the state of being single

2008-DFC-Teller-Apparel

 

a journal entry i wrote a few months post my most recent gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart breaking break up:

I am a single woman living in Los Angeles. I just got out of a serious relationship with a guy I was madly in love with. It ended because… well, suffice it to say, it ended.  The point is, I’m single again.

Technically; I’m open to dating, I’m allowed to do whatever I want; I’m tethered to no one and nothing, but no one seems interesting to me. At least not as interesting as my ex was. And even though what I’m about to say is totally healthy and great, it’s completely foreign to me: I love being alone. let me be clear, i’m not saying i usually prefer to be in a relationship… not at all. those are few and far between, what i’m saying is, that at the moment… I love NOT dating. I love not having sex and talking, texting with guys i don’t care about who i know don’t and will never care about me in a real way. i love not dealing with any of the aspects of ‘the search’ – be it a search to get off  or the search for something deeper. At this moment, I am the most interesting and inspiring thing in my life. I have a million things to do, write, see, make, experience and plenty of friends and family who I barely have time to fit into my schedule as it is. Maybe I should start waking up earlier? And yet my curiosity to meet men, make out, feel desirable, flirt, sex and date is so deeply engrained in me. it feels bizarre NOT to be doing it. I’m addicted to the search. We all are. Aren’t we? Stay with me as I try to process all my contradictory feelings.

I love being alone, but I hope to one day find magic again.

It’s a funny thing, ‘love’; both people involved have to be hit just as hard for it to be the type of love story romance to stop you in your tracks and make you say “fuck, this is undeniable. I MUST be with this person. They enhance life!” The level of attraction has to be reciprocal; hitting both parties at the same time, in the same bizarre/intense way, so it’s magic. At least that’s the kind of love that stops me from continuing my journey as a single person. If it isn’t that, why bother? Being single is too great to stop to be with someone you’re only luke warm about.

At this point in my life, as a newfound single again; getting drunk & having sex with a virtual stranger or at the very least, guys I know are most definitely NOT in love with me, who WILL NEVER BE in love with me, who clench their eyes shut to avoid any/all possibility of eye contact while sexxxing me… isn’t as exciting as it used to be. Ya know?

And going on a first date with a guy I already know I like less than he likes me, feels horrible too, cuz every date is just one step closer to him sexxxing me or at least thinking he’ll be able to. So why waste everyone’s time or end up in a situation that could have been avoided?

Right now my main priority is not to buy a house, get married, have kids, and settle down. My goals aren’t even to fall in love or have sex. Who am I?! When did this happen?! My main priorities are to challenge myself, be creative, focus on my career, pay my bills, go to the beach, make more friends, spend time with my pre-existing friends, do things that scare me, learn, work on myself, continue to find things that leave me inspired, etc.

At times, the thought of being in a relationship even stresses me out. Just because someone puts their attention on me and chooses me doesn’t mean I have to jump at the opportunity, as if I should be so lucky?

I find myself having to dodge being in lack luster relationships with guys who are lovely but just don’t do it for me in the way I need doing. It’s not their fault or mine, I’d just rather be alone than have the safety of knowing there’s a warm body in bed next to me; because while we’re ultimately always alone (we born & die alone) we’re also NEVER really alone. Don’t underestimate male friends, your girlfriends, family, people watching, conversations in passing with strangers, etc. Voids can be filled. Build your own support system/new familial structure. Some of my LONELIEST most unhappy moments have been while in a not quite right relationship. More specifically, while laying next to the guy in bed, or during silent car rides together.

Until I stumble upon my ‘be all, end all person’ (which is subjective & only I’ll know it when I see/feel it) who is so undeniable to me… I’m gonna continue being selfish. I don’t want to put myself in front of someone and metaphorically ask them to accept me, cuz 1. I don’t give a shit if they do or don’t, and 2. That would mean, I’d have to accept them! And, I don’t have it in me! Relationships require a LOT of energy and consideration if you’re gonna do it right.

And at the moment, I don’t want to accept, compromise, be interested, make conversation, feign interest, be sexed, touched by anyone, not be my flirty or inquisitive self in public; i don’t want to be conscious & considerate of a partners feelings, come home early instead of late. I don’t want to have to wait to eat and check in with someone and say “Hey, have you eaten yet? Should I wait for you and we’ll eat together?”

