GUEST POST: “When Things Get Weird” By Amanda Leigh

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When Things Get Weird

By Amanda Leigh

I hate dating. I hate the word hate even more. I’m at the point where if you don’t knock my socks off, I’d rather stay home and not spend the hour plus getting ready that it takes to go out with you.

I’m an independent woman. I know who I am. I have a full, vibrant life. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. Plus I have a dog to cuddle with and a great vibrator. So to knock my socks off at this point isn’t easy.

I met a man online recently who excited me enough to curl my hair and leave the house in make-up to meet him. We spoke on the phone for 4 hours straight 2 days in a row before meeting face to face. When I saw his beautiful big blue eyes in real time there was an instant spark.

We didn’t leave each other’s side for 3 weeks straight. We talked about our life goals, dreams, and we even talked about getting a place together. Everything lined up. We decided to be exclusive and agreed that this was something special.

I thought I had met the Ice-T to my Coco. My friends thought I was crazy. We’ve all heard the stories. Two people meet when they’re least expecting it and boom! They’re together for life. It could happen to anyone. And I thought it was happening to me.

He didn’t fit the pattern of the emotionally unavailable, douchey turd bags I’ve dated in the past. First of all, he was a full-blown, no-holds-barred gainfully employed tech nerd with no spray tan and no metrosexual tendencies. He grew up on a farm in the Midwest and didn’t relate to the absurdity of Hollywood. Secondly, he was single and not married pretending to be single. And thirdly, he was straightforward, kind, generous, loving, chivalrous, and funny. He insisted on open, honest communication. He was even tall. Finding a tall employed man with values in Los Angeles is like finding a unicorn.

Things were going great. I had a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye. Friends were happy that I was finally getting some good D from a nice guy with a good heart. I introduced him to my dog and she literally followed him into the shower and licked the tub when he got out. Then one day, out of the blue, things got weird.

I hate it when things get weird. But sadly, I’m also used to it. That moment when you don’t know what is about to happen but you know it will make you cry. Or feel sad. Or lose what you’ve been enjoying so much. A nauseous fearful feeling takes over your body. That moment when you know you are about to get really hurt by someone else. Yep. It was about to happen to me.

Suddenly, he seemed less interested, impatient, and distant.  He stopped replying to text messages right away, stopped taking the initiative to call me, and his tone of voice changed when we spoke on the phone. Because I don’t like unspoken weirdness, I asked him what was up. He assured me everything was fine on his end.

A couple of days after I noticed this change in his energy, he dropped a bomb in my morning orange juice. He said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that our exclusivity is off the table. Why? Because I need to focus on work and you’re a  distraction from it.  I really didn’t want to cry so I held it in. Um, yeah that’s so dumb to even try to do and it doesn’t work. It actually makes crying worse because rather than drizzling tears you actually burst and pour. And that’s what I did. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought I could balance everything. Blah blah blah…

Ohhhkkkkk….

Men consistently say they don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings but they do it in ways that seem so ridiculous, uncaring, and avoidable. Many men project that having a relationship is a bad thing – that all women are a hassle or take up too much time because they have been in relationships with unhealthy women in the past. It’s not fair to those of us who are healthy, self-sufficient, independent, creative, and understanding. I’m not your ex-girlfriend or your ex-wife. My intention in partnership is to both thrive and be more successful together than we are apart. Not to weigh anyone down. Myself included.

How does someone go from full speed ahead to a screeching halt like that? If he had told me in the beginning that he isn’t looking for a relationship I would not have gone out with him.

My hunch is that he is avoiding the exact thing he actually wants and needs with some strange excuse about work and about his inability to focus.

There’s no perfect time for anything in life. If you want something badly enough and are capable of embracing it, you will make it happen and balance your responsibilities regardless of obstacles. Clearly, he didn’t want to make the effort.

I’m moving on. Quickly. I’ve already spoken with two ex-boyfriends who told me it’s his loss. And Doin Me is on replay in my car. I’m back to the dating grind. I already cancelled a date with a guy who sent me a dick pick before we met in person. And I’m back online full force communicating with other morons looking for that needle in a haystack. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of Gods children but some are idiots. Sorry, God.

