the blind leading the blind (part 139:)

by juergen

 

1. let people miss you. give them that gift.

 

2. hey stream of consciousness texters, how about you fit ALL the info you want to express in ONE chunky text! The beeps from you fucking texting me are making me hate you!

 

3.it’s ok, you’re fat. just stop hating yourself and TALKING ABOUT IT and we’ll be fine!

 

4. it doesn’t matter how much you love the jeans or how great they fit; if the denim wash sux, you CAN’T buy them. YOU JUST CAN’T!

 

5. look around you. you probably have everything you need. you’re probably indulging in food and buying things you have no need for that you might even already own. How about you start asking yourself if something is a ‘want’ vs ‘need’ before you consume consume consume. i swear to gawd, you’ll start to notice the quiet weird voice inside your head that compels you to buy stuff.

 

6. sometimes a good way to see what kind of guy/girl your dealing with is to cancel a date with them and then see how they react. You can get a real sense of how insane a person’s ego is when you cancel on them. It’s enough to make you NEVER want to reschedule!

 

7. if you’re in a long distance relationship (which aren’t real relationships anyway btw) and he only sees you 3 days a month and chooses going home to be with his cats instead of you, you should start re-evaluating your relationship and start looking for a guy who loves you & wants to be with you as much as he loves and wants to be with his cats. Actually, scratch that, NEVER date a guy with cats AGAIN! And ONLY date men who live in the same city as you!

 

8. the internet may be hurting our social skills, but it’s really improving our ability to defend ourselves in writing because we’re constantly forced to explain our misunderstood texts/tweets/fb comments/& status updates. i mean, sure we could just pick up the phone to avoid a miscommunication / diffuse the written misunderstanding in an instant… but that would be TOO easy.

 

9. a guy who wants to call a girl, and has her #, but is too shy to call her…is either an ADORABLE feeler of feelings with a sensitive heart of gold OR a total pussy. Guys: Don’t risk being mislabeled and just call the girl!

 

10. if you happen to be dating someone as insecure as you but who doesn’t respond to your insecure jokes/need for validation/moments of weakness the same accommodating way you do with theirs – instead of focusing on the fact that they can’t see the double standard in your relationship or that he may be subconsciously allergic to weakness in others/terrified by insecure needy women and the threat of being enmeshed by them like he may have been by his mother… INSTEAD, if you really like him and know how great you are, use his reaction to you when you’re needy and use the relationship as a whole as a tool to be stronger and not seek validation from a guy/a person you’re dating or anyone! ever! get out of the habit! be better! rise above the need to be reassured by someone; rise above giving someone your power. fuck this guy! fuck anyone else! sure you hope to be vulnerable and insecure and raw with the person you date, but if he can’t handle it, but you can handle his needs… be the bigger person. it will make you better and stronger and less weak. it’ll open your heart to being loving and understanding of his neediness without expecting the same in return. i mean, this doesn’t mean he’s not supportive and wonderful; i’m just referring to an aspect of men that don’t respond well/and turn off like a robot to neediness. one day, maybe he’ll soften. maybe he’ll notice the inequality. maybe he’ll laugh at your jokes that stem from insecurity, like you do with his- without taking you so seriously. but, in the end, his inability will make you stronger and provide a great opportunity and life lesson for you to retrain your brain and stop leading with insecurities. just be happy and live in the moment and know you’re great and liked and loved without having to ask/question it. pay attention to his actions. the good things he DOES do! listen to your intuition. and know your worth all on your own. be grounded in you. don’t ever walk on eggshells, but pick your battles. and never forget what your FRIENDS are for… to unload all the excess bullshit you can’t tel the person you’re dating!

 

the blind leading the blind (part 138):

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1. if your boyfriend starts responding to your texts with TLDR, it’s over.

 

2. how about you wipe the blood off your tweezers before your hot date comes over and uses your bathroom?

 

3. when you go on auditions, the goal is to sound like real people, right? can someone please tell the girls who work retail to have the same goal?

 

4. if you always sit in front of your laptop with photo booth open, you’re never really alone.

 

5. if you could take or leave seeing the person you’re dating… END IT. (same rule applies to how you feel after a 1st date)

 

6. you should never text someone if you can’t handle them NOT responding.

