1. never text your boyfriend/or ANYONE for that matter, that you got home safe while you’re walking from your car to your house. Wait till you ACTUALLY get safely inside.

2.one of my favorite weird moments during a make-out sesh is the classic: ‘what are you thinking about?’ ‘Nothing. What are YOU thinking about?’ ‘Nothing.’ (Silence; as both minds continue to reel. Kissing resumes.)

3. don’t ignore all the good stuff and only zero in on the assholes and shit talkers. Rise above. Like that song by candy from real housewives of atlanta.

4. is thinking in terms of ‘forever’ detrimenral to a relationship… or romantic?

5. no one ever says, i wanna be a junkie when i grow up. except for those annoying kids at school who are like all crying out for attention and want to sound all dangerous and badass or whatevs. you know, like all my ex boyfriends!

6. no one ever says, ‘when i grow up, i wanna be an american apparel model.’ who am i kidding?! of course they do! they shouldnt, but they do!

7. just like you shouldn’t refer to something that’s lame as ‘gay’ you shouldnt refer to someone you think is weak as ‘a pussy’. It’s insulting to women. i mean, that’s what some girl e-mailed me… but i’ll probably keep calling people pussies for at least six more months.

8.  balloon animals are sooooo phallic! Keep them away from your kidz you weirdo creeps!

9. most of the time people are so annoying that it’s weird when I actually sit down next to people at a cafe or wherevs, overhear their conversation, and instead of cringing, think ‘these people are ok. if i wasn’t at friend capacity, I might almost like them enough to consider being friends. almost.’

10. I’m sorry, I tried, but I don’t believe in wearing full coverage undies when wearing jeans. I only wear tight jeans, and full coverage undies would show, thus creating visible panty lines. so, ALWAYS wear thongs/g-strings/whatever you wanna call them, when wearing pants or leggings. BUT always have a super sexy pair of red or black or blush colored normal/low rider/hipster/ proper non thong undies in your purse to change into at the drop of a hat in case you end up in someone’s bedroom rolling around topless and intertwined.

PS: Watch me get strangled by aubrey plaza in a blanket of pink mist…

pps: tweet @FATHERJOHNMISTY and ask him who this song was inspired by…

ppps: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy 

pppps: i love you

2. sometimes you just have to rip it off like a band-aide and do something that’s sad but ultimately the best thing for your life/needs/overall happiness.

3. I hate how dogs always know you’re having your period.. and that you hate dogs.

4. 2012 is all about bold splashes of color on your face. By that, I mean red lipstick… not infected sperm.

5. sometimes all you wanna hear are beautiful things… Even if they’re all lies.

6. you’re not allowed to make fun of people for things that they were born with/can’t change. However, when it comes to bad choices they make while living their life… go right ahead and make fun of them all you want!

7. ear plugs are very oc. 2012 is all about shrinking, and ultimately closing up your plugs.

8. please don’t ride a motorcycle.

9. but I don’t WANT to be ‘linked in’.

10. you can’t take advice from people you don’t respect/or whose lifestyle choices you don’t agree with. but isn’t funny how ok these people are about doling out advice?

1. sometimes when your sarcasm is so advanced, people actually think you’re stupid. this happen to me ALL the time.

2. sometimes ‘buffering’ is god trying to tell you not to watch that mob wives clip on YouTube. but sometimes you have to be like ‘fuck off god.’ and press play.

3. always be a LITTLE bit fat, so the baby fat in your face gives you a youthful edge!

4. you can banter, be friends with, and let the charismatic kooky guy entertain you, but NEVER choose him over the guy who loves you, would do anything for you, and who actually makes you feel safe. one is a figment of your imagination, who will lose interest in you in a heartbeat. and the other is the real thing.

5. don’t let the progression of the year STOP you from saying the best bullshit banter opener ever:  ’happy new year!’

6. sitting next to someone while they play you a song they think you should totally hear, is always so awkward! what are you supposed to do? just sit there? look at the device the music is coming out of? bop? tap your foot? look at your lap? all of the above? it’s just too much! or maybe i’m just over thinking it. either way, i prefer listening to music alone in my car.

7.  if a dude asks you if you i-chat, it means he wants to fuck you. your dad included.

8. ”If you want to do anything right, you have to put your heart and soul into it. There are always challenges, and you have to be prepared to go to the wall and be on your knees to get something done correctly, so if you don’t love something then it’s just going to feel like a form of torture with no reward. Love your work and no sacrifice will be too big or too small. My other advice is: if you want the job done right, do it yourself. Sorry to use that tired old cliché, but it is true.” – Madonna

9. always clear your computer history. even if you AREN’T up to no good.

10. try your hardest not to unnecessarily complicate your life: with people, with habits, with bad choices in general.

1. boys, when wooing a girl with a dimple- over a few drinks, never think it’s ok to say: I wanna cum in your dimple. It’s just too much.

2. don’t hurt someone on purpose just because they hurt you by accident. (courtesy of/stolen from… dallas clayton)

3. hey you narcissist jerk! stop looking at yourself in the security cam monitor. People can see you dong it and it’s a TOTAL boner killer/clitoral hardoff!

