1. if a dude happens to notice baby wipes or sweet spots in your purse and calls you out, referring to them as ‘pussy wipes’… he’s a total loser. He should just be happy you’re that considerate! And women, you should always be that considerate.

2. if a dude doesn’t let you touch your clit while you’re fucking, if he has a problem with it, he’s a creep. trust me on this!

3. if your pants just fall off of you, out of nowhere… congratulations. you’ve reached your goal weight.

4. if you’re about to touch yourself (i.e ‘masturbate’ - fuck I hate that word. it’s so clinical and not sexy. It’s not even uuber clinical. It’s somewhere in between clinical and unsexy. What a weird place to live) and you’re listening to music on your computer, turn your laptop away from you. cuz even though you won’t believe me, I’m pretty sure the government/powers that be can see everything you’re doing in front of your computer. Don’t let masturbating be one of those things. OR let it be the ONLY thing.

5. chances are, if the color looks good on your nails, it’ll good on your lips.

6. stop picking at that rogue bump on your arm! Cut it out! No one can see it! You’re ONLY gonna make it worse!

7. if you are ever faced with the choice of running over a squirrel or turning into oncoming traffic… Always run over the squirrel.

8. people want someone at least as good as they are. So when you’re all complain-y and schlubby and unhappy, wondering why the beautiful, smart, successful girl/or the sexy, successful dude with wash-board abs doesn’t want to date or even fuck you – don’t get MAD at him! Take a fucking look in the mirror and up your mother-fucking game!

9. when in doubt of who a person might be, or if you two have ever met, just say what I say: ‘hi, you look familiar. have we ever made out?’

10. long distance relationships don’t work.

i’m sorry. that was way harsh. i should have said:

long distance relationships aren’t real.

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: leave me a message on boycrazy voicemail 888 666-2045 tell me a secret, ask me a question, say something neat. 

I LOVE YOU

By: boycrazy on September 15, 2011
Tags: the blind leading the blind
21 Comments »

1. if the homeless dude is too good-looking, don’t give him money. He can make his OWN money… As a prostitute!

2. do ONE thing that makes you nervous, scared, or brave EVERY DAY!

3.  if he gives you a massage, he MIGHT be a pussy… but stop thinking right now! you’re getting a massage!

4. only have orgies in laurel canyon!

5. a guy can be kind and good and NOT be a pussy. Promise.

6. holding a water bottle (an individual sized or a 1.5 L) will always make you look 4lbs thinner AND appear better than people. However: toting around a 1 L bottle of pellegrino will make you look thin, better than others, AND pretentious. I say carry/drink the pellegrino. I do.

7. you know it’s serious, and by ‘serious’ I mean; you’ve gone SERIOUSLY too far with the home extractions, when your tweezers are out, covered in blood, and you’re using Kiehl’s blue astringent/herbal lotion like it’s going out of style.

8. never bring a baby to a movie theater! Ever!

9. women: never give people the finger when you’re driving. It’s too scary out there! I’m saying this to protect you! Road rage still happens! Men carry baseball bats and guns in their car. people are crazy and too angry already for no good reason. Be SO careful! Get fingered while you drive, but don’t GIVE the finger. That should help you remember.

10. dudes: instead of initially texting girls things like ‘I’m gonna fuck you so hard and make you cum‘ – try saying/texting: ‘I’m gonna make you melt.’ OR ‘I’m gonna make you feel so nice.’ it’s so much sexier. think of these as sexual baby steps. create romantic anticipation. always be a sexual Casanova… even with your texting and phone call technique.

By: boycrazy on September 6, 2011
Tags: photo by terry richardson, the blind leading the blind
13 Comments »

1. play spin the bottle. always. Mouth herpes will ward off genital herpes.

2. just because a guy is gay, doesn’t mean he’s a sexual deviant! I’m so tired of hetero dudes or people in general being like ‘he’s gay? He’s not gonna try to rape me, is he?’ you wish!

3. eliminate the word ‘hate’ from your vocabulary.

4. i hate you.

5. if your stomach/tum tum has a tendency to be a little crazy or sensitive, pop a couple activated charcoal tablets before and after you eat. Available at whole foods. you’re welcs.