 

7. girls, how can you not be aware of the great disservice you’re doing to yourself when checking your phone in the dark, either at da club or just in public in general? That harsh light on your face from below is BRUTAL! BRUTAL! The goal is to give yourself the best chance/shot at life possible and not stand in your own way/be your own worst enemy. thank you.

 

8. next time your friend asks you if you know someone, just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. don’t immediately launch into a character assassination of a person they may actually really like. but if they ask you what you think of that person… that’s another story.

 

9. patience is athletic. it’s a muscle. strengthen it every chance you get.

 

10. when going on a date, no matter how trustworthy your date seems, always pack your phone charger & assume there’s a good chance you might be pushed out of the car and abandoned, or have to break free from the clutches of a mad man- in which case, you’ll need your goddamn phone charger! Isn’t dating fun?

 

the blind leading the blind (part 137):

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1. don’t treat people like a priority who treat you like an option.

 

2. use your most humiliating, shameful experiences in your work OR throw yourself into work to distract yourself from thinking about your insanely embarrassing experience. that’s what I’M doing right now.

 

3. if he gives you a urinary tract infection… he’s a keeper!

 

4. its interesting to me. if you care or THINK you care about a friend of yours and feel the need to defend them, as though it’s your responsibility to make your presence and the ‘threat of you’ known if someone were to ‘fuck’ with your friend, take a moment to consider that that might come off as more insulting to your friend and the person in their life, than helpful. maybe worry about yourself, join alanon, or just not have such a huge ego that you feel threatened/the need be the center of attention or the savior. when you enmesh yourself in a couple’s relationship and cause a problem that never existed, how does that make you a friend? give your ‘friend’ the benefit of the doubt that they can take care of themselves and aren’t weak/incapable.  maybe you should focus on your own problems. of which there are plenty, i’m sure.

 

5. use ‘i am a ghost’ as your new  mantra. the other night i was feeling very moody, alone, misunderstood, and judged while amongst my closest friends – during what was disguised as a fun night out on the town (albeit forced). in order to get over my sensitive, moody moment, I thought to myself “I am a ghost” as if I were already dead / not here anymore, so nothing really matters anyways and shouldn’t be taken so seriously.

 

6. look around you. actually look at and acknowledge all the people doing the jobs you would NEVER even want to CONSIDER doing. notice how gracefully they do those jobs. notice that, and be grateful for all you have and try, just TRY to be empathetic and loving towards those trying to earn money and survive the best they can. push your ego aside and be nice and not so fucking judgemental, if only for a moment. if only because you’re glad it’s not YOU.

 

7. hey, if you’re too poor to afford a REAL leather jacket or purse – get a fake one at forever 21 and tell your friends it’s cuz you love animals. they don’t have to know you don’t. they’ll just be happy you don’t like little kids. the little kids in the sweatshop who made your designer imposter clutch. you’re welcome. i want you to FASHIONABLY FLOURISH.

 

8. you’re racist. you think you aren’t, but you are. it’s disgusting.

 

9. just because your father made you, doesn’t mean he’s NOT a toxic piece of projecting shit that you should cut out of your life. cut that piece of shit mother fucker out of your life. i mean, that’s what i did. but, like, we’re all different. if this is not the case for you… can i come over to YOUR house for thanksgiving? i eat meat, love kids, and have a real leather purse.

 

10. i don’t care what everyone ELSE says about you, I love you.

the blind leading the blind (part 136):

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1. sometimes the most important thing is knowing who NOT to take advice from.

 

2. when you’re stressing out cuz your latest crush or object of your affection is not texting you, REMEMBER, there are a SLEW of other men who also have your phone number who are also not texting you.

 

3. when dating someone new, talk about babies, marriage, your expectation of him sending you flowers / buying you presents / wanting to meet his family & vice versa / and any and all of your expectations of him in general – not because you mean any of those things, but because it’s fun to torture men and see how much you can throw at them to see if they’ll stay. he won’t.

 

4. you know how it seems like you are so much more attractive when you’re in a relationship? it’s cuz you feel secure and spoken for and the opposite of desperate. one of the most important things after a breakup is to hold on to the confidence and sense of security you had while you were in the relationship and carry it in to your single life. this makes you much more attractive and grounded in yourself.

