the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it’s fancy and good.

32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn’t advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you’re still in the midst of enjoying your new bff…the orange! pow!

33. don’t eat carbs.

34. everything has carbs.

35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

36. you are a woman. you are always in control.

37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you’re all excited and happy, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!


38. don’t eat as much as the boy you’re dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you’re not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.

39. I’m really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I’m not looking to offend anyone here.

40. you’re not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo

the blind leading the blind PART 3:

21. just because you have bangs, doesn’t mean you can pick at your face-under your bangs.

22. Just because you exercise, doesn’t mean you can binge eat.

23. don’t be a stripper. It’s not cool

24. don’t get the lap band. even I’m not this lazy! and I’m a mulchy lazy couch monger.

25. always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs- without having had plastic surgery-and they all say it’s because they’ve always worn a bra. even when they go to bed!

26. watch gossip girl! why didn’t anyone tell me how great gossip girl is? I should’ve listened to mike piscitelli! That dude knows! 

27. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you’re almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother.

28. meet dudes during the day! i can’t stress this enough! some time soon, i will dedicate an entire post to this topic: supermarkets, the beach-(surfer patrolling=you can kill two birds with one stone 1. by catching a glimpse of their privates while they towel off and 2. you’re deciding if you’re even into them at all), 3rd st promenade-close to the beach, after you’re done watching the dudes towel off. hollah! (slang for the pop culture phrase “holler”.  fyi.) 

29. for those of you who live in Los Angeles- go to the 101 coffee shop* by yourself. when you see a table of cute boys or an adorable guy all alone, have the waiter send over a piece of chocolate cake. (don’t be shy. I’ve done this MANY times. so put that in your pocket if you need a hand to hold for getting over your initial shyness.) the ‘choco cake send over maneuver’ can only lead to sweet deals! the move itself puts a whole new spin on the 80’s movie scene where a meathead dude sends over a dirty martini to some buxom blond babe in a bar. if the 101 dude doesn’t instantly fall in love with you, or at least come over and say hello with the need to praise your awesomeness- he’s a woman hating/A sexual guy with a girlfriend! who needs him? not you! he’s dead to you! *if you don’t live in la, just go to any OOBERLY TRENDY diner type place where shaggy haired, more likely to be higher brow, hipster boys hangout! yeah!

30. don’t cross your arms when you walk- or EVER! it makes you look SUPER insecure, and like a rape victim! even if you are, fight the urge!!! it’ll make people more drawn to you.

PART 2-The Blind Leading The Blind:


11. a lot of dudes are gay. A lot of dudes aren’t gay. your job is to figure out which are which. Good luck!
Cuz I can’t tell anymore.
12. take a bath in
epsom salt at least once a day. use it for your longest soak. it gets rid of any water you might be retaining.


13. drink at least 1.5 L of water daily. but be wary of the dream dashers who will try to bum out yo
ur new water incentive by telling you that too much water will flush out all your vitamins and kill you. these are lame, jealous, and unhappy people. just try to drink your water.
14. shave your legs everyday-even though
I’m a big believer in the theory that the night you DON’T shave your legs is the night you end up meeting the boy of your dreams/or sexiest makeout ever!
15. get rid of all the negative people in yo
ur life. Toss ’em. They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.
16. try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!
17. you can’t feel bad or hurt by someone-unless u let them hurt you. I’m talking about feelings and emotions and stuff. A punch in the face will totally hurt anyone! So take control of yo
ur feelings and don’t let anyone hurt them or have power over you. Haven’t you seen the last scene of labyrinth!? “you have no power over me!” Jesus!
18. even if u aren’t letting people hurt yo
ur feelings-be consciously aware of the assholes who try to. wish them well in your mind, and then get the fuck away from them. you don’t have to be a hater to cut the dead weight out of your life my little babies! Shit, that reminds me, I’ve gotta sort some shit out in my own life.
19. sex makes you happy: unless you were raped or molested and it brings back weird memories. in which case, that’s totally terrible and
I’m sorry. you should talk to a therapist. feel free to write to me and I’ll suggest someone qualified to help you deal with that. you are loved.
20. movies/
TV shows to watch if your pms’y or sad or just wanna feel girly and super awesome:
dazed and confused
broken english
when harry met sally
valley girl
16 candles
moonstruck
pretty in pink
notting hill
high fidelity
metropolitan
last days of disco
my wife is an actress
closer
my so called life
felicity
arrested development
Madonna documentary- I’m going to tell you a secret
unzipped-isaac mizrahi documentary
truth or dare
project runway
the hills
beverly hills 90210-old school version
tim guns guide to style
house
30 rock
freaks and geeks
conan o’brian
(light easy breezy viewing that will make you feel like a citizen of cozytown usa!) xo

PART 1: advice from me to you. AKA: the blind leading the blind:

1. always carry breath spray and baby wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.
-Remember women! We don’t do anything gross! I’m not going into specifics. Let’s leave it at that.


2. every time you have sex or mess around with a dude, you should go to your gyno and get tested for everything! That way if you get anything (even though some things show up later/and are latent) you have a better idea of who gave you what! Hopefully you won’t get a thing! But, just in case!


3. don’t have anal sex! guys might get the impression that you’re gross! tell them you had that hole sewed up years ago and you threw away the key! why would we need a hole like that? we don’t do gross stuff.

4. things a man should do:
a. hold the door for you.
b. offer to pay! AND he should ALWAYS pay if he’s the one who asked you on the date and invited you out in the first place. ladies, i strongly feel-and i have experienced a lot to know that the advice I’m giving you is true-that the man should for always pay. BUT, if he cant, you should SPLIT it. when a woman pays for the entire date or rent or whatever, whether he knows it or not, it’s emasculating. men, don’t be mad, I’m totally advocating an even split of the bill. i just feel like if one person is gonna pay it should always be the man. i don’t give a fuck if it’s 2008. you guys are eventually gonna ask us for anal sex, accidentally impregnate us-forcing us to either get the morning after pill, have an abortion, have a miscarriage, or be the mother of your child-so can’t you just hold the goddamn door and pay for my food at baja fresh before we fuck? Jesus! who raised you? it feels just as good and sexy to be a real man, a real gentleman, as it does to be treated like a lady. let’s give a nod to our forefathers and play our parts!
c. the man should get tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, hpv…EVERYTHING! doesn’t it feel like its always us girls getting the testing done? it’s easy to do, so make him get tested. use sex and stuff as his incentive. pout and look cute. get it done!

5. you CAN get preggers on your period!

6. never have unprotected sex! (everybody does, we just all lie about it! behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method! don’t lie bitches, I’m watching you-plus, i do it too. whoopsies!)

7. even when it’s protected, you should always make sure he pulls out before he cums.

8. no matter what he says-cum and/or his pee is not good for clearing up zits! what a scumbag!

9. again: the hole is sewn up and cannot be unsewn!

10. patchouli is never ok!


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