the blind leading the blind (part 137):

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1. don’t treat people like a priority who treat you like an option.

 

2. use your most humiliating, shameful experiences in your work OR throw yourself into work to distract yourself from thinking about your insanely embarrassing experience. that’s what I’M doing right now.

 

3. if he gives you a urinary tract infection… he’s a keeper!

 

4. its interesting to me. if you care or THINK you care about a friend of yours and feel the need to defend them, as though it’s your responsibility to make your presence and the ‘threat of you’ known if someone were to ‘fuck’ with your friend, take a moment to consider that that might come off as more insulting to your friend and the person in their life, than helpful. maybe worry about yourself, join alanon, or just not have such a huge ego that you feel threatened/the need be the center of attention or the savior. when you enmesh yourself in a couple’s relationship and cause a problem that never existed, how does that make you a friend? give your ‘friend’ the benefit of the doubt that they can take care of themselves and aren’t weak/incapable.  maybe you should focus on your own problems. of which there are plenty, i’m sure.

 

5. use ‘i am a ghost’ as your new  mantra. the other night i was feeling very moody, alone, misunderstood, and judged while amongst my closest friends – during what was disguised as a fun night out on the town (albeit forced). in order to get over my sensitive, moody moment, I thought to myself “I am a ghost” as if I were already dead / not here anymore, so nothing really matters anyways and shouldn’t be taken so seriously.

 

6. look around you. actually look at and acknowledge all the people doing the jobs you would NEVER even want to CONSIDER doing. notice how gracefully they do those jobs. notice that, and be grateful for all you have and try, just TRY to be empathetic and loving towards those trying to earn money and survive the best they can. push your ego aside and be nice and not so fucking judgemental, if only for a moment. if only because you’re glad it’s not YOU.

 

7. hey, if you’re too poor to afford a REAL leather jacket or purse – get a fake one at forever 21 and tell your friends it’s cuz you love animals. they don’t have to know you don’t. they’ll just be happy you don’t like little kids. the little kids in the sweatshop who made your designer imposter clutch. you’re welcome. i want you to FASHIONABLY FLOURISH.

 

8. you’re racist. you think you aren’t, but you are. it’s disgusting.

 

9. just because your father made you, doesn’t mean he’s NOT a toxic piece of projecting shit that you should cut out of your life. cut that piece of shit mother fucker out of your life. i mean, that’s what i did. but, like, we’re all different. if this is not the case for you… can i come over to YOUR house for thanksgiving? i eat meat, love kids, and have a real leather purse.

 

10. i don’t care what everyone ELSE says about you, I love you.

the blind leading the blind (part 136):

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1. sometimes the most important thing is knowing who NOT to take advice from.

 

2. when you’re stressing out cuz your latest crush or object of your affection is not texting you, REMEMBER, there are a SLEW of other men who also have your phone number who are also not texting you.

 

3. when dating someone new, talk about babies, marriage, your expectation of him sending you flowers / buying you presents / wanting to meet his family & vice versa / and any and all of your expectations of him in general – not because you mean any of those things, but because it’s fun to torture men and see how much you can throw at them to see if they’ll stay. he won’t.

 

4. you know how it seems like you are so much more attractive when you’re in a relationship? it’s cuz you feel secure and spoken for and the opposite of desperate. one of the most important things after a breakup is to hold on to the confidence and sense of security you had while you were in the relationship and carry it in to your single life. this makes you much more attractive and grounded in yourself.

 

5. if you’re feeling low about living in a tiny apt, start referring to it as your ‘pied à terre’. it’s so much more chic and an instant spirit lifter!

 

6. don’t worry! you can always just secretly get pregnant!

 

7. don’t feel guilty about it. it’s completely natural and normal… and i feel the same way. I know I shouldn’t be, I KNOW I shouldn’t be, but I’m SO attracted 2 men in range rovers!

 

8. “love, when it hits us for real, has a half-life of forever.” -junot diaz

 

9. if you sit in front of your laptop with photo booth open, you’re never really alone.