6. stop getting mad and saying ‘fuck, that bitch/asshole! he/she led me on!’ There’s no such thing! yes, we could delve deeper into a super munipulitave ‘leading on’ scenario… but for the most part, you’re just bitter the person doesn’t wanna see you anymore. but it’s ok! enjoy the time you spent together. hopefully you both learned about what works and doesn’t work for you! We’re all just trying people on for size! and sometimes it doesn’t work out! fuck, most of the time it doesn’t work out! relax!

7. don’t mess with a girl who is uncomfortable with her body or weight. and ps: chances are, she doesn’t want to sexxx either. and pps: she might get mad at you  too… for things that aren’t your fault. in closing: moody, weight fluctuating, and/or hormonal girls who don’t feel good in their skin, aren’t to be trifled with. i should know.

8. pineapple juice is the best juice in the whole entire world! plus it makes your privates taste good! Don’t fight me on this. You’ll lose every time! oh WHAT did you just say, apple juice is? Fuck you man! Fuck you!

9. how great is watermelon?! I know! not the juice, just the straight up fruit!

10. always smell every bit of clothing you are about to put on, including/especially your bra and panties. you never know if you might smell like mildew or weirdness for whatever reason. yeah, laugh now, but it wont be so funny when you’re with the girl/boy of your dreams in a super intimate situation and you realize THEN that you smell way crazy! you’re welcome!

PS: THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ELLE MAGAZINE AND THE COVETEUR FOR THE AMAZING FEATURE! I LOVE YOU GUYS!

PPS: FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY

By: boycrazy on August 30, 2011
Tags: the blind leading the blind
18 Comments »

1. instead of saying ‘i’m having my period’, start saying ‘i’m celebrating not being pregnant’. it’s so much more chic to speak in code.

2. no matter what you do, if you refer to anything as a ‘gig’… its’s over! the word ‘gig’ is as awful as the word ‘aspiring’.

3. a side affect of the morning after pill might not be weight loss, but it will prevent the weight of a child from forming in your womb! so that’s pretty cool!

4. all girls love reading their susan miller horoscopes on astrologyzone.com (and then comparing whether they’re a good match with a boy, depending on HIS sign). Case closed. deal with it!

5. tan pants? But why? and when i say ‘tan’, i am NOT referring to khaki. yes to khaki pants. yes all the way!

6. dear dudes who work in the whole foods parking lot, who pretend to be there to make the parking situation easier for everyone; you are NOT helpful! you are the opposite of helpful! in actuality, you are totally in my way! i am fully capable of getting in and out of my parking space WITHOUT YOU! and when you motion for me to back up, i find it completely condescending. it makes me furious! and you know what the worst part is? if i WERE to FULLY trust you and your hand gestures, motioning and beckoning me backwards, i bet you would TOTALLY let me crash into someone/something! so fuck you! and stay out of my goddam way! fuck! don’t even get me started on the people with the petitions outside of supermarkets! that’s a whole OTHER rant for ANOTHER day!

7. just because he’s tall enough to be a Laker, doesn’t mean he has a big dick. ALWAYS do the casual graze during the initial make-out.

8. ALL girls love chap stick. Case closed. deal with it!

9. always make sure the place you live appears photo shoot worthy and photo shoot ready. This can be achieved for cheap! either swiffer that shit yourself, or get a housekeeper for $60.

10. start referring to Los Angeles as ‘LaLa Land’ unless you prefer my previous recommendation: ‘tinseltown.’ either are great options.

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: leave me a message on my boycrazy voice-mailbox 888 666-2045

ask me a question, tell me a secret, or just say something neat.

xoxo

By: boycrazy on August 19, 2011
Tags: the blind leading the blind
14 Comments »

1. you know what I REALLY don’t appreciate? Unfinished hems! It’s not a style choice or a ‘look’… it’s just lazy!

2. a gentleman always pays for the morning after pill/abortion. i mean, it’s the LEAST he can do! a baby would be WAY more expensive.

