dear forever 21,

what happened dude? I thought we had a deal. you’re supposed to manufacture great designer knock offs with a good fit, at way affordable prices! That was our little secret! We had a pact. It was deep for me!  i THOUGHT it was deep for you too! I believed in us! I would have loved you forever! but there is nothing inside you anymore! Everything inside you looks cheap, flimsy, redundant, and not at all modern. vulgar even! At first glance you look perfect, overflowing with possibility and hope! but it’s just a facade. i just wanted you to make me feel beautiful! like a woman wrapped up in a bow, empowered and ready to face the world! supported by the confidence you give me when you wrap yourself around my body! but I have no interest in anything you have to offer! How can you harbor sooo many clothes, yet nothing fits me right and I don’t want any of it? you really let us down. But like a sucker who’s tasted the magical fruit of our love in the beginning, you and I both know I’ll be back for more- if only just to check in, see how you are, if you’ve changed, and if I’m sill interested. Xo

By: boycrazy on September 3, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, forever 21, imboycrazy, rants, thoughts and stories
19 Comments »

hey girl heeeyyyy! the break up list continues! i know break ups are hard, but you MUST handle your shit and take control of your life! you can’t just fall to pieces! do not let your heart drop into the pit of your stomach! keep moving, and keep busy! the minute you stop, you might collapse, so just keep going forward:

DUH! GO SHOPPING!

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT PICK AT YOUR FACE!

DO NOT CHECK HIS FACEBOOK/TWITTER PAGE/OR BLOG EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR!

BREATHE! STOP WONDERING WHEN, AND WITH WHO HE’S GONNA MAKE-OUT WITH OR SEXX FIRST! DON’T LET HIS ACTIONS DEFINE YOUR ACTIONS. ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. AND WHEN YOU’RE READY/WANT TO FOOL AROUND WITH SOMEONE NEW- DO IT! BUT DON’T TRY TO PROVE A POINT TO HIM.

YOU CAN’T BE MAD IF HE KISSES/SEXXXES SOMEONE NEW. HE’S NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE.

(HOLY FUCK. THAT LAST ONE WAS EVEN TOO MUCH FOR ME, AND I’M WRITING THIS LIST! YUCK. JUST THE THOUGHT MAKES ME WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND DIE/FUCK EVERYONE AS I RIP HIS HEART OUT FOR MAKING ME DO IT- CUZ HE DID IT FIRST AND I WANT TO SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HIS ACTIONS HURT ME. EVEN THOUGH HE’S NOT MINE/NOT MY LITTLE BEAR CUB ANYMORE! ANYWAYZIES, BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING ABOUT STAYING POSITIVE:)

NO! DON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS! DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY?

DON’T WASTE TOO MUCH TIME RE-HASHING WHAT HAPPENED, WITH EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO CALLS AND SAYS ‘WHAT HAPPENED?’ IT’S OK FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF DAYS. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT’S EATING INTO TIME THAT COULD BE SPENT MUCH MORE PRODUCTIVELY!

HAVE POWER MEETINGS- ALL DAY, EVERYDAY! WOOOO!

WATCH BRIDGET JONES DIARY AND THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA! CUZ YOU CAN!

MAKE-OUT WITH VINCENT GALLO!

WITHOUT KNOWING HOW OR WHY, ASSUME YOU’LL BE ATTENDING THE ACADAMY AWARDS NEXT YEAR- AND LIVE YOUR LIFE ACCORDINGLY! TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY, MAINTAIN YOUR BEAUTY, AND TREAT YOURSELF LIKE THE PRINCESS YOU ARE! NO YOU!

MOISTURIZE EVERY BIT OF YOUR BODY BEFORE BED! ESPECIALLY YOUR BOOBS EVEN!

DON’T GET LAZY AND FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH/FLOSS!

DO YOUR LAUNDRY FOR GOD’S SAKE!

GO OUT DANCING WITH YOUR RE-INSTATED GIRLFRIENDS. BUT DON’T HAVE SEX WITH SOME RANDOM DUDE YOU MEET AT THE CLUB! IT’S OK IF A GUY CORNERS YOU FOR A MAKE-OUT THOUGH. I MEAN, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT IF HE’S  WAY PERSUASIVE AND A BABE!

ORGANIZE YOUR CLOSET YOU SCOUNDRAL!

HANG OUT WITH NATE AT FAMILY BOOKSTORE!

SELL THE SHIT YOU DON’T NEED/WANT ANYMORE- AND WHATEVER THEY WON’T BUY, DONATE TO GOODWILL! YOUR BREAK-UP IS SAVING LIVES!

SEE MOVIES ALONE AT THE ARCLIGHT!

GO TO THE 101 CAFE BY YOURSELF AFTER THE MOVIE AND PEOPLE WATCH! IF YOU SEE A HOT BABE, AND I MEAN UUBER HOT, SEND HIM A PEICE OF CAKE AND WAVE!

WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL! GET IT ALL OUT BITCH!….. ON PAPER… GROSS!

