the blind leading the blind (part 120):

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1. every time you make-out and or sex a dude, you take the chance of him not calling you after…ever again. can you live with that?

2. it’s one thing to be witty and clever and another to be sarcastic! sarcasm is unresolved rage and is ALWAYS at the expense of someone else.

3. start referring to ALL eating as BINGE eating. it’s hilarious, even if only to you, and will always make you feel like you’re eating way less.

4. stop being so much braver behind the protection of a text or a computer screen and not being able to live up to it in real life. it’s embarrassing.

5. you know you’re cold is pretty severe when you can’t even bring yourself to masturbate.

6. i’m sorry, did you just ask me if you should hide your ugg boots? yes, you should… in the garbage.

7. dear monster face, it’s called retin a. Look into it.

8. dudes: stop sending vague texts to girls you like. Man up, be brave and direct and ask her out specifically! for example: “what are you doing on Thursday? we should hang out.” girls love this! trust me! do it!

9. asking someone to follow you be it on twitter, insta, or facebook doesn’t count. If they do, it’s a cheapened follow.

10. girls: always realize – guys are never as complex or thinking as much as we (girls) are about the minute details of the minutia in our relationship.

the blind leading the blind (part 119):

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1. Being objectified won’t last forever… so enjoy it while you can!

2. When you eat pizza samples at the super market, it doesn’t count! It’s like it never happened!

3. One of the best things in the world is getting a knock on the door, and oh my goodness…it’s a delivery of beautiful flowers with a card attached that says “i love you. xx, your secret admirer”!!! even if you DID send them to yourself! a flower delivery’s a flower delivery! remember cher from clueless? you’re just like HER now!

4. Know for sure that you will never be satisfied with the lackluster job they do at your local car wash. Know it. Accept it. The minute your expectations of a job well done by people who could potentially be masters at what they do and actually take pride in their job are gone, your anxiety and disappointment will subside. Maybe.

5. Tinder is for losers. I know it hurts. I know you don’t want it to be true… but it’s TRUE.

6. On days when it’s a complete heat wave inferno; sometimes you just have to drink a beer by yourself, smoke pot when nobody’s looking, freak out internally – on your own, watch internet porn like you’ve never watched it before, & masturbate in the dark at 9:30 PM on a Saturday night. At least that’s what someone i know, who isn’t me, told  me they did once.

7. Please don’t lose your childlike enthusiasm. It’s magical! Don’t let it go! The minute you do, you’re dead.

8. don’t text somebody if not getting a quick reply will hurt your ego and send you down an angry emotional spiral. people are busy and can’t always get back to you quickly. it’s not personal. be calm with your text expectations. one text. no double texts. press send, then continue on with your life. don’t sit around staring at your phone waiting for text bubbles to pop up from the person you’re obsessing over. get a life, relax, be cool.

9. there is only NOW.

10. girls, don’t put your own spit on your privates. if you’re prone to yeast or bacterial infections, this will only create more yeasty, bacterial drama for your privates. be safe, take care of yourself, and use the guys spit. at least that’s what my mom told ME! And I’ve never looked back!

LET’S BE FRIENDS!

TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY

INSTA @IMBOYCRAZY

PS: I FOUND THIS. IT INSPIRED ME. I LOVE KANYE.

‘The Blind Leading The Blind’ (part 118) by JARRETT GRODE

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Normally I don’t let anyone but ME write my ‘The Blind Leading The Blind’ posts, but Jarrett Grode is one of my favorite friends! He’s the FUNNIEST, smartest person I know! We’ve known each other since preschool, and i STILL like him! He gets me! but more importantly, he gets ‘it’. He sees the world the same way i do… and even manages to surprise me & make me laugh with things i never thought to notice or think about! isn’t that exciting? i know!

He’s a writer, comedian, and author!

Follow him on twitter @grodezone! i do!

And for the love of god, buy his book “I, Ching” and READ IT! i did! you won’t regret it!

 

The Blind Leading The Blind (by Jarrett Grode):

 

1. Texting “here!” instead of calling when you’re outside to pick me up is just bizarre. If you want to avoid speaking to me that badly, don’t give me a ride.

