under the skirt, over the panties:

Ever since my first kiss, under the hidden stairs of a temple at one of my classmates bar mitzvahs, with a mouth full of braces and a crazy tongue circling technique- i learned something. something that hasn’t changed from then to know:
Boys will ALWAYS see how far they can take can go; how far they can take it, when it comes to sexy times.

it’s as though ALL thoughts/fear/acknowledgement of getting AIDS, herpes, warts, chlamydia, whatevs, goes out the window when their dick is involved. if they kiss you, they wanna suck on your boobs. if they get that, they wanna put their hands in your undies. if they finger you, they want to lick you. if you give them get a blow job, they want to cum in your mouth/on your face/in your eyeball; and for you to swallow like a champ! and if they know you’re gonna sexxx them, they want to fuck you WITHOUT a condom. they NEVER want to wear a condom! ‘it’s too tight’, ‘it’s too big’, ‘i can’t feel anything’, ‘it’s so annoying’, ‘i hate these fucking things’, ‘i’m clean i swear.’ wahhhhh!

it’s like going into battle;

it’s like wheeling and dealing at some flea market in Abu Dhabi (reference made in honor of sex and the city 2: coming soon, to a theatre near you muthah-fuckahz/ladies/my gay brothers!)

it’s like playing Russian roulette with an aids baby instead of a bullet!

it’s like sitting down without a lawyer in court, with a possible life sentence of…. like death.

you just have to make your case, make it good, and stand by it! so you don’t get a life sentence! all the while keeping your voice sexy and the mood light.

Nowadays you have to protect yourself while trying to get close to someone. it fucking sucks! It’s easy to start resenting a guy right away when sex is involved. what you let happen sexually is something you end up panicking over/worrying about- the next day, or even moments after. instead of ‘wow. we just connected in such a literal, beautiful, biblical way! yayzers!’ you think ‘i hope the condom didn’t break. he better not have lied about not having herpes. shit, he probably just doesn’t even know cuz he’s too lazy to get tested. if he was such a pro about getting in MY vadge without a condom, he must have experience talking OTHERS into being fucked sans condom!”

instead of thinking ‘i wonder if he’ll call me.’ you’re waiting for his TEXT three days later while sitting in the waiting room at your gyno’s office praying to god you’re not preggers, positive for syphilis, warts, etc.

All this worry even if he DID wear a condom AND pulled out before he came! you just NEVER know! THAT’S how scary it is nowadays! Sex is a liability, not a luxury! and abortions aren’t another form of birth control! they’re scary too! avoid those at all costs, if you can.

But as scary as fucking, and licking, and sexing, and sucking  is in 2010- love, sex, and hormones are STILL too powerful to say no to! now, then, and FOREVER! So i guess all we can do is just know what we’re getting ourselves into, not feel pressured or bullied, use condoms, birth control pills, spermicide, diaphragms, take preventative valtrex, get tested after every time we sexxx someone/blow someone/get eaten out by someone, and basically try our hardest not to end up soaked in a bucket load of aids infected cum.

good luck.

i love you.

lisa loeb and me:

i knew I was boycrazy, even years ago, while I was watching the Lisa loeb show. yeah, there was a Lisa loeb reality show and I fucking loved it! one episode, Lisa and her mom went to a french chocolate shop/cafe place, and their waiter was so cute, Lisa wondered if he was too young for her to ask on a date- or some shit like that. who knows exactly WHAT happened, i was too busy freaking out about the fact that i was watching the SEXIEST dude in the world plop down some chocolate cake in front of Lisa loeb on some reality show that we both would have been embarrassed to mention if we were on a date. holy shit this guy was gorge! is it NOT cool to masturbate to excess reality programming? too late/i hope not!

anyways, the waiter was a super hot babe- just to be clear! Dark hair, dreamy, and NOT french! perfect! he looked like a broke, dirtier, even more angsty, but with a bigger d*ck version of Robert Pattinson! and that’s saying a lot for me! cuz i already imagine Robert Pattinson has a HUGE private! if anyone knows him, send him my way. that could be an epic night! hotel, glass of wine, and a tawdry/torrid/sexy make-out etc.

anyways, back to my story: Now, keep in mind, the Lisa loeb reality show took place in NYC and I live in la. um, I’m not saying I went to ny JUST for the chocolate shop dude-but when I did end up in NY, I sure as hell made it a point to find that shop! endless googling of the words ‘Lisa loeb, chocolate, cafe’ ensued!

well, I found it! like a mother fucking champ!  the show did not make it easy, that’s for DAMN sure. no ‘thank you’s’ to ‘insert french cafe name here’ in the credits? what was that all about?! thanks for nothing assholes! even though the song ‘stay’ will forever be a solid and reliable karaoke jam for me and a million others.

when I cozied up at a table in the cafe, all by myself, (while my boyfriend at the time was at sound check) ordered a hot chocolate and waited, it all seemed worth the effort. i didn’t see him. hmm, no worries. I’m sure he was just making a tea, or organizing a plate of scones in the back or whatevs. i asked the ugly, boring waiters- who WERE there- if they knew who i was looking for. i sputtered out some retarded description; hoping that if he wasn’t there, it was ONLY because he was in Los Angeles looking for me! i held my breath for their answer.

