the blind leading the blind (part 52):

1. if you’re white and you sneeze or crinkle your nose when a non white person walks by, it means you’re racist. Even if you THINK you’re not, you totally are! It’s your sub conscious revealing the truth on a whole deeper level dude! How does it feel to be such a racist, racist? Not good I’d think! Not good at all! Douche!

2. it’s totally ok to live your life with the intention of impressing people. AS LONG as the first person you want/aim to impress is you!

3. always leave a message. UNLESS you’re a pussy. Then, only communicate via text, fb, and twitter.

4. there’s nothing less sexy than a cute guy at a bus stop: #clitoralhardoff.

5. dont say ‘gal’! It makes everyone around you feel like they’ve been punched in the stomach!

6. don’t refer to your husband as your ‘hubby’. It makes everyone around you feel disgusting!

7. just cuz someone asks you to hang out doesn’t mean you have to. It’s TOTALLY OK to say no! Really know that! Cuz it took me a while to figure this out/get used to it- cuz I always felt obligated and too shy to say no.

8. start waking up earlier you lazy fuck! Nicole Richie wakes up at 5am EVERY DAY! That’s mutherfuckin’ early yo, but she gets shizz done!

9. never trust a person who doesn’t LOVE the arclight.

10. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. don’t do it. time makes everything better. i swear!

the blind leading the blind (part 51):

1. grown women with unusually high baby voices have MOST likely been molested. Just something to be aware of/look out for!

2. LADIES! no cat-boxes in your apartment! It’s not a sexy look! Don’t let the smell of cat urine be your signature calling card/what you leave men thinking about as they exit your bedroom.

3. I’m pretty sure that pencil skirts were invented by murderers so women couldn’t run away from them.

4. there’s nothing sexier than a guy you used to date with a new girl.

5. if fat people are usually near food, and alcoholics are usually around booze– beware of preschool teachers, kindergarten teachers, and teachers in general.

6. there’s nothing LESS sexy than seeing a guy pose for head-shots.

7. don’t sit cross-legged on your bed in a shirt and no undies! Not only is it NOT a sexy look- but it means your heel is in direct contact with/totally rubbing up against your vadge hole! Gross!

8. I know shaving your knee caps is super hard ladies, but try to get all the hair there. It really makes a dif!

9. it’s always fun to pretend you’re talking for a dog or a baby! Trust me! Just try it. Hilarious EVERY time!

10. tagging someone in a super unflattering facebook photo is TOTALLY GROUNDS for them terminating your friendship. online AND in real life.

the blind leading the blind (part 50):

1. stop talking about your fucking wheat gluten allergy. NOBODY CARES! you’re giving great dudes everywhere a hard off. seriously. it’s a boner killer.

2. this fall, it’s all about ripped black tights.

3. don’t tell people you have cancer. it’s kind of a downer. for real. even if you’re OK with it, they get all weird. it’s like fame, it changes everyone around you. just something to think about.

4. sometimes all that needs to be moisturized are your elbows and your knee caps. Boom! Bam!

5. have all clothing you purchase put in a garment bag before you leave the store! oh, they’ll do it! all you have to do is ask. you deserve it!

6. a dirty fork in your car? Really? forgotten by you, and just laying around for weeks? Fuck you man! That’s fucking gross. Male or female. Gross!

7.  for the love of god, take the price tag OFF the gift you tacky ass fuck!

8. if you see some fatty walking a trail, doing a hike, exercising near you or whatevs- be nice for gods sake! say hi or smile! Reward him/her with encouragement- cuz he’s trying to not be soo fat. But, like, don’t feed him as a reward- cuz that goes against the entire point I’m trying to make. PS: have a nice hike.

9. when looking for an apartment, these should be your requirements: upper (which means it’s on the 2nd floor of a building or higher! there’s less chance of murder than if you live in a lower), hardwood floors (chic, classic, easier to clean, dirt/grime can’t hide like it can in carpet), parking spot (a MUST! looking for parking at 4am is a recipe for disaster! and by disaster i mean rape murder- and not necessarily in that order even! not having a parking spot is not safe, sexy, or smart), dishwasher (heroine for the lazy), washer and dryer on the premises! (makes life WAY easier then schlepping your bullshit rags from urban, American apparel, or forever 21 to some coin slot/homeless haven!), and last: location location location! (live somewhere where you feel safe and can easily walk to cool stuff – in case your car breaks down. IE: coffee shops, cute boutiques, a grocery store, etc.