4. hey idiots! It’s not ok to refer to something you think is lame/bad/or weird as ‘gay.’ think about it. your attributing a negative connotation to the word ‘gay’! get with the program, gay is fucking great! and if you can’t get on board with that, at least don’t make it mean something bad.

8. today is the youngest you’re ever gonna be! so stop freaking out thinking you’re so old!

9. try to find the balance between accepting someone as they are, being kind, and not compromising yourself. that’s what I’M trying to do!

6. the ‘n’ word is not cool. Sounds simple enough, but you’d be surprised how many unconscious people throw that horrible word around!

7. the words fag and faggot are NOT ok! unless you’re my uuber, flaming gay dude friends who use it all the time when they talk to one another! own it! you go guuuurls!

8. this year, push yourself out of your comfort zone. do at least ONE thing that scares you e’eryday.

9. always check the Craigslist ‘missed connections’ section to see if someone is trying to contact/find you. you might just meet the boy/girl of your dreams… or at least the person who’s going to murder you!

10. masturbate more! NO! MORE! it will ONLY make you more fun to hang out with, your skin more dewy and supple, and it’s way more productive than staring at your phone waiting for some dude/girl to text you! so get in there!

PS: FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY

PPS: THANK YOU TO ERIN FOSTER AND HELLO GIGGLES FOR 1.) HAVING ME ON THE ‘SINGLE GIRLS GUIDE’ U-STREAM SHOW AND 2.) HAVING ME PERFORM/TELL A STORY AT THE ‘SINGLE GIRLS GUIDE’ SHOW AT THE UCB THEATRE, HOSTED BY ERIN FOSTER! I HAD A BLAST DURING BOTH! HERE’S THE VIDEO FROM THE U-STREAM SHOW. BUT I WISH THERE WAS VIDEO FROM THE UCB SHOW… CUZ IT WAS EPIC! THEY TOLD ME TO KEEP IT PG, BUT I WENT NC-17. I’LL PROBS NEVER BE ASKED BACK, BUT THE CROWD SEEMED HAPPY!

1. dudes! When sexxxting, or EVER, never refer to a girls pussy/privates/vagina or cunt as her ‘pussy hole’! It’s sooo gross! ‘Pussy’ will suffice! The word ‘pussy’ INCLUDES the hole!

2. weight gain is not allowed in a relationship. When you enter into a relationship, you should only get better or at LEAST stay at the shitty point you entered it in. This weight gain rule goes for men AND women. Men, you say you don’t like ‘fatties’. Well fuck you. Neither do we. So drink a little less beer and stop it with all the crap food… And see how many more blow jobs you get standing up now that your tummy’s not resting on your (nearly ex) girlfriends head! You’re welcome. Both of you should keep each other in check! Her thighs get big, she has a muffin top, this affects how attracted you are to her. He has a spare tire, he crushes you when he’s on top of you, you can’t find his dick cuz it’s engulfed in fat and he’s sweating all over you… That affects you! It’s unattractive! It just is. So eat a little less, steam, walk, stop with the alcohol, don’t eat chips/fast food/soda/too much bread, pasta,rice, and take care of your fucking body. IT MATTERS!

PS: This does not include pregnancy, unless it’s an accidental pregnancy that the boy doesn’t want but the girl insists on having. in which case, this weight gain will be a relationship ruiner as well.

3. super market baggers: I know your job isn’t ideal, but isn’t it a cool idea to excel at what you do? Here’s a tip: weight distribution between bags is key! and when bagging individual bags, always remember: heaviest stuff on the bottom, lightest stuff on top is key. sounds SO SIMPLE! but you’d be surprised!

4. enough with the short in the front, long in the back dresses/skirts. they suck! and that makes YOU suck!

5. don’t wear lots of heavy cologne/perfume. One spritz and you’re done.

6. it’s all about elle Macpherson intimates!

7. for those of you new to los Angeles, and even for those of you who aren’t in the know: coffee houses such as ‘stir crazy’ and ‘the bourgeois pig’ are loser epicenters. don’t get caught where you don’t think you belong.

8. every time you do something weird or gross, or ANYTHING for that matter, in front of your computer… someone is watching you through the video camera. I mean, maybe. but probably. Just be careful. you’ve been warned.

9. people can think they know everything about you… But keep some stuff to yourself, ok? That’s what I do. er, i mean… that’s what my therapist tells me to do.

10. don’t use the term ’horns’ or ‘horny’. both are SUCH a clitoral hard-off!

ps:

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY

1. start saying ‘figuratively’ instead of ‘literally’… SINCE THAT’S WHAT YOU ACTUALLY MEAN!

2. the question is this: is a relationship worth more than total freedom?

3. sometimes spending the night at your boyfriend’s house is the equivalent of going on holiday… or at least a trip to the spa!

4. if a friend says ‘will you give me a ride to the airport?’ the correct response is ‘no. but I’ll give you money to take a cab.’

5. do I really have to tell you how I feel about tribal tattoos?

6. never EVER use the word ‘event’ when referring to something you went to the night before, are going to, or attended in general. it will ONLY make you sound like someone a worth-while person doesn’t want to know.