and you know what? the dude wasn’t fucking there anymore! nope, he’d quit a few weeks prior! GOD DAMMIT! maybe i wasn’t the first visitor who’d come looking for him? well, i’d like to think i was the cutest! at least one thing was on my side… they told me he was straight! so at least if i did find him, he couldn’t use his sexuality as an excuse not to kiss me.

well, I tried. Had I REALLY wanted to find him, I could have asked the waiters and manager that WERE there for his phone number. But, I wasn’t CRAZY! and i wasn’t looking to cheat. I guess I just wanted a mission and to see if he was as cute in person as he was on my TV screen.

the guy you HAPPILY let cum inside you WITHOUT a condom:

I’d just gotten home after one of those nights where i did ONE thing that left me feeling like someone thought i was stupid, weird and/or dumb. I’d said something to some dude i thought was a dork, and wasn’t even attracted to, and now i couldn’t shake it. why did i even care what he thought of me? he played no part in my life. he had a girlfriend. i had a boyfriend. but now my whole world was caving in. the spiral had begun; regretting how i acted, what i said, wondering what he was thinking about me now, and how i could change his OBVIOUSLY ill opinion of me. he probably wasn’t even giving me a second thought. but let’s face it, he probably was. but hopefully not. whatever, he can shit talk/think I’m awkward and lame- all he wants! it just weeds out the people who aren’t meant to be in my life! yeah! sometimes i wish i didn’t internalize and analyze everything so much. sometimes I’m very happy i do. either way, i do. I’ve learned that the best way to get over my crazy spirals is to pretend it’s a week later- speeding up the inevitable, when i know I’ll have forgotten i ever even cared what some dude/person/people may or may not have been thinking of me.

that aside, i was using this stranger to distract myself from what was REALLY going on in my life: I’d done it again! I’d cast a spell on a boy and gotten caught up in the moment and not realized that my actions have consequences. that men have feelings too. and that my behavior, words, touch, gaze, and attention can have/has an affect on people. i was in too deep with a guy, and i wasn’t feeling ‘it’ anymore. at least not like i was. now i was left in a sticky situation, but i wasn’t ready to pull the plug, cuz i didn’t know exactly how i felt. it had gone from epic, to me freaking out, to casual. and it felt like the bubble burst and i should call it a day. but things aren’t black and white. i didn’t know what i wanted. i’d met a really great guy. there was nothing wrong with him, i just wasn’t sure if he was right for me. was my confusion enough of a sign to end it, or should i take some time to casually date him and get to know him before i ran ? the only thing was, this thing didn’t start out casual, it started out full throttle and my doubts were only setting in after ‘i love you’s’ were said and he’d asked to go steady or whatever you call being boyfriend and girlfriend. how did i get here? i wouldn’t go back in time and change a thing… i just didn’t know how to go forward.

so often i worry and act out when i don’t get the attention i want from every guy who comes my way. i don’t take the time to consider if i even like THEM! unless they’re a TOTAL dorky/ugly/pussy… THEN i don’t give a fuck! but I’d still have sexxx with a bizarre looking/interesting/successful dude! in a heartbeat! my friend Dallas thinks i have the worst taste in men cuz I’ve slept with fat, ugly, short, abnormally tall, sickly skinny, balding, and bald dudes. not all at the same time! don’t worry! I’ve only had one threesome, and it was with a girl and a guy who were both hipster/heroine chic. but that’s another story, for another time.

anyways, it takes all kinds. the point is, if i even have one- cuz i might not, is that i get caught up real quick. I’m in love with love. or at least infatuation. i can be a dreamy, whimsical person who can find a million different meanings in one look a boy gives me. (which can be unfortunate for the dude sometimes!) i have no problem and am happy to make extreme eye contact during sex. the deeper and more meaningful the experience can be, the better. the only problem is, as easily as i can throw myself all in, i can just as easily shut down- leaving a guy in the lurches. but isn’t that just called life? it’s not pretty and safe and wrapped up in a bow all the time! and don’t men act irresponsibly with women’s feelings all the time? I’d rather go full throttle, then press on the brakes if i decide to- instead of  treading safely and being careful from the get go.

but what was i even looking for? i wasn’t old enough or ready to get married,  or craving a boyfriend. I’ve never sought out having a boyfriend anyways. it always just ‘happens’. but i wanted the love. and for a minute, i felt it too. in fact; i was in and out of it. but then the seriousness of the situation set in: “boyfriend” “i love you’s”. i panicked and had to decide if i should break it off completely, or pull the pussy move by picking fights and being passive aggressive to make him break up with me. i had one foot in and one foot out. a part of me would think “god, the sex is great! he’s good-looking, but he’s not my normal type. but maybe that’s a good thing!?” even though, according to Dallas, i don’t even have a type. I’d vacillate between thinking we were too different and thinking we’re actually very similar. sometimes, I’d imagine myself in his arms, spooning and think “you know what, i could call it a day and call him the one for good!” i hope all girls can be this nutty, because i do NOT like feeling this way. and there’s SAFETY in numbers bitches!