 

10. girls, be careful with your drinking. learn from those who have made mistakes before you, so you can avoid the same mistakes. here’s one specific tip: don’t try to finish your drink as quickly as possible when you’re leaving a party/bar. it can really send you over the edge. here’s why: girls are different from men. our body’s don’t metabolize alcohol the same way. we’re way more delicate. and drinking alcohol quickly is very dangerous; it spikes your blood alcohol level rapidly and can cause you to black out or have fuzzy patches/amnesia the next day. even if you’re drinking no more than usual. even if it’s only 2-3 drinks (which is my norm because i usually drink on a full stomach and I’m 5’11, but that’s just me). how much you’ve eaten, how tall you are, how much you weigh, and how quickly you drink can REALLY affect you. so drink slow, have water after each drink, make sure you’re drinking on a full stomach, and be careful. you don’t want to suffer from a next day shame spiral of what you said, did, or how you came across. but more importantly, you don’t want to find yourself in a cosby-esque situation, or hurting yourself or someone else. so be careful and be mindful. but if you do have a bad night and it’s out of the norm and you are lucky enough to wake up the next day safe and sound (after having taken an uber), be thankful that all you’re worried about is potentially having said dumb things loudly. at least you’re alive! instead, use this as an opportunity to reevaluate how you take precautions to protect yourself from something like this happening in the future. take a break from drinking for a bit. but at the same time, don’t shame / guilt yourself too hard. after all, you’re only human and life happens. just be safe and use this life experiences to guide you and teach you about what you do and don’t want for yourself.

the blind leading the blind (part 135):

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1. tv matters so much to people & particularly kids, because it’s consistent & dependable. especially when your home life isn’t.

 

2. if you don’t have a boyfriend and you’re lonely, just reframe the relationships you DO have in your life! just pretend your platonic male bff is your boyfriend, at least until you find the NEXT boy of your dreams. celebrate your platonic relationships you have. they’re just as important, interesting, special, and beneficial… minus the penetration.

 

3. girls: please get the period tracker application and then send screen grabs of your menstruation calendar to all your closest friends, family, coworkers, and boyfriends so they can know when & why you’re acting like a crazy loon.

 

4.if you always do what you want to do. you can never really have regrets.

 

5.don’t get a cat, get your period, put a tampon inside you; which is essentially a string hanging out of your vagina, then go to bed with no undies on, ABOVE the covers, with your legs apart. this is a recipe for disaster. you see where I’m going with this, don’t you? just don’t do it.

 

6. what if the cure for cancer is trapped inside the mind of someone who can’t afford an education?

 

7. last night WAS fun! relax!

 

8. start referring to driving your own car somewhere as ‘ubering yourself’.

 

9. don’t cry cuz it’s over, laugh cuz it happened.

 

10. don’t make important decisions on your period or a full moon… like i do. : /

 

 

the blind leading the blind (part 134):

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1. in case you don’t know: the whole POINT of instagram isn’t to connect and share in an honest way with people. no! not at all! it’s to give the impression that you’re living a fun, super exciting, upbeat lifestyle and to make other people feel bad about themselves cuz you’re clearly BETTER & winning at life – even though you’re ACTUALLY probably secretly miserable and on the verge of killing yourself. just wanted to make that clear. now continue instagramming.

 

2. instead of using a tote bag, just carry your stuff around in a victoria’s secret, agent provocateur, or la perla shopping bag- depending on how high brow you are. although i truly feel that a victoria’s secret bag is the better choice because it’s more universal. it’s the McDonald’s of lingerie and will therefore make men objectify you much quicker because they will immediately identify the brand, start to wonder what’s in your bag & imagine you in a bra and undies. you’re welcome!

 

3. helvetica bold is so classic and simple. i really don’t see it going out of style. I just don’t.

 

4. hair serum? should you use it? i mean, if you have it… why wouldn’t you?!

