thank you to THE FADER!

when the fader first approached me to do an interview about my relationship with the Internet, i thought it was a practical joke. for some reason, i thought it was a murderer who had devised a pretty convincing plan to kill me… using my ego/never ending desire to talk about myself as the perfect ploy to getting my address, and an invitation to enter my home. and yet, i still said yes. ‘sure, send him over!’

luckily, it was all legit! phew. but the second hurdle was after i opened my front door to let the videographer into my place. the boy operating the camera was a super tall twenty something babe!

this only added to my nerves and self consciousness! OH GREAT! now i had to worry about attracting this dude! fuck! in my minds eye, i expected a George Costanza type to be behind the camera. no offense to the character of George Costanza, but his aesthetic would have put me more at ease! that’s all. instead, the babes presence in my home, holding a camera pointed at my face turned me into a crazy FUCKING nervous wreck! i was uuber frazzled in a major way!.

i started to calm down mid way through…. but i acted like a complete nut case: before, after, and in between takes. more so than usual, even! i couldn’t stop rambling. saying the same phrases over and over again, like; ‘I’m freaking out. i can’t do this. i think I’m having a panic attack. don’t look at me. look at me! ahhhhhh.’ i even popped a beta blocker to stop from shaking. (don’t try this at home kids, unless you’re a violinist, who’s about to go on stage for a performance, and you need to keep your hands from shaking!)

luckily we both got through it, and the video above is the final product of two people crossing paths for an hour, one hectic day. enjoy. xo, acw

the downfalls of a new crush:

Oh shit, I just remembered what it feels like to have a new crush. suddenly every-thing’s flooding back: All my weird behavior and neurosis that run though my mind when I meet a new boy and let him get close to me. Late night make outs are fun, until I get that intense fear of being looked at as a burden and the guy asking me to leave the minute he cums. So I get defensive and dressed before he has to silently panic that I might spend the night. I won’t even entertain the idea that he might actually mean what he says- if/when he says ‘you should sleep over.’ I feel like everything’s a lie. That the longer he knows me, the longer I’m near him- the quicker my appeal and mystique fades.

So I try to be one step ahead of the game. even if he says and does only nice things and is smiling- I’ll totally write his evil narrative for him! I know how he really feels. right? He wants me to go. He’s over it. I’m a hassle. I’m in the way. So I act tough and make jokes to deflect being vulnerable or needy or sensitive. If I just keep moving I’ll be fine. Being alone is so much easier, cuz you don’t have to deal with seeing yourself and your behavior reflected in someone else.

I wonder if I’ll ever break this habit. I don’t know how I could. My mind is always going! And the sad thing is, what if I’m just hyper aware/tuned in to the reality of the situation? What if I’m right? The saying: ‘show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her’ makes me so sad. I never want someone to be bored with me. I always want to be special. But if that ultimately fades with every guy you meet, then I have to be ready to protect myself and close off at a moments notice.

I hate how hard it is for me to believe that a man might really want to hold me all night. I hate believing every negative thing my father or my guy friends have ever said about women in my presence. Wahhh, boo hoo! i have daddy issues! Yawn. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I punch myself in the face for my cliche bullshit- on your and my behalf! But I still make it difficult to live in my skin sometimes. Am I intuitive, damaged, or just haven’t found the right guy yet? I’m all of the above. And the thing is, I’m not even looking for validation from a man anyways! I’m happy. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life. But it’s scary to think that if I just want to be happy and coexist with/alongside someone of the opposite sex, who’s cute and fun to be around- I make it so hard for myself.

So until I figure it out, I’ll just continue to go on slight emotional roller coasters when I have rendezvous with boys. a night-time get together/hang out sesh goes like this:  I start off nervous, then become happy, making jokes, which leads to kissing and rolling around like 15 year olds, which leads to sexy times USA/intense kissing and deep eye contact, which leads to my feeling emotionally safe, which leads to me either giving a blow-job or having sex, which leads me to shutdown the minute it’s over and I see that the dude looks sleepy and way too relaxed to chat or do anything else but sleep. meanwhile, I’m having an internal panic, which the dude has no clue I’m having- where I decide he hates me and wants me out of his sight and is closed for business. So I smile and say, ‘I’m going home’. And even if/as he walks me to my car, I feel like he’s annoyed by the obligation. And I know he’s so relived to be rid of me.