 

2. You sound weak when you say “my dog loves me unconditionally.”

 

3. If your Facebook profile picture is anything other than a picture of you, it’s like saying you’re not interested in having sex with anyone on the site or couldn’t if you tried.

 

4. Here’s a mnemonic device so you don’t embarrass yourself by confusing astronomy and astrology: ASTRONomy ASTRONaut ASTROLogy IS NOT SCIENCE.

 

5. It’s okay when I call it the Jew York Times but you have to say Jewish.

 

6. Play it safe: NEVER TEXT DRUG DEALS without writing “jk” at the end.

 

7. An easy way to accurately determine someone’s height is ask then subtract an inch.

 

8. Don’t look down at people who try to meet people online. You’re online right now.

 

9. If you think Mad Men is boring DON’T ADMIT IT. (It means you’re stupid.)

 

10. If you want to possess the single most attractive quality anyone can have, be passionate about working hard at something you love doing. This will allow you to afford your own place, which is the single most attractive quality anyone can have.

the blind leading the blind (part 117):

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1. be with someone who doesn’t make you want to check your phone.

2. today’s the day. be brave. tell your friend who posts too many Instagram photos back to back that they are clogging the feed and it’s not okay!

3. sometimes just having a 2 min chat with a guy you think is cute is enough to get over him.

4. it’s not the mean thing that the person said, it’s the fact that they would say something that they know could hurt your feelings.

5. people like lindsay lohan and paris hilton and reading tabloids in general taught me that it’s not out of the question and totally ok to have multiple outfit changes per day. and for that, i am forever thankful.

6. how about before you show people pictures on your phone, you delete some of your disgusting selfies, you  narcissistic fuck?

7. everyone who’s cool was probably at some point either emo or goth but are now past it but retain subtle fragments of it.

8.there’s nothing more passive aggressive than the ‘relax’ text response.

9. there’s nothing more passive aggressive than the ‘huh?’ text response.

10. this summer (and it’s slipping away quickly, so get on it!) is ALL ABOUT iced coffee with a shot of espresso (preferably from the coffee bean and tea leaf, cuz the ice is WAY more exciting).

the blind leading the blind (part 116):

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1. never try to make it work with a guy who can’t kiss. if the chemistry isn’t there… don’t try to make it work.

2. only ever send a text to someone if you’re completely okay if they don’t respond.

3. don’t be with someone who could let go of you so easily or that you could let go of easily with no feelings.

4. some people might think it’s rude to ask your current boyfriend a hypothetical question such as ‘if we were to have a child, would you molest and/or beat them?’ but i think it’s just being responsible.

5. if you ask your boyfriend if he might molest & beat the children you’ve yet to have… sure, he’ll say no… but isn’t that EXACTLY what a child molester beater WOULD say? i know! think about it.

6. there’s nothing more passive aggressive than the ‘chill’ text response.

7. always have a sexy bathing suit and a FAMILY APPROPRIATE bathing suit on hand.

8. you know it’s serious when you’ve only just started texting back and forth with a new guy you have a crush on and you guys already have a “load earlier messages”!

9. after a rendezvous, sometimes the other person won’t think it’s funny to make a joke like ‘do you think we both have aids now?’ – usually this is because said person has NO sense of humor, OR has AIDS, or both.

10. eye fucking isn’t cheating… is it?

the blind leading the blind (part 115):

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1. in a perfect world, the guy you’re sleeping with is the same as the guy you like.

2. if the exercise calls for any more intense footwear than keds, don’t do it!

3. be a keeper, not a cheater.

4. drink coffee or don’t drink coffee, but don’t drink decaf coffee. fuck you!

5. just like guns, cellphones shouldnt be held up & pointed in someone’s direction. even if you’re JUST texting, it makes people in your line of fire feel uneasy.

6. all the resentment in a relationship begins during the trip to pick the other person up at the airport.

7. when vine or insta doesn’t upload a video you shot, don’t get upset. just think to yourself ‘god is looking out for my social life. this was meant to NOT be.’

8. the worst part about having scratches on your car AREN’T the scratches, it’s the weirdos who flag you down and try to get your attention to tell you they can do the body work for you at a cheap price!