did all this uncertainty mean he was the wrong guy for me? could he have been the right guy, but i was just too young and immature and preoccupied with the need to be alone and work? would i be the one missing out in the end? could i even trust my gut anymore, after all, i have a million ‘daddy’ issues. i didn’t know what to do! should i just stay away from guys, to save them from me and my behavior? wow, how self important am i? is it better to stay with someone if they’re a good person, attractive, and the sex is great – even if the initial crazy euphoria has died down so soon and you could also just as easily be alone? but what if the person is great and could make a lovely boyfriend you could learn from? does it always have to be under the condition of ‘forever’?

if the fireworks/mad crazy aspect of the relationship has died down and you know you’ve met too early on in your life and there’s no way they will be your final destination (which, to me, is a baby daddy). and yes, i know the ‘final destination’  isn’t always the man who fathers your child. but he will, most likely, be in your life forever- whether you split or not, cuz of the kid! so you better be as damn sure about him as you can be if/when you let him cum inside you without a condom.

if all that you’re left with is a nice guy you have sexual chemistry with, do you run and hold out for another “forever” prospect. or do you just hang out with someone and have a nice, fun time?

the thing is, I’ve been single and had sex with guys who don’t love me and it doesn’t feel good. but to be with someone who loves you when you’re in ‘single, all about me and my own personal responsibilities’ mode- feels shitty too! so what is the answer? I’m not wishy washy. I’m all in or nothing. so this makes loving and relationships more confusing. and usually when a girl is aloof with a guy and doesn’t give a fuck and it’s casual for HER/on her terms.. the dude falls in love.

but being grounded and loved by someone you like can be nice too!

i guess when it’s in sync, and the love is equal on both ends and sustains itself- you know you’ve found something bigger than logic, timing, rules, and being rational. you just make room for it in your life, cut the bullshit, stop analyzing, shut the fuck up- because you’re happy to do so and it feels super good and right. and even if you’re not gonna be with someone forever, isn’t it better to live under the spell that it ‘might’ last forever and be open to the possibility of that chance…. and end it if/when that dream is shattered, than stay with someone who you know in your bones you won’t be with when you’re old and gray? cuz then both parties are being kept from something else that could be epic.

it’s better to take the chance of losing someone, and being alone, then stay because it’s safe and they’re good for now/a warm body. that’s way more scary than being alone.

but, just like power shifts in a healthy relationship, do ‘love surges’ come and go as well? don’t moods shift as well? i wouldn’t wanna make any extreme decisions while I’m pms’ing… cuz  I’m a completely different person!

all these thoughts, but i still didn’t know what to do….

the monster asks you about love- please help:

THE MONSTER ASKS ABOUT LOVE: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

my phone makes me sick:

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holy fuck! when exactly did my phone become my lifeline?  My beacon of hope?! I stare at it. i cradle it in my hands. It’s a part of me. this has been slowly creeping up on me for like practically an eon! but I’m still shocked at how full on my dependency has become! if someone told me what I’m telling you, I’d say ‘yo, bro, for serious, you have way too much time on your hands. you’re obsessing. get a life. chill-ax. take it down a notch or twelve!’ But, I don’t have too much time on my hands. I have plenty to do. that’s the problem! my phone is my perfect excuse/distraction that keeps me from getting that stuff done! how confusing! it helps me AND it’s debilitating all at once! what the fuck?! Be careful! don’t let this happen to you.

I hear phantom beeps/text alerts/e-mail notifications! I thought I was better than this! i feel it vibrate in my back pocket even when i, for some stupid reason- that i should probably be murdered for, left it at home or in the car! what was i thinking? Please god- don’t let me get in a car accident because I can’t unglue my eyes from my phone, which is cradled in the drink holder, cuz I’m checking to see if the red light is flashing! this is sick! and i don’t even have a camera phone… yet!

it’s the first thing i look at in the morning and the last thing i look at before bed. I’ve even found myself waking up in the middle of the night to see if there’s a new alert! i charge it, back it up, clean it, turn it on and off. i might as well own a dog. i worry about it dying, falling, breaking.  it links to my face-book, my twitter! it’s my lifeline! with it, i never have to feel lonely. my portable loneliness eliminator. i take it out with me to dinner even. just us.

if I’m super needy or nervous when i’m out and about- i have the option to ‘pretend text’, in order to look cool! i said the option. i don’t actually do that, or feel the need to, but it’s nice to have the option! Jesus! it gives me directions and it is ruling my life.

i know I’m not alone in this crazy heroine like, obsessive addiction to my phone. PS/FYI-: it’s a blackberry, if you must know. and one of the only things that keeps me feeling like i have some modicum of control is that i refuse to bbm. please help me be strong, and remember who i am. grant me the power to overcome this war/battle of my own free will. i love you. xo

PS:

