the blind leading the blind (part 128):

33-Petra-Collins

 

1. some people love new car smell. some people HATE new car smell because they say it’s the smell of toxic chemicals. the latter are technically correct, but fuck them! i just got a new car you snobby uptight hippy! take the bus!

2. when adopting a kitten at an animal shelter, ask yourself this question “how likable will the kitty be on Instagram?” then choose the one who will garner the most ‘likes’.  there’s a lot of competition out there!

3. wearing boyfriend jeans will keep you from having a boyfriend. not because people actually think you’re wearing your boyfriend’s jeans, but because they look like shit.

4. jesus christ. why would anyone online date when facebook is already so overtly sexual and yet way more subtle than a dating site?

5. life is just like a really long GIF, ya know?

6. always have pretzels and ginger ale or sprite in your kitchen… because, you just never know. you never know.

7. dear women: when air furiously comes out of your vagina, when you least expect it, catching you off guard in front of the guy who was most likely the perpetrator of jamming all that air into you to begin with (OR EVEN WORSE you’re in front of the love of your life) and it’s really crazy loud and you already have an intense shame about bodily functions in general… yes, it’s the most embarrassing thing in the world. but yelling ‘that was air coming out of my vagina’ at the top of your lungs so all your neighbors, and all the other people you never wanted to include in this moment, can hear you – is NOT the answer. i know you want to make it clear that the air that just burst out of you was DEFINITELY not coming out of your bum hole and most definitely coming out of your vadge hole (because as a society we’ve somewhere, somehow decided that this hole is way less gross. and we’re right. besides, you don’t even have an asshole anymore, remember? why would you? you had it sewed up years ago, since you have no use for it at all and don’t do that.) but maybe bursting into tears and yelling a narrative of whats just spewed from your insides is not quite the answer either. let’s find a happy medium, shall we? maybe just whisper. like your pussy did. xx

8. try to incorporate tights into your wardrobe this week. black, navy, or mock.

9. at the end of ‘lost in translation’, when bill murray whispers into scarlet johanson’s ear and you can’t hear what he says… i found out he said this “well, i have to be going now. but i’m not going to let that come between us.”  this isn’t advice, but it may fill a void.

10. men are simple. at least more simple than girls are. please, for their sake and yours, don’t bring up all the intricacies of your mind; “are you mad at me?” “are you ok? you seem weird.” “i feel like you don’t like me or something.” “what’s wrong?” “you’re so quiet. what’s THAT all about?” “are you guys all hanging out without me?” “that last phone call was all weird, i was really out of it, um, now i’m all self-conscious. ugh. you don’t hate me now do you? oh god. this is probably so annoying isn’t it? i’m sorry. i’m just feeling really weird and i wanna make sure we’re ok. so, like, we’re ok… right?”

THAT’s the shit that will frustrate/annoy the guy; not the initial, minor, non thing they he never even sensed to begin with that you’re now spiraling over. but you aren’t gonna listen to me, are you? you’re gonna bring it up any way, aren’t you? oh god. you are. : /

 

 

the blind leading the blind (part 127):

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1. just keep pretending everything’s ok… even though it totally isn’t.

 

2. sometimes all a mom can say via text is: ‘call your therapist’ and it really is the best & only advice she can give.

 

3. when dining alone at a sushi restaurant, always sit at the sushi bar and pretend you’re on a date with the guy you’re wedged in next to… even if he is someone elses husband.

 

4. bacon is always good as long it’s cooked the way you want it. Whereas sausage is a gamble even if it’s cooked perfectly.

 

5. long distance relationships aren’t real relationships. i should know, i’m in one.

 

6. start referring to erect penis’ as (misplaced) unicorn horns. it’s so much more mystical.

 

7. saying ‘that was my stomach’ in a panic after your stomach growls is WAY worse than saying nothing at all. I mean, what else would it have been? This advice of keeping your mouth shut and not explaining yourself ALSO applies in the following scenarios: 1. your chair is squeaking/makes a weird sound when you move and when you try to recreate the sound while saying ‘it was the chair’ but then the chair doesn’t make the sound again. and 2. stepping on a weird part of a wood floor and again trying to recreate the squeak while explaining yourself to no avail. Just let it be.

