things to keep you from killing yourself:

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if you’re already at such a low point emotionally that you want to take your own life, you’re actually in an ideal position. you’re so low, you have nothing to lose. and because of that, now is the time you should most definitely NOT KILL YOURSELF. let me explain:

yes, you feel hopeless and in pain; but feeling the way you feel resets you, it puts you at ground zero. now you can start over from a place of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ (and that’s a very powerful place to be)  ‘…cuz i can’t get any lower, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let everyone else win by being stronger than me and going on, while I take my own life and then am not even able to hover over my own funeral like you imagine you’ll be able to and inevitably witness the world just keep on going  before my dead body’s even cold – after a few fb/instagram likes regarding my death and sobs that will be forgotten in less than a week.’ no fucking way. this mood is a blessing. let it serve you and rebirth you and make you stronger – ALIVE and stronger.

but first things first, in order to pull yourself out of the deep vortex that is your mood, you must grab a life raft before you get sucked into making an irreversible decision. it’s now your job to do everything in your power to bring yourself immediate happiness (except kill, harm, or put others/yourself in danger). now is the time to eat pizza without worrying about what it might do to your figure (after all, a moment ago, you were gonna off yourself – so why worry about your figure?), go shopping, get your hair dramatically altered, be brave while not giving a fuck what anyone may or may not think of you. Sing in public, write, sky dive, walk, get drunk (but uber it), wear lipstick you’ve always been too afraid to wear, write your dad or mom or ex or whoever a disarmingly honest letter saying all the things you’ve always wanted to say.

but don’t you dare kill yourself!

FUCK everyone else. FUCK everything. Just get a slice of pizza, and take a moment to watch the world. you need not say or do anything. just BE. that’s enough. truly. your presence is affecting someone in a positive way without you even realizing it. i swear to god. even if you don’t believe in god. i swear. people notice you, even if you feel invisible. you make an impact, a ripple, a difference. so just take a moment, be quiet, and breathe. be kind to yourself. stop the constant chatter in your head, WITHOUT STICKING A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH. stop worrying. everything is ok, really. it will be. it’s just how you consciously decide to react to life. everything is a choice. so choose to live cooler, and happier, and less frantic, and bogged down, and stressed. it’s not all so serious. but hang in there to find that out and experience all the fun stuff you might not see right now, but i promise is around the corner.

write a list of what you like about yourself. it’s also ok to think you’re beautiful, even though for some reason we live in a culture where we think we’re supposed to brush off compliments and only say bad things about ourselves: ‘we’re ugly, dumb, weird, fat, imperfect, blah blah blah.’ fuck all that. what’s ‘perfect’? you’re beautiful. you’re allowed to exist. you’re allowed to like yourself. it’s not conceited. it’s just the truth. fuck sarcasm. be nice. i wish everyone would just be nice. people are nice. but it starts with you. be nice to yourself.

write a list of all the things you’ve been too terrified and intimidated to try/see/do because you don’t think you’re capable. you are. and even if you aren’t, who cares? it’s not worth killing yourself over. write a list of places you want to travel to. write a list of all the boys/girls you have crushes on. write letters to people you hate for whatever reason and then burn those letters and let it go. start seeing a GOOD therapist who you feel you GEL with and is helpful and makes you feel safe and understood. start a blawg, don’t start a blawg, take photos, volunteer for kids and people less fortunate than you- because I promise you, they exist. and they’re still among the living; fighting for every breath and grateful for it. go on long walks, it’ll make your mood better. maybe go on an anti-depressant. maybe don’t. maybe cut out the bad toxic people in your ife, even if they come in the form of your family. most likely, they do. stop doing drugs and drinking, the come downs are horrible and are probably the reason you feel suicidal right now.

have protected sex, a lot. let a guy lick your pussy for a long time. don’t ask him to stop because you assume he doesn’t like it. that’s his problem. let him stop cuz he decides to stop. and if he stops sooner than you’d like him to, push his head back down there. learn how to give the best blow job in the world. masturbate. listen to audiobooks read by the author. it really makes a difference when the audiobook is read by the author. masturbate WHILE listening to an audiobook read by the author. take an epsom salt bath. go to the beach, it’s like one HUGE epsom salt bath! realize that even if you lost your home and all your possessions, you’d be ok. you could get a job at mcdonald’s, target, or starbux (i’m sorry these places come to mind when i’m describing hitting rock bottom.) be nice to people just cuz. get a job at urban o, or american ap – wherever the bustling street is that has a melrose vibe in the city you live in. see bands play. go on dates. watch all the mindless shows on e and bravo; it’s like drinking 3 martini’s and being clobbered over the head with a boot- which just might shake you out of this funk. get a kitten or a puppy; as long as it’s not to eat and you treat it lovingly. have faith that love is real and you WILL meet the next great love of your life. be excited about getting older – it means you survived.