 

5. please be mindful of gossiping. it actually has way more of a negative power than you know. you may think you’re ‘just venting’ or that you want to be entertaining, and it’s all you have to share… but gossiping about other people’s personal life matters not only affects/breaks the trust and respect between you and the persons whose personal life you’re sharing… but it also puts all that gossipy poison into the mind of someone else. someone else who may not even want to carry that stressful weight. so mind your mouth and don’t fucking gossip. that way you don’t have to worry the next day about whether or not people are mad at you/if the person you gossiped about found out and is pissed. NOT gossiping will make people feel safe with you. they’ll feel like you’re trustworthy, because you’re able to keep secrets. AND it will keep others from breaking out in hives from the emotional weight and stress you’ve dumped on them.

 

6.  only have sex with guys in hotel rooms! personally, I’m gonna take my own advice on this because I’m SO sick of having to take down my dream catcher, vision board, and fashion mag collages that will almost definitely scare away any good guy!

 

7. please, more house parties!

 

8. friends don’t let friends get tubby. unless you’re morbidly obese. in which case, gettin ‘tubby’ is a step in the right direction. good for you tubster!

 

9. people fall into two categories: those who drive pt cruisers and those who have a kernel of self-awareness. #BabyBoot #MiniHearse #BadLook #SorryMom

 

10. please, no costume parties unless its Halloween!

 

For more ‘The Blind Leading The Blind’ click HERE

 

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the blind leading the blind (part 133):

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1. Don’t assume people look at your insta! One of the most annoying things is when you’re talking to someone in real-time, in real life and they say something like ‘oh, but you probably already know that cuz you saw it on my insta’. um what? fuck you! who the fuck do you think you are? what do you think the world has become?! i know it’s fucked up and we are more alive online than in person, but i don’t want to live my life like that and i sure as hell don’t want to hang with an annoying narcissistic poseur who assumes everyone’s following their insta stream with bated breath. so shut the fuck up kid and just tell me what’s going on/your story without the assumption I’ve liked it on your fed you piece of shit! 

2. Cab drivers will ALWAYS give better advice than an uber driver. SPECIFICALLY, New York cab drivers. 

3. No matter how fat, ugly and repulsive you think you are (and you very well might be right), i promise: SOMEONE out there wants to fuck you. I don’t know why and I don’t know when… but it’s true. So THAT should put your mind at ease, at least for a moment. 

4. If you don’t have a mirror, just turn your camera on and reverse the camera. Duh! 

5. Only pay when you’re out with your boyfriend when you’re mad at him. This will make him more appreciative when he’s paying.

6. The minute you stop being afraid of carbs: rice, potatoes, bread, etc… Is the minute it will stop making you gain weight. It’s OK to eat carbs. Except you, fatty. You should stick to salads for a while. 

7. You never really know who you’re dating. So either accept that, or stay alone forever.

8. If he stays too long with his ex and overlaps the ending of his toxic relationship with the beginning of his new relationship with you… He will probably do the same to you. But let him prove you wrong. I mean, the sex is too good to just walk away & be overly logical! 

9. You’ve probably walked past at least one murderer today. Scary.

10. Of course you should put hair serum on your cats coat, this is Hollywood!

the blind leading the blind (part 132):

 

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1. if your ex-boyfriend is texting you more than your current boyfriend… there’ s a problem.

 

2. everyone keeps saying, ‘people who post selfies are narcissist fucks’… NOT TRUE! The TRUTH is, if you DON’T post selfies, it means you don’t like yourself. Glad we solved that one! Phew! Now let’s all lean towards self esteem!

3. if you are one of those people who has an application that alerts you to who unfollows you on insta or twitter, you are a loser.

 

4. if you are one of those people who has an application that alers you to who unfollowed you on insta or twitter and then you confront the person who unfollowed you about it, i have no words for how embarrassing you are.

 

5. spotify is a million times better than pandora. but you know that already… right?

 

6. dear erewhon and all other deli sections of supermarkets: don’t let the handles of the ladles and tongs, that you grab with your bare hands, touch the food it sits in! it’s disgusting!!! And ps: you’re supposed to be wearing gloves!!! GLOVES!!!

 

7. yes, you are SO right! shaving your bikini line is WAY cheaper than getting waxed at a profesh salon! but razor burn isn’t sexy and doesn’t create an atmosphere someone wants to bury their face in… ya know?