 

8. knowing what NOT to tweet is even MORE important than what you actually decide to tweet.

 

9. getting married is the new ‘i don’t believe in marriage.’ we’ve done and seen it all! some things work, other things don’t. just jump in! so what if you get divorced in 7 years? at least you did it! monogamy is the new ‘wylin out’ or whatever that horrible pop culture phrase was when it was. plus, all that really matters as a woman is who you decide to have a baby with. that’s what needs to be the most precious decision. not marriage.

 

10. dear drivers, when you get in your car and i’m waiting for your parking spot, don’t sit in your car forever! or at least let me know if you don’t plan on leaving immediately instead of avoiding eye contact with me, pretending not to hear my horn honking, or just being completely un self-aware in general! we’re all in this together. we need to communicate!!! … unless it’s me. in which case; leave me alone. i’m probably figuring out how to get to my next destination, eating a sandwich, instagramming, and/or texting with everyone i know. so beat it. i am allowed to be here no matter how scarce parking is! for the love of god, i’m not giving up this spot. and if you keep honking, i’ll just get out and go back inside the supermarket or whatever establishment i came from and risk you keying my car.

the blind leading the blind (part 126):

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1. after having sex while on your period & your inner thighs are covered in blood; i think a funny thing to do would be to start screaming “My baby! My baby! What have you done with my baby?”

2. probably best to just take off your necklace BEFORE giving the blowjob… cuz it’s GONNA be an issue, so you may as well save yourself the trouble.

3. just accept the fact that every single place that serves food is FILTHY!

4. it’s so much more special when the audiobook is read by the author.

5. there should be a channel that ONLY plays FRIENDS #calmingtelevision

6. try to express your love for your significant other the way i do by saying something along the lines of: “even though nobody else does, I love you… but that could change at any moment.”  I know that might sound mean, but trust me… you’ve got em RIGHT where you want em.

7. sometimes I look back at ALL the men I’ve slept with & think “It’s a miracle I don’t have AIDS or an STD!” If your an ex boyfriend of mine, this isn’t about you… I’m talking about all the guys I slept with in between the actual guys that mattered.

8. if the guy you’re dating buys one ply toilet paper, break up with him immediately. clearly he doesn’t care about HIMSELF, so how could he possibly care about YOU?!

9. Facebook is so O V E R.

10. if he’s in his thirties and your boyfriend is starting physical fights with people after a few drinks… someone needs to hit his reset button and remind him that he’s an adult and not a cast member on real housewives of Atlanta. adults don’t brawl. we use our BRAINS and ignore trivial losers we want to punch.

A Meditation on Valentine’s Day from IMBOYCRAZY.COM

1. DO have bloody crime scene sex if you’re having your period, but REALLY want to sleep with the boy of your dreams. if he’s a man, he can totally handle it and won’t give a FUCK!

2. Shave your legs, even if you don’t have a date, a life, a man, or plans in general. you NEVER know what’s gonna happen! YES, we all know the urban legend that says good things happen when we FORGET to shave our legs… but come on ladies, just fucking shave them. it’s valentine’s day. do it for YOU!

3. keep you’re vadge neatly coiffed! again, even if you don’t plan on having your privates licked, fondled, or visible in any way, shape, or form… this is for you. it’s always nice to keep yourself in tip top shape! look good feel good. cuz you can! and besides, WHO knows who could end up down there. even if its just YOU touching yourself, it’s a nice gesture.

4. NO sweatpants. technically ever! but especially TODAY!

5. if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends (boys and girls), go out, and have a dance party!

6. yes, even though it’s valentine’s day, DO go on a first date or a blind date. no, it isn’t too intense JUST because it’s valentines day. chillax. it’s just a day with no real meaning, other than an excuse to get dressed up, be fucked, eat chocolate, get flowers, feel lonely, and/or talk about love with your friends. choose the fun choices dum dum! it’s not such a big deal!

