the blind leading the blind (part 111):

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1. people who are TRULY qualified to be a life coach would NEVER refer to themselves as a life coach.

2. NOBODY likes drop crotch pants! Who approved this design? an A sexual japanese yoga instructor?! NO!

3. One of the most crushing things is when you realize that not everybody in the world is in love with you. ugh. the worst!

4. if you can’t say it in person, don’t say it over text.

5. i actually don’t think ENOUGH people are people pleasers.

6. hey girls, you know that rogue bit of hair you missed on the top of your knee that’s like so super hard to get rid of when shaving your legs? GET RID OF IT!

7. always look on the bright side/be prepared: if & when you DO get herpes, at least have a list of all the people with herpes you’ve been too scared, but DYING to sleep with thus far!

8. when someone sends you a we transfer file, don’t ignore it and then lie to the person, saying that you watched the vid or whatever it is they sent you. download it first and THEN ignore the content. why? because the sender knows if you’ve downloaded it or not via confirmation email. At least with the pity download, the sender won’t feel unheard, even though they are!

9. yes, phone sex is totally embarrassing. but IM sex is HUMILIATING.

10. in regards to relationships: keep moving forward until someone is worth stopping for.

the blind leading the blind (part 110):

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1. being mean to your mom in public is totally NOT COOL. keep that shizz behind closed doors where it belongs.

2. always use a soft toothbrush. i mean, don’t you like yourself? Geeze!

3. only date people you look up to, who inspire you, who intimidate you, who make you nervous, who you want to be good for. it will make you BETTER!

4. when trail mix is good, it’s REALLY good. but when you get DUSTY trail mix. ugh! that shit is the worst!

5. will somebody please tell über car drivers to figure out how to fucking get to where I’m asking them to take me on their own gps without asking me how to get there every step of the way?! they’re not even good-looking enough to be THAT dumb!

6. if you ever start doubting there’s a god, stop where you are and remember: there’s a starbux RIGHT next to Larchmont beauty center. um, things like that don’t just happen.

7. there are many reasons why it’s not cool to have affairs with married men , but here’s one of my favorites: you can sex or make out with anyone, anytime. but what’s REALLY sexy is possibility and a future with someone. and not knowing but dreaming and finding out where a new romance could go/take you. but with a married guy… there is no possibility, because all you’re reduced to is a secret.

8. next time you see a guy picking his nose in his car, make eye contact with him and hold it. i want him to see you seeing him so he knows it’s not ok.

9. there’s nothing worse than getting a text from someone and not being able to follow-up right away and then getting a SECOND text from them that’s all passive aggressive saying something along the lines of  ‘well, i hope we’re still friends.’ RELAX everybody. haven’t you ever heard of having a life or DRIVING? we can’t be connected all the time, all day long. cut it out! double texting/passive aggressive texts will ensure NEVER getting a response back… even when the person is NO longer driving or busy. get it?

10. when visiting someones house, try your hardest NOT to use their bathroom. PLEASE! it only makes you appear weak and disgusting.

PS:

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @imboycrazy

the blind leading the blind (part 109):

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1. ‘jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.’ – drake ‘over my dead body’

2. never break up with a guy who offers to mount your tv on your wall BEFORE he mounts your tv on your wall.

3. if school curricula were determined by the subjects’ contributions to future happiness, 50% would be allocated to relationships. -Alain de Botton / @alaindebotton

4. hey guys! guess what?! lilacs are back! girls love lilacs! give girls some lilacs!

5. if his favorite book is ‘the story of the eye’ throw out all the eggs in your fridge and break up with him immediately! you AREN’T that kind of gurl!

6. never let a relationship interfere with your career. if it interferes with your work, that means it’s the wrong relationship. OR that you are a career driven selfish monster who is incapable of love and opening your life up in a real way. but hey, YOU decide.

7. stream of consciousness style texting has got to stop. it’s too much and makes my phone beep to the point of wanting to kill myself and/or the person texting me.

8. no way! that’s so kewl! you met a guy while he was riding his bike?! awesome! but before you go out with him… make sure dude owns a CAR!

9. be in the world but not of  the world.

10. play truth or dare more. especially if your friends are a bunch of terrified, shy, pussies. it’s perfect for coaxing your friends out of their shell!