Yeah, I’ve really got to stop this. Cuz it’s as painful and self destructive as cutting, binge eating, and/or picking at your face.

xo/I love you, Alexi

ps: or maybe i just wanna get my clothes on and go home so i can watch the shows i dvr’d, check facebook, perez, twitter, craigslist missed connections, and have a mini snack and/or earl gray tea with half and half and honey, take a bath, and sleep in my own bed (cuz i can’t sleep in someone else’s bed or have them sleep in mine early on in knowing them). hmmm. at this point in my life, i’d say it’s 50/50. either way, I’m  aware of how i am and i hope it gets easier! xo, me

secret face:

what I’m about to tell you isn’t gonna feel good, but it could prevent you from sabotaging yourself: people don’t want to see your ugly, make up free face. shhhh! I’m right! just listen. Even if your skin is clear and skin tone is (for the most part) even- they aren’t used to it. do yourself a favor, and keep your makeup free face AKA your ‘secret face’ to yourself/hidden!

In an age where everyone is airbrushed/photo-shopped to death, don’t think for one second that it’s OK to leave your house to go to Starbucks (even if it is JUST around the corner) to get your grande nonfat (good girl fatty) single shot latte- sans makeup you fucking retard! Are you trying to be alone and laughed at for the rest of your life? No? Well it sure as hell seems that way motherfucker! I don’t care if you DON’T run into anyone you know (even though you TOTALLY will). I don’t care if you aren’t trying to impress anyone. I don’t care if you’re already in a relationship and aren’t looking to attract anyone sexually! This is for your own good! Don’t dim your light, and by ‘light’ i mean face.

Remember what the artist formally known as, who might also be known again as ‘Prince’ once said to Carmen Electra when they were dating/he was mentoring her?! Don’t worry, I do! He told her never to leave the house without makeup! how can you argue with Prince?! why would you want to? Sure, Carmen’s style is/was extremely questionable- and probably always will be, especially for the demographic! But the makeup part still rings true! Men are visual beings! Fuck, women are visual beings too! So get in the goddamn game. Do yourself a favor: At least throw on some tinted spf moisturizer so you don’t get cancer/appear to be your own worst enemy! And while you’re at it- how about a quick swoosh of mascara?! Would that kill you? cuz i don’t think it would! Pow! you’re in the game! Effortlessly chic! it’s called covering your ass! I know you don’t care and that you think I’m setting the women’s movement back like a gazillion years, blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up! I’m not. And when you run into the dude of your dreams or the girl of your dreams, you will silently thank me.

on a side note, just something to ponder: two lipstick lesbians do NOT cancel each other out! not at all. they’re called a POWER COUPLE!

(but back to my point)….. And if you DO run into/meet a babe at the Starbucks and you’re all raccoon eyed and sallow and yuck- don’t even think a casual aside like “oh no! busted! I’m totally not wearing makeup! Don’t look at me! Avert your eyes! i was just on a hike.” will charm him into forgiving/forgetting your ‘ugly moment’. it won’t. it won’t at all! it’s already too late! first impressions die hard. Oh, sure, he’ll laugh and say ‘huh? Stop! I didn’t even notice! I prefer girls without makeup. Makeup sucks. you look fine!” But really, the impression has been made. you are now, officially… not hot. Fuck yeah, he’ll fuck you! A hole is a hole is a hole! I’ve told you that! But you’re no longer a catch. you’re pretty much a sloppy bag-lady.

So, let me help you help yourself: in general, men don’t think/can’t tell you’re wearing makeup when you’re just wearing tinted moisturizer or cover-up to even out the green/grey/purply/blotchy pallor that is your face. They don’t even register that you’re wearing mascara! These brain-dead losers that I want to fall in love with you, they just think those are what eyelashes look like all the time- from the minute you wake up to the minute your head hits the pillow. So when they say, I prefer when women don’t wear any makeup, what they REALLY mean without realizing it is that they like SIMPLE/LIGHT makeup! You’re welcome/i love you/good-luck. (A make-up tutorial in video form to come soon!) Xo, me

alone in the dark:

Going to the movies by yourself is one of the best things in the whole wide world! IF you can bypass the fat counter and make it into the theatre without buying popcorn, candy, and soda! but, even if you can’t (madonna used to LIVE on popcorn- and she was never super fat!), solo movie going is an epic experience all around! You don’t have to worry about being democratic about your movie choice, it’s 100% YOUR decision if you wanna watch the credits; and there’s no need to make nonstop banter with your annoying friend/family member/or date even. ie: Banter for banters sake. NOT relaxing/super stressful.