PLEASE CHECK THIS OUT! my best friend works closely with OXFAM and they are on the front line of crisis relief efforts, doing what is most important after medical care, shelter, water and sanitation. please help by making a donation! click HERE to make a donation and learn more. xo

we met on facebook (the final chapter):

Richard-Gere---American-Gigolo-Photograph-C10104686

we had sex, duh.

he went back to new york.

and life goes on!

xo

(i’ll save the details for a later date….)

we met on facebook (part 3):

gere-pretty-woman

(continued from the last post) he looked like Richard Gere circa American Gigolo! he was taller than me. he looked smart, clean! his outfit was simple: a jacket over a light grey sweater and jeans. i said hello and hugged him. he was cute! but before we could even start talking, some girl i hadn’t seen in forever came out of nowhere! ‘heeeey alexi..’ and would not shut the fuck up! i told her he (fb dude) had just flown in from NY and that i hadn’t seen him in forever (that was ALMOST the truth- minus the ‘for’ in forever. i couldn’t exactly say i was on a first date with a guy I’d never met before who had trolled me on the interweb and sent me a picture of his privates. actually, that seems like something i WOULD say. but hindsight is 20/20, and i can’t go back in time now!), i mentioned to the annoying monster vadge blocker- that i was starving, being rude to my date, had to go, should cut the conversation short, even feigning that i might possibly faint from hunger/low blood sugar, that my stomach was now eating itself, and that i was on the verge of suicide. but she just kept talking about herself. was she for real? what a monster! she’s worse than me! at least i know when to fucking make my exit. but tall, handsome ‘fb dude’ seemed so calm; just standing there, listening to this annoying jerk go on and on! i was borderline annoyed by his patience. didn’t everyone know i was in make-out mode! i wanted to get it started! i wanted to look at him and give him a proper ‘hello’ hug! one that wouldn’t be interrupted! she was ruining EVERYTHING! finally, she shut the fuck up, and we said our goodbyes. phew!

the truth was, i wasn’t even hungry, i had eaten a lean cuisine before i got there. i didn’t want to take the chance of being low blood sugar and not at my best to charm him. plus, i wasn’t ready to be eating in front of the dude. this was a COFFEE date! i ordered a soy latte (they were out of rice milk. sad face.) he paid. already, this was going sooo great! he laughed and had money ready before i could even reach for my wallet. he said ‘i got it, i got it! of course. i know what you like.’ or something along those lines. this was lovely! i was beaming! yeah, I’m that easy! all it takes is paying for my coffee. that’s not exactly true, he was also taller than me and a babe REMEMBER! woo hoo! i hoped he didn’t think i was ugly. i told him he was handsome and all he said was thank you. wtf? instead of internalizing that, and keeping my self conscious thoughts to myself like a semi sane person, i said ‘listen, I’m not fishing for compliments but i just said you were handsome, like, twice! and all you said was thank you. does that mean you think I’m a horrible monster?’ he just remained calm, collected, and said something like: I’m not gonna compliment you just because you tell me to. i’ll compliment you when i compliment you. to me this was harsh, but it also made sense, and i just needed to chill the fuck out and remember who i was. i am not a monster. i am not a monster. he obviously thinks I’m cute, he’s here. and i don’t need to put all my self worth into this guys hands. i was really nervous. i was spazzing out. i hoped the encounter was still cute, funny, and charming- not him witnessing me having a crazy meltdown!

he ate a cookie. i sat there watching him; bits of cookie flying everywhere as he spoke- like the cookie monster. i mentioned it. i needed anything to use for conversation. plus, i felt the need to give him shit. as if he responded well to being fucked with/made fun of. god, i really needed to have sex. we had both put in our time, via facebook and telephone. we were each-others sexual investment. and these two days would be a mutual withdrawal. that was possibly the dumbest sentence i have ever written in my entire life. i just want you to know that i know that! i was so glad he was a babe, with nice hands, and skin. it may have been glowing even! i asked to inspect his right hand. i don’t know if it was because my mom recently told me about how she’s attracted to a man with nice hands- and i was subconsciously affected- but holding his hand in mine, i thought it was beautiful. big, soft, and delicate- but not manicured, which is great.. cuz he’s a dude! geeze, when did this blog turn into some supermarket romance novel? today mutha-fuckahs!

i liked his skin, how it felt. our conversation didn’t really make any sense. i didn’t know what i wanted to say, ask him, or if we even had anything in common other than fb. i was like an item on his ‘to do’ list or something: have sex with the la based boycrazy blogger. we exchanged discombobulated banter. we were all over the place. i always feel like the pressure’s on me though. like if something’s going badly, I’m the one being judged. but i mainly think this when the guy is really cute. i think i was in shock. you know that weird feeling when someone is actually real and in front of you?! he wasn’t a voice over a phone line, or words on a computer screen anymore. the dude was real and sitting right in front of me! i couldn’t process this fast enough.  i was sarcastic and trying to seem calm- while simultaniously telling him i was freaking out and how weird this all was for me. i have no filter. i wear my feelings/heart/thoughts on my sleeve and in my facial expressions. i say everything I’m thinking, even when i shouldn’t.  i gave him shit about the dick pic thing. asking if he was embarrassed. he pretended to be regretful, but i knew he was faking. i knew he didn’t give a fuck about having sent it. i hoped my hand didn’t shake while i took a sip of my latte. this was all so random! this whole experience. i should have taken a beta blocker or something to calm my nerves, but that would have bit a bit extremo!