TAKE EPIC WALKS AROUND THE CITY!

GO ON LONG DRIVES!

LISTEN TO OLDIES! BUT NO MIX CD’S HE MADE FOR YOU!

DO KARAOKE WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS!

GET YOUR HAIR DONE DID!

LOOK GREAT WHEN YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE TO PICK UP THE REST OF YOUR STUUFF. EVEN THOUGH, TECHNICALLY, HE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT IT ALL TO YOU. BUT, LET’S FACE IT, HAVING AN EXCUSE TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN IS PRETTY EXCITING! AM I RIGHT?!

HAVE BREAKFAST AT A FANCY HOTEL! FOR EXAMPLE: SIT AT THE COUNTER AT THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL COFFEE SHOP!

DO NOT SLEEP WITH ANY/ALL OF YOUR EX’S FRIENDS! IT’S NOT COOL. NOT COOL AT ALL. UNLESS HE DID IT TO YOU. THEN GO FOR IT. AN EYE FOR AN EYE! EVEN IF IT MIGHT MAKE THE WORLD BLIND!

did i mention i love you? cuz i do! xoxo

PS: click HERE for ANOTHER reminder of why it’s better to be single than with the wrong person. xo

By: boycrazy on September 2, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, break ups, imboycrazy, rants, the break up list, vincent gallo
19 Comments »

it’s a new day! (yayzers, crazers, amazers!) and it doesn’t have to look as bleak as yesterday. YESTERDAY, i said my tearful goodbye to my now ex- and NOW i have to keep as busy as possible;  so i don’t slow down enough to even have a chance to regret breaking up, miss him, or feel the loss in general. it’s funny though, nothing has really changed, we’re both in the same town- but just knowing that the ties are cut makes me feel a little unsettled/uneasy. like i don’t have a place. like there’s no one to tell about my day, no one to protect me, or hold me. but allow me to slap myself in the fucking face and snap the fuck out of it! let’s get positive! (as i pause and stare at the computer screen with nothing in me to write). jk, jk!

here’s a breakup guide to remind us of what to do when we’re starting over and mourning the death of something:

GET YOUR NAILS DONE SOME WACKY KUH-RAZY COLOR YOU NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED! HOLLAH! MUTHAH FUCKAH!

TYPE IN ALL CAPS LIKE YOU DON’T GIVE A FIZZ-UCK!

WRITE THE BOOK YOU SAY YOU WANNA WRITE/ WRITE THAT SCRIPT (AND NOT AT A COFFEE SHOP, YOU ‘NEW TO HOLLYWOOD’ LAME-HEAD!) YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT!

LOOK GOOD EVERYDAY! (YOU NEVER KNOW IF AND WHEN THE EX WILL DROP BY. OR WHO ELSE YOU COULD RUN INTO!)

ONLY WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA- YOU BIG CRY BABY!

KEEP A GAME FACE! AND MY ‘GAME’ I DON’T MEAN UGLY! KEEP IT CALM, COOL, COLLECTED!

FLIRT!

STOP TELLING EVERYONE YOU JUST BROKE UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND ON SATURDAY, I MEAN, WHENEVER!

DO NOT BINGE EAT!

DON’T GET BITTER, GET BETTER!

TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS! REMEMBER THEM? THEY’RE THE ONES YOU’VE BEEN PUSHING TO THE WAYSIDE WHILE YOU WERE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! DON’T WORRY, I’M SURE THEY’LL BE HAPPY TO CONSOLE YOU- ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE A TRUE FRIEND, WHO’S GONE THROUGH IT TOO!

KEEP SHAVING YOUR LEGS! THIS ISN’T THE TIME TO BECOME A DIRTY HIPPY!

STAY POSITIVE! I ALREADY SAID THAT!

GO TO THE GYM AND RUN AT LEAST 3 MILES- EVERYDAY!

WHEN RUNNING, WEAR 3 SPORTS BRAS! DON’T LET THOSE TITS SAG GIRLIES! YOU’RE SINGLE NOW- WE GOTTA TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES!

WAX THAT VADGE! NOT FULLY, FALL IS UPON US. JUST KEEP IT TIDY. HOW ABOUT: RETRO ON TOP. A NEAT AND KEMPT TRIANGLE. (NO LANDING STRIP BULLSHIT!)- AND SLICK LIKE A BABY ON THE BOTTOM! YOU’RE WELCOME!

GO TO THE OLYMPIC SPA, OR ANY SPA WHERE YOU CAN STEAM AND SAUNA!

WEAR FACIAL MASKS! (NOT OUT IN PUBLIC, YOU’RE NOT A MIME!)

TAKE YOURSELF OUT TO DINNER IN LAUREL CANYON!

GO TO THE CANYON COUNTRY STORE, GET A LATTE, AND SIT OUTSIDE!

BURN SAGE- IN YOUR HOME AND IN YOUR CAR!