By going to the movies ALONE, you don’t run the risk of someone you’re with leaning in to you WHILE the movie’s in progress making some unnecessary, inane comment or asking some WAY retarded question that you can’t possibly begin to answer without missing some pivitol plot point! and you know what?  I’d be pissed if someone interrupted me while I was watching the trailers! THAT’S how seriously I take MY movie going experience! (i can’t see a movie if i miss the trailers. i’ll be bummed from the get go.)  Don’t you hate when YOU’RE part of a group or duo that YOU would totally hate/give a dirty look to if you WEREN’T with them?! I know! It fucking sucks! That’s why being alone/flying solo can be key sometimes/MOST of the time.

When going ANYWHERE alone, you’re free to be you! (Yes asshole, I KNOW you’re free to be you ALL the time, anywhere, with anyone, but it’s NOT always that easy! you know what I mean!) You’re free to be quiet and silently people watch. free to get lost in your thoughts and daydreams! Free to stare/make eye contact with babes or just people who seem neato/intriguing/or have interesting faces or cool/bizarre fashion sense. You’re free to have moments with strangers! You can eye fuck, judge, appreciate, ignore, inspect, and/or study them. you can  listen to other peoples conversations. Who knows WHAT can happen when you leave your house and go somewhere all by yourself?! i mean, hopefully you won’t be robbed. raped, and/or murdered and it’ll be all exciting fun and way upbeat! That’s what I’m striving for! These adventures aren’t limited to seeing movies either! I like to do tons of stuff alone! fuck, masturbating’s a solo sport, and HOW EPIC is THAT shizz?! i know!

I LOVE to go to restaurants alone! I often ride the tram at universal studios by myself too! listen, all you have to do is get in your car/leave your house, and go somewhere in public- solo. It’s not scary! It’s exhilarating! Order tea! Pretend to text if you get self conscious all of a sudden! It’ll pass, I swear!

When I went to see ‘sex and the city 2’, I went full throttle and bought three seats ALL for ME- JUST to avoid the possibility of some annoying person sitting next to me! No scratch that! My having to sit next to ANYONE would have been annoying. in actuality, I was probably the most annoying/anal person in the theatre! and my buying up those seats saved them from ME- but that’s neither here nor there.

Back to going to the movies alone; It’s like you’re alone in public! In fact it’s not JUST ‘like’ that- that’s EXACTLY what it is, and it feels fucking great! sometimes you just need to feel connected. Even if it’s alone, in the dark, quietly watching a movie, surrounded by a bunch of other warm bodies.

i love you!

the perfect BFFF (best female friend forever):

All I’m looking for in a girlfriend is someone I can laugh with, who looks good on my arm and makes me cooler. We should be able to tell each-other anything without boundaries or judgement! No judgement! I’d love for you to teach me to wear red lipstick. And for me to feel comfortable enough for us to have tea at fancy hotels and people watch together. I want to WANT to see movies with you, cuz I’m naturally inclined to see them alone.

And I really want to bypass the whole calling dibs on a dude thing. If we BOTH like a guy- HE’LL decide who he wants to be with. We can’t say ‘he’s off limits’ just because we laid eyes on a guy/proclaimed a dude cute/or met him first. And we should BOTH be able to be OK with the outcome of the situation and let it go if he doesn’t like me/or you. Cuz I’LL totally be ok if he doesn’t like ME. That way we can remain friends and date whoever we click with best and never have to worry about our friendship limiting us/our love life! (I know the world is large- so why do we have to share the same crush on a guy?/blah blah blah- well, because the world is also small. And like attracts like and social circles are small and facebook and twitter are only making it smaller. So stepping on eachothers toes while flirting is bound to happen. So get the fuck over it and grow up. It’s totally not personal!) and we can make other girl friend/bffs feel lame/bad about themselves for not being as evolved as we are. We should be grown ups and above petty bullshit! We may watch the real housewives together (NYC is our FAVORITE- cuz we’re new yorkers too, even if we were born and raised in la- and rarely visit NYC as of late- it’s a way of life/mentality more than anything), but we don’t emulate their nonsense and drama- We just find it entertaining in small doses and are happy shizz like that doesn’t exist in our world! We love flipping out too! And agree we would both date Jeff Lewis if we were gay men! But like, we don’t ALWAYS have to agree- this is just a perfect fantasy with room for notes and compromise. Not too much compromise though! I’d really like for this friendship to be effortless!