 

5. if you’re feeling low about living in a tiny apt, start referring to it as your ‘pied à terre’. it’s so much more chic and an instant spirit lifter!

 

6. don’t worry! you can always just secretly get pregnant!

 

7. don’t feel guilty about it. it’s completely natural and normal… and i feel the same way. I know I shouldn’t be, I KNOW I shouldn’t be, but I’m SO attracted 2 men in range rovers!

 

8. “love, when it hits us for real, has a half-life of forever.” -junot diaz

 

9. if you sit in front of your laptop with photo booth open, you’re never really alone.

 

10. girls, be careful with your drinking. learn from those who have made mistakes before you, so you can avoid the same mistakes. here’s one specific tip: don’t try to finish your drink as quickly as possible when you’re leaving a party/bar. it can really send you over the edge. here’s why: girls are different from men. our body’s don’t metabolize alcohol the same way. we’re way more delicate. and drinking alcohol quickly is very dangerous; it spikes your blood alcohol level rapidly and can cause you to black out or have fuzzy patches/amnesia the next day. even if you’re drinking no more than usual. even if it’s only 2-3 drinks (which is my norm because i usually drink on a full stomach and I’m 5’11, but that’s just me). how much you’ve eaten, how tall you are, how much you weigh, and how quickly you drink can REALLY affect you. so drink slow, have water after each drink, make sure you’re drinking on a full stomach, and be careful. you don’t want to suffer from a next day shame spiral of what you said, did, or how you came across. but more importantly, you don’t want to find yourself in a cosby-esque situation, or hurting yourself or someone else. so be careful and be mindful. but if you do have a bad night and it’s out of the norm and you are lucky enough to wake up the next day safe and sound (after having taken an uber), be thankful that all you’re worried about is potentially having said dumb things loudly. at least you’re alive! instead, use this as an opportunity to reevaluate how you take precautions to protect yourself from something like this happening in the future. take a break from drinking for a bit. but at the same time, don’t shame / guilt yourself too hard. after all, you’re only human and life happens. just be safe and use this life experiences to guide you and teach you about what you do and don’t want for yourself.

the blind leading the blind (part 135):

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1. tv matters so much to people & particularly kids, because it’s consistent & dependable. especially when your home life isn’t.

 

2. if you don’t have a boyfriend and you’re lonely, just reframe the relationships you DO have in your life! just pretend your platonic male bff is your boyfriend, at least until you find the NEXT boy of your dreams. celebrate your platonic relationships you have. they’re just as important, interesting, special, and beneficial… minus the penetration.

 

3. girls: please get the period tracker application and then send screen grabs of your menstruation calendar to all your closest friends, family, coworkers, and boyfriends so they can know when & why you’re acting like a crazy loon.

 

4.if you always do what you want to do. you can never really have regrets.

 

5.don’t get a cat, get your period, put a tampon inside you; which is essentially a string hanging out of your vagina, then go to bed with no undies on, ABOVE the covers, with your legs apart. this is a recipe for disaster. you see where I’m going with this, don’t you? just don’t do it.

 

6. what if the cure for cancer is trapped inside the mind of someone who can’t afford an education?

 

7. last night WAS fun! relax!

 

8. start referring to driving your own car somewhere as ‘ubering yourself’.

 

9. don’t cry cuz it’s over, laugh cuz it happened.

 

10. don’t make important decisions on your period or a full moon… like i do. : /

 

 

the blind leading the blind (part 134):

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1. in case you don’t know: the whole POINT of instagram isn’t to connect and share in an honest way with people. no! not at all! it’s to give the impression that you’re living a fun, super exciting, upbeat lifestyle and to make other people feel bad about themselves cuz you’re clearly BETTER & winning at life – even though you’re ACTUALLY probably secretly miserable and on the verge of killing yourself. just wanted to make that clear. now continue instagramming.

 

2. instead of using a tote bag, just carry your stuff around in a victoria’s secret, agent provocateur, or la perla shopping bag- depending on how high brow you are. although i truly feel that a victoria’s secret bag is the better choice because it’s more universal. it’s the McDonald’s of lingerie and will therefore make men objectify you much quicker because they will immediately identify the brand, start to wonder what’s in your bag & imagine you in a bra and undies. you’re welcome!