I guess I was under the wrong impression that if a guy is nerdy looking, doesn’t kiss on the second date, and drinks O’Douls that things won’t get weird. I should have known when he brought his silverware disinfectant to dinner that something weird would happen. Note to self: add that to the list of dating red flags.

 

If you want to follow me on Insta I’m @therealamandaleigh. On Facebook I’m www.facebook/therealamandaleigh. I’m working on being more narcissistic so hopefully my lack of selfies won’t bore you.

‘My Adventures on Tinder’ by Amanda Leigh

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I should start a non-profit organization for all the single, successful, intelligent, attractive women I know. Not to toot my own horn and fall asleep on it but I’m a catch. And I’m single. I’ve been single for longer than I care to admit. By choice. I stay single because I’d rather be alone than mismatched. Being alone seems way more time and energy efficient than dealing with all the mishigas that comes along with being in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t complement you.

Every time I turn around I hear about someone I know going through a divorce or breakup with a guy who is an addict, womanizer, liar, abuser, or thinks it’s ok to cheat. So until an honest, emotionally healthy man comes along, I’m fine cuddling with my dog. The worst she’ll do is poop in my pole dancing room. I’d rather have that than the other aforementioned crap. (And yes, I pole dance for sport and I have a pole at home which makes me the perfect woman for any man reading this who’s interested in honesty, kindness, and twerking.

Dating to find a relationship is time consuming and can be frustrating. However, potentially never finding a life partner is also a scary thought. Enter Tinder. Yeah. I said Tinder. You read that right. I had no idea Tinder had the reputation of being “Grindr for straight people.” As a matter of fact, I knew nothing about Tinder at all until a business associate introduced me to it in a meeting a few months ago. I had hung up my online dating jersey after unsuccessful stints on OkCupid, eHarmony, JDate, The OnionDating, PlentyofFish, Nerve, and Match. I even tried Black Planet and considered ChristianMingle. (I’m Caucasian and Jewish.)

One Friday night in the Whole Foods parking lot I felt particularly alone and afraid. So I decided to downloaded Tinder and give it a try. Within an hour I had suitors within a 10-mile radius – lots of them – to choose from. I think Tinder is a smart idea. It takes the time, stress, and pressure out of online dating. It streamlines the process and makes it easy for people with busy lives.

I’ve gone out on over 10 dates and communicated with at least 50 guys since joining. I’ve also consumed hundreds of profiles. Only three guys have propositioned me for a one-night stand. So that’s 5% if you’re doing the math. If you’re into casual sex you can find it on Tinder for sure. But overall the guys I’m meeting are into dating not just hooking up.

There are some goofs I went out on dates with and they were certainly entertaining. None of them got a second date with me. A neurologist squeezed my arm and insinuated I need to workout more often. A basketball player asked me to travel with him and gave me two hours notice to get to LAX. He accused me of putting my puppy (who was on 3 different meds at the time) before him as an excuse not to go. (Note to men reading this who have doggie issues: My dog will be still in my bed even when you are not. So get a grip.) An advertising exec licked his steak knife at the Chateau Marmont. A 12-stepper forgot about our date entirely and stood me up. Maybe he will make an amends? Sorry, bad joke. An accountant told me he was afraid to ask me out again because he felt intimidated by me. Someone needs to grow a set. I had a great date and make out sesh with a hot photographer. He said he wanted to see me again and then disappeared. So unoriginal. I’m bored just writing it. But it wasn’t Tinder’s fault.

Guys on Tinder like to post photos of themselves with a tiger or a huge trophy. Or standing on a football field. Or behind a podium at the White House. Or with a celebrity or cartoon character (#yackattack). Or shirtless with their pants so low you can almost see dick city. Or… wait for it…on the toilet. Yeah. And it wasn’t a selfie either. I hope I don’t get carpal tunnel or a repetitive strain injury from swiping to the left.

response to ‘thoughts before bed’:

Alexi!

I just read your recent post ‘thoughts before bed’ and it reminded me of this article that I read that really changed the way I viewed love! I really wanted to share it with you and hope you find it just as insightful!
Love you!  xo

“I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore.  I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Love is a series of choices.  The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principle, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want / need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual.  Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she make you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything. But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice. To continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey. If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination.  Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?

