude liked me and was sticking around- i would have just felt more powerful and my ego wouldn’t have been bruised cuz i would have been the one in charge of the ignoring/dismissal. hmm. something to think about. after all, i said i didn’t want anything more than a hook up (to him and to myself) god damn it! I’m much too smart for this bullshit. i actually give other people really good advice!

bottom line: i had sex with the dick pic guy. there was no love connection here whatsoever! so what the fuck was my problem? it was an epic night. and if i just looked at it for what it was, and left it at that, I’d be fine. but I’m not as tough as i thought. sex with someone you don’t like, someone you do like, and someone you love is all powerful. someone will always be affected. giving yourself away, even when you think you’re taking something you can handle in the moment, is not as easy as it seems… for me anyways.

if this experience can be used for anything, it will be to help me learn what i can and can’t handle in my life right now. i am too easily rattled. even if only for a few days… that’s a few days too many. the majority of the time, sex affects me. I’m sensitive. i feel stuff. things linger in my brain, and i over-think. nothing with me is light or casual when i let someone into my vadge-hole people. so don’t even try it!

i may not be a sweetly sad faced, overweight, African American girl, but i too am precious!

all i know is this; I’ve had sex with cold dudes who are blatantly emotionally unavailable and sex with guys who are still emotionally unavailable- but really good at making a girl feel cozy. and right now, i too am just as emotionally unavailable! but, ultimately, both make me feel more lonely AFTER the encounter than i felt before! regardless, i took my sexxxy times medicine and I’m prob good for another four months. but even AFTER that; no more casual sexxing for me! especially with trollers and dick pickers! yikes.

i have to be much more careful with myself. because even though my mind thinks I’m tough and it’s all good, i end up weaker in the end. depleted of energy. this also goes for me leading guys on, who i know i don’t like, just so i can feel wanted. it’s rude and thoughtless. sex is not casual. that being said: make-outs ARE! I might be sensitive and more grown up now… but I’m not dead!

this fling represented something bigger for me. it made me think about how different experiences can be; what i want, definitely do not want, and behavior of mine that I’d like to change. behavior that, up until a few days ago, i didn’t even realize i engaged in. in a perfect world, my future won’t involve men ever sending me a picture of their dick again. and certainly not with me sleeping with them- like a reward or something. but the sex was fun, and i don’t regret it. even the part when i found out he’s a blogger too, and him writing about me!

he’s not my future husband or anything. JUST a random encounter! but totally blog-worthy and a tool to be used for self reflection and growth.

i just realized why I’m boy crazy; I’m boy crazy because every time i see/meet a new dude- i have hope. hope because it’s another chance for me to find love. a love that’s unconditional and stronger than the love i never got from my father. wahhhhhhhhh!

how was i the last person to know this about myself? thank god it’s finally dawned on me. but i wonder how I’ll change now that I’ve realized this. i guess I’ll have to wait and see! xo

By: boycrazy on June 4, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
32 Comments »

one thing led to another and before i knew it- we were rolling around naked, kissing… which yes, totally led to sex. but this was different. this wasn’t like the flings I’d had months before. i was having a sexy time rendezvous/fling with a cuddly guy. his mouth said ‘blah, blurg, sarcastic joke here, clumsy jab there!’ but his body said ‘love me, and i’ll love you’. was this how he was with every girl? what was his MO? who knows? who cares! this was epic! we tickled eachother, held eachother, took breaks to spoon, he told me about his parents, we talked about dreams (listen, i have dream boards/to do lists of my goals ALL OVER MY APARTMENT! sure they’re facing the wall, so no one can read them- but if i didn’t tell him, he would have just turned them around! i was at his mercy!)

i could see the little boy version of himself in his face. he didn’t seem evil at all. even if he was a crass, dick pic’ing dude.

we looked deep into each others eyes, pretended to sleep with our mouths open and pressed together, like silly little kids. if there was ever a way to have a fling- this was the way to do it! it was the best of both worlds: extreme emotional intimacy & tenderness MEETS casual cool & commitment free! two people sharing a moment and then moving on with their lives. holy shit, he really DID look like a young Richard Gere! maybe he was the real life American gigolo- circa NOW! he was giving me the full experience, that’s for DAMN sure!