7. never EVER cut your own bangs… unless you’re really good at it. in which case… cut mine?

8. people! don’t cross diagonally on a horizontal cross walk! It slows everything down! stay within the lines you fucking selfish assholes! you make it super confusing for cars to make right turns! how about everyone STARTS being a LITTLE BIT MORE SELF AWARE! YEAH! ALL. MOTHERFUCKIN’. CAPS.

9. dudes (and lesbians), get rid of your Justin Bieber floppy mop tops! Even Justin Bieber got rid of the Justin Bieber!

10. none of my business, but I’D say: wait until she loves you before you show off your break dancing skills.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY 

1. eckhart tolle? more like ECKHART TOTALLY!

2. you’re ONLY as sick as your secrets.

3. every time you’re a dick, it creates a ripple effect! not only does your dick-ness make you feel bad/heated/angry for being dickly, but you can count on the person you’re being a dick to being weird and dickly to the person he/she runs into next. so think about what you’re putting out and creating in the world. people don’t exist in a bubble. we have affect one another… even when you think you couldn’t POSSIBLY!

4. such a lie: ‘whatever’s out is all we have.’ FUCK YOU!

5. always drive super slow over speed bumps to avoid boob saggage. you’ll thank me in 10 years.

6.  can’t find the time to work out? Park further away from your destination. Those extra footsteps all add up!

7. i know they say ‘life isn’t a dress rehearsal’, but even if it were, sweatpants still wouldn’t be ok.

8. don’t EVER use the term ‘butthurt’! it’s gross and unrefined. it’s very ‘hella’/san diago/oakland-esque. and those things aren’t good.

9. drinking alcohol during the day is NEVER ok. it’s like holding up a RED sign that says ‘i’m a loser!’ or best case scenario ‘i’m a WINNER with issues’.

10. whoa, exercise really does make you happier. It’s not just a sham.

1. just because she swallows doesn’t mean she loves you. She’s probably just starving.

2. only date guys whose car have a navigation system.

3. cell phones should have a key you press that automatically texts, ‘i’m here. come outside.’

4. lame sex = bore-gasm. Example:  ’how was your date with Todd?’ ‘ugh, it was a TOTAL boregasm’

5. lame sex = snore-gasm. Example: ‘i heard you slept with Mike last night. how was it?’ ‘TOTAL. SNOREGASM.’

6. reset all the alerts on your phone to much more relaxing sounds.

7. think before you randomly lift up someones shirt to see their stomach. You’re taking a very scary chance of seeing a belly button filled with lint.

8. always make sure you don’t have lint (so gross) in your belly button. You never know when some boycrazy/girlcrazy/annoying person is gonna lift up your shirt when you least expect it. You might have to check frequently as it could accumulate at any time.

9. hey! Stop lifting people’s shirts up without asking! It’s rude!

10. only cheat with a person who has the same name as your bf or gf, that way there’s no need to worry about another person’s name slipping out during sex or struggling to remember who you’re with.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY

xoxo, me

1. even when you’re IN a relationship, always keep tabs and a literal list of guys you want to/can sleep with if/when you’re single again. What? It doesn’t mean you don’t love the person you’re with! It just means you’re a modern, logical woman!

2. New response for when someone tells you some shit you don’t care about: “get a kickstarter bro.”

3. girls, it’s ok to talk dirty, scream, and participate during sex. Don’t just get fucked, fuck! Move your hips, pull his hair, ask him to spank you (not too hard though dudes, geeze!) Lightly push his face into your p**y, flip over, moan, whatever. Don’t worry about posing or facial expressions. Now is NOT the time!

4. milk in your green tea? Gross.

5. cultivate a personality INSTEAD of an eating disorder. Or at LEAST in ADDITION to. The only problem is that the personality that usually coincides with an eating disorder is ‘bitch’.

6. treat people the way you want to be treated. It really IS the golden rule.

7. don’t trust anyone who spells their name ‘Rodger’ or ‘Bryan’.

8. the dryer is your enemy. hand wash your delicates (this includes all the beautiful undies you own; whose lifespan you’d like to be a long one) or at least machine wash cold cold- and then lay flat to dry!

9. fb wall posts regarding dating or personal matters is such a bone head move! Direct message that shit kid. Grow a dick and learn how to use it.

10. my therapist says sarcasm is actually unresolved anger and rage. I believe him.

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1. granola is fattening.

2. really? there was a line for the bathroom? Really? YOU’RE DISGUSTING! And… a liar!

3. you don’t need to turn your phone off. Nobody’s calling you.

4. it’s not ok to say ‘I don’t have AIDS, I’m white.’ When you’re trying to fuck a girl without a condom.

5. if you know you’re over it/her: break up! Don’t wait for her to get pregnant… cuz she will!

6. it’s not worth being someones bf/gf if you don’t think you’ll be together forever. Even if you won’t. Even if you aren’t. Even if you’re fifteen years old… the love should always be that passionate.

7. if you have to ask him to make you a mix, he doesn’t love you.

8. saxophone in a song immediately makes it lame.

9. something about hearing a guy order a hazelnut latte is such a clitoral hard off.

10. NO, I don’t think you should get that tattoo.