Love is making a choice every single day, to either love or not love.  That’s it. It’s that simple.  Either to continue the process or not. We fall in and out of love.  Even in relationships, especially in relationships.  This doesn’t mean we don’t love the person.  It means we are left with a choice.  There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person), and loving someone (choosing to love that person).  You may have love for someone forever.  But that doesn’t mean you choose to love that person forever.  The choice to love is not a feeling, it is an action.  That is why it is so difficult.  It requires you to do something and I’m not just talking about buying flowers.  It might mean putting your wants aside.  Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not a constant. It is a variable. It fluctuates, depending on where you’re at in your life and what you’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love. Sometimes it is extremely difficult. But at the end of the day, it’s always a choice.

Although love varies, it also deepens. This means the longer you stay on that flight and embark on the journey together, the more fruit the process will bare. Your investment pays off. Your choices become easier. You not only become stronger as a couple, but also as individuals, assuming the love process is healthy – which means you guys are both doing work. The choice to love creates opportunity to hit notes in life that you could never hit alone and THIS is what makes your choice worth it.

So how do you know if it’s love? That is not the question to ask. The question is do you choose to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a choice. Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as hard as you can. Love with everything you’ve got (your capacity right now at this point in your life). If the answer is no, promise me one thing.

Let the fall make you stronger.”

theangrytherapist.com

reader submission: ‘wondering if my boyfriend is gay’

Hi Alexi,

I’m in a tough spot. To keep it brief, I’m 22 years old, in a long distance relationship and I’m wondering if my boyfriend is gay. Here are some reasons why I think this may be true:

-When we first started dating, he said he doesn’t need sex if I’m not ready (What guy says that?)
-He dresses really nicely, (which I like, he’s totally cute)
-When he was really drunk he asked me, “Would you still love me if I was gay?” And I said, “Of course, but not in the same way.” Upon asking if he was gay, he said “No, I’m just a weirdo.”  (What the fuck does that mean?)
-It’s been over a month since he moved and he’s only called me twice and skyped once, (he blames it on his parents being around, he’s not allowed to have a girlfriend who isn’t of his ethnicity…but he could totally walk outside and call me.)
-Sometimes I’ll text him something kind of sexy and he responds with a joke. (I’m not kidding.)

The list goes on. I really care about him and I know he cares about me to. But I’m just wondering where this is going and if it’s worth it and if it’s not, how do I break it off? Do I call him, write a FB message, start a text conversation or write and mail a detailed letter?

Please, please help. I love your blog and I think you offer sage advice, like all the time.

Thank you for your time!

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ [email protected]

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

reader submission: ‘too young to be so bitter’

Dear Alexi,

I live in Canada and am 22 years old. My problem is that I am bitter
towards love. Let me give you a little history… I dated my first
boyfriend when I was 19. We dated for 2 and a half years and at the time I
felt just like any other girl in love (butterflies, stars and rainbows!).
However, we broke up 8 months ago and I feel as though I’ve moved on.
However, ever since we broke up, my mindset towards any type of
relationship has taken a flip. I see my friends in relationships and think
to myself “they will never last”. In general, I am a happy and fun-loving
person but I don’t see the point in dating anybody when I know that it is
never going to end well. I know that eventually I’ll find someone more
compatible with me than my ex but what’s to stop that relationship from
failing? People inevitably change and therefore the relationship is
inevitably going to fall apart. I can get sex if that’s what I need,
without committing to anybody – so why would I? My friends call me smart
because I don’t fall for guys bullshit and can keep a clear head when i
like somebody. But this is just a result of me not wanting to pursue them.

I am too young to be this bitter! What do you think? Do you think maybe I
am just not completely over the emotional shock of going through a break
up? And how can I overcome this?!

Hope that you can help!!!

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ [email protected]

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

reader submission: ‘some honest truths’

Dear Alexi

I want to share very hard but important lessons learned this year:

1. Sometimes that “feeling” in the pit of your stomach, is just plain ol awkwardness.

2. Sometimes it’s not magic or fate, but a coincidence.

3. Sometimes he doesn’t secretly love you, and genuinely LIKES you as a friend because you’re awesome.

4. Sometimes there is a bit of sexual tension, but then again you are wearing a tight-ass dress.  Can you blame him for looking?

5. Sometimes he talks to you because you are down to earth, not because he wants to be your boyfriend.


Just wanted to share some honest truths. You are a brave soul, keep it coming!


JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ [email protected]

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

reader submission: ‘playing hard to get’

Dear Alexi,

I’m dying to know your opinion on playing hard to get with guys -

This email has come about as a result of a recently failed “relationship.”

Here’s the background – we met through mutual friends and had been dating for a few weeks – he would always be the one to call/text me to ask me out and generally made me feel like he was interested in me.  I’ve always been a believer that if a guy really likes you he’ll make the effort to pursue you and that men HATE being pursued by women -  because women who pursue are perceived as “desperate” and “needy.”  Anyway, I decided that I liked him and threw my rule book out the window so to speak and initiated conversation/asked him out twice in one weekend.  He politely turned me down both times and has since disappeared from my life (despite having taken the time a mere few days earlier to call and sweetly wish me happy birthday).

This situation, while trivial, really got me thinking about playing hard to get and whether it’s a bunch of bullshit or something women need to do to avoid the clingy/needy/desperate stereotype we are so often labeled with.  Do you find that the majority of guys you date dislike women that are forward/ask them out/call them etc.? Or am I stuck dating the same type of neanderthal that thinks it’s 1955 over and over again?  Why does being real and asking out a guy when I want to see him seem to freak them out?

Are guys more attracted to women who behave passively at the beginning of a relationship?

Love,

Sick of playing games <3

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ [email protected]

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

reader submission: ‘the other woman’

dear alexi,

where do you draw the line on being the other woman?

i’m constantly approached by sexy, confident men that offer a false sense of comfort and companionship, later to find out they have a girlfriend. am i meant to just go along with it, pretend i don’t know about her and take it as an experience? or, continue as i do, by walking away from him when confronted by the truth? so far, i’ve always walked away; but am i missing out on something? will it just end in tears and crushed love? or perhaps a fabulous affair?

being constantly left curious or wondering annoys me. i’m a dreamer, and i hope for greatness- i guess it emotionally marks me when i make the decision to abort- but sometimes, i don’t want to… i want to be with him. maybe we’d fall in love and be together. am i being too considerate of a relationship that is not my own? maybe she treated him badly, but then am i a rebound, a the knife that stabs her in the back?

or is he just an asshole and i’m lucky enough to get out before it’s tragic and cliché?

-anonymous

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ [email protected]

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

reader submission (from a dude): ‘The Casanova Convention’

About a month ago, my friend Jim invited me to a PUA (pick-up artist) seminar. “I’m going to this thing in two weeks, I think you should come.” he stated, pulling up an ad reading “Casanova Convention” on his laptop. “Seats are filling up fast,” he warned, letting the cursor blink in the quantity section. I’d like to say I refused, but I had no excuse. Having read “The Game,” I was curious. I told him to make it two.

“Can I have you to do one thing for me?” Jim asked during the ride there.

I’d been going on about how excited I was for the past week. Excited to see what kind of freaks would attend, and what kind of douches would teach. I rolled my eyes and peered out the window like a defiant child. “I know, I know. You want me to come in with an open mind and not be all judgey.”

He turned onto the freeway heading towards Echo Park. “Yes but . . . can I tell you this in my own words?” He then restated what I’d said.

I was immediately disappointed when we arrived. We walked up to a group of guys standing in front of what looked to be an abandoned El Patio with a graffiti’d plywood door. These weren’t the pasty skinned, World of Warcraft players I expected. Where was the geezer from Old School? Where was George McFly? Where were the Trekkies?

Read the rest of this post >>>

reader submission: ‘the friend zone’

Dear Alexi,

I’m 20. I’m at my top choice college, have amazing friends, an awesome job, and, after years of misery and self-loathing a pretty fuckin’ solid self-esteem.

My biggest issue right now seems to be that, with almost every guy I’m interested in, I get slammed into that dreaded place known as “the friend zone.” I kind of hate the term “friend zone” because I feel like it’s really negative and too often used by “Nice Guys” who get super butthurt because women won’t sleep with them, when they actually just befriended them with the hopes of getting laid.

But honestly, it feels like no matter what I do, I can’t win. I’ve been honest and up front with how I felt and gotten the standard “Aw, I don’t feel that way about you, I think we should just be friends.”  I’ve sat back and done nothing, waiting for him to make the move, just to have it fizzle out.

Just a few weeks ago, I had my most brutal case:

Read the rest of this post >>>



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