9. stop fronting so hard! it’s embarrassing. WAY more embarrassing than NOT fronting!

10. dear bonehead, you can’t use driving as an excuse not to call someone. you can only use it as an excuse not to text.

the blind leading the blind (part 114):

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1. when you’ve hit rock bottom and haven’t been on a date or kissed someone in what seems like FOREVER, just do THIS: stick your index finger and your middle finger in your vadge and then rub those fingers on your neck like perfume. good luck/YOU’RE WELCOME #pheromones

2. not worrying about your weight makes you gain weight, but worrying about your weight make you gain even MORE weight.

3. for me, the most important thing a guy can do in a relationship is hold my attention and keep me interested. #rare

4. you want to know how to age well? don’t smoke, don’t do coke, eat kale, stay out of the sun, and don’t be afraid of aging.

5. texting with someone every day is not the same as talking to them everyday. talking to them everyday means telephone calls. Don’t let the future & technology ruin the intricacies and romantic aspects of our culture and take away intimacy.

6. please don’t pick out the crust of your eye and then roll it off the tips of your fingers while you’re in public and talking to someone. it’s fucking disgusting. or at least don’t do it around ME. i always have this horrible fear that YOUR eye crust is gonna end up in MY mouth!

7. this summer is all about: coconut water/pellegrino/feeling good in your bathing suit no matter how bad you look/vor-mag rosewater/going to the beach/being in a swimming pool/and not being an asshole who uses an affected voice: ie baby voice, la publicist voice. you know what i mean.

8. you should have known he was completely wrong for you the minute he told you how much he loves “Soul Cycle”.

9. people are fucking gross! me included… but like WAY less so.

10. there’s nothing more passive aggressive than the ‘huh?’ text response.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER & INSTA @IMBOYCRAZY

PS:

Alexi’s Guide to Life: (originally published in LADYGUNN magazine)

 

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1. Never date a guy with a roommate! Especially if the roommate is his girlfriend.

 

2. Just because someone likes a lot of your instagram pix DOESN’T mean they’re in love with you… but I’m sure they wanna fuck you.

 

3. Girls, whether or not you’ve had anal sex, always lie and say “you’re saving anal sex for marriage.”

 

4. If you’re not ready for marriage- just use the “I’m not getting married until everyone’s allowed to get married.” marriage equality excuse. It makes you seem like a good person, even though you’re not. (oh whoops- i just read the newspaper.)

 

5. Sometimes getting drunk with people will make for a fun, happy, wonderful bonding experience that you’ll never forget. Other times: it could lead to extreme emabarrasment, the end of possibility, and vomiting in front of everyone whose opinion of you matters. Find the happy medium.

 

6. If it doesn’t look good on the MODEL, it sure as hell won’t look good on you.

 

7. Girls: next time you pull up next to another girl picking at her face in the car next to you: honk, yell, knock on the glass, and do whatever it takes to get her attention and snap her out of her self sabotaging skin picking trance! We are women! We MUST stick together.

 

8. If you see a girl with toilet paper stuck to her shoe or blood seeping through the back of her pants, you MUST tell her in a sly, subtle way that doesn’t get the attention of anyone but the lame loser it’s happening to.

 

9. When posting selfies, always be sure to include a self-deprecating caption so you don’t come across like the asshole that you are! The effort will be appreciated!

 

10. Nobody retweets anymore. It’s all about favoriting.

 

11. Girls: working out together and then binge eating at a self-congratulatory/celebratory brunch afterwards negates the ENTIRE workout! This is why I don’t believe in exercise OR friends!

 

12. When tweeting/texting/or emailing someone a compliment, the minute you misspell something or use the wrong form of a word- like “your” instead of “you’re” or “there” instead of “their”- it totally negates your credibility! Nothing in your tweet/text/or email can be taken seriously now. You did this to yourself.

 

13. It’s “I couldn’t care less.” NOT “I could care less.” Do you get it? It matters! The point is, you care SO LITTLE, you couldn’t possibly care ANY less than you already do!

 

14. So your outfit is the cheapest thing in the world! That’s fantastic! In fact, that’s encouraged. It just shouldn’t LOOK like the cheapest thing in the world.