I want to want for us to go shopping together. I’d also like it if you loved coffee. There. I said it. And BTW, I don’t want to feel ugly or fat or less than around you. I want to have slumber parties even though we’re not thirteen. I want to be able to call you at four in the morning and know it’s OK and that I’m safe and you won’t be mad at me because you love me and you understand that I wouldn’t be calling if It wasn’t important. I want to feel understood and accepted even if I’m not perfect. I want to help throw you a  birthday party or bridal shower or bachelorette party and for you to do the same for me (be my go to) if I decide to do any of those things too. I want us to be Madonna and Gweneth, minus the weird fight they got in that is still a little unclear to me, and ultimately none of my (our) bizness.

I don’t want to make-out or for us to have a threesome. I don’t want to sexualize this. This female friendship is a safe zone. We give enough blow jobs and bad hand jobs as it is. The last thing I wanna do is learn about your clitoris. I mean, I’m sure it’s beautiful, but it’s just not for me. And you’re not even bi sexual- Let alone a lesbian. So why am I even explaining myself? Anywayzies, together we are in a safe, fun, cozy, girly bubble. We can talk about dreams and boys, and shopping, and fucking, and taking over the world. I don’t even wanna borrow your clothes. This isn’t about that! I don’t want to lend you money or borrow money, I just want to be emotional rocks for one another and to be eachothers person to be held accountable. I want to have movie marathons, and go dancing together and maybe even go on a road trip to Vegas- even though I don’t even really like Vegas- but we would go ironically and take in a Chippendale’s show, go to a strip club, see Cher. I wanna go to your house and get ready/dressed up for fancy parties together! I want us to be better off for knowing eachother and being in eachothers life.

I want your friends to like me and not be territorial/too cool for school dicks who make this forging of a friendship difficult for us! I’m awesome! what is their deal?! People don’t own people! What’s with the pack mentality? Actually, it’s cool, but let me be part of the pack first and then we can pull that shit on other people. But not really, but maybe. Cuz it feels good to feel like you’re a cooler kid and excluding lame-os. but that’s lame and we’re not in 7th grade. And it’s bad karma too. But if you MUST do that, don’t you fucking dare treat me like a lame-o!

Back to my point, I want to want us to get manicure/pedicures together. Cuz I do all of this shit alone or with whoever my current boyfriend is.and I’m sick of it. I’m ok being alone. But that’s been done. I’d like to meet the one. I’d like to meet YOU! Whoever YOU are! I don’t even know if you exist. Or if I’d like you. Or if you’d like me. I wonder if I’ll ever be comfortable enough in my skin to feel calm with another women. Comfortable enough not to worry about my facial expressions when I’m listening to your stories with intense concentration/respect/and a tiny bit of devotion that lets you know I care and you are understood and heard. People want that! Fuck, they NEED it. Do all people deserve that, is another story! I want to feel comfortable enough not to think you hate me, or are talking shit about me when I leave the room or don’t see you for a little while.

i haven’t found a potential best friend who encompasses all these things, YET! but I’ve found fragments- here and there- in different people. and maybe that’s all i’ll ever find. but at least now I’ve painted a picture for myself, so i know what I’m looking for.  xo

‘where have i been?’ – a manic rant (part 2 of 2):

i felt compelled to start the cycle again. the control of ruining myself a little, then healing, then hurting myself. like a cutter . I would look at myself naked when I’d heal and think, ‘shit! Now I have nothing to complain about. i have nothing to keep me hidden in my apartment, or feeling bad/and hating myself. i don’t have my secret project that keeps me feeling like I have control.’ So I’d eat too much, or start the cycle with tweezers again, or tune out while I went into a facebook trance while my right hand would do home surgery on my face and/or back. My controlled chaos/anxiety reliever.

Somehow with therapy and time and learning to remind myself to be nice/kind to myself or at least not so fucking ruthless (cuz if I’m not nice to myself, who else will be/why should anyone else be?) and through my therapist telling me that my issues aren’t gonna go away over night and that’s OK and to look at being kind to myself as a life long practice, that i should begin now- I’ve felt better. i have to look at being nicer to myself as a perpetual life practice from now on. it’s life work- never ending. and not to be so hard on myself, to treat myself like I’m my own daughter. he even suggested i carry a photo of myself as a kid (which i did) to basically remind myself of this daily.