3. sometimes you just have to surrender to letting a dude suck on your toes! take a breath, pray to god your feet aren’t disgustingly gross and then let him suck on your fucking toes! I mean, if he’s offering…  DO IT! Always be up for a new experience. Except anal sex. That’s not what ladies do.

4. don’t blow your nose with toilet paper and then wipe your privates with the SAME toilet paper! are you fucking kidding me? this is an infection WATING. TO. HAPPEN.

5. if your biggest problem is that your therapist is telling you to try to look in the mirror less, you’re doing alright.

6. you are a social climber. RELAX. it’s OK. Just recognize it. Everyone is… to a degree.

7. enough with the ridiculous kick-starters already! Sometimes you have to be your OWN kick-starter! FYI: i’m NOT referring to kick-starters for life or death surgery/medical attention. duh!

8. it’s not easy being a woman. We feel more; We have the unique capability of being able to think about every detail of everything, while multi tasking a million other things. And while we do all this, we are secretly dealing with whatever bullshit might be dribbling out of our puss for various reasons. We really do it all.

9. start referring to American Apparel (in speech and in writing) as ‘AM AP’.

10. dear AM AP, Urban O, and H & M: I know I frequent you guys more than I’d like to admit, but what’s with NOT LINING your dresses? How the fuck am I supposed to wear these things? Is it up to me to buy a slip? who wears slips anymore? Is it up to me to go to a fabric store, buy fabric, and have it sewn into the garment? Cuz that’s how you’re acting.  and it’s totally inconsiderate and rude on your end! And what shocks me most is everybody acting like this kind of cheap, lazy, illogical craftsmanship is totally acceptable behavior. are you trying to inspire twelve year olds who don’t know any better to run around with their little twelve year old pussies out? Cuz that’s basically what you’re advocating! It’s got to stop!

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: WHO IS THIS ALL KNOWING DREAM DUDE?

By: boycrazy on August 11, 2011
Tags: the blind leading the blind
25 Comments »

1. when referring to Whole Foods, please don’t say ‘whole paycheck’. It’s embarrassing and says WAY more about you than it does about Whole Foods.

2. start referring to ex boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s as ‘someone I used to know’. it’s uuber dramatic and super chic!

3. ladies: is it ‘peach fuzz’ or a moustache/beard? conclusions have to be made so action can be taken.

4. Every time I buy a new article of clothing, I think ‘this is gonna change my life!’ But as little as a week later, I’m in another changing room, feeling that way about some new article of clothing- while the poor week old piece lays rumpled in a ball on the floor/in the corner. don’t think i feel good about this, but it’s the truth. yes, clearly, these are first world/white girl problems, etc. all i’m saying is: before you stand in- or in front of- your closet (depending on how wealthy you or your parents are), rolling your eyes, frustrated and whining about how you ‘don’t have ANYTHING to wear!’ don’t forget about how excited you once were about the clothes in your closet that you’re totally bored with and don’t even acknowledge now!

5. there’s no getting around this one, a tattoo on your face screams ‘i’ve given up.’

6. you never know who’s important to who, so mind your own business before you run your mouth off and ruin someones game by saying ‘oh, so and so dates a lot of people. don’t think you’re special or anything.’ even if the person in question is a player (ugh, that word is sooo mid 90′s! we HAVE to come up with a new one. and while we wait, we can continue to use this one with an ironic lilt to it when it comes out of our mouth. or you can own it like my mom does when she says anything. real people don’t feel embarrassed saying stuff, which makes them so much cooler than the pseudo cool people, like me.)  anyway, back to what i was saying: even if the person is a player, you never know who the player actually has feelings for. and sometimes, even if a person is dating more than one person, all those people are important to the player. so mind your own fucking business and stop your unnecessary need to feel compelled to warn people about other people. unless they have herpes (or some other std) or are a murderer, keep your mouth shut and stay the fuck out of it.

7. always remember that no matter how nice the person you’re telling a secret to is acting, if they’re friends with the person you’re talking shit about, their allegiance is to the person they’ve known longer and are closer with. smiles don’t mean a thing, and facial expressions and words aren’t always in line with what a person is thinking. so watch your mouth. unless you want the gossip and shit talking to get back to the person you’re talking about.