i wrote this because when i was a teenager i was really moody. i did drugs (speed), tried to kill myself, and ended up in a coma for 2 weeks. i’m so fucking thankful i woke up. i’m so fucking thankful i lived. but even all these years later, even though i don’t do drugs anymore- and for the most part, am a happy person, i still get sad/moody/and low sometimes. and it’s during those times i have to actively remind myself why living is awesome and that there’s no fucking reason to hurt myself ever again, and that there’s no fucking reason to take my (temporary) mood so far.

lately i’ve been reading about a lot of people who have taken their own lives. strangers. and when i realize how sad and affected i feel about these people i’ve never even met… it makes me think about how their families and friends and boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives must feel. we’re all connected. we’re not alone. we all get sad, we all feel hopeless and helpless sometimes… but be strong. you matter too much to hurt yourself. even if you don’t know it, you do.

here’s a helpful quote i found via @_NealeDWalsch on twitter: “What a joy this life is, with all its sadness and pain, its tests and its obstacles. What a joy to be alive and experiencing all of it.”

if you wanna leave your own inspiring reasons for choosing to live, or want to share a personal story to help someone in turmoil please do so in the comment section.

Love, Alexi

Things To Keep You From Killing Yourself:

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if you’re already at such a low point emotionally that you want to take your own life, you’re actually in an ideal position. you’re so low, you have nothing to lose. and because of that, now is the time you should most definitely NOT KILL YOURSELF. let me explain:

yes, you feel hopeless and in pain; but feeling the way you feel resets you, it puts you at ground zero. now you can start over from a place of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ (and that’s a very powerful place to be)  ‘…cuz i can’t get any lower, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let everyone else win by being stronger than me and going on, while I take my own life and then am not even able to hover over my own funeral like you imagine you’ll be able to and inevitably witness the world just keep on going  before my dead body’s even cold – after a few fb/instagram likes regarding my death and sobs that will be forgotten in less than a week.’ no fucking way. this mood is a blessing. let it serve you and rebirth you and make you stronger – ALIVE and stronger.

but first things first, in order to pull yourself out of the deep vortex that is your mood, you must grab a life raft before you get sucked into making an irreversible decision. it’s now your job to do everything in your power to bring yourself immediate happiness (except kill, harm, or put others/yourself in danger). now is the time to eat pizza without worrying about what it might do to your figure (after all, a moment ago, you were gonna off yourself – so why worry about your figure?), go shopping, get your hair dramatically altered, be brave while not giving a fuck what anyone may or may not think of you. Sing in public, write, sky dive, walk, get drunk (but uber it), wear lipstick you’ve always been too afraid to wear, write your dad or mom or ex or whoever a disarmingly honest letter saying all the things you’ve always wanted to say.

but don’t you dare kill yourself!

FUCK everyone else. FUCK everything. Just get a slice of pizza, and take a moment to watch the world. you need not say or do anything. just BE. that’s enough. truly. your presence is affecting someone in a positive way without you even realizing it. i swear to god. even if you don’t believe in god. i swear. people notice you, even if you feel invisible. you make an impact, a ripple, a difference. so just take a moment, be quiet, and breathe. be kind to yourself. stop the constant chatter in your head, WITHOUT STICKING A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH. stop worrying. everything is ok, really. it will be. it’s just how you consciously decide to react to life. everything is a choice. so choose to live cooler, and happier, and less frantic, and bogged down, and stressed. it’s not all so serious. but hang in there to find that out and experience all the fun stuff you might not see right now, but i promise is around the corner.

write a list of what you like about yourself. it’s also ok to think you’re beautiful, even though for some reason we live in a culture where we think we’re supposed to brush off compliments and only say bad things about ourselves: ‘we’re ugly, dumb, weird, fat, imperfect, blah blah blah.’ fuck all that. what’s ‘perfect’? you’re beautiful. you’re allowed to exist. you’re allowed to like yourself. it’s not conceited. it’s just the truth. fuck sarcasm. be nice. i wish everyone would just be nice. people are nice. but it starts with you. be nice to yourself.