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: this is one of my favorite songs in the entire world…

the blind leading the blind (part 108):

 

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1. when a guy is about to go down on you and you pull out your tampon and fling it across the room in a moment of passion; the next day, make sure you check for residual blood splatterings on the wall and curtains. This will prevent you from scaring off the next guy who rolls through your bedroom… or what i like to refer to as ‘where the sloppy magic happens.’

2. one of the worst feelings is when you’re on a date with someone and both of you have been ignoring your phones (in a modern attempt at  romance) – until you come back from the ladies room and find your date covertly checking his phone: texting, emailing, tweeting,  what have you – and then fumble to put it away as quickly as possible when he notices you coming back.

3. i think it’s just as exciting to hear guttural weeping as it is to hear really loud sex. luckily for my neighbors, they get to experience both. indulge YOUR neighbors.

4. if the way you eat by yourself is drastically different from the style of eating you have when you’re in front of people, you really need to rethink the manner in which you’re running your life… because this means you’re disgusting.

5. i know you like sitting in your car and talking on the phone, texting, being cozy, getting your emails done, etc. but try to pull over to a spot that’s not on a main road – where a car is more likely to crash into you and kill you. why not pull over onto a mellow side street? your mom would prefer this too.

6. never ever go on a motorcycle ride date. no date is worth risking your life over!

7. braids and backpacks make you appear youthful… but so does not being old.

8. a long time ago my (now) ex boyfriend bought me a Chanel bag as a present. i never wore it because it was so fancy. i didn’t wanna mess it up. so i kept it in my closet in its box. i wanted to save it for something special. and then i realized: isn’t every day special? what if i die and never get a chance to wear it? what am i waiting for? so now i wear my special Chanel bag every day.

9. only text things worthy of screen grabbing and then posting on instgram.

10. yes, summer’s right around the corner, but don’t even THINK about going to the beach when you have your period! that’s when the sharks will eat you!

 

the blind leading the blind (part 107):

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1. I know you feel vulnerable because you were naked with a guy last night. But before you fall into the female trap of needing him to love you and feeling gutted and low while you stare at your phone hoping to god he texts so you feel like it mattered and that maybe he cares; before you begin to spiral and feel like you are nothing, like you’re sinking into a black hole due to metaphorically handing over all your power to him… remember who you are. Remember that you’re smart and cool and driven and talented and good at something and have friends and have at least one cool family member maybe, I hope. Remember that you chose to have sex too. That you were 50% of the decision-making process. Remember that you aren’t even sure what you want from him, and that you might not even want him as a boyfriend and that maybe you actually had fun while you were with him and that it’s ok if that’s all it ends up being; that there’s no reason to feel shame: shame you would never think he should feel; shame you reserve for you because you’re the girl and you feel like you have to play that cliché role of guilt-shame-regret-’what does it all mean?’-I was used-I’ve been abandoned now. Think about all these things before your ego begins to feel bruised in the minutes after he leaves your apartment and you wonder if or when he’ll text/call; before you unnecessarily struggle with thoughts like he might not be sure about you or he may not want to be your boyfriend or he might never want to see you again now that he’s got what he wanted/all that he can get sexually. To alleviate unnecessary pain/over thinking and calm yourself, accept that sometimes it’s ok to have a nice time with someone; with no expectations and not giving all your power away. And if this is impossible for you, you should have left the club/bar/show/party alone. We take risks when we interact with people. It’s a risk if you get sexual too soon and it’s a risk even after you’ve waited a bit. And there comes a lot of unnecessary emotional stress that goes along with it. So do yourself a favor and make the conscious effort not to stress and let whatever the aftermath will be, just happen. You could get the call or not get his call without all the stress in the between time. It’s so much nicer without the stress.

2. i will never NOT feel unsure when using the word ‘meta’ and neither should you.

3. it’s important to never be alone… cuz that’s the time eating bread happens.

4. dudes, if any part of you wants to woo me, date me, kiss me, sexxx me, or love me… can you please NOT talk about your ex girlfriend(s)? i want to pretend, for at least a moment in time, that romance still exists and that we are in a bubble where only you, me, and possibility exist. is that ok?

5. don’t ever BROADCAST liking beef jerky! it’s something you enjoy in SECRET, behind closed doors; like binge eating, picking at your face, and anal sex.