10. just because a large and in charge, African American female walks by doesn’t mean it’s OK/right to say ‘hey look, it’s precious’ to your friends. Not cool asshole! Not cool at all!

the blind leading the blind (part 49):

1. a well dressed man is a sexually satisfied man!

2. don’t just strive to fuck Seth rogen, strive to BE Seth rogan!

3. spas are like high school locker rooms for grown ups.

4. it is not OK to wear those sketcher workout shoes. ever. Not OK at all.

5. don’t cut your own hair! Unless you’re REALLY good at it! In that case, go right ahead! And while you’re at it, cut mine too will you?!

6. just because someone’s a huge flirt, doesn’t mean they’re incapable of love and monogamy! Exhibit a (you can’t see me, but I’m pointing to myself).

7. if you’re talking to a guy on the phone and he says, ‘hold on, let me take off my beanie’ hang up. for real.

8. being into sports is the new not being into sports is the new black.

9. there’s a difference between lying and discretion. you don’t have to tell EVERYONE every thing you’ve ever done or thought! who do you think you are, me? keep a little something for yourself.

10. You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.

the blind leading the blind (part 48):

1. don’t talk during a movie you fucking asshole! yeah, I’m talking to YOU and your fucking slut date! i can’t believe i even have to tell you this! this is some universal/unwritten/unspoken law shit! JESUS! this goes for texting too!

2. every time a man eats asparagus, SOMEWHERE a woman cries/gags.

3. write a list of anything and everything you wanna do before you die- and start doing it!!!

4. if you’re on a budget- just tell every restaurant you go to that it’s your birthday and get free cake! But, on second thought, you really shouldn’t be eating out so much you know!? maybe just order a coffee and get the free cake and run for it. but wait, you should pay for the coffee though dude. and leave a tip too. i mean, it’s the right thing to do.

5. just because it’s a soy chai latte, doesn’t mean it’s NOT gonna make you fat! cuz it TOTALLY will! except it’ll do it covert ninja styles! fat travels in liquid form too asshole! that’s what milkshakes are all about!

6. don’t drive when you have to pee! cuz if you get in a crash, your bladder could break and the pee will poison your insides. true story!

7. don’t blow your nose into toilet paper and then use that same toilet paper to wipe your privates. It’s gross. and it could give you aids maybe. JK JK, but TOTALLY a weird infection for sure!

8. if he drives a yellow car, he’s not worth your time.

9. wear sunscreen you idiot! Even in winter!

10. nothing matters! For real! We are all dying! no joke. I have to remember this shizz when I’m having a way crazy/off day and I feel scared and sad and let small things bother me. starting NOW, i DEMAND you say ‘i don’t give a fuck!’ to yourself! and whenever you’re trying to decide what you should do in a situation, ask yourself ‘what would the fifty year old me tell me to do?’ chances are, most likely, the fifty year old you will say ‘do it muthah-fuckah!’ it’s all about having no regrets and seizing the day!!!

the blind leading the blind (part 47):

1. the only mags you should keep on your coffee table are ones that have articles about you in them. And if there aren’t any, you’re not working hard enough.

2. hey girls! men are attracted to the scent of other men! So douse yourself in jizz ladies! I’m joking! geeze! But seriously. Do it.

3. when text flirting, don’t forget to set the other person up for a reply text. otherwise you’ve just texted yourself into a lonely, unsexy corner.

4. girls, don’t give a dude your address on the first date. Meet him there! And if you’re gonna drink, take a car service or a cab. It’s not that expensive and it feels fancy bad-ass! oh yeah, plus you won’t die in a car wreck maybe!

5. most of the time, the decisions we make are made out of not wanting someone to think we’re a dick OR an asshole.

6. people who don’t like pesto, avocados, tomatoes, or tv are strange and should not be trusted.