write a list of all the things you’ve been too terrified and intimidated to try/see/do because you don’t think you’re capable. you are. and even if you aren’t, who cares? it’s not worth killing yourself over. write a list of places you want to travel to. write a list of all the boys/girls you have crushes on. write letters to people you hate for whatever reason and then burn those letters and let it go. start seeing a GOOD therapist who you feel you GEL with and is helpful and makes you feel safe and understood. start a blawg, don’t start a blawg, take photos, volunteer for kids and people less fortunate than you- because I promise you, they exist. and they’re still among the living; fighting for every breath and grateful for it. go on long walks, it’ll make your mood better. maybe go on an anti-depressant. maybe don’t. maybe cut out the bad toxic people in your ife, even if they come in the form of your family. most likely, they do. stop doing drugs and drinking, the come downs are horrible and are probably the reason you feel suicidal right now.

have protected sex, a lot. let a guy lick your pussy for a long time. don’t ask him to stop because you assume he doesn’t like it. that’s his problem. let him stop cuz he decides to stop. and if he stops sooner than you’d like him to, push his head back down there. learn how to give the best blow job in the world. masturbate. listen to audiobooks read by the author. it really makes a difference when the audiobook is read by the author. masturbate WHILE listening to an audiobook read by the author. take an epsom salt bath. go to the beach, it’s like one HUGE epsom salt bath! realize that even if you lost your home and all your possessions, you’d be ok. you could get a job at mcdonald’s, target, or starbux (i’m sorry these places come to mind when i’m describing hitting rock bottom.) be nice to people just cuz. get a job at urban o, or american ap – wherever the bustling street is that has a melrose vibe in the city you live in. see bands play. go on dates. watch all the mindless shows on e and bravo; it’s like drinking 3 martini’s and being clobbered over the head with a boot- which just might shake you out of this funk. get a kitten or a puppy; as long as it’s not to eat and you treat it lovingly. have faith that love is real and you WILL meet the next great love of your life. be excited about getting older – it means you survived.

i wrote this because when i was a teenager i was really moody. i did drugs (speed), tried to kill myself, and ended up in a coma for 2 weeks. i’m so fucking thankful i woke up. i’m so fucking thankful i lived. but even all these years later, even though i don’t do drugs anymore- and for the most part, am a happy person, i still get sad/moody/and low sometimes. and it’s during those times i have to actively remind myself why living is awesome and that there’s no fucking reason to hurt myself ever again, and that there’s no fucking reason to take my (temporary) mood so far.

lately i’ve been reading about a lot of people who have taken their own lives. strangers. and when i realize how sad and affected i feel about these people i’ve never even met… it makes me think about how their families and friends and boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives must feel. we’re all connected. we’re not alone. we all get sad, we all feel hopeless and helpless sometimes… but be strong. you matter too much to hurt yourself. even if you don’t know it, you do.

here’s a helpful quote i found via @_NealeDWalsch on twitter: “What a joy this life is, with all its sadness and pain, its tests and its obstacles. What a joy to be alive and experiencing all of it.”

call me any wed at 9pm pst during ‘boycrazy radio’ if you need a pep talk or a friend (646) 378-0649 / i’ll serve as a big sister who listens, distracts you, and offers advice.

if you wanna leave your own inspiring reasons for choosing to live, or want to share a personal story to help someone in turmoil please do so in the comment section.

Love, Alexi

reader submission- his friend committed suicide:

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a boy who reads my blog wrote this:

“my friend texted me to tell me that miss Ashley had killed herself last night. she never seemed like the type to do it. i was shocked, saddened, and honestly felt bad. we met at the royal oaks one night when i was already drunk. she tended bar there and her shift just ended, so she decided to stick around for a drink. she told me we had met before at the nyabinghi and made out in the bathroom and how great it was. great that i was bold enough to just ask her if she wanted to and great that i delivered on it. i must have been too drunk to remember that. i went along with it. i said of course i remember then excused myself to the bathroom and asked Matt who she was. “Ashley. from nyabinghi. miss Ashley” when i came back she said how great that would be to happen again. just not giving a drunk fuck, i grabbed the back of her head and pulled her into me in the middle of the bar. she was flushed.