WATCH REALLY BAD/GREAT TV! I LOVE: THE RACHEL ZOE PROJECT, CONAN O’BRIEN, FLIPPING OUT, TALK SOUP, PROJECT RUNWAY, OLD SCHOOL BH 90210, AND REAL HOUSEWIVES…OF ANYWHERE!

DON’T GET DRUNK! THE ALCOHAL WILL BLOAT YOU AND IS A DEPRESSANT! WE’RE TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD HERE, REMEMBER?!

SINCE YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED IN ANYONE, CUZ YOU JUST GOT OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP, USE YOUR ALOOF NATURE TO REEL IN THE BABES- TAKE THEIR NUMBER; AND WHEN YOU’RE READY, YOU’LL CALL.

GO ON HIKES.

BUY CONDOMS! AND DON’T BE AFRAID TO TELL THE FIRST NEW GUY YOU SLEEP WITH THAT HE NEEDS TO GET TESTED BEFORE YOU DO IT. IT’S THE TIMES WE LIVE IN. IT JUST IS! YOU HAVE TO DO IT TOO THOUGH, AND THEN YOU TWO CAN SWAP RESULTS! 2009=SEXXXXXY TIMES! RIIIIIGHT?! WHEEEEEE!

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT IN A DUDE!

FIGURE OUT WHAT PROBLEMS YOU HAVE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON!

TAKE BUBBLE/EPSOM SALT BATHS!

FOCUS ON WORK!

REMEMBER, YOU WANTED TO BREAK UP! TRUST THAT THIS DECISION IS FOR THE BEST.

HAVE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS IT WILL BRING.

MAKE YOUR HOUSE NICE! OH NO, IKEA COULD DRUDGE UP SAD EX BF MEMORIES! WALK THROUGH IT MY SISTER! BE BRAVE BITCH!

PAY YOUR RENT!

INVITE YOUR FRIENDS AND INTERNS OVER!

MEET NEW PEOPLE!

JUMP ON THE BACK OF A CUTE GUYS VESPA!

DON’T DO DRUGS! NO REALLY, DON’T.

STAY FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX! WISH HIM WELL, AND THINK GOOD THOUGHTS! JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN’T WORK OUT, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO HATE EACHOTHER!

WATCH: SEX AND THE CITY (EPISODES & OR THE MOVIE)/MOONSTRUCK/VALLEY GIRL/DAZED AND CONFUSED.

GO HORSEBACK RDING!

TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!

DON’T SMOKE. THAT’S PROBABLY WHY HE DUMPED YOU!

MASTURBATE TOO MUCH! FANTASIZE ABOUT YOUR CAREER TAKING OFF, YOU’RE DREAMS COMING TRUE, OR JUST YOUR DREAM DUDE IN GENERAL!

START USING THE WORD ‘HUNK’. EXAMPLE: ‘THAT GUY’S A HUNK!’ GOING TOO FAR WOULD BE: ‘THAT HUNK’S A HUNK!’ EDIT YOURSELF.

DON’T EDIT YOURSELF. UNLESS YOU’RE SUPER BORING, AND LIKE TO TALK A LOT. THEN SOME INTERNAL EDITING MIGHT BE HELPFUL IN MAKING YOU MORE LIKABLE.

READ IMBOYCRAZY.COM – THAT BITCH IS FUCKED UP!

i love you! xoxo

http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/55841/02%20Boy%20Crazy.mp3

By: boycrazy on September 1, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, break ups, imboycrazy, rants, the break up list
19 Comments »

i kinda don’t know what to write. me. i can usually rant about anything. but I’m shocked. i was dating someone for about a year and two months, someone who mattered to me. it wasn’t a perfect fit (even though he loved me and i loved him) and so we decided to stop seeing eachother. his behavior pushed me away, and my behavior DEFINITLY pushed him away. i take responsibility. i had a feeling we were gonna break up. it was looming, but for some reason, i didn’t think it was gonna end over the phone while he was in Santa Monica and i was in Hollywood. he didn’t want to see me in person.

it’s been a couple of days now. we still haven’t seen eachother. after a year and two months, i think ending it face to face would have been the decent thing to do. i know this is hard for both of us, but i would have preferred a proper goodbye;  looking eachother in the eyes, recognizing the fact that we mattered to one another, that this wasn’t a dream, and that our relationship really happened. but, he refused and snapped at me when i brought this up. it’s fine. it has to be, he won’t budge. at least it gives me more evidence of why we shouldn’t be together.

i wish you well Mr. i learned a lot.  tell your family i love them, even if that last bit of advice from your mom was bad. i just wanted some respect- a dignified goodbye/parting of ways. I’m gonna assume you shut down because you don’t know how to deal with the emotions you’re having. this is a bummer, but i AM glad we met. i wish you well, and I’m a better person because of the time we spent together. xo, me

update: he came over today. we said goodbye face to face, had a chat, and i think we’re actually gonna be friends. he’s a great guy. and i totally don’t hate him. xo