6. if you ever end up having a crazy make out that’s super fun and passionate but leaves you with a layer of your skin rubbed off because the guy you were kissing wasn’t clean-shaven and his facial hair was in the sandpaper stage, and you look like a burn victim or like you’ve had a herpes break out… run, don’t walk, to Erewhon or whole foods or any other new age-y natural foods or homeopathic store and buy emu oil! it’s a godsend! it works even better than neosporin! you’re welcome! emu oil! who knew?

7. carbs, scrunchies, and roller blades are in fashion again.

8. only date ‘verifieds’.

9. REAL friends don’t let you take home a ‘to go’ box!

10. start referring to anyone cool or noteworthy that you’ve ever gone on a date with, kissed, or simply met as your ex boyfriend/girlfriend. it really makes your life story more colorful!

 

PS: i I LOVE THIS VIDEO. OUR NATURAL STATE. WATCH ALL THE WAY THROUGH, TO THE END – IT’S THE BEST PART:

the blind leading the blind (part 106):

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1. be inspired by the fact that Andrew WK is STILL partying?!

2. you know she’s not into you if she eats the bread when you take her out to dinner. either that or she’s just comfortable in her skin and hungry. but who wants to date THAT girl? i know!

3. instagram etiquette: don’t ‘like’ anything with over 300 ‘likes’. it’s way embarrassing! and if you even consider liking an image that already has THOUSANDS of likes… you’re a loser follower. come on! don’t do that to yourself!

4. always be sucking on a red lollipop. it’s even cooler than ordering a drink at a bar! just roll into a club or a party with a red lolly! it totally gives you an effortless, chic, above it all, can’t be bothered vibe. you know that vibe, right? i know! so cool! but try not to trip and choke on said pretentious lolly. #lolitasexy #subconscious conscious inadvertent sex appeal.

5. always be in the bathtub. metaphorically speaking. #stateofmind #wayoflife

6. los angeles etiquette: when in public, never EVER mention having seen someone in an acting class… ESPECIALLY if they’re with people. it’s the equivalent of punching them in the face and then making out with their mom… in front of them. #cringeworthy #awkward

7. pepper had its moment. but it’s over. it’s all about salt now. it’s ALWAYS been all about salt. sorry pepper.

8. when it comes to today’s youth, i think the goal is obvious and has always been clear: write a book that gets sold at urban outfitters.

9. remember: if you pick at the pimples on your head, hidden beneath your hair, and (god forbid) you ever go bald… you’re gonna have all these unnecessary, yucky pock marks on your noggin. PLUS you’ll be BALD! so don’t do it. you’re great!

10. girls: your good looks won’t last forever. for real! we’re all gonna age (if we’re lucky) and then we’re all gonna die! so figure out what you want for your life career wise NOW! the clock is ticking! develop a personality! be more than your looks! figure out what your contribution to the world during your time on this planet is going to be! and choose something that makes you happy!

the blind leading the blind (part 105):

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1. The following words are uber gross and leave a lingering feeling of yuck. Please try your hardest to NOT use them:  chill, funky, booty, booty call, bootylicious, pirate booty, freebie, dope, the phrase ‘cool beans’, a word that describes male genitalia that rhymes with ‘prolong’- and the word is not ‘dong’ even though THAT word sucks too, the bodily function word ‘f**t’, yummy, delicious, moist, panties, amaze-balls, blog, sick, and peace-out. unfortunately some of the most talented and successful people use these words and phrases, but it doesn’t mean you have to! Stop the cycle.

2. When dating a guy you are not in a committed relationship with, DO NOT have unprotected sex! technically you should never have unprotected sex, but obviously people say one thing and do another behind closed doors. and yes, things change when people are in a committed relationship (and not cheating) or a baby is trying to be made, but letting a guy fuck you when both of you are casually dating/in an open relationship/and have the option of sleeping with other people… you are being a fucking idiot who could totally well get a std, or pregnant!

3. Losing momentum when you’ve just started dating someone can ruin a possible love story.

4. Don’t stop seeing a guy/girl prematurely if you’re unsure. Hold yourself accountable before you run from a new person in your life. It’s one thing if it doesn’t work cuz of chemistry, but quite another if you’re not letting something that could be great for you happen cuz of your hang ups and insecurities.