we sat down and talked about what we had just done and then went to my car. we made out for almost 45 minutes and the bar had closed and matt was tapping on my window. she pulled her skirt back down, put her jacket on, and got out. we exchanged numbers, kissed, got in our cars and left. the next few winter months were spent at her house. it was so cold outside and in my house, but her house was always so nice. we’d go out and take turns buying each other dinner, showing each other our secret spots; i took her to golden hunan for black pepper beef, she took me to amen corner for Friday fish, etc… we sat under blankets and watched Rosanne, while i did my homework. it was so cold outside and in my house, but her house was always so nice. we fucked while listening to old hardcore records and sometimes i’d put on sonic youth. i always said i knew the band and loved them, even when i didn’t know who they were. we drank beers and talked about underground hip hop. what did happen to def jux and the next men?

before working at the royal oaks, she was a dancer at one of those classy strip clubs. that’s all anyone knew about her and i could feel it when we went out. i didn’t hold her hand at cedars. she was hurt and asked why and i couldn’t tell her “because you’re a stripper”.  she got fired from the oaks and had to start dancing again. i stopped seeing her and the whole thing faded away. i didn’t want to be known as dating a stripper. I’m such a shallow asshole. i wasn’t in love, but it’s not like i didn’t have feelings.

even a few months later, when i felt so low, she came and sat in the dark and listened to nirvana with me to comfort me. we both sang along to drain you. even after i started dating another girl, i dreaded running into her because the sex was so good. it’s almost a year from when i started seeing her and i don’t feel good about any of it still. she had another boy after me, sure, i had girls. i know it’s no ones fault. i can associate with hopelessness. everyone can. i can’t associate with suicide. i hope no one can. I’m sorry.”


if only:

if only someone could promise us that all our craziest dreams and desires would come true; that everything would work out in the end…. and that we could rest assured that it will all be OK. but they can’t. who knows what will happen between now and the time you die? that’s the thing that some people actually LIKE about life. it’s a constant surprise. a gamble. but that’s also what others can HATE about it! 


it’s why some people take their own lives. they reach their breaking point. they hit their limit of ‘not knowing’ and they give up. they feel hopeless; think life is too hard to go on living because they’re unhappy, unfulfilled, and can’t continue living with the possibility that they may NEVER be happy- that their dreams may NEVER come true. and in the blink of an eye, they are gone forever. having died at their own hand. there is NO need for this to happen. but it does and it’s tragic. so, it’s important to look at the thought process that could cause this dark hole of hopelessness, and avoid it at all costs. 

we live in a world where phrases like ‘you never know’, ‘just when i least expected…’ , and ‘who knows?’ run wild. and they’re true! you never know what’s coming for you around the corner… good OR bad. just as quickly as you could contract herpes, you could win the lotto. and all you can do in the interim is live your life, be nice to your friends & family, try not to be such an asshole, maybe make people laugh if you don’t mind, have a laugh yourself, and work towards making your dream become realized. letting it be bigger than just a thought inside your head. 

but before you can do this, you have to KNOW what it is you WANT. do you know? when you figure it out through thinking/writing in an unlined journal… brainstorming like a kuhrazy person, that’s ONLY the beginning. every day, do at least ONE thing towards achieving your dream/goal. even if it’s as simple as ‘i wanna be a chef’ and going to the supermarket to grocery shop or signing up for a cooking class (and hopefully actually going). 

all of this will help towards moving your life in an inspired, focused direction. giving you things to daydream about and aspire to having/being! but if you feel trapped in a moody, super sad hole of despair…… do ANYTHING you can to perk yourself up! NO, NOT drugs- smoking- or binge eating (and by binge eating, i mean BINGE EATING: like eating an entire pizza in one sitting by yourself. or emptying the contents of your entire fridge into your stomach)!

INSTEAD, how about seeing a movie by yourself; getting a small popcorn and peanut m&m’s or red vines? have a vanilla soy OR nonfat milk latte (your call)! i mean, if you were ALREADY planning on killing yourself ANYWAY, why would you feel guilty about having a treat?! it’s like looking at life from a whole new perspective! try reading the tabloids for free at the supermarket, going on a walk…. anything! even a bubble bath and calling a friend/seeking help from a profesh could change everything. you can even e-mail me. you see, getting so emotionally low can actually give you a whole new lease on life! if nothing matters, than you can be brave, and fearless, and choose to LIVE and not let others affect you! 

so, just cheer up. after all, the beautiful thing about life is, even if you’re not feeling your best right now….there just might be a happy surprise lurking just around the bend. i love you! xoxo



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