it was loving sex! NOT the kind of sex where both people try to show off all the moves they’ve learned thus far. it was tender, not acrobatic (except for when he hoisted me onto the kitchen counter for a second). and as we looked into each-others eyes, i wanted to hug him as tight as i could so he’d feel love from another human being. i felt like he needed that or something. or maybe I was just projecting. but I’m pretty intuitive! looking up at him, i could have said ‘i love you’. i don’t and i didn’t, but it was that kind of moment. interspersed with talking about the past and the future and goals and relationships, etc. it didn’t feel cheap.

after, as we lay in bed together, i had the realization: even though i’m having such a nice time, and this has been such a great affair, i (still) do not want to be in a relationship with anyone (right now/at this point in my life) and I’m so happy to be single!

the night before, during our FIRST make-out, i had stopped kissing him and yelled: ‘thank god for facebook! this is exactly what i needed.’ and now,  post coital, i STILL  felt that way! no regrets, no impulse to cry, i didn’t feel more alone than ever. he put his arm around me, and i was fine.

we stayed up till 5am, fell asleep for a sec, woke up at 6am, and i called him a cab so he could get his bags from his hotel and go to the airport. he kissed me goodbye and left.

as the door closed behind him, thoughts like; ‘shit, that was epic! Geeze, like, um, wow, if he was gonna be in town for just a few days longer- i would have loved for us to show each other every sexual thing we’ve ever learned.’  and ‘we should just hole up in a Vegas hotel suite and have sex all weekend!’ went through my dopamine riddled brain.

later that day, i met up with my best male friend. we split a cupcake and traded sexual seduction stories. i was elated and exhausted. i saw my therapist the next day. i was still so happy. she said i was on a dopamine high. i asked her when the crash would be, but she just shrugged. well, thanks for nothing! not to worry, i would soon find out on my own.

as the days went by i realized i was more sensitive than i thought.

my emotional calender read like this:

WEDNESDAY- (day of dude’s departure) i was elated, beaming, and exhausted.

THURSDAY- i was satisfied and happy.

FRIDAY- i was bummed, borderline needy/obsessing. my eyes glued to my blackberry, and shocked that he wasn’t feeling the same way.  (dopamine crash! hollah!) at one point i even asked a whole foods employee in the wine section for help. he asked if i preferred red or white, but instead of a wine quesh, i asked him to decode the cryptic, nothing texts facebook guy had sent me. what? there’s no shame in my game! oh wait, i wrote that wrong; there was a lot of shame in my game that week. i had no game. it was not sexy. the wine dude agreed.

SATURDAY- i was over it. (but still telling anyone who would listen about my fling and post fling FEELINGS. gross – insert punch to my face here. )

SUNDAY- 98% of me was back on track, happy, and busy with other stuff! phew!  1% of me (my ego) was hoping he was thinking about me. and the other 1% was disappointed in myself for caring. i was better than that.

but this was deeper than logic, this was biology. this was what sex does/can do to a woman. shit!

i used to love drama and to feel stuff just for the sake of feeling! but this was too much. i was a mini emotional roller coaster. it was keeping me out of the present moment and unfocused. is this why boxers don’t have sexxx before a fight?

(to be continued)

By: boycrazy on June 1, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
25 Comments »

while we sat over coffee- he started telling me about a girl he’d hit on recently, back home in NYC. was he serious? did he not find me attractive? was this turning into a bro out sesh, because i thought it was a date. not one to hold back, i said ‘are you trying to sleep with me? because, if you are, why are you talking about another girl?’ he got flustered and smiled, said it was a while ago, trying to make it into a silly thing, brushing it under the rug. that was a close one! i really wanted to like him. or at least, for him not to blow it.

i was busy as fuck the next afternoon. running around town, appointments all over the place. but they were all just obstacles i had to get past… because i was most excited about seeing him again. I’d made a decision and i was OK with it: i was going to have sex with him! he was only in la for one more night. if i hadn’t wanted to, i would have just canceled that day. this was a specific choice on my end. i felt like i needed a fling, like medicine. and by ‘fling’, i mean ‘sex’. i was into it. it would be no strings attached! i didn’t hate him, and he was gorgeous! perfect! and all the hours we’d spent over the phone before we’d actually met, made it seem less yuck/sleazy. there was some time invested in this thing. he’d worked on me for a while! plus, i’d read his blog for the first time, the night before (after he told me about it/admitted his identity) and i was fascinated! this intrigued me and i had a million questions for him. finally, since meeting him, i felt like i could really relate to him now. more so than just being two strangers who met over facebook with mutual friends.