5. If you knock on my door, and I’m not expecting you… You’ll be waiting forever.

6. Sometimes the most moving thing about the song is the fact that a boy is singing about his feelings.

7. A guy who won’t kiss you with tongue after you’ve given him a blow job is lame. I’m talking about both scenarios: having orgasm’d or not. But he’s THE MOST lame if he didn’t even cum in your mouth and it was only part of foreplay before sexxxing.

8. Girls (see above) it’s also totally lame if you have a problem with kissing a dude after he’s just gone down on you. Push those hang ups aside and get crazy/sloppy!

9. If you’re not invited to a party and have nowhere to go- just hang out at a bevmo on a Saturday and wait til someone invites you to the party they’re shopping for.

10. People of LA: hanging out at the ‘Bourgeois Pig’ on Franklin and/or ‘Stir Crazy’ on Melrose is embarrassing and either means you’re a loser OR at least surrounded by losers.

the blind leading the blind (part 104):

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1. instagram etiquette is PRETTY simple: post no more than TWO photos back to back! otherwise you seem like a total asshole who thinks you’re SO GOOD! plus, you TOTALLY clog up the feed!

2. you know you’ve had a super fun, eventful night out on the town when you go to bed/sleep without taking off your makeup. i mean, you’ll regret it for sure… but you HAD TO! it was a WILD NIGHT!

3. it’s really easy to get stuck in your head. i know this first hand. so sometimes you have to remember certain things in order to put life in perspective. you have to reframe the world for yourself. here are some sentences that help me when i get stuck in my brain: “we’re all gonna die, it’s just a matter of when and how, so don’t be so concerned with what people think of you. this time here isn’t forever, so there’s no time to be so self-conscious or concerned about others liking/not liking you.”

4. just as sure as i am that your skin will look nicer after you’ve been sitting in the dark of a theatre for hours seeing a movie; Advil PM rots you from the inside out and makes your face look sleepy, grey, weathered, and old.

5. sometimes i look at who the coolest, most beautiful, intelligent, successful, famous, wealthy women are dating…. and i think: “THAT’s who they’re dating? I’m fucked!” the pool is small.

6. girls: working out together and then binge eating at a self-congratulatory/celebratory brunch afterwards negates the ENTIRE workout! this is why i don’t believe in exercise OR friends!

7. yes, we get it: texting is amazing. it provides everything: from self-worth, to the elimination of loneliness, to information about work, love, relationships, dating , friendship, etc…it’s so wonderful! I’m addicted to it too! but when you’re standing in the middle of an aisle at target, or blocking me from backing out of a parking spot- so enthralled in texting that you’re ruining or at least affecting other people’s lives in a negative way and you have a fucking smirk on your face cuz you’re so amused by the correspondence you’re having that it’s preventing you from seeing what’s going on in front of/around you… it makes you very unlikable. some might even want to punch you in the face for being so un self-aware and selfish. but not me. i’m way too zen. i’ll just vent about it via my blawg.

8. ask yourself this: are you truly open and wanting to fall in love and be in a relationship with the right person… OR are you just addicted to the search and the minute it gets too real you run in the opposite direction and make up a million excuses because real intimacy is not for you?

9. if the ONLY thing good about the guy you’re dating is that he takes his d**k out of your mouth BEFORE he ejaculates (which is the mark of a true gentleman in this day and age – unless you two are in a serious relationship) it’s time to start looking for a new guy.

10. have sex to these songs:

the blind leading the blind (part 103):

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1. you know you don’t love him, or even like him very much, if before having sex you think: ‘ugh, but i JUST washed my sheets!’

2. while kissing a guy, if he happens to taste like heroin or  gets a flake of speed in your mouth… it’s time to move on.

3. nothing good ever happens at 7-11. stay away from that place!

4. one of the most brutal things to drive past in los angeles is someone getting their headshots taken outdoors. that’s what INDOORS is for.

5. you know you’re boycrazy when you find a pair of boxer shorts in your bedroom and you’re not exactly sure who they might belong to.

6. you know a guy’s a bonehead/loser/prick when you’re going to visit him in NY and he says ‘can you not come during fashion week? maybe the week after?’