he went to the mens room to powder his nose, and while he was gone- i checked my phone/texted my best girlfriend about my date and that i was crazy nervous (fyi- i only checked my phone when he couldn’t see me. texting in front of a date is totally rude! the lowest of the low. a deal breaker.) i noticed i had received a text as well. it was from another sexy dude from NYC who was visiting la, and in town that night only. Jesus, when it rains it pours. well, i might be boycrazy, but i don’t double book. i’m a lady! plus, the dude i was on a date with was way too cute to cut the date short/try to squeeze in ANOTHER date. no thank you. i’ve done that once in my life, years ago, and it’s way too hectic. i also think it de-values the experience of each individual date. we all need time to reflect and decompress after a date/romantical adventure. i turned my phone off and put it away. fb dude came back.

it was freezing out, but i knew we had to get out of there. we were too still. sitting there. stagnant. in front of eachother. we needed to get this show on the road. i wanted to walk with him, so we got up and walked around the block. my make out ploy! it was freezing out! i was in a sweater AND jacket, and i was still cold. i linked arms with him and looked down at my feet and back up at him as we walked. i loved that he was taller than me. we walked around to the back parking lot and stood by my car. yikes, we were gonna kiss… but it didn’t even seem romantic yet. he seemed so whatevs about me. was he even nervous? i wonder how i seemed. on the surface we were acting like kids, picking on eachother- but the subtext was: ‘we’re gonna sexxxy time! we’ve been waiting a while for this! today is the day! wheee! ahhh! omg- squared (x) infinity!’

i looked up at him and touched his hair. i was close to him now and ready/wanted to kiss him. i think i even asked if i could. did i? he kissed me. we leaned against my car, then moved the make-out into my car. great! all i needed was for all the busboys and cashiers at m cafe to watch me have a torrid make-out in my car. i didn’t really care about the pinkberry staff that shared the parking lot as well. they played absolutely no part in my life. making out, i finally felt calm. what does that say about me? (slut whore? shut your mouth! i just like to kiss. it’s quiet and calming!) we kept up the ‘slightly uncomfortable/clunky, make-out in a car’ vibe for as long as we could before one of us said: ‘what are we gonna do?’ so, we drove to his hotel and i valeted my car.

the drive to the hotel/break between the makeout portion of the date threw me off, i was on the verge of getting nervous again. we went upstairs. he made jokes about his room not being on a high enough floor for me. we were such bullshit banter buddies. we must have so much to prove. he kissed me again. now we were laying in his hotel bed. it was amazers, fun, exciting, a bit awkward. what was he thinking during his moments of silence? something? anything? he held me. i tried to match his silence- but then i burst out and yelled: ‘do you know how hard it is for me NOT to speak!’

fooling around, it got to that point where you either have to stop or have sex. i told him ‘i’m not going to have sex with you tonight.’ he asked why. ‘because, i want to see you tomorrow’ i said.  he told me: ‘i’d still see you tomorrow if we had sex tonight.’ i smiled, and didn’t say what i was thinking, which was: ‘yes, but, i wouldn’t want to see YOU if we had sex tonight.’ we continued to make out, cuddle, and spoon. he reached for his phone. i couldn’t believe it! i told him that if he actually texted someone during our make-out rendezvous, i would freak the fuck out. so rude! he looked at me, both of us topless, and said ‘i have to tell you something. don’t be mad! i promise, it’s not about an std or another girl, or anything like that.’ i was panicked. he was scaring me! he was looking for something on his phone! wtf? he handed me his phone and i sat up to look at whatever it was that he was tyring to show me. e-mails on his blackberry? huh? it was an email from me? so what? I’d emailed him before. wait, when was this email sent? not that long ago. but i hadn’t emailed ‘fb dude’ recently. and it was addressed to….holy shit… it was my email exchange with ‘the faceless blogger’! ‘fb dude’ WAS the faceless blogger! they were the same person! I’d been had!

he looked at me with concern. he seemed worried. omg, i couldn’t believe this! i had no idea! now, I’m sure you guys all saw this coming from a mile away, in my set up of this story- but i didn’t, cuz i was living it. this was like ‘you’ve got mail’ or something! and i was meg ryan and he was tom hanks! i wasn’t mad at all. did i feel tricked? no! i thought it was cool and romantic and crazy! i didn’t care. this only made the story better. epic even! for the first time during this entire date sesh…. i was happy, and i liked him. this was officially exciting. this was noteworthy. it added to the story of my life!