i bought candles at Larchmont beauty center, i drank tons of pineapple juice for WHATEVER reason, i wore eyeliner and tights. we didn’t have dinner plans. no. i didn’t want to eat in front of him, or gain weight from this experience! no! i wanted a cozy, sexy night. we made plans for him to come over at 8:45. i liked the controlled atmosphere of my house. like i was inviting him into my lair. as if we were kids hiding in a fort, except the fort wasn’t made out of two chairs and a blanket- it was a 1 bedroom with hardwood floors! my house was clean- I’d had it cleaned the Sunday a few days prior (for me, not him). he came over. i was trying to appear casual cool, on my computer, finishing up with some work. i didn’t want to put my responsibilities on the back burner, and i thought it would be super cute to pose on my bed, in front of my computer and say ‘this is what i look like when i facebook.’ so i did.

he told me to take my time, and wandered into my living room. oh no you don’t! i’d heard him say he likes to snoop around peoples houses. what if he stole something? that last part was a joke….  kind of. you never know. for years i had a fear that if i had a boy over at my house, he would pee on my toothbrush while he was in my bathroom. i had absolutely no proof of this whatsoever, but I’d throw away my tooth brush after each fling/visit, just in case. sometimes you just have to follow a hunch/trust your instincts!

i finished my work and hurried after him into the next room, giving him the mini tour of my living room. i wondered if my descriptions of the photos that hung on my wall sounded rote, or if he was even listening. i remembered him promising over the phone- months earlier- that if ever came over, he’d play my ‘sex and the city’ board game with me. i wasn’t gonna miss this chance! i never have anyone to play with!

it was cute, and sweet. we talked, joked while he set up the game. i liked that we didn’t just immediately start making out. we were like two human beings, just hanging out, playing the ‘sex and the city’ board game. neither of us ended up being very good, well that’s not true. i was a champ! maybe he was fibbing about having been a pro. I’ll never know. we played for like 8 minutes. i won. thank god.

he said ‘come here’. i put my hand in his. he pulled me towards him and kissed me.

(to be continued)

By: boycrazy on May 27, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
30 Comments »

Ever since my first kiss, under the hidden stairs of a temple at one of my classmates bar mitzvahs, with a mouth full of braces and a crazy tongue circling technique- i learned something. something that hasn’t changed from then to know:
Boys will ALWAYS see how far they can take can go; how far they can take it, when it comes to sexy times.

it’s as though ALL thoughts/fear/acknowledgement of getting AIDS, herpes, warts, chlamydia, whatevs, goes out the window when their dick is involved. if they kiss you, they wanna suck on your boobs. if they get that, they wanna put their hands in your undies. if they finger you, they want to lick you. if you give them get a blow job, they want to cum in your mouth/on your face/in your eyeball; and for you to swallow like a champ! and if they know you’re gonna sexxx them, they want to fuck you WITHOUT a condom. they NEVER want to wear a condom! ‘it’s too tight’, ‘it’s too big’, ‘i can’t feel anything’, ‘it’s so annoying’, ‘i hate these fucking things’, ‘i’m clean i swear.’ wahhhhh!

it’s like going into battle;

it’s like wheeling and dealing at some flea market in Abu Dhabi (reference made in honor of sex and the city 2: coming soon, to a theatre near you muthah-fuckahz/ladies/my gay brothers!)

it’s like playing Russian roulette with an aids baby instead of a bullet!

it’s like sitting down without a lawyer in court, with a possible life sentence of…. like death.

you just have to make your case, make it good, and stand by it! so you don’t get a life sentence! all the while keeping your voice sexy and the mood light.

Nowadays you have to protect yourself while trying to get close to someone. it fucking sucks! It’s easy to start resenting a guy right away when sex is involved. what you let happen sexually is something you end up panicking over/worrying about- the next day, or even moments after. instead of ‘wow. we just connected in such a literal, beautiful, biblical way! yayzers!’ you think ‘i hope the condom didn’t break. he better not have lied about not having herpes. shit, he probably just doesn’t even know cuz he’s too lazy to get tested. if he was such a pro about getting in MY vadge without a condom, he must have experience talking OTHERS into being fucked sans condom!”

instead of thinking ‘i wonder if he’ll call me.’ you’re waiting for his TEXT three days later while sitting in the waiting room at your gyno’s office praying to god you’re not preggers, positive for syphilis, warts, etc.