7. only date guys who have never been married, with no kids, brothers, sisters, dogs, cats, pets in general, who are not close with their mom OR dad. this will keep you from having to compete with potentially annoying/powerful influences in their life. hopefully these lack of ties don’t mean he’s a serial killer, workaholic, or drug addict. but isn’t his not having a dog and or an overbaring parent/sibling/child/ex worth taking that chance? i thought so!

8. if you don’t have the time or money to go on a trip,  just go to a new part of the city you live in that you’ve never been to! i live in LA and am contemplating visiting Santa Monica and/or Reseda! exhilarating!

9. Girls: Just because you had sex with a guy doesn’t mean you have to crumble and spiral and give all your power away to him. It’s ok to still be happy, confident, strong, and to remember who you are/keep your self-worth afterwards. and if that’s hard for you or not possible, then don’t have sex with a dude; at least not until you feel really comfortable with him and secure with your decision to sexxx him. cuz even THEN you take the chance of him never calling you again or him losing interest. it’s scary out there and nothing’s guaranteed… so you have to check in with yourself and take care of you.

10. i know they feel cozy and safe, but getting back together/having sex with an ex is a recipe for disaster and what i refer to as ‘moving backwards’. trust your intuition/initial decision. it didn’t work out for a reason!

ALEXI’S GUIDE TO LIFE (originally written for LADYGUNN MAGAZINE)

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(via Ladygunn mag)


Start referring to everything you do as a meeting. Lunch with a friend: meeting. Starbucks with mom: meeting. Asking the produce guy at the market about apples: meeting. It only makes you sound super cool/important!

•Always carry breath spray and sweet spot wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.

•For ALL dudes and SOME gross girls: don’t pick your nose! Especially in your car. The definition of ‘automobile’ is not: machine that makes you invisible. People can see you.

•If he doesn’t go down on you; he doesn’t get inside of you.

•If you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. This may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

•Don’t eat carbs.

•Everything has carbs.

•If he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. You’re better than that.

•You are a woman. You have the power to cast spells over men with your words, your silence, gestures, eyes, and actions. This power can be super fun/entertaining, and will most likely result in an epic make out and/or someone falling in love with you. I can’t stress how much power you have enough. Use it wisely.

•Always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! That includes cute, matching bra and undies too! The phrase ‘day into night’ should always be running subconciously through the back of your mind while getting ready in the morning.

•Try not to spend EVERY night at his house! I know you’re all excited and in love or whatever, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! Plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! #mysterious=sexy.

•You’re not allowed to buy art at Ikea! Ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! They sell mass produced posters. Remember: every choice you make is a reflection of you. Be careful!

•Always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs, who haven’t had plastic surgery and they all say it’s because they wear a bra to bed!

•Get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss em! They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.

•Try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!

•I don’t mean to state the obvious but: tote bags SCREAM ‘youth’! So hurry up and buy one today!

•Going to a day spa, which involves soaking in a community pool, when you’re having your period is so unsanitary and selfish.

•Never have unprotected sex! Doesn’t it seem like behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method, but they all just lie about it? I know! Cut it out.

•No matter what he says: cum &/or his pee is not good for clearing up your acne!

•Important people drink diet coke. But drinking diet coke won’t make you important.

•Dogs ALWAYS know when you’re having your period. No place is safe anymore. If you’re going on a first date, or to a totally chic party and a dog’s gonna be there and you’re bleeding: you might as well NOT go. Unless social suicide is the new black. Then go right ahead.

•Make a life list of what you want for yourself: What you want to do professionally, where you want to travel, things you really and truly want to accomplish, etc. and put them up on your wall. I can’t tell you how important it is to see what your life goals are every morning when you wake up, right there in front of you. But put that shit away if anyone cool comes over! Yikes! #bonerkiller

•Wear mascara! what the fuck is your problem? it will only make your life better.

•If you find yourself miserable in a relationship, never be afraid to leave. You’ll be fine.

•If you ask your date for a coca cola and he comes back from the bar and hands you a diet coke- it means he thinks you’re fat.

•When he/she calls, let it ring at least twice. Desperate NEVER = sexy.

•When you begin a relationship, you aren’t allowed to gain any weight! Sorry. you’ve set the standard! You are now ONLY allowed to improve. ie: lose weight, develop better style, improve skin condition, get a cooler haircut/color, increase size of bank account, etc. Otherwise your significant other TOTALLY has the right to break up with you… via text.



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