By: boycrazy on August 31, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, break ups, imboycrazy, photo by mike piscitelli, rants, thoughts and stories
12 Comments »

i wondered how young black dudes and dudettes felt about being a twenty something nowadays and dealing with racial tension, especially in the indie/American apparel/hipster social scene. black girls who like white dudes, white girls who like black dudes. what are the underlined feelings and issues that arise? when will this heavy feeling go away? and how come someone can refer to me as ‘white’ and it’s no big deal, but if you refer to someone as ‘black’, you take the chance of them being offended? why is that taken in a negative way? the worst part about it, is that it’s a case by case scenario. so, since there are no rules, you never know who you’re going to offend.

my heritage is Russian and German. but i was born in America. but you don’t refer to me as ‘Russian american’. so, why do we have to say ‘african american’? i was told it’s because all black people originate from Africa and that they didn’t leave because they wanted to- that they were taken as slaves and by calling them ‘African american’ it acknowledges this. it’s a matter of respect. but how politically correct do we need to be nowadays? what’s the general consensus? teach me what i should do. none of this is written in a hateful way. all of this is meant in a loving, trying to figure it all out kinda way.

and ‘white’ people have to stop being afraid to use the word ‘black’. do you, or anyone you know, ever do that avoidance dance by saying ANYTHING else they can to describe what someone looks like, without saying the word ‘black’? and when they finally DO (because ‘black’ is the ONLY descriptive word left that can be used in a situation because there happen to be two dudes who are tall, wearing a blue sweater, jeans, and are brunette at the party) they say ’(full voice) he’s the (whisper) ‘black’ (full voice again) guy.’ this has got to stop! I’m sorry, i don’t have any negative connotation with the word black, and i don’t have any negative connotation with the word white. they are just descriptive terms. how i JUDGE people is by their actions, personality, and attitude towards me. this is on a person to person basis.

here’s an e-mail from a black girl who reads my blog. i told her i wanted to write a piece on contemporary racism and reverse racism that exists in indie culture between young people nowadays. it’s epic and says it all:

“Actually I think if you wrote about racism as honestly as you possibly could that would be fantastic, especially since it is still unfortunately prominent today. For me and my sister it kinda blows because my mom has always taught us just to like, be carefree and love who you want and all that and try to treat everyone the way you want to be treated and whatever zen mantra you could think of, mind you my mom had me at a young age and was a total club kid so we were raised a bit differently which I am so thankful for!!!

Alot of young black kids are all about thug life and that’s fine, but not all black people are like that! I feel like I am constantly judged by white people AND black people and it truly pisses me off and here is why: I get judged by older white people, which isn’t right but understandable because they grew up in the fifties or whatever and their moms and dads were racists, so I get it- but it makes me sad. I think I am pretty awesome and for Christ’s sake I’m not going to rob anyone so don’t look all weird at me when you see me. Also, the black people have an issue with me because they say i ‘sound white’ and the clothing i wear and the music i like. they don’t understand- so they think I’m white. i mean, my grandparents and aunts even say ‘oh, she’s kinda different’ and they are my own fucking family!! Are you serious!? My sister is the same way, but she is more of a tomboy, she into like, i dunno death metal (whatever, it’s her world) but we share the same issues as a whole.

I have a lot of white girlfriends and alot of black girlfriends, but they don’t hang out together. it’s like I have to like jay-z with one group and Uffie with the other group, soooo annoying! So I end up hanging out by myself. That can be dangerous in a good or bad way. But, while I’m on the topic, me being black sometimes gets in the way of trying to find a new mate. like I said, the boys on your site are what I’m into- but I like all guys; black, white, Spanish, Italian, whatevs. It’s just hard because if I see a guy I like, my first thought is ‘oh boy, is he even down with the ‘ebony persuasion’ or am I wasting my time?’ The first white guy I dated, I was head over heels for. he was very intriguing and was in a band and just like sooo gorge! Super pale skin tone reddish brownish hair and a lot of tattoos and he was so sweet to me and I was super into him. He introduced me to his friends and at first they were sweet to my face but I could tell they were giving him a look like ‘is she Spanish or is she black or what?’ His brother also felt compelled to listen to rap or r&b around me, which wasn’t bad, but it felt forced- like that’s all we could relate to or that’s all I listened to or something, which was very weird because he knew I liked a lot of other things.

Eventually me and the hot redhead just remained friends, but it sucks that it’s hard for a girl like me to find a guy like me and not have race be an issue. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m black. I’m proud of it! but damn! I am sure I’d have to work twice as hard to get the guys you interview (other than Rickey Kim) because of my skin tone. I’m 5’8 and I weigh 120lbs, so I know it’s not because I’m a fat ass and I haven’t been beaten with an ugly stick (at least I think not) so what the fuck?! Okay wow this email got very long winded but um if you want me to elaborate more or if you have a specific question about this topic or anything else feel free to ask! I have a terribly bad habit of rambling… Keep up the great work!!

ps: I just wanted to say that tonight I went out with my white friends and the white guy I liked- my white friend got with!! He looked at me and realized I wasn’t spanish and totally blew me off!! Put that as an example is your race post!!! I have a case of the sads!!! Sorry alexi for emailing you wayy late, just wanted to let you know.”