7. when you text someone ‘I had fun’ and the person never texts you back, it means they did NOT have fun.

8. just like you will ABSOLUTELY be eaten by a shark if you go in the ocean during your period- you will totally be mauled by a bear if you go on a hike during your period.

9. “i don’t mean this in a bad way…” is never an intro for anything GOOD. It just makes people think you’re a meddling asshole. so get a fucking life!

10. whilst wearing leggings, always wear a shirt that covers your privates. Nobody needs to catch a glimpse of your sweat stain, vadge stain, or camel toe. And fyi, people are immediately searching for this the moment they see a girl walk by in leggings. And PS: ONLY wear BLACK leggings asshole! Really? nude/tan leggings? Who the hell do you think you are? And what the fuck are you trying to prove dude? A little too much if you ask me! either that OR you’re just sleepwalking through life. PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU! even though they wish they couldn’t and don’t care about you and your boring life story.

the blind leading the blind (part 46)- special ‘for dudes only’ edition (part 2 of 2):

1. it’s not OK to cum in a girls mouth without asking first! especially if it’s the first time she’s giving you a blow job! it’s so much sexier to make her beg for it! cuz one day she will motherfucker!

2. be the James Bond of relationships and romance, or at least behave well enough to get great word of mouth. Like a stealth pro, never let a woman regret having slept with you.

3. wear suits.

4. always make sure your date got home safely! all you have to say is ‘text me when you get home, so i know you’re ok’. how HARD is that? ANSWER: not hard at all.

5. be taller. AND IF YOU AREN’T; wear top hats, lifts, or just own your shit in a major way- without being an asshole though! cuz that just means you have a Napoleon complex and then the whole plan’s moot!

6. dear dude, thanks for being so accommodating and answering when i ask the question “excuse me, are you gay, straight, or bisexual?” On the other hand, NO thank you for being so confusing and forcing me/leaving me no choice but to ask the question in the first place!

7. if you’re a dude, and you slept with your supposed ‘best dude friend’s ex girlfriend- don’t text her while you’re standing next to him. It’s rude. and dangerous.

8. live your life like you have a big dick in your pants, even if you don’t.

9. if the girl likes you, the three day rule doesn’t apply! but you should probably still do it, to ensure that she likes you even MORE and questions her self worth.

10. send flowers. it sure as hell can’t make it worse!

11. i don’t hate you cuz you’re fat. No, not at all. I just think it would be in your best interest to lose some of that weight.

12. try not to hate your mom or dad! and if you do, get over that shizz! cuz the results can be/are relationship  suicide. this is actually unisex advice, but I’m looking out for my ladies.

*if you wanna date, disagree, marry, argue, bro out, agree, or be friends with me – follow me on twitter! i love you!

the blind leading the blind (part 46)- special ‘for dudes only’ edition (part 1 of 2):

1.  confidence is key! i cannot stress this enough! an unsure, all over the place, topsy turvey, confused, weak dude is not sexy. own your shit muthah-fuckah! know who you are. if you aren’t a master of something, at least be a master at being you! Jesus!

2. be creative when coming up with date ideas. you never know; if planned properly, you could end up at the driving range with a bottle of champagne or making out in a park, also with a bottle of champagne! share an epic experience that will make both your lives more interesting!

3. fuck like you have a big dick, even if you don’t.

4. call her on the phone, at least SOMETIMES!!!! if you REALLY want to see her, if you really want to make sure she got your text, if you REALLY MEAN IT- call her.

5. have a job you love and are passionate about that pays you well.

6. dudes! stop driving with your knees! I never see girls doing this! why do you do this?! What the fuck are you trying to proves anywayz! it’s scary and unnecessary!

7. choose your gear wisely dudes… wisely! all it takes is some stupid pair of shoes or embroidered flappy jean pockets to make a girl walk in the opposite direction. try not to blow it before you even open your mouth! and when you do, it should be to eat her pussy! what? too far?

8. no backhanded compliments as a woo’ing tactic, but sexy sarcasm is great.