 

15. One of the best things about a man who’s been in a long-term relationship is that there’s a 99.9% chance that he’s seen every episode of Sex and the City.

 

16. I know you feel vulnerable because you were naked with a guy last night. But before you fall into the female trap of needing him to love you and feeling gutted and low while you stare at your phone hoping to god he texts so you feel like it mattered and that maybe he cares; before you begin to spiral and feel like you are nothing, like you’re sinking into a black hole due to metaphorically handing over all your power to him… remember who you are. Remember that you’re smart and cool and driven and talented and good at something and have friends and have at least one cool family member maybe, I hope. Remember that you chose to have sex too. That you were 50% of the decision-making process. Remember that you aren’t even sure what you want from him, and that you might not even want him as a boyfriend and that maybe you actually had fun while you were with him and that it’s ok if that’s all it ends up being; that there’s no reason to feel shame: shame you would never think he should feel; shame you reserve for you because you’re the girl and you feel like you have to play that cliché role of guilt-shame-regret-’what does it all mean?’-I was used-I’ve been abandoned now. Think about all these things before your ego begins to feel bruised in the minutes after he leaves your apartment and you wonder if or when he’ll text/call; before you unnecessarily struggle with thoughts like he might not be sure about you or he may not want to be your boyfriend or he might never want to see you again now that he’s got what he wanted/all that he can get sexually. To alleviate unnecessary pain/over thinking and calm yourself, accept that sometimes it’s ok to have a nice time with someone; with no expectations and not giving all your power away. And if this is impossible for you, you should have left the club/bar/show/party alone. We take risks when we interact with people. It’s a risk if you get sexual too soon and it’s a risk even after you’ve waited a bit. And there comes a lot of unnecessary emotional stress that goes along with it. So do yourself a favor and make the conscious effort not to stress and let whatever the aftermath will be, just happen. You could get the call or not get his call without all the stress in the between time. It’s so much nicer without the stress.

 

17. If you ever end up having a crazy make out that’s super fun and passionate but leaves you with a layer of your skin rubbed off because the guy you were kissing wasn’t clean-shaven and his facial hair was in the sandpaper stage, and you look like a burn victim or like you’ve had a herpes break out… run, don’t walk, to whole foods or any other new age-y natural foods or homeopathic store and buy emu oil! It’s a godsend! It works even better than Neosporin! You’re welcome! Emu oil! Who knew?

 

18. It’s important to never be alone… cuz that’s the time eating bread happens.

 

19. Dudes, if any part of you wants to woo me, date me, kiss me, sexxx me, or love me (or ANY girl for that matter)… can you please NOT talk about your ex girlfriend(s)? I want to pretend, for at least a moment in time, that romance still exists and that we are in a bubble where only you, me, and possibility exist. Is that ok?

 

20. Don’t ever BROADCAST liking beef jerky! It’s something you enjoy in SECRET, behind closed doors; like binge eating, picking at your face, and anal sex.

 

21. Only date ‘verifieds’. #twitter

 

22. REAL friends don’t let you ask for a ‘to go’ box!

 

23. Start referring to anyone cool or noteworthy that you’ve ever gone on a date with, kissed, or simply met-  as your ‘ex boyfriend/girlfriend’. It really makes your life story much more colorful!

 

24. Always be sucking on a red lollipop. It’s even cooler than ordering a drink at a bar! Just roll into a club or a party with a red lolly! It totally gives you an effortless, chic, above it all, can’t be bothered vibe. Plus, it makes guys think about BLOW JOBS!

 

25. Always be in the bathtub. Metaphorically speaking. #stateofmind #wayoflife

 

26. Girls: your good looks won’t last forever. For real! We’re all gonna age (if we’re lucky) and then we’re all gonna die! So figure out what you want for your life career wise NOW! The clock is ticking! Develop a personality! Be more than your looks! Figure out what your contribution to the world during your time on this planet is going to be! And choose something that makes you happy! The goal shouldn’t be: marry a rich guy, get pregnant, get divorced, and collect alimony & child support. Be in charge of your life! Do great things! Make a contribution to the world. Find something you’re good at and do it to the maxxx!