My skin is kinda healing- the peel at my dermo helped, along with retin a, aczone, neutrogena grapefruit salicylic acne wash, st Ives apricot face scrub in naturally clear AND fresh skin (and no, I’m not being paid to give them shout outs (unfortunately), and meetings I had no choice but to have some self control/look nice for.

only NOW am I STARTING to date again. these dates are few and far between (at least according to my usual standards) cuz dating can be stressful and scary! plus I barely have any time. but I’ve finally slept with someone for the first time in 6 months. I’ve had some make-outs, given several blow jobs- one klunky, another I’m proud of- you know… I’m living my life!

but mainly I’m trying not to literally/figuratively pick at myself, hate what I look like, and self sabotage. when it comes to being mean to myself, I’m the worst! I always have been. no one could ever be meaner to me than i already am/have been to myself. I love to think for everyone else and decide what mean thing they may or may not be thinking of me. it’s another tactic i use to feel as though i have some control over my life. I like to assume control by beating the other person to the punch. but it’s a lot of work, energy, isn’t always accurate, and keeps me from getting close to people- Usually men, but now that i think about it, probably girls too! is that why i have so few female friends? well that AND the fact that i can’t sexualize stuff with woman- the way i can with a man, and the fact that my dad raised me to be a bit of a female misogynist, but I’m really trying to over come that. also, girls call dibs on guys, and that’s annoying! and girls can be catty and mean when all i want them to do is love me like the sister i never had. but i can be catty too, and I’m probably expecting way too much too soon. but ALSO, now that I’m getting it all out there, woman get mad so easily over tiny details, sometimes not all the time. anyway, this is a whole other post for another day.

The point IS, if there even IS a point, is that I feel like the fog has finally lifted. I’m in therapy. I have a meal delivery service that helps me feel like I have control over my eating habits (cuz I still can’t buy a box of cereal without eating the entire thing.) I have no desire for a boyfriend, but for the first time in 6 months I have moments when I think ‘it would be nice to be in love with the RIGHT person- a guy who’s my best friend who shares the same sense of humor and life goals as me, so we can be partners and make eachothers lives better. But those thoughts are FLEETING and only when I’m pms’ing. But they are around, which is a start.

but mainly I’m work obsessed/driven/and ambitious. which is great! am i right sistahs? where my ladies at? barf. you know what i mean!

i’m happy to be single. i need to be single. I’ve wanted to be single. being single is one of the best things in the world! and with my being an only child, I’m very good at being on my own.  sure, all this could go out the window tomorrow and i could fall in love and change my mind to ‘wow! being in love is the best thing in the world!’ (cuz it is too) but today, this is where I’m at. the tweezing has stopped, I’m writing again, and there are many more blow jobs/sexy tawdry love affairs in my future. i love you.

‘where have i been?’ – a manic rant (part 1 of 2):

i don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my stories and rants have been lacking lately. I’ve been seriously blocked. blocked by breakups, unresolved feelings, a death in the family, five of my most serious ex boyfriends calling me out of the blue all in the same week; one of which i lived with & was engaged to- who called me up to meet for tea and then told me he’s having a baby with his new gf! and I’m OK with all of it. but i was stuck when it came to writing. maybe too many things happened for me to process. i collected too many stories and i didn’t know where to begin. the following is one of many rants to come- just some of the bullshit at the forefront of my mind. i love you:

I’m single again. I have been since the end of February. And immediately after that breakup, my back broke out bacne styles! and when it was on the verge of healing, I would sabotage myself by picking at my face, back, eating too much, tweezing my bikini line, shaving everything off (and by everything– I’m vaguely referring to the hair on my privates. And by privates I mean… how dare you!/my vagina.) I did this cuz it was my way of making sure I didn’t allow myself to be naked in front of anyone. There’s no way I’d fuck some dude if I had bacne and/or some botched vadge quaffe. No fucking way! personally, i can’t have sex if i don’t feel sexy/like how i look.) i was self sabotaging.

This was also my way of having some sort of control over myself/in my life/over my feelings. Some kind of calm and order within the chaos i wasn’t even aware i was feeling.

