the blind leading the blind (part 134):

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1. in case you don’t know: the whole POINT of instagram isn’t to connect and share in an honest way with people. no! not at all! it’s to give the impression that you’re living a fun, super exciting, upbeat lifestyle and to make other people feel bad about themselves cuz you’re clearly BETTER & winning at life – even though you’re ACTUALLY probably secretly miserable and on the verge of killing yourself. just wanted to make that clear. now continue instagramming.

 

2. instead of using a tote bag, just carry your stuff around in a victoria’s secret, agent provocateur, or la perla shopping bag- depending on how high brow you are. although i truly feel that a victoria’s secret bag is the better choice because it’s more universal. it’s the McDonald’s of lingerie and will therefore make men objectify you much quicker because they will immediately identify the brand, start to wonder what’s in your bag & imagine you in a bra and undies. you’re welcome!

 

3. helvetica bold is so classic and simple. i really don’t see it going out of style. I just don’t.

 

4. hair serum? should you use it? i mean, if you have it… why wouldn’t you?!

 

5. please be mindful of gossiping. it actually has way more of a negative power than you know. you may think you’re ‘just venting’ or that you want to be entertaining, and it’s all you have to share… but gossiping about other people’s personal life matters not only affects/breaks the trust and respect between you and the persons whose personal life you’re sharing… but it also puts all that gossipy poison into the mind of someone else. someone else who may not even want to carry that stressful weight. so mind your mouth and don’t fucking gossip. that way you don’t have to worry the next day about whether or not people are mad at you/if the person you gossiped about found out and is pissed. NOT gossiping will make people feel safe with you. they’ll feel like you’re trustworthy, because you’re able to keep secrets. AND it will keep others from breaking out in hives from the emotional weight and stress you’ve dumped on them.

 

6.  only have sex with guys in hotel rooms! personally, I’m gonna take my own advice on this because I’m SO sick of having to take down my dream catcher, vision board, and fashion mag collages that will almost definitely scare away any good guy!

 

7. please, more house parties!

 

8. friends don’t let friends get tubby. unless you’re morbidly obese. in which case, gettin ‘tubby’ is a step in the right direction. good for you tubster!

 

9. people fall into two categories: those who drive pt cruisers and those who have a kernel of self-awareness. #BabyBoot #MiniHearse #BadLook #SorryMom

 

10. please, no costume parties unless its Halloween!

 

For more ‘The Blind Leading The Blind’ click HERE

 

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the blind leading the blind (part 133):

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1. Don’t assume people look at your insta! One of the most annoying things is when you’re talking to someone in real-time, in real life and they say something like ‘oh, but you probably already know that cuz you saw it on my insta’. um what? fuck you! who the fuck do you think you are? what do you think the world has become?! i know it’s fucked up and we are more alive online than in person, but i don’t want to live my life like that and i sure as hell don’t want to hang with an annoying narcissistic poseur who assumes everyone’s following their insta stream with bated breath. so shut the fuck up kid and just tell me what’s going on/your story without the assumption I’ve liked it on your fed you piece of shit! 

2. Cab drivers will ALWAYS give better advice than an uber driver. SPECIFICALLY, New York cab drivers. 

3. No matter how fat, ugly and repulsive you think you are (and you very well might be right), i promise: SOMEONE out there wants to fuck you. I don’t know why and I don’t know when… but it’s true. So THAT should put your mind at ease, at least for a moment. 

4. If you don’t have a mirror, just turn your camera on and reverse the camera. Duh! 

5. Only pay when you’re out with your boyfriend when you’re mad at him. This will make him more appreciative when he’s paying.

6. The minute you stop being afraid of carbs: rice, potatoes, bread, etc… Is the minute it will stop making you gain weight. It’s OK to eat carbs. Except you, fatty. You should stick to salads for a while. 

7. You never really know who you’re dating. So either accept that, or stay alone forever.

8. If he stays too long with his ex and overlaps the ending of his toxic relationship with the beginning of his new relationship with you… He will probably do the same to you. But let him prove you wrong. I mean, the sex is too good to just walk away & be overly logical! 

9. You’ve probably walked past at least one murderer today. Scary.

10. Of course you should put hair serum on your cats coat, this is Hollywood!

the blind leading the blind (part 132):

 

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1. if your ex-boyfriend is texting you more than your current boyfriend… there’ s a problem.

 

2. everyone keeps saying, ‘people who post selfies are narcissist fucks’… NOT TRUE! The TRUTH is, if you DON’T post selfies, it means you don’t like yourself. Glad we solved that one! Phew! Now let’s all lean towards self esteem!