i had to leave. i said i had to wake up early… even though i didn’t. my face was a post make-out red/worn off makeup disaster! ‘don’t look at me!’ was the mantra that echoed in my head. i hate how other people can be used as mirrors. all my ‘crazy’ comes up when another person is in front of me to reflect how i feel about myself. forcing me to look at myself/hear all the annoying voices in my head: self consciousness and a fear of being judged. but this always happens when i think a boy is cute and we’ve just met. it’s worse when I’m totally calm and feel nothing. that means the dude will never see my boobs. (well, he’ll probably never see my boobs.) I’m sure there’s a happy medium out there, for someone! even if i never attain it! anywayzies. i told him to pay for my valet, because it’s the right thing to do, and he did. we kissed while waiting for my car to be brought around. he made sure to tell me that he was giving me a pda (public display of affection)! wow, thanks a lot dude, i should be sooo grateful! he wanted me to take him to his company’s party that he had blown off to be with me (i think he made the right choice)! i dropped him off, hoping he would keep our night sacred and not troll for other girls/makeout/etc. at least i wasn’t waiving my other nyc potential date in front of HIM! but, i don’t own the dude, and i’d have gone back to meet up with my friends too? yeah, i would, since it was a work party AND i was in from outta town. we’d had a fun night. this didn’t have to negate that. he told me he wanted to see me the next day, go to dinner. i said ok. we kissed goodbye, and he got out of my car.

i sped home! what just happened? i texted the other nyc dude and said: sorry, i was with a friend. maybe another time. (i didn’t appreciate the short notice anywayzies). when i got home. i could not sleep! i went to fb dude/the faceless blogger’s website and read every single entry. i read about his awkward dates, coming onto girls, coming of age stories, the dichotomy of what guys/he wants in a girl/love, mens perception of the differences between 19 year old girls and 31 year old girls. and instead of being jealous, angry, or thinking he was a misogynist asshole, who was confused and immature- i appreciated his honesty! plus, i liked his writing. i liked that he was honest about being girl-crazy, needing to experience single-ness to the max-/get it out of his system, had feelings, was sentimental, was emotional, needed to be loved by everyone (while at the same time, not loving in return or wanting to commit at all), and admitted it! he was obviously self aware and searching! searching for what matters, what’s real, and what he wants as far as love, sex, fucking, and relationships are concerned. and that’s ok. and yes, the dude reminded me of ME!

he clearly liked girls with dark hair and pale skin, check. i saw something in him. i saw myself in him. he was shallow, emotional, looking to be loved, harsh, insecure, and also very masculine/macho, needed tons of validation, out to bang chicks, but live in a romantic comedy and get married one day. i hoped he wasn’t too mean. i saw his blatant ageism and harsh judgemental side. but, i knew that all his observatons/weighing the pros and cons and dissecting women- would all go out the window the minute he fell in love (i’m not saying with me, but with whoever). cuz being hit over the head with love outweighs all the ‘logic/listmaking/picture perfect alone’ criteria. it’s an invisible bubble that hovers over the two people in love. it can’t be explained. youth, beauty, and lots of options are awesome! but that combined with finding someone you can talk to, who inspires you, that you love, who loves YOU, and makes you laugh- is the dream. someone that you feel cozy with.

but everyone can feel all these different things all at once. maybe not all the time, but some times. they just don’t talk about it. i have a million different opinions in one day. i stare at young sexy boys i wanna make-out with, and the minute they open their mouth, i wanna run. sometimes i make-out with them first and then run. i think about how i don’t want to be tied down and how much i love being single, but the minute it gets cold out, i want a boy who ‘gets’ me/knows me/loves me- to cuddle with. (i should invent a delivery service- but i think that would make me a madam.) the point is: everyone can be a complete contradiction. we’re all just figuring it out. hopefully not hurting anyone’s feelings along the way.

reading his site made me think about how people might percieve me. just because i have this ‘boycrazy’ blog doesn’t mean i’m some skanky skag, who fucks every dude she meets (just SOME of them- the cutest and/or the coolest, i swear!). i’m not incapable of love. not at all! i’m actually very sensitive and in some ways might be more of a hopeless romantic than MOST because i’ve made it my job to put a microscope on people/boys & girls; asking them about love, dating, sex, relationships, social dynamics, turn ons, turn offs, hopes, dreams, ideals, etc. writing about it all and analyzing all my thoughts and feeling while I search for what/who makes me happy!

i saw myself in ‘fb dude/the faceless bloggger’. i could relate to him! now my mind was reeling! thank god! this was way more of a turn on than good looks alone. suddenly i had a million things i wanted to ask/say to him- nothing like when i was sitting in front of him only hours earlier at the cafe! i couldn’t wait to see him! i hoped i would remember everything in my brain! i wasn’t sure if i should tell him i read EVERY entry of HIS blog, but i’d wait and see how i felt. i took a bath, got into bed, and went to sleep….. happily awaiting our second date! (to be continued)

we met on facebook (part 2):