7. Buy YOURSELF flowers! I do it ALL the time!

8. if you’re single, stay home and have a movie marathon! watch these movies/TV shows: valley girl, moonstruck, flash dance, before sunset, before sunrise, Annie hall, Manhattan, when harry met sally, dazed and confused, truth or dare, the devil wears prada, sex and the city (the tv show, NOT the movies) THEN: take a bubble bath, light a candle, moisturize, touch yourself until you make yourself cum, and then doze off. personally, i like to call this ‘monday’.

9. it’s: ‘Valentine’s Day’! NOT : ‘Valen-TIMES day’! what’s up with the popularity of this mispronunciation lately? is there some new rap song to blame for this? and if so, send me the link!

10. alternate: if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends, STAY IN and blab about life, boys, sex/watch movies, etc. remember slumber parties?! yeah, they’re fucking great!

11. yes, i strongly encourage you to see the bieber movie or ‘no strings attached’ alone on valentines day! yeah, i said it! why the fuck not? just don’t buy too much candy. one small popcorn, no butter and one chice of candy TOPS! may i suggest: red vines, peanut m&ms, or gummy bears? you’re welcome in advance! xo

12. yes, have so much sex you can barely walk the next day. if this involves flying to visit a boy you met on new years eve with long hair and is younger than you, i completely back up that choice. wait, can you tell i’m talking about me?

13. if you have your period and the dude knows it and still wants to lick your p**sy, you are the luckiest girl in the world. PS: the dude is no longer to be considered a boy. he is a gnarly, badass, sexy, MAN. like out of an 8o’s movie or something.

14. let the dude pay. you’re a woman, he’s the dude, AND its mother fucking valentine’s day. it may be 2014, but we have to find the perfect balance between old school and new school values. more on that later.

15. get a manicure pedicure.

16. wear matching undies. i suggest shopping at la perla. it’s uber expensive, but soo beautiful. the only bummer is when you realize you spent like $300 on a matching bra and panty set, and the boy who’s taking them off you couldn’t care less what your bra and undies look like, unless they were like stained granny undies or something way gross like that- then he’d notice, but other than that: he just wants to get your boobs in his mouth and his privates deep in your privates.

17. kiss sooo much that his 5 o’clock shadow gives you an intense dose of microdermabrasion! you can just tell people you got wind burn. or do what i do and say to anyone whose path you cross: ‘oh my god, i totally made out soo much that the boys facial hair took off a layer of my face! do i look like a monster? no, don’t answer! i already know the answer to that question. happy valentines day’!

18. let your boyfriend cook you dinner. PS: it’s totally OK to eat carbohydrates tonight, cuz you’re gonna need the energy and will burn it all off during your super epic intense sex sesh!

19. play spin the bottle! (even if you’re alone. just sit in front of a mirror and spin. that. bottle.)

20. read Kelly cutrone’s book: ‘if you have to cry, go outside- and other things your mother never told you.’ it’s so fucking epic and inspiring!

21. get a massage. this day could be just another day..OR you could use it as an excuse to do nice things for yourself and feel girly and sexy.

22. go to a Korean naked spa. however, don’t go if you are having your period. that’s just plain rude/disrespectful.

23. drink lots of tea!

24. organize your closet.

25. write a list for yourself that describes the kind of man/boy and type of relationship you’re looking for/hoping to find!

26. call your mom and say hello!

27. text everyone you know and wish them a happy valentines day.

28. if you’re single and you see a cute dude at a bar/club/what have you, use ‘happy valentine’s day’ as the perfect conversation starter!

29. dear mistletoe, what the fuck?! way to abandon the world RIGHT when we need you most! so, you’re available around Christmas time- but you’re nowhere to be found on valentine’s day when we could really use the make-out help/wing-man esque assistance you provide? thanks for nothing!