I mean, I’m clearly in a mood as I write this and I could change my mind or more fittingly, my feelings, about this tomorrow. HOWEVER, currently… I am the most interesting, inspiring thing to me. My therapist thinks this is a good thing. Perhaps I should continue this feeling even after my A-sexual, closed off phase ends. Me putting myself first . Me being so grounded in myself.

It’s a conundrum. I don’t want to close myself off. I do love people, and I want to meet new ones, and leave myself open to loving and being loved by someone who I could have that magic with, who I’ve yet to meet and have no idea exists. So, despite all my self righteousness and saying ‘I love being alone’: I will continue to feel this way, but i’ll do it AS I date & throw myself into the world.

That almost seems like the best way to date. That way I don’t bank on someone else to complete me.

I’m a romantic. I LOVE being in love. I even love the days when the oxytocin and dopamine have worn away, and what you have is a real partnership/intimacy. A best friend. I love having ‘my person’ if you will. But that doesn’t have to mean I detest being single. Both are wonderful for different reasons.

I have no idea what’s gonna happen. In moments of weakness when I notice all the boneheads aka ‘the men I don’t connect with’ like I did with my ex. I think, fuck… maybe the devil I know is better than the devil I don’t and I consider getting back into my monogamous long distance thing. But, that only lasts a moment before I get back to remembering that there’s too much to do and being single is great.

I have faith I’ll meet my next love just as suddenly and unexpectedly as I did my last. And if I don’t, that’s fine too. I’ll just adopt a baby, become a lesbian, learn to be a pilattes instructor, and move to Hawaii! See? There are a MILLION different ways! And there’s no rush either.

On a side note, my friends (who are totally cool & NOT lame/ugly/losers at ALL) keep telling me to get on a dating app like they are. Um, I’ve always been very ANTI that, but I feel like being anti dating apps makes me sound like a lame grandma and not futuristic. While I have zero expectations, which is the preferable way to go about dating, maybe i should get out of my comfort zone and date via all different avenues (irl, apps, etc) & meet all types of people & then report back to you guys? Hmm… to be continued.

alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life (feel free to use my list!):

Once again, i’m single… and that’s fine. six months ago i was so content and happy being single. i was having sex like a dude, completely career driven with no ties to my heart and so emotionally unavailable no one was able to get under my skin… because i didn’t care about them to begin with. i had absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship, and that’s when one found me. which is exactly where i think a person should be emotionally before they get into a relationship. um, not the having sex like a dude and being essentially numb part, just the overall state of being content and happy in your singledom. because, ideally, you should be with someone because it’s undeniable and you don’t want to miss out on them because they’re too amazing and you feel so good when you’re with them, and you’re in love! NOT because you need a warm body next to you who could be ANYONE, just because you’re too scared to be alone and think you’re a failure if you’re not coupled up. do people really feel that way? even now? that’s so weird to me.

but now that’s all over and i’m looking forward to getting back to the ‘i’m so secure and happy being single’ state. in a way, even though i broke up with my last dude, i wasn’t ready to be out of my relationship. i actually really LIKED being in a monogamous, healthy relationship! i did! it was great! and the reason it had to end snuck up on me. although it was something that needed to happen, and was inevitable… it all happened so quickly and wasn’t what i had planned on. i had AT LEAST four more months in me to give. ; )

whenever i give my heart to someone and get into a relationship with them, i’m taking myself off the market and giving myself to them because i love them and have the intention that we could be together forever. you have to think that! you should be that crazy about them that that’s your intention. why go in knowing you’re gonna be looking for an out at some point down the road? that’s what flings, dating, and one night stands are for. duh.

i mean, yeah, i’m a realist as much as i am a romantic; i know that sometimes (most of the time?) we’re only meant to have relationships with people for a certain amount of time because they’re a stepping stone to the next life lesson/love/relationship/distraction. but i like to jump into a relationship a million percent. when i say ‘i love you’ (and i’m not talking about how loosely i use it on twitter), i mean it. shit, i hope i don’t start to get jaded or bitter when it comes to love. no, i won’t. i might not ever get married, but i’m going to fall in love as many times as i can/need to/find it, and do so with as much child like enthusiasm as usual. i mean, you can learn from experiences and not get bitter.