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(continued) the days passed. we spoke and texted less and less. one night while he was writing on my wall- my facebook wall, not my vaginal walls- his friend joined in on the wall postings. the comments were too harsh for me. they weren’t funny and i was feeling sensitive. i was pms’ing and over it. did i have a crush on someone in la? maybe. ‘fb dude’ called me and i told him i was annoyed. that i didn’t wanna talk. i wasn’t in the mood. who was this guy? ugh, i didn’t even know him. and now he and his friend were teaming up on me on facebook? i didn’t feel safe. he was suddenly an enemy, not an ally. looking back, i was feeling particularly sensitive that night. but that was that, i kinda forgot about the whole thing, and never called him back.

months after our last phone call, ‘fb dude’ texted me saying he’d be in la in a couple weeks for 2 days. he asked me to pick a day to go out on a coffee date. i picked the first of the two days.. just in case he was gorgeous. i continued on with my life. i remembered him telling me that he LOVED hair on a girls privates during one of our late night calls, so i got waxed, knowing i would be grown out by the time he came to town. he wasn’t priority number one, but he was in the back of my mind: ‘oh, yay! if nothing’s going on, at least i have a date early next month.’

i was dating and focused on work. i went to a laker game, dinner parties, was spending time with my girlfriends. one of them told me about some faceless male blogger- who’s blog reminded her of mine. i checked it out. but there were so many pics of some hipster ‘it girl’ dj, i decided against reading it. i was probably just annoyed that the obsessive photos weren’t of me. i can be such a narcissist fuck. so, i emailed him:

me: who are you? the male me? i wanna see a pic. i won’t tell a soul. xo, alexi

him: Just so you know I’m not that easy. One e-mail from a pretty girl is not enough to have me uploading pics.

me: ok. people keep telling me about your blog because they say it reminds them of mine. however, it’s not really that similar. especially since i don’t hide my identity. didn’t we already write on fb? or am i totally wrong? maybe you’re not even a boy. holy shit, the interweb is crazers. i’ll leave you alone now. best, alexi

him: It’s actually been really hard being anonymous because so many channels of promotion were not open to me. I will be honest, your blog was one of the reasons I started, dudes really don’t have anything like it, most of the men that blog about women are so fucking douchey, I just wanted to tell stories about new york and have fun with it.

me: well, thank you. i’m glad i inspired you. : )

me (3 days later): one more thing…. are you a goodlooking, tall (6 feet or over), single boy babe? (he didn’t respond.)

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two weeks later, ‘fb dude’ arrived in la!

in the days that led up to his arrival- i had been inundated with work and was WAY more excited about watching bad tv/being cozy at home/spending more time with my family, friends, and myself– whenever i had any down time, than i was about meeting lackluster dudes and prowling. it wasn’t worth the energy.

(even though, let’s face it, my eyes are ALWAYS OPEN when it comes to cute boys; at the supermarket, cafes, while driving- to the point of borderline driving into walls or off a cliff, even maybe!)

I’d only had sex once in the last four months. and now, i needed it like medicine! in the daytime, i was fine. but when it got dark and cold out (and, lately,  it was getting darker earlier and more cold than usual) i felt in need of a cuddle/makeout/sexxxy time rendezvous. but i had no crush on anyone! no one on my radar. and i didn’t want it to be an empty experience. i wanted it to be fun and cozy. with someone who actually values me, and likes me as a person.

my best male friend would tell me to just ‘rub one out’ and go to sleep. he’s a charmer. he actually IS a charmer, but i prefer the term ‘touch myself’. anyways, not being sexxed in four months was leaving me feeling not cute/de-swagger-fied.

but, the day my ‘fb dude’ got to la, i had just started to feel better! that particular day was hectic and i was happy! i had castings, hit on some 19 and 23 year old boys, my best girlfriend and i went shopping/bro’d out like champions, and I’d even had a business meeting over hot chocolates and coffee at the chateau marmont! this way to fancy town! what more did i need?

now i was dreading the date. i was confused. how did this dude fit into my life? he didn’t! i didn’t want to be nervous and anxious about being judged by a dude who’s only ever seen pictures of me on the interweb; who i might not even like; sit with him judging whether my photos were a misrepresentation of me; i didn’t want to be a let down. fuck. i didn’t need more stress in my life! i’m just a person! a person! this was supposed to be fun! i had just gotten over a cold, i was sleepy faced. yikes. i hoped he didn’t think i was an ugly/fat/wrinkled/monster/with bad skin . i hated that i cared, because ultimately it didn’t matter what this guy thought of me. i think i’m great! (are you noticing i have a tendency to over-think, cuz i do. i know! you’re welcome. ahh!)

i was meeting ‘fb dude’ at 8:45 at m cafe and i was running a few minutes late. i showed up at 8:50. i entered from the back, walked into the ladies room to look at myself in the mirror, DUH! it’s THE THING to do, and fluffed my hair! i walked out of the ladies, down the corridor, and there he was… and he was fucking GORGEOUS. (to be continued)


we met on facebook (part 1):