30. love yourself. cuz if you don’t, why should anyone else? you attract people operating on the same level as yourself/people who match your mind-frame. so let’s keep your own personal bar of self respect and love super high! cuz if you don’t…. just imagine the creeps you’re gonna attract. creeps who will only like you/treat you as much as you like/treat yourself.

31. read all of my past blog entries! they will only make you feel BETTER! i promise!

32. this also goes for my podcasts! Boycrazy Radio’ will at least DISTRACT you if you’re feeling down! (click HERE to find it on i-tunes)

33. for the love of god: WEAR SOMETHING SEXY!

34. go on a bike ride in a short skirt. be aware of predators and rapists. avoid them at all costs and continue your ride. pedal faster if you have to!

35 remember: you are never alone. i love you.

the blind leading the blind (part 125):

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1. Don’t be apologetic about driving a Prius, be apologetic about driving any other car!

2. If someone asks you if you cut your own bangs, punch them in the face.

3. Violence is never the answer! What were you thinking? Use your brain and your words, NOT your fists!

4. Dear masseuse, shhhhh, I’m not paying you to talk. YOU’RE RUINING MY ENTIRE EXPERIENCE!!!

5. Silently acknowledge that anyone in your presence who uses the word ‘dope’ (i was shocked to discover people still do, but they fucking DO!) has got to go… including you, if it’s you.

6. If you (i) just stopped watching all the horrible shows you (i) waste a huge amount of time/chunk of my life watching… you (i) could get some really amazing things accomplished.

7. I don’t care what your friend says, i don’t think you should take adderal and then get into a hot bath!

8. Being a girl alone at home depot gives me exactly the same feeling as when I’m alone at guitar center… out of place, slightly uncomfortable, and judged by men… but once you get past that, it’s PURE HEAVEN!

9. Framing something as a ‘dream’ is the perfect way of bringing up uncomfortable topics with your boyfriend. For example: “I had the craziest dream you cheated on me. Isn’t that, um, weird?” or “I had the worst dream ever! You were texting with your ex and being all like ‘I miss you’. Do you, like, do that?”

10. Going out when you’re not feeling your best is WAY worse than staying in and missing the party! As long as no one can see you, you could be having the best time in the world and nobody knows that you’re actually home alone with a facial mask on, watching bravo, binge eating and feeling like shit.

the blind leading the blind (part 124):

1000w-2

 

1. Home depot is dude mecca! And home owners to boot! who knew?! i do. and you do too now.

2. Just accept the fact that if you’re young, sexy, and/or fucking a ton- the sheets on your bed are gonna get MESSED UP and you’re gonna have to buy more! DUH! But relaxxx, that’s what Target’s FOR!!

3. For a MOMENT i experienced brief clarity and thought: “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean i have to be perfect all the time & constantly struggle to live up to unrealistic expectations! I am a HUMAN BEING!!! I’m allowed to be imperfect and flawed just like men are, and still consider myself worthy of LOVE.” and then, just as quickly as it had begun, i snapped out of it and came back to my senses and thought ‘nahhh, don’t be crazy!’ And continued applying my makeup.

4. Don’t grow up! It’s a trick!

5. There are two types of people, those who call them freckles & those who call it sun damage… which is what it REALLY is.

6. One of the most important things you can do before going on a date is to make sure to tweeze any rogue hairs growing out of your boobs that you weren’t even aware of. Just look down I BEG OF YOU! you’ll be blown away/so glad you did! you’re welcome.

7. Putting stuff off actually makes you feel worse. It seems like you’re getting off the hook and on vacation… but you’d feel so much better if you rose to the occasion and did something that challenged you and came out the other side stronger.

8. As long as the number of creepy, ugly, letchy, loser, unworthy assholes you’ve slept with is LESS than the number of creepy, ugly, unworthy, asshole, loser guys you COULD have slept with, but didn’t… you’re in the clear! At least that’s what i keep telling myself.