Even though he doesn’t know it/won’t believe it/whatevs– I was extremely jolted by how quickly I fell in and out of lust/love with my last boyfriend of two months. wait, is two months only considered a fling? oh well, who knows/who cares?! Either way, it was something intense and I hated that my feelings for him changed. I went in with such an open heart and the guy was and is great, just not for me- so when I realized it wasn’t right for me anymore and the timing for a relationship at all was bad in general (but is that really a real excuse even? doesn’t the right person negate timing issues? no! you know what? i truly believe timing is a real determining factor in whether or not a relationship will work. ‘timing’ in regards to how busy you are or how emotionally developed you are in that particular time in your life), it manifested in the worst way.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t punch him in the face, I didn’t try to run him over with my car or anything- Instead I forced him to witness me wrestle with myself. suffer my annoying girly shenanigans of trying to force myself to stay in something that wasn’t right for me anymore, with one foot in and one foot out.  I was confusing, i was full of mixed messages, closing off emotionally, picking fights, trying to make him break up with me. I just didn’t know what to do! I was buying myself time cuz even I wasn’t a hundred percent sure how I felt. I didn’t want to NOT be into it anymore. i DIDN’T want to be over him! i didn’t want to feel this way. i wanted to feel like i did before, head over heels crazy about him. but i just didn’t anymore. and once that’s gone, you sure as hell can’t force it/re-create it/make it up/or fake it. it’s an invisible halo that hangs over two people and once it evaporates- it ain’t coming back muthah-fuckah. or at least, very rarely does it come back.

The dude was/is a sweetheart and a babe. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I was shocked how quickly my mind could change. But it did. And when that happens, it’s chemistry, you can’t fake it. It fucking sucks. (yeah, i know this chunk was REDUNDANT- a lot of this story is! calm down!)

When it ended, I was relieved for BOTH of us because it was out on the table and I didn’t have to waste his time anymore. I threw myself into work. sure, I had a make-out here and there, but no desire to get naked in front of anyone. I made myself a little bit more ugly every day- literally picking on my self and thinking thoughts like: you’ll be lovable when- your skin clears up, when you lose ten pounds, when you’re successful, when you have more money, when you have a nicer car, in an alternate reality, in a time that may never come and you might just waste your whole life waiting for it- but keep waiting. I’ll keep you posted me! i thought these things and way worse things about myself/for myself (and every so often, still do) every time I looked in the mirror. And when my scabs/pimples healed and hair grew back or god forbid I actually liked my body (which is way more rare than me hating it) i wouldn’t know how to feel. i was confused. it felt uncomfortable to feel OK with myself. (to be continued)

remember that guy i met on facebook i told you about? (part 3/the final krazy rant)

the closeness i had experienced, followed by a dude jumping on a plane and being aloof (aka: living his life) made me feel like a lil abandoned baby. but this was way way way more rooted in/all about my daddy issues, than the actual dude i slept with!

suddenly i was forced to feel stuff that i wouldn’t have felt, had i not had sex to begin with! maybe if it had been with someone who wanted to date me, and was sticking around, that would have been something else! but i set myself up to feel lonely. if the dude liked me and was sticking around- i would have just felt more powerful and my ego wouldn’t have been bruised cuz i would have been the one in charge of the ignoring/dismissal. hmm. something to think about. after all, i said i didn’t want anything more than a hook up (to him and to myself) god damn it! I’m much too smart for this bullshit. i actually give other people really good advice!

bottom line: i had sex with the dick pic guy. there was no love connection here whatsoever! so what the fuck was my problem? it was an epic night. and if i just looked at it for what it was, and left it at that, I’d be fine. but I’m not as tough as i thought. sex with someone you don’t like, someone you do like, and someone you love is all powerful. someone will always be affected. giving yourself away, even when you think you’re taking something you can handle in the moment, is not as easy as it seems… for me anyways.

if this experience can be used for anything, it will be to help me learn what i can and can’t handle in my life right now. i am too easily rattled. even if only for a few days… that’s a few days too many. the majority of the time, sex affects me. I’m sensitive. i feel stuff. things linger in my brain, and i over-think. nothing with me is light or casual when i let someone into my vadge-hole people. so don’t even try it!

i may not be a sweetly sad faced, overweight, African American girl, but i too am precious!

all i know is this; I’ve had sex with cold dudes who are blatantly emotionally unavailable and sex with guys who are still emotionally unavailable- but really good at making a girl feel cozy. and right now, i too am just as emotionally unavailable! but, ultimately, both make me feel more lonely AFTER the encounter than i felt before! regardless, i took my sexxxy times medicine and I’m prob good for another four months. but even AFTER that; no more casual sexxing for me! especially with trollers and dick pickers! yikes.

i have to be much more careful with myself. because even though my mind thinks I’m tough and it’s all good, i end up weaker in the end. depleted of energy. this also goes for me leading guys on, who i know i don’t like, just so i can feel wanted. it’s rude and thoughtless. sex is not casual. that being said: make-outs ARE! I might be sensitive and more grown up now… but I’m not dead!