By: boycrazy on August 25, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, imboycrazy, racism, rants, thoughts and stories
40 Comments »

hi. my name is Alexi Wasser. i don’t know if you know this, but i am white. i’m practically see through. I’m not a ghost haunting you, or following you down the street. I’m just a person. a really pale person. Conan O’Brien could be my father. I’d prefer it if he was my husband, but he’s married and my crush on him is another post all together. the other day, while i was walking around my neighborhood, i stopped in a shop and happened to know the guy who worked there. he was not white, he was not black, he was not Asian. he was something else. I’m not sure what his ethnicity was exactly, so i won’t try to label him. he was a babe, but so far, that’s not ethnicity exclusive. he was talking to an Asian guy. a video of two dudes wrestling or skate boarding or something played on the TV screen, mounted to the wall above us. the shop dude wanted to show me a vimeo video on his laptop.

while i was watching the video, a black dude walked in. the black dude asked the shop dude who the guy on the TV screen was. the shop dude replied “i don’t know. some Asian dude.” he said this in a completely non sarcastic, straightforward way. and even though i was watching the vimeo, because I’m not deaf, i shivered. this could go either way. the shop dude had set up a perfect scenario for someone to be offended. isn’t there a difference between using the words Asian, white, black, Latino, etc to describe what someone looks like in a crowd- and using them in a racist manner? this was no time for logic. i was already feeling guilty and i hadn’t done anything wrong. I’m not even sure if the shop guy had done anything wrong. all i know is that by describing someone by their ethnicity alone, he was setting himself up for trouble.

i was right. the black dude said “oh, he’s an Asian dude?” he lifted the Asian dudes shirt up and said “Is that you? you’re Asian. you must be the same guy on the TV screen. he’s just some Asian dude.” holy shit. the shop guy had triggered some gnarly shit that was weighing quite heavily in the black dudes soul and because of all my white guilt, i wanted to hug the black guy and say “I’m so sorry. he didn’t mean it. i love black people. people are not ONLY their race. duh?! I’m sure the shop guy didn’t mean any harm!” but i didn’t. i tried to mind my own business. this wasn’t about me. this was about the black dude and shop dude. but mainly the black dude was projecting all his internal issues with a group of three young people in a shop that hadn’t done anything wrong.. really.

well, at least i tried to mind my own business – that is, until the black dude pointed at his white gf/wife whatever she was, who was at the other end of the store shopping with their kids, looked at me and shouted “Are you two related?!” i was shocked. wtf? i was watching a fucking vimeo. i looked up, looked the black dude in the eye, and looked at his white gf/wife and said “huh?” he repeated himself “i said, are you related to her? you two look the same!” i stood there, dumbfounded. my worst nightmare was coming true. i was straight up being accused of being racist. and i hadn’t even said anything remotely stupid and cavalier like the shop dude had. how did i get dragged into this? i should have just laughed, but my white guilt and need to be liked took over. so instead, i said “are you asking me if we’re related because we’re both white?” the black guy nodded. that’s when i knew i should/could have taken the high road and been an adult. but I’m Alexi, i don’t know how to do that most of the time… unless I’m being paid. than i can be totally logical and rational. at a crossroads of ways to respond, i finally picked a road and shouted “i am NOT racist! i’m not racist! what did i do? what did i do?” it was like bad middle school theatre.

the black dude yelled to everyone in the store (including his family, which i thought was super inapro-pro) “i guess all all mother-fuckin’ ni**ers look the same! fuckin’ bullshit!” holy shit! he said the ‘n’ word. hard ‘r’ and everything. i was shocked. i couldn’t handle it. i told the shop dude goodbye and left immediately. for some reason, i still had the urge to win over this crazy dude- but i kept walking and blew off some steam at urban outfitters.

what was i feeling? a multitude of things. i realized, i live my life constantly worried that black people think i’m racist. and this day made me confront that. i suffer from reverse racism. i can walk down the street and not smile at a single white, Asian, Latino person that crosses my path, but the minute i see a black person, i feel the need to exude warmth and smile so they know that i am NOT  racist. why do i do this? I’m pretty sure it’s because my dad is 22% racist. not in an ‘i want to kill black people/ ku-klux- klan’ kinda way, just the occasional insulting joke. which to me is pretty fucking fucked up enough. i also always got the impression that he wouldn’t want me to date or marry a black dude. i had black friends growing up and he had friendships with black people and has taken amazing photos of Martin Luther king, etc. but, it was just this underlined ‘thing’ i felt was being taught and instilled in me. it didn’t stick and, instead, it made me not like my dad. which makes me sad. his behavior made me not like him. i don’t speak to my dad anymore, for a number of reasons. he made gay jokes too, just as much as he made comments about black people and cultural stereotypes.