3. if you are one of those people who has an application that alerts you to who unfollows you on insta or twitter, you are a loser.

 

4. if you are one of those people who has an application that alers you to who unfollowed you on insta or twitter and then you confront the person who unfollowed you about it, i have no words for how embarrassing you are.

 

5. spotify is a million times better than pandora. but you know that already… right?

 

6. dear erewhon and all other deli sections of supermarkets: don’t let the handles of the ladles and tongs, that you grab with your bare hands, touch the food it sits in! it’s disgusting!!! And ps: you’re supposed to be wearing gloves!!! GLOVES!!!

 

7. yes, you are SO right! shaving your bikini line is WAY cheaper than getting waxed at a profesh salon! but razor burn isn’t sexy and doesn’t create an atmosphere someone wants to bury their face in… ya know?

 

8. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite, says a lot about you. mine is svu. oh no!

 

9. if you subconsciously feel like you’re doing your boyfriend a favor by being with him,that’s a relationship you should get out of. your poor boyfriend.

 

10. cats would be so much cooler if they gave massages & did the dishes. i mean, i feel like all i do is feed the thing, go out of my way to entertain it & then try my hardest to NOT be attacked.

 

the blind leading the blind (part 131):

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1. if the most exciting thing in your life is that you forgot you posted a pic on insta and now you’re excited to check and see how many likes and comments you received… you are leading an extremely  weak life.

 

2. girls. although i can see why it might be fun and add a sense of urgency and excitement to your life; running out of tampons and waiting until you’re actually having your period – to the point of leaking – to run to the drugstore to buy more tampons, is an embarrassing accident waiting to happen.

 

3. prefer surface streets.

 

4. new goal, try to exhaust your boyfriend less this week.

 

5. cab drivers, especially the ones in New York, will always give better advice than any uber driver ever could.

 

6. guys! make spotify playlists for the girl you like! it’s SO romantic and so EASY! wake up! for the love of god, do SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

 

7. never text the director of the film you’re watching while you are watching it. it will only annoy him and garner a response like ‘stop texting and watch!’

 

8.  at some point in your relationship, in order to get to the next level and graduate to real intimacy, you MUST surrender to trusting the person you’re with and believing that they love you, won’t hurt you, and mean what they say. you might even think you’re doing that with the person you’re with now, but look closely at yourself. take a moment to think about how you feel. are you always mad at him? do you start fights for no reason; to push him away? to test him? do you get jealous for no real reason other than the fact that you assume the worst – even though he hasn’t done anything except follow a person of the opposite sex on instagram? take all of this into consideration and ask yourself ‘do i still have one foot in and one foot out? do i still doubt him? do i still have him at arms distance, but it’s so subconscious i don’t even realize it?’ just think about it.

 

9. let’s bring the word ‘queer’ back! it’s so much more colorful than ‘bisexual’ or ‘gay’. plus it’s so fun to say and makes me feel all squirmy and alive! just try it! let me know how it makes YOU feel! even the facial responses you’ll get after making the decision to use this word instead of another are fun to watch. #yolo

 

10. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite says a LOT about you. my favorite is svu. : /

 

the blind leading the blind (part 130):

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1. if he’s never posted a photo of you on Instagram during your relationship, but you have… you love him more.

 

2. sometimes the only requirements for a girl thinking a guy’s a creep is her knowing that you like her, and her not being attracted to you. but throw in bad shoes, an outdated wallet, a bizare facial hair choice, bad breath… and the dude goes NEXT level and graduates to a SUPER creep lurker!

 

3. if no one will be his girlfriend and the dude keeps venting about it, wondering why girls don’t want to be his gf and only want to be friends with him after two or 3 dates… you can be sure he has a tiny dick. be it a nubbin, a mushroom, or skinny like a pencil… it’s the dudes disappointing private that’s to blame for his predicament. but it’s ALWAYS the one thing he never considers or brings up.

 

4. when you know a relationship is coming to an end, start deleting all the Instagram evidence of it ever existing.

 

5. sometimes all you REALLY need is a polish change, and not the whole mani pedi. faster, cheaper, and WAY less boring to sit through!

 

6. if you get along better when you text then you do when you actually speak on the phone, there’s a problem.

 

7. never shoot up (photographically speaking) on a woman. this will only ever be a horrible, unflattering angle for a woman. no matter how beautiful she might be; no matter how ‘great’ a photographer you think you might be… shoot from above. even if only just slightly. trust me.

 

8.  if you’re always disappointed by him, it’s not his fault anymore, it’s YOURS for staying with him.