 

3. helvetica bold is so classic and simple. i really don’t see it going out of style. I just don’t.

 

4. hair serum? should you use it? i mean, if you have it… why wouldn’t you?!

 

5. please be mindful of gossiping. it actually has way more of a negative power than you know. you may think you’re ‘just venting’ or that you want to be entertaining, and it’s all you have to share… but gossiping about other people’s personal life matters not only affects/breaks the trust and respect between you and the persons whose personal life you’re sharing… but it also puts all that gossipy poison into the mind of someone else. someone else who may not even want to carry that stressful weight. so mind your mouth and don’t fucking gossip. that way you don’t have to worry the next day about whether or not people are mad at you/if the person you gossiped about found out and is pissed. NOT gossiping will make people feel safe with you. they’ll feel like you’re trustworthy, because you’re able to keep secrets. AND it will keep others from breaking out in hives from the emotional weight and stress you’ve dumped on them.

 

6.  only have sex with guys in hotel rooms! personally, I’m gonna take my own advice on this because I’m SO sick of having to take down my dream catcher, vision board, and fashion mag collages that will almost definitely scare away any good guy!

 

7. please, more house parties!

 

8. friends don’t let friends get tubby. unless you’re morbidly obese. in which case, gettin ‘tubby’ is a step in the right direction. good for you tubster!

 

9. people fall into two categories: those who drive pt cruisers and those who have a kernel of self-awareness. #BabyBoot #MiniHearse #BadLook #SorryMom

 

10. please, no costume parties unless its Halloween!

 

For more ‘The Blind Leading The Blind’ click HERE

 

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the blind leading the blind (part 133):

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1. Don’t assume people look at your insta! One of the most annoying things is when you’re talking to someone in real-time, in real life and they say something like ‘oh, but you probably already know that cuz you saw it on my insta’. um what? fuck you! who the fuck do you think you are? what do you think the world has become?! i know it’s fucked up and we are more alive online than in person, but i don’t want to live my life like that and i sure as hell don’t want to hang with an annoying narcissistic poseur who assumes everyone’s following their insta stream with bated breath. so shut the fuck up kid and just tell me what’s going on/your story without the assumption I’ve liked it on your fed you piece of shit! 

2. Cab drivers will ALWAYS give better advice than an uber driver. SPECIFICALLY, New York cab drivers. 

3. No matter how fat, ugly and repulsive you think you are (and you very well might be right), i promise: SOMEONE out there wants to fuck you. I don’t know why and I don’t know when… but it’s true. So THAT should put your mind at ease, at least for a moment. 

4. If you don’t have a mirror, just turn your camera on and reverse the camera. Duh! 

5. Only pay when you’re out with your boyfriend when you’re mad at him. This will make him more appreciative when he’s paying.

6. The minute you stop being afraid of carbs: rice, potatoes, bread, etc… Is the minute it will stop making you gain weight. It’s OK to eat carbs. Except you, fatty. You should stick to salads for a while. 

7. You never really know who you’re dating. So either accept that, or stay alone forever.

8. If he stays too long with his ex and overlaps the ending of his toxic relationship with the beginning of his new relationship with you… He will probably do the same to you. But let him prove you wrong. I mean, the sex is too good to just walk away & be overly logical! 

9. You’ve probably walked past at least one murderer today. Scary.

10. Of course you should put hair serum on your cats coat, this is Hollywood!

the blind leading the blind (part 132):

 

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1. if your ex-boyfriend is texting you more than your current boyfriend… there’ s a problem.

 

2. everyone keeps saying, ‘people who post selfies are narcissist fucks’… NOT TRUE! The TRUTH is, if you DON’T post selfies, it means you don’t like yourself. Glad we solved that one! Phew! Now let’s all lean towards self esteem!

3. if you are one of those people who has an application that alerts you to who unfollows you on insta or twitter, you are a loser.

 

4. if you are one of those people who has an application that alers you to who unfollowed you on insta or twitter and then you confront the person who unfollowed you about it, i have no words for how embarrassing you are.

 

5. spotify is a million times better than pandora. but you know that already… right?

 

6. dear erewhon and all other deli sections of supermarkets: don’t let the handles of the ladles and tongs, that you grab with your bare hands, touch the food it sits in! it’s disgusting!!! And ps: you’re supposed to be wearing gloves!!! GLOVES!!!