all that aside- now, i have this whole reverse racism thing happening, and i’d like to find a happy medium and lose the guilt. once i even paid a house cleaner (who just happened to be black), even though she didn’t do a goddamn thing and I caught her sitting on my futon eating chips, watching TV when I got home. And not only did I pay her, I over tipped the shit out of her. That is an example of white guilt. how does this help ANYONE?  i am not racist. i like people. if you are nice to me and we get along, great. if we don’t, we don’t. it isn’t based on what your skin color is. I’ve been talking to a lot of my black friends (yeah i have black friends), and we’ve been discussing the struggles of racism that exist even now in 2009- and more specifically the problems that arise in this bizarro hipster culture that my target demographic exists in. after the shop encounter, one of my white friends said, “earth to Alexi, some black people just don’t like white people.” i was shocked. “what? why? how could they hate ME? what did i do?” i mean, of course i understand why black people would hate white people. i obviously understand that, which is why i feel so guilty and am so eager to please.

other things I’d like to get off my chest and get over- which stem from my being super white, is that i feel embarrassed listening to Lil Wayne in my car with the windows rolled down, because i think it just looks too retarded. but that’s a whole other post. i don’t think of Lil Wayne as ‘black music’ exclusively for black people. i listen to jazz and oldies and Motown and can have the windows down. i think the lil Wayne thing just has to do with the lifestyle he paints and how everything i look like, down to the car i drive has no place in that life style. i drive a scion, have a leggo haircut, and am so white i could be dead. me listening to gangsta rap looks ridiculous. i hope we can all agree on that. i will forever remain the white dude from office space when it comes to listening to rap. but i love Lil Wayne. he’s such a great lyricist…. and his voice makes me wanna sexxx. (to be continued)

By: boycrazy on August 24, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, imboycrazy, racism, rants, thoughts and stories
41 Comments »

Sometimes i love men. a lot of times i love men. oh fuck it, even when they’re MEAN to me- I’m STILL intrigued! I’m boycrazy remember? but here’s a specific example of something i love that men do. not all men, but a lot of men-maybe even MOST men do this: they get shit done. yes, women do too. Jesus, calm the fuck down. but the thing I’m talking about is when completing a task turns into some life or death mission that only they can solve without asking anyone for help. (it sound like I’m talking about that age old cliche of a man not wanting to ask for directions. and i guess this is a version of that, but shut the fuck up, i’m on a power rant!) it’s like they have something to prove. like they almost go kuh-razy mental over it. like they’re in a trance. fixated on the goal. it means too much to stop and not WIN! whether it’s making a girl cum, fixing a car, or building something! a man gets his mind set on something and he MUST prove that he can do it and he WON’T stop till it’s done. between you and me, I’LL probably just burst into tears and leave my baby (if and when i ever have one) on the side of the road if i get confused on how the diaper changing process works. but that’s just me. I’m sensitive, moody, and let’s face it- hard stuff is hard.

so why are men like this? I’m sure there are a lot of bad things that go hand in hand with this kind of  behavior. ego/pride/machismo/not being able to admit defeat/anger/rage, blah blah blah, i don’t give a fuck! you know why? cuz the end result is that the task at hand gets done… even if everything else is ignored and put on the back burner- like eating, sex, watching a TV show, or being paid. for example; tonight i was feeling all annoyed and aggravated “boo hoo me! my website is all topsy turvey and fucked up and jumbled! wahhhh! my banner ads are down! how are people supposed to buy stuff from American Apparel if not from my b l o g?!” when low and behold, i got an e-mail from a web guru saint here on our very own planet earth who offered his services to me! NO WAY! YES WAY!

for some reason, i felt like i could trust him… so i called! we had mutual (super cool) friends, so giving him my secret pass codes didn’t seem too wildly crazy. and for OVER an hour we stayed on the phone while he was DETERMINED to fix my site! it was better than phone sex!  he was re-installing my plug ins, and adjusting the length of my banner ads! it doesn’t get any sexier than that! did i mention he was in another state, where it was about 2 hours later? well, i just did! PLUS, he had a WAY foxy voice that kept me from getting all bored with computer talk! PLUS, he could talk AND type at the same time, like a robot alien! quite frankly, his wizardly know how/capability to get shit done was a fucking turn on!

my site is now fixed, and you know what that warrants? a mother fucking tribute post! a tribute to a man taking care of business, getting shit done, and keeping my tears from hitting the floor! this is a lesson to men in general: when you get shit done and you make a woman’s life better/ easier…. whatever! WHEN YOU ARE A FACILITATOR OF DREAMS, and she feels like a damsel in distress being RESCUED (the BEING RESCUED part is the most important! don’t just let/make her feel like a damsel in distress you jerk! what’s the matter with you?) she’ll be the happiest and most fulfilled girl you can imagine. so stop wasting your time working on your manorexia and looking for the perfect plaid shirt (even though i do advocate the wearing of a simple plaid button down) and learn something that separates you from the rest. learn how to make a woman feel like a woman.

ps: thank you philip! you’re my hero!

pps: thank you addison! thank you joe digital!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