 

8. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite, says a lot about you. mine is svu. oh no!

 

9. if you subconsciously feel like you’re doing your boyfriend a favor by being with him,that’s a relationship you should get out of. your poor boyfriend.

 

10. cats would be so much cooler if they gave massages & did the dishes. i mean, i feel like all i do is feed the thing, go out of my way to entertain it & then try my hardest to NOT be attacked.

 

the blind leading the blind (part 131):

petra-collins3

 

1. if the most exciting thing in your life is that you forgot you posted a pic on insta and now you’re excited to check and see how many likes and comments you received… you are leading an extremely  weak life.

 

2. girls. although i can see why it might be fun and add a sense of urgency and excitement to your life; running out of tampons and waiting until you’re actually having your period – to the point of leaking – to run to the drugstore to buy more tampons, is an embarrassing accident waiting to happen.

 

3. prefer surface streets.

 

4. new goal, try to exhaust your boyfriend less this week.

 

5. cab drivers, especially the ones in New York, will always give better advice than any uber driver ever could.

 

6. guys! make spotify playlists for the girl you like! it’s SO romantic and so EASY! wake up! for the love of god, do SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

 

7. never text the director of the film you’re watching while you are watching it. it will only annoy him and garner a response like ‘stop texting and watch!’

 

8.  at some point in your relationship, in order to get to the next level and graduate to real intimacy, you MUST surrender to trusting the person you’re with and believing that they love you, won’t hurt you, and mean what they say. you might even think you’re doing that with the person you’re with now, but look closely at yourself. take a moment to think about how you feel. are you always mad at him? do you start fights for no reason; to push him away? to test him? do you get jealous for no real reason other than the fact that you assume the worst – even though he hasn’t done anything except follow a person of the opposite sex on instagram? take all of this into consideration and ask yourself ‘do i still have one foot in and one foot out? do i still doubt him? do i still have him at arms distance, but it’s so subconscious i don’t even realize it?’ just think about it.

 

9. let’s bring the word ‘queer’ back! it’s so much more colorful than ‘bisexual’ or ‘gay’. plus it’s so fun to say and makes me feel all squirmy and alive! just try it! let me know how it makes YOU feel! even the facial responses you’ll get after making the decision to use this word instead of another are fun to watch. #yolo

 

10. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite says a LOT about you. my favorite is svu. : /

 

the blind leading the blind (part 130):

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1. if he’s never posted a photo of you on Instagram during your relationship, but you have… you love him more.

 

2. sometimes the only requirements for a girl thinking a guy’s a creep is her knowing that you like her, and her not being attracted to you. but throw in bad shoes, an outdated wallet, a bizare facial hair choice, bad breath… and the dude goes NEXT level and graduates to a SUPER creep lurker!

 

3. if no one will be his girlfriend and the dude keeps venting about it, wondering why girls don’t want to be his gf and only want to be friends with him after two or 3 dates… you can be sure he has a tiny dick. be it a nubbin, a mushroom, or skinny like a pencil… it’s the dudes disappointing private that’s to blame for his predicament. but it’s ALWAYS the one thing he never considers or brings up.

 

4. when you know a relationship is coming to an end, start deleting all the Instagram evidence of it ever existing.

 

5. sometimes all you REALLY need is a polish change, and not the whole mani pedi. faster, cheaper, and WAY less boring to sit through!

 

6. if you get along better when you text then you do when you actually speak on the phone, there’s a problem.

 

7. never shoot up (photographically speaking) on a woman. this will only ever be a horrible, unflattering angle for a woman. no matter how beautiful she might be; no matter how ‘great’ a photographer you think you might be… shoot from above. even if only just slightly. trust me.

 

8.  if you’re always disappointed by him, it’s not his fault anymore, it’s YOURS for staying with him.

 

9. eating bananas in public is one of the most embarrassing things you’ll ever do… if you’re a completely boring pussy.

 

10. dear masseuse with very hairy arms: your arm hair is in my mouth.