this fling represented something bigger for me. it made me think about how different experiences can be; what i want, definitely do not want, and behavior of mine that I’d like to change. behavior that, up until a few days ago, i didn’t even realize i engaged in. in a perfect world, my future won’t involve men ever sending me a picture of their dick again. and certainly not with me sleeping with them- like a reward or something. but the sex was fun, and i don’t regret it. even the part when i found out he’s a blogger too, and him writing about me!

he’s not my future husband or anything. JUST a random encounter! but totally blog-worthy and a tool to be used for self reflection and growth.

i just realized why I’m boy crazy; I’m boy crazy because every time i see/meet a new dude- i have hope. hope because it’s another chance for me to find love. a love that’s unconditional and stronger than the love i never got from my father. wahhhhhhhhh!

how was i the last person to know this about myself? thank god it’s finally dawned on me. but i wonder how I’ll change now that I’ve realized this. i guess I’ll have to wait and see! xo

remember that guy i met on facebook i told you about? (part 2)

one thing led to another and before i knew it- we were rolling around naked, kissing… which yes, totally led to sex. but this was different. this wasn’t like the flings I’d had months before. i was having a sexy time rendezvous/fling with a cuddly guy. his mouth said ‘blah, blurg, sarcastic joke here, clumsy jab there!’ but his body said ‘love me, and i’ll love you’. was this how he was with every girl? what was his MO? who knows? who cares! this was epic! we tickled eachother, held eachother, took breaks to spoon, he told me about his parents, we talked about dreams (listen, i have dream boards/to do lists of my goals ALL OVER MY APARTMENT! sure they’re facing the wall, so no one can read them- but if i didn’t tell him, he would have just turned them around! i was at his mercy!)

i could see the little boy version of himself in his face. he didn’t seem evil at all. even if he was a crass, dick pic’ing dude.

we looked deep into each others eyes, pretended to sleep with our mouths open and pressed together, like silly little kids. if there was ever a way to have a fling- this was the way to do it! it was the best of both worlds: extreme emotional intimacy & tenderness MEETS casual cool & commitment free! two people sharing a moment and then moving on with their lives. holy shit, he really DID look like a young Richard Gere! maybe he was the real life American gigolo- circa NOW! he was giving me the full experience, that’s for DAMN sure!

it was loving sex! NOT the kind of sex where both people try to show off all the moves they’ve learned thus far. it was tender, not acrobatic (except for when he hoisted me onto the kitchen counter for a second). and as we looked into each-others eyes, i wanted to hug him as tight as i could so he’d feel love from another human being. i felt like he needed that or something. or maybe I was just projecting. but I’m pretty intuitive! looking up at him, i could have said ‘i love you’. i don’t and i didn’t, but it was that kind of moment. interspersed with talking about the past and the future and goals and relationships, etc. it didn’t feel cheap.

after, as we lay in bed together, i had the realization: even though i’m having such a nice time, and this has been such a great affair, i (still) do not want to be in a relationship with anyone (right now/at this point in my life) and I’m so happy to be single!

the night before, during our FIRST make-out, i had stopped kissing him and yelled: ‘thank god for facebook! this is exactly what i needed.’ and now,  post coital, i STILL  felt that way! no regrets, no impulse to cry, i didn’t feel more alone than ever. he put his arm around me, and i was fine.

we stayed up till 5am, fell asleep for a sec, woke up at 6am, and i called him a cab so he could get his bags from his hotel and go to the airport. he kissed me goodbye and left.

as the door closed behind him, thoughts like; ‘shit, that was epic! Geeze, like, um, wow, if he was gonna be in town for just a few days longer- i would have loved for us to show each other every sexual thing we’ve ever learned.’  and ‘we should just hole up in a Vegas hotel suite and have sex all weekend!’ went through my dopamine riddled brain.

later that day, i met up with my best male friend. we split a cupcake and traded sexual seduction stories. i was elated and exhausted. i saw my therapist the next day. i was still so happy. she said i was on a dopamine high. i asked her when the crash would be, but she just shrugged. well, thanks for nothing! not to worry, i would soon find out on my own.

as the days went by i realized i was more sensitive than i thought.

my emotional calender read like this:

WEDNESDAY- (day of dude’s departure) i was elated, beaming, and exhausted.

THURSDAY- i was satisfied and happy.