 

9. eating bananas in public is one of the most embarrassing things you’ll ever do… if you’re a completely boring pussy.

 

10. dear masseuse with very hairy arms: your arm hair is in my mouth.

 

the blind leading the blind (part 129):

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1. while on the plane, en route to visit the boyfriend you’re in a long distance relationship with, it’s very important you do your kegel exercises.

 

2. if you can combine fighting with your boyfriend with being stressed out about work, you’ll be on the most effective weight loss plan possible!

 

3. if you can’t stand the thought of her with another guy, then you better fight for her.

 

4. if you’re wanting to see him stresses him out, he doesn’t love you as much as you want him to.

 

5. when the losses and the gains blur, it’s probably over.

 

6. when you lose hope and faith in the relationship, it’s over.

 

7. if you’re always waiting on someone elses terms & time frame, it’s exhausting and the relationship is imbalanced.

 

8. a man whose life is dictated by his cats, is a man you don’t want to be with.

 

9. you know you had a horrible trip if you didn’t take a single picture… OR you were living in the moment… In MY case, it was a series of horrible moments.

 

10. the best and saddest thing about breaking up with someone you’ve been dating long distance is that, once it’s over, there is a 99% chance you will never run into them again.

the blind leading the blind (part 128):

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1. some people love new car smell. some people HATE new car smell because they say it’s the smell of toxic chemicals. the latter are technically correct, but fuck them! i just got a new car you snobby uptight hippy! take the bus!

2. when adopting a kitten at an animal shelter, ask yourself this question “how likable will the kitty be on Instagram?” then choose the one who will garner the most ‘likes’.  there’s a lot of competition out there!

3. wearing boyfriend jeans will keep you from having a boyfriend. not because people actually think you’re wearing your boyfriend’s jeans, but because they look like shit.

4. jesus christ. why would anyone online date when facebook is already so overtly sexual and yet way more subtle than a dating site?

5. life is just like a really long GIF, ya know?

6. always have pretzels and ginger ale or sprite in your kitchen… because, you just never know. you never know.

7. dear women: when air furiously comes out of your vagina, when you least expect it, catching you off guard in front of the guy who was most likely the perpetrator of jamming all that air into you to begin with (OR EVEN WORSE you’re in front of the love of your life) and it’s really crazy loud and you already have an intense shame about bodily functions in general… yes, it’s the most embarrassing thing in the world. but yelling ‘that was air coming out of my vagina’ at the top of your lungs so all your neighbors, and all the other people you never wanted to include in this moment, can hear you – is NOT the answer. i know you want to make it clear that the air that just burst out of you was DEFINITELY not coming out of your bum hole and most definitely coming out of your vadge hole (because as a society we’ve somewhere, somehow decided that this hole is way less gross. and we’re right. besides, you don’t even have an asshole anymore, remember? why would you? you had it sewed up years ago, since you have no use for it at all and don’t do that.) but maybe bursting into tears and yelling a narrative of whats just spewed from your insides is not quite the answer either. let’s find a happy medium, shall we? maybe just whisper. like your pussy did. xx

8. try to incorporate tights into your wardrobe this week. black, navy, or mock.

9. at the end of ‘lost in translation’, when bill murray whispers into scarlet johanson’s ear and you can’t hear what he says… i found out he said this “well, i have to be going now. but i’m not going to let that come between us.”  this isn’t advice, but it may fill a void.

10. men are simple. at least more simple than girls are. please, for their sake and yours, don’t bring up all the intricacies of your mind; “are you mad at me?” “are you ok? you seem weird.” “i feel like you don’t like me or something.” “what’s wrong?” “you’re so quiet. what’s THAT all about?” “are you guys all hanging out without me?” “that last phone call was all weird, i was really out of it, um, now i’m all self-conscious. ugh. you don’t hate me now do you? oh god. this is probably so annoying isn’t it? i’m sorry. i’m just feeling really weird and i wanna make sure we’re ok. so, like, we’re ok… right?”

THAT’s the shit that will frustrate/annoy the guy; not the initial, minor, non thing they he never even sensed to begin with that you’re now spiraling over. but you aren’t gonna listen to me, are you? you’re gonna bring it up any way, aren’t you? oh god. you are. : /

 

 

the blind leading the blind (part 127):

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1. just keep pretending everything’s ok… even though it totally isn’t.

 

2. sometimes all a mom can say via text is: ‘call your therapist’ and it really is the best & only advice she can give.

 

3. when dining alone at a sushi restaurant, always sit at the sushi bar and pretend you’re on a date with the guy you’re wedged in next to… even if he is someone elses husband.