9. Just like YOU don’t like everyone, not everyone is going to like you. Let these assholes inspire you to be great. Fuck them (figuratively not literally)! But i suppose the better advice would be: have compassionate detachment for these people. Let it go. The anger and hatred and defensive attitude you have for someone else only lives in and hurts YOU! Let it go! Be honored you made enough if an impression on someone for them to hate you. And let someone else matter so little to you that  you feel NOTHING for them. NOTHING!

10. Write a list of all the people you can’t stand and all the people who can’t stand you and burn it (over a sink- don’t burn your fucking house down or anything) and release them, they no longer have any power over you!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

FOR MORE OF THESE ‘THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND’ LISTS, CLICK HERE

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY

the blind leading the blind (part 123):

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1. always be refreshing… be it your Instagram likes, your twitter, your facebook, or your vagina.

2. single girls who are too lazy to put pants on and leave the house: Lifetime is where it’s at! one unfamiliar, poorly acted, ridiculous Christmas movie after the next!

3. people who have unprotected sex are either: very in love, super lazy, really stupid, or all of the above.

4. girls: just accept the fact that guys don’t like going to the doctor. This doesn’t mean that their not going to the doctor is okay, it just means that you shouldn’t feel alone in the fact that you are utterly annoyed and feel disrespected by your boyfriend or the guy you’re dating’s laziness/not getting tested for std’s or even just checking out the weird growths, moles, and/or rashes on his body. men are simple and lazy. even the extraordinary, successful ones. when it comes to going to the doctor, they are lazy jerks with a bizarre mental block up. we women are so much more on top of the details of life- in making sure things are safe and sound. so, know this and don’t get angry. instead, just schedule him an appt, withhold sex, and be ok bossing him around and forcefully cajoling him into doing what is right- as if you were his mom. unfortunately, after discussing this with numerous girls, i’ve learned that this is totally normal. yes, it’s annoying and exhausting, but completely normal and not unheard of. know for sure that many other girls are experiencing your same frustration and found they just had to be tough and make tests and doc appointments happen. you are not alone.  just get it done.

5. one time something happened. hopefully it was or wasn’t to you.

6. not doing drugs is the new doing drugs. addiction is embarrassing and for weak losers.

7. girls, wear a fucking bra! i don’t care if you’re an A cup! do it! if only to protect yourself from having bizarro misshapen egg boobs down the road. besides, lingerie is awesome! it’s s one more layer to peel off before sex, is super pretty, AND makes you feel sexy!

8. when watching real housewives of beverly hills, vanderpump rules, real housewives of atlanta, shahs of sunset, total divas, courtney loves dallas, or whatever other shit reality programs you’re addicted to… think about how many hours of valuable time you’re wasting. you could be making something, working, meeting actual people, writing, daydreaming, planing your future, going on a date, singing, drawing, having an adventure, bettering your life, or at least drinking and masturbating.

9. the level of loser you are can be determined by your excitement when getting a direct message on twitter. I’m a level 10. : (

10. oh god! please let this work:

(THIS IS WHAT I ACTUALLY NEED AND TRULY DESIRE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!)

 

TYPO PRODUCTS – iPhone Keyboard Case from Typo on Vimeo.

the blind leading the blind (part 122):

1000w-3

 

1. when in a relationship, remember: there’s probably somebody WAY better out there for you who you’ll never meet because you’re stuck with THAT loser.

2. dear fat, disgusting family with morbidly obese eight year olds in tow, who are all standing in my way at yogurtland, sampling all the flavors,  licking their fingers and then touching the spigots with their grimy fingers and sample cups… GET OUTTA HERE!

3. people fall into two categories: people who use the word ‘delicious’ to describe anything other than food and people who use the word ‘delicious ‘ when it’s appropriate, never!

4. turns out, Isla Fisher and Amy Adams AREN’T the same person.

5. boobytrap spelled backwards is ‘partyboob’.