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I’ll call him ‘fb dude’. he had requested my friendship on facebook months before. he lived in new york. his default pic was nice. somehow, probably by asking, i found out he was 6’2. he was trolling me and i love attention. we had mutual friends, (did i mention he was tall and good-looking?), so it was fine! friendship accepted! hollah! i asked one of our mutual friends if ‘fb dude’ was a jerky murderer or something, and he said no. alright! i could be excited! we would write on fb, text, and even have long phone call conversations. this was new for me. i’d never let a random facebook request escalate to phone calls! sometimes he texted me during the day and checked up on me. it’s always nice to get a text. even if it DID just stem from boredom and the new texting obsession that’s been going around/sweeping the nation. give a text, get a text!

one night he had to talk me down off a ledge (figuratively) about a guy i had a crush on. what was ‘fb dude’? a friend? a romance? what he was was a lonliness eliminator or at least an alleviator. i guess i was the same for him. he was probably JUST putting in the time, effort, work to sexxx me if we ever ended up in the same town at the same time. but the conversations went on a bit too long. putting in time could have been done in smaller intervals. maybe he should rework his game? did he just like my blog? was he a facebook predator pro?  he seemed very alive on the web. i should talk. I’m basically fb spam- trying to get people to read my b l o g. what was his excuse? i guess this is how it is now. modern men in modern times troll the web. one thing that concerned me was how late he stayed up every night. it seemed like he went to bed at 7am every night/day. but he filled that attention void i needed.

he was a self proclaimed ex-‘wigger‘. i don’t like even WRITING that word, because it’s linked to the ‘n’ word- but that’s what he referred to himself as. this ‘wigger’esque dialect came out here and there over the phone. i thought it was sexy and random. very different for me. what was i doing on the phone with this dude? but it was kinda nice having some faceless set of ears to talk to. talk about whatevs. practice being witty. practice fast paced, flirty banter.

it was getting late one night during one of these phone calls, when he offered to send me a ‘dick pic’. wtf?! i had never even heard of this phrase! was this some new thing? did all the kids know about dick pic’ing except me? i said “no! gross! do not send me a pic of your dick. that will kill everything! whatever this ‘thing’ is- will be extinguished. ugh.” it took about 20 minutes for me to say “okay, send it.” and he did! holy shit! i can’t believe this dude sent me a pic of his dick! he asked me to send him some sort of pic back! yeah right! what a pro this dude was! but i’m not fucking retarded! no way!

the next day, i felt it was my duty to tell as many girlfriends of mine who would listen about my new-found dick pic knowledge. i showed them the pic which was now stored in my phone (calm down, it was just his privates, no pic of his face attached and i didn’t say his name! I’m not evil. i would never do that!) i even passed my phone around at a dinner party to everyone’s shock, horror, jubilee, and dismal fascination. what can i say? dicks look weird. but so do vagina’s. this isn’t a competition. so let’s just call a spade a spade. back to the dick pic: it was too ‘this’ for some, too ‘that’ for others. my dude friends just shrugged when i showed them. i’m pretty sure i showed everyone i ran into, including people i didn’t know but wanted to meet – JUST so i could show them. it was fun! i’m GLAD ‘fb dude’ sent it to me. i told him i showed it to people at a dinner party and he wasn’t even mad. he was actually a smart dude who had some good insight into things, gave good advice about relationships, and happened to send the occasional picture of his dick. yikes. (to be continued)

years ago….. (part 3):

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(continued from the LAST post)

Turns out, now that it’s 2009 (and apparently for the past 3 years or so- thanks a lot for not telling me, old doc!) there’s a better technique to see if there’s a recurrence of cancer. A technique that doesn’t require you to go on a very restrictive 2 week diet ahead of time. It’s an ultrasound. Well, about 2 weeks ago, I saw this new doc, got an order for an ultrasound, and even though I’d just been given another clean bill of health from a body scan I did about a month ago under the LAST endocrinologists care- I decided to cover my ass and double check; so I got the ultrasound.

The doctor called a few days later. He told me my thyroid levels were good (since I no longer have a thyroid, I take a thyroid replacement EVERYDAY- btw: finding the right level for your body is a process. You and your doc figure out what levels are working through trial and error. Sometimes you’re out of breath walking up the stairs- dose is too low. Sometimes you’re feeling frantic and can’t stop sweating- dose is too high. And finally, you work out the dosage so you’re just right! Like Goldilocks!), he told me my blood-work, iron levels, etc all looked good. BUT they found abnormal lymph nodes.

Wtf! Are you fucking kidding me! This again?! After about 5 years (more if I include the years of drainings and biopsies before they ever even found abnormal cells) of body scans, diets, and blood-work! I’ve always just referred to it as a hassle. I’ve made the cancer stuff I’ve dealt with ‘a hassle’. But now, I’m panicked. I don’t want this hassle in my life anymore!!! I don’t need to slow down and look at my life. I know what I want! I know what I’m grateful for. And I don’t want this!

Today I’m getting the abnormal lymph nodes biopsied. It’s a fine needle biopsy. They stick a long thin needle in my neck and draw fluid, cells. After that I wait. I wait for the lab to look at what they took. I wait for the doctor to call me and tell me if I have cancer again. And if I do, I have to go under the knife again. And if it’s nothing I will be relieved. So please, think good thoughts for me and light a candle or 10. I love you. i love you. i love you. Xo



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