By: boycrazy on August 10, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, imboycrazy, philip cox, rants, thoughts and stories
8 Comments »

the other day someone wrote a comment about my post: sometimes it’s ok to be a loser-

“You never really define what “winning” is; what the go-getter is trying to GET. It’s this horrible Beckett tragedy that you’re stuck in, a delusional bubble of waiting. Is there any point in the future where you will sit down on on an expensive couch and say “GOT IT!” or “WON!”? I mean, what the hell are you talking about? You’re inserting people who mildly annoy you into this hitleresque philosophy. You, of all people, wouldn’t be able to exist if people didn’t wash your dishes and fix your car. And instead of respecting the work they do, you see it as failure creating vacant space for your flimsy success.”

thank you so much. after reading this… it made me look at myself and ask if i’m ever really happy; if i could stop my continuous ‘want’ and ‘work mode’ and actually enjoy everything i have. my work, writing, my apt, my friends, my body, the people i love. and that’s when i realized: i am truly happy. i can look at myself in the mirror and say ‘i’m proud of myself’. i’m happy. nothing is REALLY wrong in my life. and once i acknowledged that, i quickly moved onto the next task at hand.. which was my daily process of checking off to do’s on a list… a list that will probably never end, because there is sooo much to do. a list that is constantly refilled. you see, the post i wrote wasn’t about hating people who do menial labor, or winning, or not respecting people who don’t share the same goals that i do- not at all. the post was a wake up call to people who have absolutely NO idea what they want to do with their lives and to people who do NOTHING instead of trying… anything! people who don’t take the time to stop partying and sleeping in till 2pm to figure out what they COULD be… what contribution they could make to the world. people who are too lazy, or too high to try being someone that they’re too afraid to be; someone they think they could never be- and so they don’t even try.

i don’t look at a bag boy at the grocery store and want to spit on him or punch him in the face…. i just hope he’s passionate about something in his life. for all i know, he’s the happiest bag boy ever- taking pride in bagging those groceries! as long as he’s happy and trying to be the best person he can be, that’s AWESOME! the post was MORE about telling people who try to CHANGE people who don’t want to be changed…to cut it the fuck out. unfortunately i’m not following my own advice… because i was trying to be inspiring by telling people to get off their fucking asses and when that doesn’t happen… telling the friend who’s trying to help them off their ass to stop WAITING and wasting THEIR time.. and move on, so that they can continue ‘doing’. whatever it is they ‘do’. the point is, go get whatever you want, as long as you’re being a go-getter.

it’s not about ‘waiting’, it’s about doing. i’m NOT waiting for anything. i’m doing. you can’t wait for your life to happen, for dreams to come true… you have to be pro-active. you’re the only one living your life, so don’t let people who stand still 24/7 hold you back and weigh you down. that’s why like minded people flock together: the do-ers and the lazy-mongers! and i’m not saying the do-ers cant go to bars and dance and be lazy sometimes and have fun too – when did i say that? i didn’t! if that makes me sound like hitler… well, i have no witty retort.. because i don’t want to be referred to as hitler in any way shape or form, cuz hitler was a bad dude. feel free to compare me to the dude from bravo’s hit television show ‘flipping out’ cuz he’s crazy… but he gets shit done, he does it REALLY well, and i love him.

my mom was a waitress, a single mom, worked her ass off to take care of me, AND was pursuing her creative passion at the same time! …. meanwhile her long-haired boyfriend’s (where my girls at?! you know what i’m talking about- those long-hairs will seduce us EVERYTIME!) asked her for money, while they smoked pot on the couch. these ‘long haired dudes’  are what i mean when i use the word ‘loser’. my mom, ‘the waitress’, (who, btw, broke up with said ‘losers’ the SECOND they held out one lazy grubby hand asking for cash AND told them to fuck off ) is a go getting, hard working, inspiration! so don’t you fucking dare tell me i look down on people who wash the dishes and fix my car. cuz i’ll look down on the rich asshole who has no sense of direction and the world at his feet before i would EVER disrespect a bus boy, waitress, dude who works at McDonald’s, or mechanic.

BUT, thank you for your inspired, heated comment. it helped me take the time to check in with myself- to see if i’ve ‘won’ (whatever winning is), or ‘got it’ (whatever ‘it’ is). i can breathe (for a second) and actually value my life.  THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M GONNA GET LAZY, but it’s nice to know i’m happy so i can carry that around in my pocket with me while i try to accomplish more of my list. (what’s on it is between me and my list.. but it’s totally not flimsy.) i hope you guys are happy too.  if not, we’ll work on it together. i promise. i love you. xo

ps: nyc prep is SO TOTALLY the new WAY better HILLS! i’m starting to kinda like jessie. i respect her work ethic and her protective nature towards pc (who is SUCH a babe! i can’t wait for him to come out!) i just think jessie needs to be less angry. i wonder if she would like me. i’m guessing no. probably cuz i’m an outsider. her loss. i hope pc and the dancer girl with the speech impediment become best friends. she’s so supportive of his rumored bisexuality! she needs to start speaking with more force though! her low talking ways and nervous laughter after every sentence make me anxious. xo