All this worry even if he DID wear a condom AND pulled out before he came! you just NEVER know! THAT’S how scary it is nowadays! Sex is a liability, not a luxury! and abortions aren’t another form of birth control! they’re scary too! avoid those at all costs, if you can.

But as scary as fucking, and licking, and sexing, and sucking  is in 2010- love, sex, and hormones are STILL too powerful to say no to! now, then, and FOREVER! So i guess all we can do is just know what we’re getting ourselves into, not feel pressured or bullied, use condoms, birth control pills, spermicide, diaphragms, take preventative valtrex, get tested after every time we sexxx someone/blow someone/get eaten out by someone, and basically try our hardest not to end up soaked in a bucket load of aids infected cum.

good luck.

i love you.

By: boycrazy on May 6, 2010
Tags: rants, sex, thoughts and stories
47 Comments »

i knew I was boycrazy, even years ago, while I was watching the Lisa loeb show. yeah, there was a Lisa loeb reality show and I fucking loved it! one episode, Lisa and her mom went to a french chocolate shop/cafe place, and their waiter was so cute, Lisa wondered if he was too young for her to ask on a date- or some shit like that. who knows exactly WHAT happened, i was too busy freaking out about the fact that i was watching the SEXIEST dude in the world plop down some chocolate cake in front of Lisa loeb on some reality show that we both would have been embarrassed to mention if we were on a date. holy shit this guy was gorge! is it NOT cool to masturbate to excess reality programming? too late/i hope not!

anyways, the waiter was a super hot babe- just to be clear! Dark hair, dreamy, and NOT french! perfect! he looked like a broke, dirtier, even more angsty, but with a bigger d*ck version of Robert Pattinson! and that’s saying a lot for me! cuz i already imagine Robert Pattinson has a HUGE private! if anyone knows him, send him my way. that could be an epic night! hotel, glass of wine, and a tawdry/torrid/sexy make-out etc.

anyways, back to my story: Now, keep in mind, the Lisa loeb reality show took place in NYC and I live in la. um, I’m not saying I went to ny JUST for the chocolate shop dude-but when I did end up in NY, I sure as hell made it a point to find that shop! endless googling of the words ‘Lisa loeb, chocolate, cafe’ ensued!

well, I found it! like a mother fucking champ!  the show did not make it easy, that’s for DAMN sure. no ‘thank you’s’ to ‘insert french cafe name here’ in the credits? what was that all about?! thanks for nothing assholes! even though the song ‘stay’ will forever be a solid and reliable karaoke jam for me and a million others.

when I cozied up at a table in the cafe, all by myself, (while my boyfriend at the time was at sound check) ordered a hot chocolate and waited, it all seemed worth the effort. i didn’t see him. hmm, no worries. I’m sure he was just making a tea, or organizing a plate of scones in the back or whatevs. i asked the ugly, boring waiters- who WERE there- if they knew who i was looking for. i sputtered out some retarded description; hoping that if he wasn’t there, it was ONLY because he was in Los Angeles looking for me! i held my breath for their answer.

and you know what? the dude wasn’t fucking there anymore! nope, he’d quit a few weeks prior! GOD DAMMIT! maybe i wasn’t the first visitor who’d come looking for him? well, i’d like to think i was the cutest! at least one thing was on my side… they told me he was straight! so at least if i did find him, he couldn’t use his sexuality as an excuse not to kiss me.

well, I tried. Had I REALLY wanted to find him, I could have asked the waiters and manager that WERE there for his phone number. But, I wasn’t CRAZY! and i wasn’t looking to cheat. I guess I just wanted a mission and to see if he was as cute in person as he was on my TV screen.

By: boycrazy on February 25, 2010
Tags: lisa loeb, rants, robert pattinson, thoughts and stories
15 Comments »

I’d just gotten home after one of those nights where i did ONE thing that left me feeling like someone thought i was stupid, weird and/or dumb. I’d said something to some dude i thought was a dork, and wasn’t even attracted to, and now i couldn’t shake it. why did i even care what he thought of me? he played no part in my life. he had a girlfriend. i had a boyfriend. but now my whole world was caving in. the spiral had begun; regretting how i acted, what i said, wondering what he was thinking about me now, and how i could change his OBVIOUSLY ill opinion of me. he probably wasn’t even giving me a second thought. but let’s face it, he probably was. but hopefully not. whatever, he can shit talk/think I’m awkward and lame- all he wants! it just weeds out the people who aren’t meant to be in my life! yeah! sometimes i wish i didn’t internalize and analyze everything so much. sometimes I’m very happy i do. either way, i do. I’ve learned that the best way to get over my crazy spirals is to pretend it’s a week later- speeding up the inevitable, when i know I’ll have forgotten i ever even cared what some dude/person/people may or may not have been thinking of me.