9. dudes, wash behind your ears. it smells like mildew back there! especially if you wear a hat or glasses or BOTH! YOU can’t smell it, but we can! Same goes for your privates! Use apricot soap EVERYWHERE!

10. be amazing in bed! be confident, and TOTALLY eat her pussy! be a master at getting her off by sucking on her mother fucking pussy! and don’t just suck: lick, tickle, flick (with the tip of your tongue), kiss, and slowly/deeply stick your finger inside her. MAKE A WOMAN COMING IN YOUR MOUTH YOUR MISSION! IT WILL MAKE YOU VIRTUALY INDESPENSABLE AND GIVE YOU EPIC WORD OF MOUTH! i promise!

11. size matters, but gurth is more important than length. AND IF BOTH ARE AN ISSUE, PLEASE REFER TO #10.

12. don’t walk around with your arms crossed. that’s some serious bad body language AND automatically implies you’re a pussy.

(stay tuned for part 2)

follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

i love you.

the blind leading the blind (part 45): special ‘FOR GIRLS ONLY’ edition bitches!

1. if it’s too soon to tell him where you live, it’s probably too soon to fuck him.

2. wax your fucking pussy, jerk off! It’s summer you skag! What are you trying to do, grow shrooms down there?! Jesus fucking christ!

3. men who aren’t ticklish, should not be trusted!

4. as a modern woman, you have to at least offer to pay. But if he let’s you pay on the first date, he’s a fucking loser.

5. don’t date a dude with a baby(ies), herpes, warts, a wife, who has been divorced, and/or is way short.

6. be a dude magnet and wear an old sportz shirt or metal shirt, preferably with side boob! Added bonus- know something about the team/band you’re representing!

7. if you’re having a conversation with a dude, and he gives you his card &  says you should call him, but the longer you two speak, he says ‘you know what, you should just email me, it’s really the best way to reach me.’ you’ve been demoted, and the dude’s not down.

8. get rid of all clothing that’s trying its hardest to manipulate you/confuse you/make you look ugly/fat/ or will deter a dude from wanting to fuck you. oh whoops, RE-WRITE: you can always get some dude to fuck you. what i meant was: get rid of clothing that will deter a cute/hottt/top tier dude from wanting to fuck you and/or be your boyfriend. you’re welcome!

9. longer hair is better hair fucko.

10. even if you have a crush/your eye on a new guy- don’t let his absence ruin your night on the town with the girls. the world is big. always have your eyes open to see the whole picture!

the blind leading the blind (part 44):

1. the CAMERA doesn’t add ten pounds, ten pounds adds ten pounds!

2. create a world for yourself in which you’re not helpless. I know a lot of people who will have nothing to fall back on when they’re older. Be indispensable with something only you can contribute to the world. be a master at what you do! be relentless and get better and better as you go; at your writing, your talent, your thoughts, your voice. and be self aware enough to know when you aren’t good at something- that way you can use that knowledge to re-work your plan/goal. and the goal should always be something that makes you HAPPY and LOTS OF MONEY! you can have both at the SAME TIME!

to summarize: know who you are and what you’re good at. then use that to figure out what kinda job will make you really happy and lots of money!

3. if you live in Hollywood and the dude you’re dating/fucking lives in Hermosa Beach- you’re in a long distance relationship.

4. if you can’t tone it, tan it!

5. dear urban outfitters on melrose: you know I love you boo, but what’s up with the loud slammy dressing room doors? It’s just too much! every slam literally rattles my soul and hurts my bones! Can’t someone add some cushy padding to lessen the intensity of that slam? I truly feel passionate about this! Was this the design teams cruel joke? If so, tell those fuckers to chillax!

6. people who don’t own TVs are jerks. UNLESS they can’t afford a TV, then they’re poor jerks!

7.  fyi: every encounter you have is an interview or a date! whether you know it or not, it is! so just try to be likable, charming, and look presentable at ALL times! all that changes from encounter to encounter is who’s interviewing who! so try not to embarrass yourself/me/us.

8. don’t smoke crack…..ever!!!

9. if you’re driving down a narrow street and a car comes towards you, leaning away from the car will not save you from being potentially side swiped. true story.

10. monogamy is possible, if you want it to be.