FRIDAY- i was bummed, borderline needy/obsessing. my eyes glued to my blackberry, and shocked that he wasn’t feeling the same way.  (dopamine crash! hollah!) at one point i even asked a whole foods employee in the wine section for help. he asked if i preferred red or white, but instead of a wine quesh, i asked him to decode the cryptic, nothing texts facebook guy had sent me. what? there’s no shame in my game! oh wait, i wrote that wrong; there was a lot of shame in my game that week. i had no game. it was not sexy. the wine dude agreed.

SATURDAY- i was over it. (but still telling anyone who would listen about my fling and post fling FEELINGS. gross – insert punch to my face here. )

SUNDAY- 98% of me was back on track, happy, and busy with other stuff! phew!  1% of me (my ego) was hoping he was thinking about me. and the other 1% was disappointed in myself for caring. i was better than that.

but this was deeper than logic, this was biology. this was what sex does/can do to a woman. shit!

i used to love drama and to feel stuff just for the sake of feeling! but this was too much. i was a mini emotional roller coaster. it was keeping me out of the present moment and unfocused. is this why boxers don’t have sexxx before a fight?

(to be continued)

remember that guy i met on facebook i told you about?

while we sat over coffee– he started telling me about a girl he’d hit on recently, back home in NYC. was he serious? did he not find me attractive? was this turning into a bro out sesh, because i thought it was a date. not one to hold back, i said ‘are you trying to sleep with me? because, if you are, why are you talking about another girl?’ he got flustered and smiled, said it was a while ago, trying to make it into a silly thing, brushing it under the rug. that was a close one! i really wanted to like him. or at least, for him not to blow it.

i was busy as fuck the next afternoon. running around town, appointments all over the place. but they were all just obstacles i had to get past… because i was most excited about seeing him again. I’d made a decision and i was OK with it: i was going to have sex with him! he was only in la for one more night. if i hadn’t wanted to, i would have just canceled that day. this was a specific choice on my end. i felt like i needed a fling, like medicine. and by ‘fling’, i mean ‘sex’. i was into it. it would be no strings attached! i didn’t hate him, and he was gorgeous! perfect! and all the hours we’d spent over the phone before we’d actually met, made it seem less yuck/sleazy. there was some time invested in this thing. he’d worked on me for a while! plus, i’d read his blog for the first time, the night before (after he told me about it/admitted his identity) and i was fascinated! this intrigued me and i had a million questions for him. finally, since meeting him, i felt like i could really relate to him now. more so than just being two strangers who met over facebook with mutual friends.

i bought candles at Larchmont beauty center, i drank tons of pineapple juice for WHATEVER reason, i wore eyeliner and tights. we didn’t have dinner plans. no. i didn’t want to eat in front of him, or gain weight from this experience! no! i wanted a cozy, sexy night. we made plans for him to come over at 8:45. i liked the controlled atmosphere of my house. like i was inviting him into my lair. as if we were kids hiding in a fort, except the fort wasn’t made out of two chairs and a blanket- it was a 1 bedroom with hardwood floors! my house was clean- I’d had it cleaned the Sunday a few days prior (for me, not him). he came over. i was trying to appear casual cool, on my computer, finishing up with some work. i didn’t want to put my responsibilities on the back burner, and i thought it would be super cute to pose on my bed, in front of my computer and say ‘this is what i look like when i facebook.’ so i did.

he told me to take my time, and wandered into my living room. oh no you don’t! i’d heard him say he likes to snoop around peoples houses. what if he stole something? that last part was a joke….  kind of. you never know. for years i had a fear that if i had a boy over at my house, he would pee on my toothbrush while he was in my bathroom. i had absolutely no proof of this whatsoever, but I’d throw away my tooth brush after each fling/visit, just in case. sometimes you just have to follow a hunch/trust your instincts!

i finished my work and hurried after him into the next room, giving him the mini tour of my living room. i wondered if my descriptions of the photos that hung on my wall sounded rote, or if he was even listening. i remembered him promising over the phone- months earlier- that if ever came over, he’d play my ‘sex and the city’ board game with me. i wasn’t gonna miss this chance! i never have anyone to play with!

it was cute, and sweet. we talked, joked while he set up the game. i liked that we didn’t just immediately start making out. we were like two human beings, just hanging out, playing the ‘sex and the city’ board game. neither of us ended up being very good, well that’s not true. i was a champ! maybe he was fibbing about having been a pro. I’ll never know. we played for like 8 minutes. i won. thank god.

he said ‘come here’. i put my hand in his. he pulled me towards him and kissed me.

(to be continued)