 

4. bacon is always good as long it’s cooked the way you want it. Whereas sausage is a gamble even if it’s cooked perfectly.

 

5. long distance relationships aren’t real relationships. i should know, i’m in one.

 

6. start referring to erect penis’ as (misplaced) unicorn horns. it’s so much more mystical.

 

7. saying ‘that was my stomach’ in a panic after your stomach growls is WAY worse than saying nothing at all. I mean, what else would it have been? This advice of keeping your mouth shut and not explaining yourself ALSO applies in the following scenarios: 1. your chair is squeaking/makes a weird sound when you move and when you try to recreate the sound while saying ‘it was the chair’ but then the chair doesn’t make the sound again. and 2. stepping on a weird part of a wood floor and again trying to recreate the squeak while explaining yourself to no avail. Just let it be.

 

8. knowing what NOT to tweet is even MORE important than what you actually decide to tweet.

 

9. getting married is the new ‘i don’t believe in marriage.’ we’ve done and seen it all! some things work, other things don’t. just jump in! so what if you get divorced in 7 years? at least you did it! monogamy is the new ‘wylin out’ or whatever that horrible pop culture phrase was when it was. plus, all that really matters as a woman is who you decide to have a baby with. that’s what needs to be the most precious decision. not marriage.

 

10. dear drivers, when you get in your car and i’m waiting for your parking spot, don’t sit in your car forever! or at least let me know if you don’t plan on leaving immediately instead of avoiding eye contact with me, pretending not to hear my horn honking, or just being completely un self-aware in general! we’re all in this together. we need to communicate!!! … unless it’s me. in which case; leave me alone. i’m probably figuring out how to get to my next destination, eating a sandwich, instagramming, and/or texting with everyone i know. so beat it. i am allowed to be here no matter how scarce parking is! for the love of god, i’m not giving up this spot. and if you keep honking, i’ll just get out and go back inside the supermarket or whatever establishment i came from and risk you keying my car.

the blind leading the blind (part 126):

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1. after having sex while on your period & your inner thighs are covered in blood; i think a funny thing to do would be to start screaming “My baby! My baby! What have you done with my baby?”

2. probably best to just take off your necklace BEFORE giving the blowjob… cuz it’s GONNA be an issue, so you may as well save yourself the trouble.

3. just accept the fact that every single place that serves food is FILTHY!

4. it’s so much more special when the audiobook is read by the author.

5. there should be a channel that ONLY plays FRIENDS #calmingtelevision

6. try to express your love for your significant other the way i do by saying something along the lines of: “even though nobody else does, I love you… but that could change at any moment.”  I know that might sound mean, but trust me… you’ve got em RIGHT where you want em.

7. sometimes I look back at ALL the men I’ve slept with & think “It’s a miracle I don’t have AIDS or an STD!” If your an ex boyfriend of mine, this isn’t about you… I’m talking about all the guys I slept with in between the actual guys that mattered.

8. if the guy you’re dating buys one ply toilet paper, break up with him immediately. clearly he doesn’t care about HIMSELF, so how could he possibly care about YOU?!

9. Facebook is so O V E R.

10. if he’s in his thirties and your boyfriend is starting physical fights with people after a few drinks… someone needs to hit his reset button and remind him that he’s an adult and not a cast member on real housewives of Atlanta. adults don’t brawl. we use our BRAINS and ignore trivial losers we want to punch.

A Meditation on Valentine’s Day from IMBOYCRAZY.COM

1. DO have bloody crime scene sex if you’re having your period, but REALLY want to sleep with the boy of your dreams. if he’s a man, he can totally handle it and won’t give a FUCK!

2. Shave your legs, even if you don’t have a date, a life, a man, or plans in general. you NEVER know what’s gonna happen! YES, we all know the urban legend that says good things happen when we FORGET to shave our legs… but come on ladies, just fucking shave them. it’s valentine’s day. do it for YOU!

3. keep you’re vadge neatly coiffed! again, even if you don’t plan on having your privates licked, fondled, or visible in any way, shape, or form… this is for you. it’s always nice to keep yourself in tip top shape! look good feel good. cuz you can! and besides, WHO knows who could end up down there. even if its just YOU touching yourself, it’s a nice gesture.

4. NO sweatpants. technically ever! but especially TODAY!

5. if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends (boys and girls), go out, and have a dance party!

6. yes, even though it’s valentine’s day, DO go on a first date or a blind date. no, it isn’t too intense JUST because it’s valentines day. chillax. it’s just a day with no real meaning, other than an excuse to get dressed up, be fucked, eat chocolate, get flowers, feel lonely, and/or talk about love with your friends. choose the fun choices dum dum! it’s not such a big deal!