 

7. yes, you are SO right! shaving your bikini line is WAY cheaper than getting waxed at a profesh salon! but razor burn isn’t sexy and doesn’t create an atmosphere someone wants to bury their face in… ya know?

 

8. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite, says a lot about you. mine is svu. oh no!

 

9. if you subconsciously feel like you’re doing your boyfriend a favor by being with him,that’s a relationship you should get out of. your poor boyfriend.

 

10. cats would be so much cooler if they gave massages & did the dishes. i mean, i feel like all i do is feed the thing, go out of my way to entertain it & then try my hardest to NOT be attacked.

 

the blind leading the blind (part 131):

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1. if the most exciting thing in your life is that you forgot you posted a pic on insta and now you’re excited to check and see how many likes and comments you received… you are leading an extremely  weak life.

 

2. girls. although i can see why it might be fun and add a sense of urgency and excitement to your life; running out of tampons and waiting until you’re actually having your period – to the point of leaking – to run to the drugstore to buy more tampons, is an embarrassing accident waiting to happen.

 

3. prefer surface streets.

 

4. new goal, try to exhaust your boyfriend less this week.

 

5. cab drivers, especially the ones in New York, will always give better advice than any uber driver ever could.

 

6. guys! make spotify playlists for the girl you like! it’s SO romantic and so EASY! wake up! for the love of god, do SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

 

7. never text the director of the film you’re watching while you are watching it. it will only annoy him and garner a response like ‘stop texting and watch!’

 

8.  at some point in your relationship, in order to get to the next level and graduate to real intimacy, you MUST surrender to trusting the person you’re with and believing that they love you, won’t hurt you, and mean what they say. you might even think you’re doing that with the person you’re with now, but look closely at yourself. take a moment to think about how you feel. are you always mad at him? do you start fights for no reason; to push him away? to test him? do you get jealous for no real reason other than the fact that you assume the worst – even though he hasn’t done anything except follow a person of the opposite sex on instagram? take all of this into consideration and ask yourself ‘do i still have one foot in and one foot out? do i still doubt him? do i still have him at arms distance, but it’s so subconscious i don’t even realize it?’ just think about it.

 

9. let’s bring the word ‘queer’ back! it’s so much more colorful than ‘bisexual’ or ‘gay’. plus it’s so fun to say and makes me feel all squirmy and alive! just try it! let me know how it makes YOU feel! even the facial responses you’ll get after making the decision to use this word instead of another are fun to watch. #yolo

 

10. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite says a LOT about you. my favorite is svu. : /

 

the blind leading the blind (part 130):

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1. if he’s never posted a photo of you on Instagram during your relationship, but you have… you love him more.

 

2. sometimes the only requirements for a girl thinking a guy’s a creep is her knowing that you like her, and her not being attracted to you. but throw in bad shoes, an outdated wallet, a bizare facial hair choice, bad breath… and the dude goes NEXT level and graduates to a SUPER creep lurker!

 

3. if no one will be his girlfriend and the dude keeps venting about it, wondering why girls don’t want to be his gf and only want to be friends with him after two or 3 dates… you can be sure he has a tiny dick. be it a nubbin, a mushroom, or skinny like a pencil… it’s the dudes disappointing private that’s to blame for his predicament. but it’s ALWAYS the one thing he never considers or brings up.

 

4. when you know a relationship is coming to an end, start deleting all the Instagram evidence of it ever existing.

 

5. sometimes all you REALLY need is a polish change, and not the whole mani pedi. faster, cheaper, and WAY less boring to sit through!

 

6. if you get along better when you text then you do when you actually speak on the phone, there’s a problem.

 

7. never shoot up (photographically speaking) on a woman. this will only ever be a horrible, unflattering angle for a woman. no matter how beautiful she might be; no matter how ‘great’ a photographer you think you might be… shoot from above. even if only just slightly. trust me.

 

8.  if you’re always disappointed by him, it’s not his fault anymore, it’s YOURS for staying with him.

 

9. eating bananas in public is one of the most embarrassing things you’ll ever do… if you’re a completely boring pussy.

 

10. dear masseuse with very hairy arms: your arm hair is in my mouth.

 



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