so now that this relationship is freshly over, and i’ve just been reminded of what works and does not work for me in a relationship, in an attempt to get acclimated at being a single, healthy, happy, productive, focused, balanced girl again- it’s important i get reaquainted with what it is i’m looking for the next time love finds me.

i’m not saying i want to rush into another relationship, as if that’s the goal of every single girl/that’s what defines success and happiness for a woman. not at all. i could be single for the rest of my life and never get married or have kids or anything and that would be fine. although i do feel that relationships are just as important as being single/comfortable being alone. relationships are where you do the most work on yourself. they are a tool to learn about yourself, using the other person as a mirror you’re reflected in; you have to explain yourself and be held accountable for you moods, actions, words, behavior, feelings. your childhood demons/history/scars come up and all the other emotional dark stuff you can’t see when you’re single.

right now, i’m in a state of reflection and attempting to get some clarity on what just happened and what i need when it comes to having a lover/partner/boyfriend, whatever.

i mean, to be real, at THIS point i just want to MEET someone i’m excited enough about to have sex with. someone who’s single and respectful and cute and interesting… and then, beyond that, i’m good with just getting back to that place where i’m completely satisfied being single and totally/exclusively in love with myself.

presently, i’m not excited about anyone. i’ve just survived a break up, a birthday, valentine’s day, etc.

so here i am: in desperate need of writing a letter to myself to remind me not to settle for less than what i want/need/deserve.

feel free to borrow my list.

alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life:

-we make each other’s lives better.

-he respects, loves, supports, and is excited about what i do for work. and vice versa.

-he makes me laugh and i make him laugh.  (so much, like crazy!)

-i am so attracted to him. he’s so attracted to me.

-we have great sex! epic sex!

-he has a wonderful, big private that satisfies me.

-he’s successful and loves his career.

-he’s my best friend. i’m his best friend.

-i can talk to him about anything. he can talk to me about anything. (without either of us getting weird/uncomfortable/or offended)

-we are so passionate about each other.

-we get each others sense of humor. we love each others sense of humor.

-he’s taller than me.

-he has great style. when we walk into a room, we look great together.

-i love his body. he loves my body.

-we can do anything together and it’s fun and easy: long walks, traveling, hiking, being quiet together, making stuff, etc.

-he isn’t threatened by my having a blog where i talk about love, sex, my feelings, and experiences. he thinks it’s great and loves it/it gives him insight into the inner-workings of my brain, and we can talk about it. he thinks i’m a badass.

-i feel safe with him. he feels safe with me.

-we’re creative together.

-he’s true to his word. i can count on him doing what he says he’ll do. i can count on him if i need help.

-he makes more money than me.

-he has no roommates, dogs, or kids.

-he drives a nice car.

-he’s single.

-he treats me like a princess.

-he loves his mom.

-i trust him. he’s trustworthy and faithful. he trusts me.

-i believe in him. he believes in me.

-he’s proud of me. i’m proud of him.

-we inspire each other.

-we have so much fun together.

-i’m not shy around him. i can be my true self around him.

-he barely drinks or doesn’t drink, is a non smoker, and is drug free.

-neither one of us has any desire to cheat.

-he loves me so much! he’s crazy about me and i’m crazy about him.

-we make stuff together.

-we genuinely like each others family and friends. it’s fun and warm and easy.

-he’s super sexy and has that ‘bad boy’ cool factor that i need in a guy.

-he’s really confident, but not to the point of being an unlikable, arrogant, ego maniacal prick.

-he’s a master at what he does.

-he’s smart, talented, and well-traveled. we learn from each other.

-he respects women. he’s not a misogynist.

-our relationship is fun and easy and passionate all at once.

-it’s not a battle of egos.

-we are so happy together, and communicate really well.

-he’s completely emotionally and physically available to me.

-he’s really healthy. but not to the point of being annoying and rigid.

-he has lots of energy, a great sex drive, and lots of stamina.

-he’s in a good mood more so than not.

-he doesn’t take his problems out on me. we talk about them, but he doesn’t unfairly lash out.