By: boycrazy on July 29, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, bravo, imboycrazy, nyc prep, rants, thoughts and stories
30 Comments »

hey, monster face: JUST brushing your teeth is NOT enough. how about you stop picking at your face? shave your legs while your at it too! and don’t put me off my food, please! It’s bad enough homeless people wander by/walk past while I’m eating, OR a baby cries, OR I can see the colostomy bag hanging to the side of a handicapped dudes wheel chair while I eat: NOW I have to look at YOUR previously puss filled zit, turned oozing open gash sore on your face, cuz you popped it and tried to core/scoop out a chunk of your face last night? have some self control! oh gross! now it’s all crusted over! yuck! you are sick! I paid good money for my food, jerk!

Fyi: people can see you. you are not invisible. Just because you have low self esteem and you think no one cares, although you’re right about the not caring part- they CAN see you and are affected. AND it’s a bummer. you’re totally not helping lift world spirit! And if you’re not with us, you’re against us.

Do your part to breathe HOPE into the world, EVEN if it’s ONLY aesthetically. think of yourself as a Christmas tree or a prostitute. Either/or and decorate yourself accordingly so you look SOMEWHAT presentable. Thanks. Xo

By: boycrazy on July 28, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, imboycrazy, rants
8 Comments »

I’ve been in a really weird mood these past few days. I’m angry and frustrated most of the time. Why, I don’t know. This morning I woke up in a puddle of my own blood and thought ‘well, at least I’m not pregnant anymore.’ But, as I fully woke up, I realized I was never pregnant. I was just having my period. I was still laying in a puddle of my own blood though. Thank god I learned that hydrogen peroxide trick.

Does the more blood you bleed during your period, mean the crazier you’re gonna act? I hope so, cuz that would explain a lot. And I need an explanation. Because I’m not happy. I’m constantly tired, and for the first time in my life, can’t get the happiness and validation I crave- from a guy. which is making me hate the guy. am i only now noticing something I’ve already gone through, but never put my attention on? this is repeated behavior.

Shopping didn’t make it better, an epic walk didn’t make it better, a boy saying ‘I love u’ didn’t make it better, a trip to the therapist didn’t make it better, (old episodes of the ORIGINAL Beverly hills 90210 KINDA made it better). I need this to be hormones. Please let it be hormones. And if that’s all it is, it’s scary to think how angry, mean and out of control I can be just cuz I’m having my period.

I’ve been really up and down with a guy I’m dating. I want to feel something, so I’m trying to fight with him. But I feel nothing. I’m bored. I have my attention on other things. life and work etc. And I’m confused as to whether I’m bored with him or if the relationship is calm and should be left alone while I tend to the real stuff that’s making me excited/and inspired/and overwhelmed/etc, which-right now- is work. It’s like, I don’t want to admit tha I might not be that into the relationship RIGHT NOW, or that i’m pre-occupied with thoughts and panic and work, so I try to start a fight and pin it on him. that way, there’s a REASON we can’t hang out or be happy together. I am a monster. I make up reasons to fight with the guys I date. I make up fake scenarios in my head that I actually believe. I live in a dream world and blame the guy for stuff – even if he’s done NOTHING wrong. Just out of habit. Just to feel something, anything- to shake myself up. and/or to push him away. (on a side note- this is how i used to break up with dudes, cuz i was too much of a pussy to end it properly and confront the situation.) I don’t know how to stop. Because after I do that, I can’t shake the guilt and the shame I have of my bad behavior. I don’t like how I feel around the guy, even after the drama’s subsided, because I’ll never believe he’s forgiven me.

Unless I wake up and take responsibility for my behavior and stop sleep walking through life and falling into easy habits- I will repeat this over and over again and bring this behavior into the next relationship and the next. But habits are hard to break. I don’t know about you, but I exist in two parts: The logical, rational part and the crazy/baby/infant/trouble making/insecure/monster/mess part. I can even be BOTH at the SAME time during an argument with a boyfriend. Telling him that I’m about to say things I don’t mean, that are fucked up, and that I can’t stop myself.

I do all of this push and pull fighting bullshit so that the guy is forced to prove his love for me on a day to day basis. To reassure me over and over. This is so unfair to him. and eventually, he will run- to protect himself from me. And I don’t blame him. and yet, I still feel angry and unfulfilled- as if it’s all his fault. Maybe I should just stop dating seriously. Or maybe I should grow the fuck up and bite my tongue and force myself to have A LOT of self control. To show some restraint. In my case, a lot of restraint. I really want to be better. I’m going to try. I just don’t know if I can trust myself… especially on mornings when I wake up in a puddle of my own blood.

ps: if anyone wants me to break up with their boyfriend via a letter on my blog or maybe a video, I’ll totally do that for you. I’m in a strange mood, and this offer won’t be on the table forever. i love you.

By: boycrazy on July 10, 2009
Tags: alexi wasser, imboycrazy, rants, thoughts and stories
22 Comments »