 

the blind leading the blind (part 129):

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1. while on the plane, en route to visit the boyfriend you’re in a long distance relationship with, it’s very important you do your kegel exercises.

 

2. if you can combine fighting with your boyfriend with being stressed out about work, you’ll be on the most effective weight loss plan possible!

 

3. if you can’t stand the thought of her with another guy, then you better fight for her.

 

4. if you’re wanting to see him stresses him out, he doesn’t love you as much as you want him to.

 

5. when the losses and the gains blur, it’s probably over.

 

6. when you lose hope and faith in the relationship, it’s over.

 

7. if you’re always waiting on someone elses terms & time frame, it’s exhausting and the relationship is imbalanced.

 

8. a man whose life is dictated by his cats, is a man you don’t want to be with.

 

9. you know you had a horrible trip if you didn’t take a single picture… OR you were living in the moment… In MY case, it was a series of horrible moments.

 

10. the best and saddest thing about breaking up with someone you’ve been dating long distance is that, once it’s over, there is a 99% chance you will never run into them again.

the blind leading the blind (part 128):

33-Petra-Collins

 

1. some people love new car smell. some people HATE new car smell because they say it’s the smell of toxic chemicals. the latter are technically correct, but fuck them! i just got a new car you snobby uptight hippy! take the bus!

2. when adopting a kitten at an animal shelter, ask yourself this question “how likable will the kitty be on Instagram?” then choose the one who will garner the most ‘likes’.  there’s a lot of competition out there!

3. wearing boyfriend jeans will keep you from having a boyfriend. not because people actually think you’re wearing your boyfriend’s jeans, but because they look like shit.

4. jesus christ. why would anyone online date when facebook is already so overtly sexual and yet way more subtle than a dating site?

5. life is just like a really long GIF, ya know?

6. always have pretzels and ginger ale or sprite in your kitchen… because, you just never know. you never know.

7. dear women: when air furiously comes out of your vagina, when you least expect it, catching you off guard in front of the guy who was most likely the perpetrator of jamming all that air into you to begin with (OR EVEN WORSE you’re in front of the love of your life) and it’s really crazy loud and you already have an intense shame about bodily functions in general… yes, it’s the most embarrassing thing in the world. but yelling ‘that was air coming out of my vagina’ at the top of your lungs so all your neighbors, and all the other people you never wanted to include in this moment, can hear you – is NOT the answer. i know you want to make it clear that the air that just burst out of you was DEFINITELY not coming out of your bum hole and most definitely coming out of your vadge hole (because as a society we’ve somewhere, somehow decided that this hole is way less gross. and we’re right. besides, you don’t even have an asshole anymore, remember? why would you? you had it sewed up years ago, since you have no use for it at all and don’t do that.) but maybe bursting into tears and yelling a narrative of whats just spewed from your insides is not quite the answer either. let’s find a happy medium, shall we? maybe just whisper. like your pussy did. xx

8. try to incorporate tights into your wardrobe this week. black, navy, or mock.

9. at the end of ‘lost in translation’, when bill murray whispers into scarlet johanson’s ear and you can’t hear what he says… i found out he said this “well, i have to be going now. but i’m not going to let that come between us.”  this isn’t advice, but it may fill a void.

10. men are simple. at least more simple than girls are. please, for their sake and yours, don’t bring up all the intricacies of your mind; “are you mad at me?” “are you ok? you seem weird.” “i feel like you don’t like me or something.” “what’s wrong?” “you’re so quiet. what’s THAT all about?” “are you guys all hanging out without me?” “that last phone call was all weird, i was really out of it, um, now i’m all self-conscious. ugh. you don’t hate me now do you? oh god. this is probably so annoying isn’t it? i’m sorry. i’m just feeling really weird and i wanna make sure we’re ok. so, like, we’re ok… right?”

THAT’s the shit that will frustrate/annoy the guy; not the initial, minor, non thing they he never even sensed to begin with that you’re now spiraling over. but you aren’t gonna listen to me, are you? you’re gonna bring it up any way, aren’t you? oh god. you are. : /

 

 



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