that aside, i was using this stranger to distract myself from what was REALLY going on in my life: I’d done it again! I’d cast a spell on a boy and gotten caught up in the moment and not realized that my actions have consequences. that men have feelings too. and that my behavior, words, touch, gaze, and attention can have/has an affect on people. i was in too deep with a guy, and i wasn’t feeling ‘it’ anymore. at least not like i was. now i was left in a sticky situation, but i wasn’t ready to pull the plug, cuz i didn’t know exactly how i felt. it had gone from epic, to me freaking out, to casual. and it felt like the bubble burst and i should call it a day. but things aren’t black and white. i didn’t know what i wanted. i’d met a really great guy. there was nothing wrong with him, i just wasn’t sure if he was right for me. was my confusion enough of a sign to end it, or should i take some time to casually date him and get to know him before i ran ? the only thing was, this thing didn’t start out casual, it started out full throttle and my doubts were only setting in after ‘i love you’s’ were said and he’d asked to go steady or whatever you call being boyfriend and girlfriend. how did i get here? i wouldn’t go back in time and change a thing… i just didn’t know how to go forward.

so often i worry and act out when i don’t get the attention i want from every guy who comes my way. i don’t take the time to consider if i even like THEM! unless they’re a TOTAL dorky/ugly/pussy… THEN i don’t give a fuck! but I’d still have sexxx with a bizarre looking/interesting/successful dude! in a heartbeat! my friend Dallas thinks i have the worst taste in men cuz I’ve slept with fat, ugly, short, abnormally tall, sickly skinny, balding, and bald dudes. not all at the same time! don’t worry! I’ve only had one threesome, and it was with a girl and a guy who were both hipster/heroine chic. but that’s another story, for another time.

anyways, it takes all kinds. the point is, if i even have one- cuz i might not, is that i get caught up real quick. I’m in love with love. or at least infatuation. i can be a dreamy, whimsical person who can find a million different meanings in one look a boy gives me. (which can be unfortunate for the dude sometimes!) i have no problem and am happy to make extreme eye contact during sex. the deeper and more meaningful the experience can be, the better. the only problem is, as easily as i can throw myself all in, i can just as easily shut down- leaving a guy in the lurches. but isn’t that just called life? it’s not pretty and safe and wrapped up in a bow all the time! and don’t men act irresponsibly with women’s feelings all the time? I’d rather go full throttle, then press on the brakes if i decide to- instead of  treading safely and being careful from the get go.

but what was i even looking for? i wasn’t old enough or ready to get married,  or craving a boyfriend. I’ve never sought out having a boyfriend anyways. it always just ‘happens’. but i wanted the love. and for a minute, i felt it too. in fact; i was in and out of it. but then the seriousness of the situation set in: “boyfriend” “i love you’s”. i panicked and had to decide if i should break it off completely, or pull the pussy move by picking fights and being passive aggressive to make him break up with me. i had one foot in and one foot out. a part of me would think “god, the sex is great! he’s good-looking, but he’s not my normal type. but maybe that’s a good thing!?” even though, according to Dallas, i don’t even have a type. I’d vacillate between thinking we were too different and thinking we’re actually very similar. sometimes, I’d imagine myself in his arms, spooning and think “you know what, i could call it a day and call him the one for good!” i hope all girls can be this nutty, because i do NOT like feeling this way. and there’s SAFETY in numbers bitches!

did all this uncertainty mean he was the wrong guy for me? could he have been the right guy, but i was just too young and immature and preoccupied with the need to be alone and work? would i be the one missing out in the end? could i even trust my gut anymore, after all, i have a million ‘daddy’ issues. i didn’t know what to do! should i just stay away from guys, to save them from me and my behavior? wow, how self important am i? is it better to stay with someone if they’re a good person, attractive, and the sex is great – even if the initial crazy euphoria has died down so soon and you could also just as easily be alone? but what if the person is great and could make a lovely boyfriend you could learn from? does it always have to be under the condition of ‘forever’?