 

27. Sometimes the most moving thing about the song is the fact that a boy is singing about his feelings.

 

28. A guy who won’t kiss you with tongue after you’ve given him a blowjob is lame. I’m talking about both scenarios: having orgasms’ or not. But he’s THE MOST lame if he didn’t even cum in your mouth and it was only part of foreplay before sexxxing and he STILL won’t kiss you with tongue after.

 

29. Girls (see above) it’s also totally lame if you have a problem with kissing a dude after he’s just gone down on you. Push those hang ups aside and get crazy/sloppy!

 

30. If you’re not invited to a party and have nowhere to go- just hang out at a Bevmo on a Saturday and wait til someone invites you to the party they’re shopping for.

 

31. Instagram etiquette is PRETTY simple: post no more than TWO photos back to back! Otherwise you seem like a total asshole who thinks you’re SO GOOD! Plus, you TOTALLY clog up the feed!

 

32. You know you’ve had a super fun, eventful night out on the town when you go to bed/sleep without taking off your makeup. I mean, you’ll regret it for sure… but you HAD TO! It was a WILD NIGHT!

 

33. It’s really easy to get stuck in your head. I know this first hand. So sometimes you have to remember certain things in order to put life in perspective. You have to reframe the world for yourself. Here are some sentences that help me when I get stuck in my brain: “we’re all gonna die, it’s just a matter of when and how, so don’t be so concerned with what people think of you. This time here isn’t forever, so there’s no time to be so self-conscious or concerned about others liking/not liking you.”

 

34. Sometimes I look at who the coolest, most beautiful, intelligent, successful, famous, wealthy women are dating… and I think: “THAT’s who they’re dating? I’m fucked!” the pool is small.

 

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER & INSTA @IMBOYCRAZY

the blind leading the blind (part 113):

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1. if you’re gonna be an addict… at least be HIGH FUNCTIONING!

2. isn’t “Friends with benefits” more like “People who aren’t in love, fucking”?

3. show midriff… but NOT belly button.

4. i think we can all stop saying ‘pet peeve’ for the rest of our lives. it’s totally outdated & lame. how about ‘something that bothers me is…’?

5. one of the most POWERFUL ways Beyoncé has inspired me is by leading by example & giving me permish to not have tiny thighs but STILL feel sexy! i hope this makes you feel good too. #liberation

6. whatever Francis Bean and Lourdes do is RIGHT.

7. people fall into 2 categories: those who call California ‘Cali, and those who know better.

8. Do you ever wonder how many murderers & pedophiles you walk past every day without realizing it? Start.

9. ‘once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater’ is a saying i don’t agree with. i DO think if you cheat in ONE relationship & you’re taken back, you’ll cheat again. but different partners are different experiences.

10. stores that never seem to be open but never go out of business = human trafficking fronts.

 

the blind leading the blind (part 112):

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1. there’s nothing worse than masturbating as a full-grown adult… and then your mom calls!

2. you don’t always have to LOVE what your friends are making/doing with their lives, but you can still be proud of them for doing what they love and putting themselves out there. UNLESS what they make or do is TOTAL shit/cringe-worthy. in THAT case, it’s time to reevaluate your friendships and who you’re surrounding yourself with.

3. if you’re serious about your new love/relationship, DON’T become friends on facebook! #trustme

4. it’s never a good sign when you check your phone the next morning and the guy you met at the bar only programmed 6 of the 7 digits of his number into your phone. #youvebeenduped

5. let’s bring letters back! #romance #gettingmailisfun

6. hey, how about you make an effort and try to be interesting. just try. even just talking might help!

7. um, what do you order when you go to nature-well on sunset in silverlake? a kale and coconut smoothie you bonehead!

8. a guy who won’t let you touch your clit while you’re having sex with him should be broken up with immediately. this is an instant red flag that alerts you to his being an insecure, inexperienced, misogynist who you should definitely NOT be fucking.

9. not having expectations and letting people/life surprise you is a much more fulfilling way to live and leads to a happier, lighter, more carefree existence. but this is a very hard thing to do.

10. guys: if a girl suggests getting saran wrap if you don’t have a condom, assume she’s joking; because if she’s serious, she’s crazy – and if she’s joking, and you believe her, you’ll look like an idiot.



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