-he loves coffee.

-he’s romantic.

-he’s a gentleman.

-he’s ok with me potentially never wanting to get married.

-he’s ok with me potentially wanting to get married.

-he would make a good father… if i decide i ever want to have kids (i do, i think. just one… a LONG time from now)

-he wants marriage and kids.

-he lives in la.

-he’s not an angry guy.

-he’s very confident in who he is, what he wants, and how to go about getting it.

-he’s responsible: with his actions, his choices, my feelings, other people’s feelings, etc. he doesn’t play mind games.

-he’s good with money, but not cheap.

-he makes me so happy. i make him so happy.

-he isn’t a moody, passive aggressive, a control freak, or a man-child.

-he isn’t super religious. (spiritual and believing in god is fine)

-he has great taste.

-he has good morals. he has a strong moral compass. but this doesn’t mean he’s a nerdy, boring, dork who isn’t a badass/rock n roll.

-he isn’t the type of guy who needs to be mothered.

-the relationship isn’t difficult. it makes our lives better. it’s a blend of the kind of love you feel when you’re a teenager and your heart beats crazy fast and you draw hearts with your names in it on notebook paper, mixed with the responsibilities of adulthood. an epic balance of sex, love, passion, work, friendship & remembering who we are as individuals, but when we come together we’re even stronger and we make people who see us together believe in love!

 

alone at a party:

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one of the most horrible things about getting out of a relationship is being at a party and not having your eye on anyone as a potential make-out or sexy rendezvous. it is in that moment you realize ‘i am truly alone’. sure, you can rationalize it in different ways like ‘you’re never really alone when you have your friends around’ or ‘you’re not alone if you’re in close proximity to other human beings who are making direct eye contact and speaking with you’. or, ‘like hey, what if i was at this party alone cuz my bf was out of town or something?’ well, he’s not. you’re single! who knows where your bf is? cuz you don’t have one and your ex is probably fucking a 17 year old boy, i mean girl, somewhere.

you are alone in the sense that- you have no one who is one phone call away- willing/able/actually excited/maybe even generally interested in listening to all your boring, i mean personal, stories/woes/rants/daily sagas. you have no one to check in with. your mom and bff don’t count. i mean they do, but that’s not what i’m talking about.

tonight i went to a party and i was excited. that’s the great thing about being single- you never know what’s gonna happen or who you’re gonna meet. (that’s ACTUALLY the great thing about life in general. you just ‘never know’- good OR bad!) but you also have to prepare for it to be a bust too! and tonight, romantically speaking- it was. BUT i met great women and was comfortable in my skin and all that. i had a nice time. i did. for the first time, i didn’t make the night a winning situation ONLY if i put my attention on some cute guy and conquered him for the evening. whether conquering means making out/sexxing/gaining approval via attention/ or whatevs! no guy there ‘did it’ for me, and that was actually ok.

i still haven’t had sex since my break up. when was that again? about a month and a half ago? i hadn’t had sex two weeks prior to the break up either! shit, so it’s been like two months!? holy shit! i’m dying over here! i am a living, breathing example of how women need/want/crave sex too! I’m not saying I’ve been an angel. I’ve totally done everything but have sexxx- but being finger blasted and oral sexxx is just not the same.

I’ve changed since the ‘me’ before my last relationship. i don’t want to get naked with some random dude. (ok, maybe a few) I’m a girl who’s not super ugly. I’m not gonna lie- I’ve had opportunities. it could have already happened- but i feel like I’m a virgin all over again and I’m waiting for the PERFECT person to take my new-found virginity. i also REALLY don’t want to get herpes aids cancer aids.

more and more i need the guy i have sex with or even fool around with to be someone i can talk to; i have to actually give a fuck what he has to say; i need him to be/seem GENUINLY interested in me; and who is someone i can be/feel safe with. even if he isn’t the one- i need someone to know/think I’m special. someone who gets me- before he can be inside me. what’s that saying? a friend with benefits? (ugh. i can’t believe i just typed that.) and i’m learning that THAT is rare to find. so, until then, i will keep busy with work, spend time with my friends, and touch my privates all on my own. and at least when i finger blast myself, i’ll have the courtesy to wash my hands first!



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