if the fireworks/mad crazy aspect of the relationship has died down and you know you’ve met too early on in your life and there’s no way they will be your final destination (which, to me, is a baby daddy). and yes, i know the ‘final destination’  isn’t always the man who fathers your child. but he will, most likely, be in your life forever- whether you split or not, cuz of the kid! so you better be as damn sure about him as you can be if/when you let him cum inside you without a condom.

if all that you’re left with is a nice guy you have sexual chemistry with, do you run and hold out for another “forever” prospect. or do you just hang out with someone and have a nice, fun time?

the thing is, I’ve been single and had sex with guys who don’t love me and it doesn’t feel good. but to be with someone who loves you when you’re in ‘single, all about me and my own personal responsibilities’ mode- feels shitty too! so what is the answer? I’m not wishy washy. I’m all in or nothing. so this makes loving and relationships more confusing. and usually when a girl is aloof with a guy and doesn’t give a fuck and it’s casual for HER/on her terms.. the dude falls in love.

but being grounded and loved by someone you like can be nice too!

i guess when it’s in sync, and the love is equal on both ends and sustains itself- you know you’ve found something bigger than logic, timing, rules, and being rational. you just make room for it in your life, cut the bullshit, stop analyzing, shut the fuck up- because you’re happy to do so and it feels super good and right. and even if you’re not gonna be with someone forever, isn’t it better to live under the spell that it ‘might’ last forever and be open to the possibility of that chance…. and end it if/when that dream is shattered, than stay with someone who you know in your bones you won’t be with when you’re old and gray? cuz then both parties are being kept from something else that could be epic.

it’s better to take the chance of losing someone, and being alone, then stay because it’s safe and they’re good for now/a warm body. that’s way more scary than being alone.

but, just like power shifts in a healthy relationship, do ‘love surges’ come and go as well? don’t moods shift as well? i wouldn’t wanna make any extreme decisions while I’m pms’ing… cuz  I’m a completely different person!

all these thoughts, but i still didn’t know what to do….

By: boycrazy on February 19, 2010
Tags: love and relationships, rants
62 Comments »

THE MONSTER ASKS ABOUT LOVE: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

By: boycrazy on January 28, 2010
Tags: rants, the monster asks you about love, videos
85 Comments »

holy fuck! when exactly did my phone become my lifeline?  My beacon of hope?! I stare at it. i cradle it in my hands. It’s a part of me. this has been slowly creeping up on me for like practically an eon! but I’m still shocked at how full on my dependency has become! if someone told me what I’m telling you, I’d say ‘yo, bro, for serious, you have way too much time on your hands. you’re obsessing. get a life. chill-ax. take it down a notch or twelve!’ But, I don’t have too much time on my hands. I have plenty to do. that’s the problem! my phone is my perfect excuse/distraction that keeps me from getting that stuff done! how confusing! it helps me AND it’s debilitating all at once! what the fuck?! Be careful! don’t let this happen to you.

I hear phantom beeps/text alerts/e-mail notifications! I thought I was better than this! i feel it vibrate in my back pocket even when i, for some stupid reason- that i should probably be murdered for, left it at home or in the car! what was i thinking? Please god- don’t let me get in a car accident because I can’t unglue my eyes from my phone, which is cradled in the drink holder, cuz I’m checking to see if the red light is flashing! this is sick! and i don’t even have a camera phone… yet!

it’s the first thing i look at in the morning and the last thing i look at before bed. I’ve even found myself waking up in the middle of the night to see if there’s a new alert! i charge it, back it up, clean it, turn it on and off. i might as well own a dog. i worry about it dying, falling, breaking.  it links to my face-book, my twitter! it’s my lifeline! with it, i never have to feel lonely. my portable loneliness eliminator. i take it out with me to dinner even. just us.

if I’m super needy or nervous when i’m out and about- i have the option to ‘pretend text’, in order to look cool! i said the option. i don’t actually do that, or feel the need to, but it’s nice to have the option! Jesus! it gives me directions and it is ruling my life.

i know I’m not alone in this crazy heroine like, obsessive addiction to my phone. PS/FYI-: it’s a blackberry, if you must know. and one of the only things that keeps me feeling like i have some modicum of control is that i refuse to bbm. please help me be strong, and remember who i am. grant me the power to overcome this war/battle of my own free will. i love you. xo

PS:

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By: boycrazy on January 13, 2010
Tags: rants
25 Comments »