8. when bringing your cell phone into the sprint/verizon/at&t/whatever store, always remember: as you’re walking out with your phone all fixed and taken care of, that YES, of course they looked at all the naked/scandalous pix in your phone. Why wouldn’t they? It was the FIRST thing they looked at! i mean, jesus fucking christ, what would you look at first if some hot young dude/girl brought their phone in! so, duh! Erase that shizz!

9. I know pedestrians have the right of way, but cars are bigger and scarier. So get the fuck out of my way bonehead! unless i’m walking that day, in which case, how dare YOU?!

10. For some reason, I don’t know why, your skin always looks better after you walk out of a movie theatre. Just trust me on this.

xoxo

PS:

• if the idea doesn’t TOTALLY repulse you, follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045 ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat.

i love you.

By: boycrazy on July 21, 2011
Tags: the blind leading the blind
42 Comments »

1. girls: don’t put your phone in your back pocket. yes, it makes sense. yes, it’s convenient… but it’s Not a sexxxay look. always give yourself the best chance at life you can!

2. what are you doing? you’re wasting your life away! and you’re even more guilty because you know exactly what you want to do and you know exactly what you have to do to achieve your goals, but you’re running in the OPPOSITE direction! Wake up!

3. keep the knuckle cracking BEHIND closed doors, when no one can see/hear you! It’s fucking gross.

4. having an open, communicative relationship with your mom is a great thing! What a luxury to be able to turn to your mom and say ‘mommy, in the past 24 hours, I’ve had two different guys fingers in my vadge!’ believe me, i know.

5. always pee before you drive somewhere, so if/when you get in a car crash, they don’t have to stick a catheter inside you.

6. you may as well embrace the current pop songs that you slam! you’re just gonna start liking them ironically anyways in 10 years. And shortly after you accept them ironically, you’re subconsciously gonna end up legitimately liking the song anyways! Except for that ‘Chumbawumba’ song. Cuz that shit never gets cool. It’s only ever gonna be ridiculous.

7. too much make up = not enough YOU!

8. yes, i hate when people say ‘i don’t own a TV’, BUT, i bet people who don’t own TV’s talk about it way less than people who DO own TV’s talk about their favorite TV shows. I’m just trying to get some perspective on this.

9. don’t chew gum! unless you’re dieting… in which case, you should be chewing gum ALL THE TIME!

10. cheat on your math/science/whatever test by writing the answers on your upper thigh, and wear a short skirt on test day. if the teacher bothers you, just yell ‘rape!’ you’ll win EVERY time!

By: boycrazy on July 5, 2011
Tags: the blind leading the blind
40 Comments »

1. summer 2011 is ALL about crop tops! YES, side boob is still WAY in.. but we’re giving ourselves the option of under boob!

2. wearing a heather gray tee out to a club, or any place sweating will definitely occur, is a rookie mistake. it’s amateur hour USA. Always think two steps ahead.

3. eliminate the word ‘buddy’ from your vocabulary.

4. aim higher. No dude, HIGHER!

5. even if you’re only going into the bathroom to look at your face, check your teeth and your nostrils, apply lipstick,  and/or wash your hands… always look at the toilet to make sure nothing embarrassing is going on in there- cuz even if it wasn’t you (and it totes WASN’T, cuz girls don’t do gross stuff), you’re the one who’s gonna be walking out of that room, and whatever embarrassing nonsense is leftover in there- you’ll be to blame. So fuckin’ check yo-self before you wreck yo-self bro.

6. if you notice that the bathrooms at clubs you frequent start to have attendants in them- it means your life is getting better… or worse, depending on how you look at it.

7. girls! Don’t send nude pix! ever! they always end up where they shouldn’t! yes, even with your head cut out of the pic!

8. whenever you text ‘what are you doing?’ you might as well be saying ‘I want you to fuck me right now’. That’s why I always text ‘what are you up to?’ MUCH CLASSIER!

9. you know it’s serious when you move your computer into your girlfriend’s house and it’s NOT a laptop!