6. being a recluse/shut in is way less impressive or extreme nowadays. after all, there’s no real reason to leave your house anymore anyways, what with online shopping, delivery, and everything you need being at the tips of your fingers: movies, socializing, food, clothing, etc. sorry asshole, it’s time to come up with a NEW extreme character trait that gives you an identity!

7. turns out, Amanda Peet and Jennifer Garner AREN’T the same person.

8. please, no more insta accounts for your dog! it’s embarrassing and not ok! you barely need one for yourself, let alone your dog!

9. people fall into two categories: people who refer to themselves and others as ‘foodies’ and people who aren’t gross dorks.

10. not being on facebook, twitter, and/or insta is the NEW recluse.

 

PS: FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY

 

PPS: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ IS CANCELED TONIGHT & WILL RETURN WED. JANUARY 8, 2014 @ 9PM PST! BE THERE & CALL IN!


PPPS: Gawd i LOVE Jennifer Lawrence! she’s SUCH a LIKEABLE BADASS! xoxo

the blind leading the blind (part 121):

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1. watching tv when you wake up means one of the following: you have failed at life, you’re deathly ill, you’re so successful you can act like you’ve failed at life for a day and it won’t stress you out.

 

2. compose your email BEFORE  you fill in who you wanna send it to! this will save you lots of future embarrassment. i PROMISE you!

 

3. ‘no’ is the second best answer after ‘yes’. at least that’s what my agent keeps telling me.

 

4. there’s nothing better than the stress diet!

 

5. a casual acquaintance might ‘like’ a photo of yours on Facebook, but a TRUE friend likes your photo on Instagram, Facebook, tumbler, AND Twitter.

 

6. beautiful young girls in LA: beware of creepy, letchy,  lurker dudes who prey upon the young & naive. Typically these men linger during the day at LA hotspots such as: Erewhon, m cafe, urth cafe on Melrose, and whole foods on Santa Monica & Fairfax. These are their chosen spots because they draw in young, naive girls who have just moved to town, are aspiring model/actress’s (mattress’s), who are healthy, possibly vegan, and above all else – weight & image conscious. Good luck.

 

7. never vent to your boyfriend’s friends about your boyfriend. no matter how close you think you are to them, they are HIS friends FIRST!

 

8. when in need of a gentle exfollient, but you’ve run out of your supply, try simple white sugar. not powdered, not sugar in the raw, not cubed… just plain old, normal packet white sugar.

 

9. when somebody goes over to your house and uses your bathroom, before you use your bathroom after they leave, use Lysol wipes to disinfect the toilet seat and the toilet. Also, throw the towels they used in the hamper before you even think about using them. And it wouldn’t hurt to change the head of your toothbrush or throw away your toothbrush in general. You can never be too safe, friends or not. #trustnoone

 

10. dear target, could you please start ripping off La Perla instead of Victoria’s Secret? That would really help out my life!

the blind leading the blind (part 120):

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1. every time you make-out and or sex a dude, you take the chance of him not calling you after…ever again. can you live with that?

2. it’s one thing to be witty and clever and another to be sarcastic! sarcasm is unresolved rage and is ALWAYS at the expense of someone else.

3. start referring to ALL eating as BINGE eating. it’s hilarious, even if only to you, and will always make you feel like you’re eating way less.

4. stop being so much braver behind the protection of a text or a computer screen and not being able to live up to it in real life. it’s embarrassing.

5. you know you’re cold is pretty severe when you can’t even bring yourself to masturbate.

6. i’m sorry, did you just ask me if you should hide your ugg boots? yes, you should… in the garbage.

7. dear monster face, it’s called retin a. Look into it.

8. dudes: stop sending vague texts to girls you like. Man up, be brave and direct and ask her out specifically! for example: “what are you doing on Thursday? we should hang out.” girls love this! trust me! do it!

9. asking someone to follow you be it on twitter, insta, or facebook doesn’t count. If they do, it’s a cheapened follow.

10. girls: always realize – guys are never as complex or thinking as much as we (girls) are about the minute details of the minutia in our relationship.



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