7. Buy YOURSELF flowers! I do it ALL the time!

8. if you’re single, stay home and have a movie marathon! watch these movies/TV shows: valley girl, moonstruck, flash dance, before sunset, before sunrise, Annie hall, Manhattan, when harry met sally, dazed and confused, truth or dare, the devil wears prada, sex and the city (the tv show, NOT the movies) THEN: take a bubble bath, light a candle, moisturize, touch yourself until you make yourself cum, and then doze off. personally, i like to call this ‘monday’.

9. it’s: ‘Valentine’s Day’! NOT : ‘Valen-TIMES day’! what’s up with the popularity of this mispronunciation lately? is there some new rap song to blame for this? and if so, send me the link!

10. alternate: if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends, STAY IN and blab about life, boys, sex/watch movies, etc. remember slumber parties?! yeah, they’re fucking great!

11. yes, i strongly encourage you to see the bieber movie or ‘no strings attached’ alone on valentines day! yeah, i said it! why the fuck not? just don’t buy too much candy. one small popcorn, no butter and one chice of candy TOPS! may i suggest: red vines, peanut m&ms, or gummy bears? you’re welcome in advance! xo

12. yes, have so much sex you can barely walk the next day. if this involves flying to visit a boy you met on new years eve with long hair and is younger than you, i completely back up that choice. wait, can you tell i’m talking about me?

13. if you have your period and the dude knows it and still wants to lick your p**sy, you are the luckiest girl in the world. PS: the dude is no longer to be considered a boy. he is a gnarly, badass, sexy, MAN. like out of an 8o’s movie or something.

14. let the dude pay. you’re a woman, he’s the dude, AND its mother fucking valentine’s day. it may be 2014, but we have to find the perfect balance between old school and new school values. more on that later.

15. get a manicure pedicure.

16. wear matching undies. i suggest shopping at la perla. it’s uber expensive, but soo beautiful. the only bummer is when you realize you spent like $300 on a matching bra and panty set, and the boy who’s taking them off you couldn’t care less what your bra and undies look like, unless they were like stained granny undies or something way gross like that- then he’d notice, but other than that: he just wants to get your boobs in his mouth and his privates deep in your privates.

17. kiss sooo much that his 5 o’clock shadow gives you an intense dose of microdermabrasion! you can just tell people you got wind burn. or do what i do and say to anyone whose path you cross: ‘oh my god, i totally made out soo much that the boys facial hair took off a layer of my face! do i look like a monster? no, don’t answer! i already know the answer to that question. happy valentines day’!

18. let your boyfriend cook you dinner. PS: it’s totally OK to eat carbohydrates tonight, cuz you’re gonna need the energy and will burn it all off during your super epic intense sex sesh!

19. play spin the bottle! (even if you’re alone. just sit in front of a mirror and spin. that. bottle.)

20. read Kelly cutrone’s book: ‘if you have to cry, go outside- and other things your mother never told you.’ it’s so fucking epic and inspiring!

21. get a massage. this day could be just another day..OR you could use it as an excuse to do nice things for yourself and feel girly and sexy.

22. go to a Korean naked spa. however, don’t go if you are having your period. that’s just plain rude/disrespectful.

23. drink lots of tea!

24. organize your closet.

25. write a list for yourself that describes the kind of man/boy and type of relationship you’re looking for/hoping to find!

26. call your mom and say hello!

27. text everyone you know and wish them a happy valentines day.

28. if you’re single and you see a cute dude at a bar/club/what have you, use ‘happy valentine’s day’ as the perfect conversation starter!

29. dear mistletoe, what the fuck?! way to abandon the world RIGHT when we need you most! so, you’re available around Christmas time- but you’re nowhere to be found on valentine’s day when we could really use the make-out help/wing-man esque assistance you provide? thanks for nothing!

30. love yourself. cuz if you don’t, why should anyone else? you attract people operating on the same level as yourself/people who match your mind-frame. so let’s keep your own personal bar of self respect and love super high! cuz if you don’t…. just imagine the creeps you’re gonna attract. creeps who will only like you/treat you as much as you like/treat yourself.

31. read all of my past blog entries! they will only make you feel BETTER! i promise!

32. this also goes for my podcasts! Boycrazy Radio’ will at least DISTRACT you if you’re feeling down! (click HERE to find it on i-tunes)

33. for the love of god: WEAR SOMETHING SEXY!

34. go on a bike ride in a short skirt. be aware of predators and rapists. avoid them at all costs and continue your ride. pedal faster if you have to!

35 remember: you are never alone. i love you.



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