10. whenever you text or email something that’s questionable, shit talky, or potentially sketchy… ALWAYS remember its subject to be read/shown to everyone you NEVER wanted to see it!

By: boycrazy on May 31, 2011
Tags: side boobs, the blind leading the blind, under boob
18 Comments »

1. when the person you’re texting lets you have the last word by letting you be the last person to text; in actuality, THEY’RE the one getting the last word. FUCK!

2. necks are sexy. so put your hair up in a high bun already! geeze. HIGHER.

3. 2011 is all about friends. or was it ‘fucking’. shit, i can’t remember… i know it starts with an ‘f’. I’m pretty sure it’s ‘friends’. my bad. good luck. xo

4. the minute you hear a girl say ‘I have daddy issues’ run! Run for your life! Unless it’s me. cuz if it is, you should totally stick around/stay a second longer. I’m special and cool, i swear! We’ll get through this, I promise.

5. clementines really are the potato chips of the fruit community. you can’t have just one!

6. hey, stop calling everything couture! Just because you decided to start some shitty clothing company, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to call your gear ‘couture’!

7. driving to urth cafe with your friends, while blasting hip hop/hard rap and ever so subtly bopping your head back and forth is a SUREFIRE way to feel like you’re LIVING the show ‘entourage’. BUT the BEST part is choosing who gets to play turtle! I’m drama! I’m drama!

8. if your facial hair requires way too much upkeep, then it’s time to shave off ALL of your facial hair!

9. this summer is all about skinny girl margaritas.

10. if you don’t have a passport: get a passport! status wise, it like TOTALLY takes you up a notch or TEN!

By: boycrazy on May 20, 2011
Tags: the blind leading the blind, these are NOT my boobs FYI
19 Comments »

1. stop saying you’re an ‘aspiring (insert dream goal here)’. it’s fucking embarrassing as fuck! it immediately shows you are a pussy who does NOT believe in himself! just say you ARE an artist, singer, dancer, model, writer, actress, whatever. it’s ALREADY embarrassing! no need to make it MORE embarrassing.

2. dear Netti pots; thank you for being so simple yet effective! Who knew?! You did Netti pot, you did! And now I do too!

3. when in public, talking to someone you know, stop speaking so other people (strangers) can hear you! you’re clearly performing for everyone! It’s so annoying AND obvious! Plus, ONLY the dumbest shit comes out of your mouth when you do that! What a boner killer/clitoral hard-off bro! That’s straight up 7th grade style. squash that bullshizz.

4. when you invite someone into your house (like a date or a friend or whatevs) ALWAYS offer them something to drink you BONEHEAD! And give them a tour of your place too! Personally, whenever I get to the bedroom portion of my tour, I like to say ‘this is where the magic happens.’ I hope it doesn’t sound rote now.

5. its always the short guys you don’t expect to have a huge dick, that have a huge dick and are experts/wizard-masters at eating pussy. Actually NOT always. But it’s a numbers game, so gamble a little and I swear to god, you’ll be happily surprised at LEAST once.

6. if someone accuses you of cutting the tags out of your cheap forever twenty-one/h&m/what-have-you clothing because you’re ashamed of where you shop, just blame the cut out tags on their scratchiness factor. even though you totally DO cut them out cuz you’re embarrassed- which you shouldn’t be, but i get it!

7. it’s OK to admit that you DO in fact care… about whatever it is you care about! Rather than continue your fucking lame charade of leaning against a wall and pretending like you don’t. it’s 2011, admitting you care is the new not caring!

8. its ‘for all intents and purposes’ NOT ‘for all intensive purposes’. get it right bonehead!

9. uh oh, the novelty of wiz kalifas ‘black and yellow’ is wearing off. Hope things with him and rose are still going OK.

10. ask yourself this: do you like him, or is he just a conquest/are you just trying to collect his love/rip his heart out and put it on your wall? Cuz that shit is evil and ego driven. So know what you’re up to and try your hardest to avoid hurting someone when you KNOW it can be prevented!

ps: i’d be so happy if you followed me on twitter @imboycrazy xo, me

By: boycrazy on May 13, 2011
Tags: photo by juergen teller, the blind leading the blind
28 Comments »