the blind leading the blind (part 102):

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1. when avoiding a call, remember not to instagram or tweet! it’s a dead giveaway that you’re dodging a call. yes, you can always say you were tweeting from your computer with your phone off… but who’s gonna believe that? plus, instagram is ONLY on your phone! be careful! always think at LEAST 2 steps ahead!!!

2. every second with the WRONG guy is a second you COULD be spending with the RIGHT guy.

3. just because you’re not getting the attention you want from the guy you like doesn’t mean you need to fill the void with another dude. it’s okay to be by yourself and not always be frantically searching for a new crush.

4. don’t shop in those tiny trashy boutiques on Melrose. you’re better than that!

5. always have pretzels and gingerale available at home. you never know when you’re gonna get the worst food poisoning ever and it’ll save you the trouble of calling a delivery service, asking the person you’re dating, or your parents for help.

6. never trust the guy at the party with a flask.

7. love who you are, love what you see. Hate who you are, hate what you see. (so true. via Jenny McCarthy)

8. try to avoid doing things that would humiliate you if the guy or girl of your dreams walked in on you.

9. i know I don’t need to say this but labret and nipple piercings are a complete no-no/deal breaker.

10. people being able to see whether or not you’ve read their message on Facebook really puts the pressure on! be aware of this annoying feature and avoid getting caught in a lie. you can no longer get away with saying ‘i never check my inbox.’ or ‘i never got your message.’ fuck you facebook!

the blind leading the blind (part 101):

 

1. dear dudes, stop letting me know during casual conversation the first half-hour into our first date about how average your private is. I know I don’t seem it, but i’m very old-fashioned and like to take my time before I’m disappointed.

2. people fall into two categories: those who receive push notifications, and those who aren’t lame/addicted to social media/desperate. don’t be the former.

3. nothing reinforces being a woman more than sending a long-winded emotional unwarranted text to a guy you know doesn’t want or need to hear any of the information you’re texting.

4. be careful girls: sometimes powder can age you up like 4-6 years.

5. you never know what’s around the corner! that’s the most exciting AND terrifying thing about life! let that bring you hope!?

6. if you’re at the point where you’re in the BATH TUB texting… you’ve got full-blown phone addiction!

7. taking a biore strip off before it’s fully dried is a recipe for disaster! trust me; I’m still waiting for the layer of skin i lost to grow back.

8. let love catch you. you shouldnt have to work so hard for something if it’s right. so keep running around; working, dating, and spending time with family & friends – keeping busy, etc. and let the love that’s supposed to find you catch up and run with you.

9. if you wouldn’t walk out of the store wearing it, don’t buy it.

10. dear Instagram: we’re ready for direct messaging and to know if someone follows us back. just copy twitter! it’s SO easy!

the blind leading the blind (part 100):

 

1. Sometimes Iphone text bubbles and refreshing instagram/fb/emails/and twitter is the only hope you have.

2. Don’t go around hugging people if you reek of patchouli it’s unfair and you leave the person you’re hugging smelling like patchouli!

3. You know your boyfriend loves you when he notices you tweezed your eyebrows… OR that you’re dating a gay dude.

4. Hey sluts, if not getting your puss waxed is the only thing that will keep you from getting naked/having sex with a guy too soon, because you’d be embarrassed to be seen with retro bush (which i actually think is a cool vadge coif every so often, and isn’t even scary or off putting if the dude you’re with is into it too and man enough to handle it) then do what you need to do to control yourself. i fully support it! however, ultimately, getting waxed or not waxed should be for YOU- not a guy. also, don’t forget about how you always meet the babe of your dreams when you DON’T shave your legs OR your privates. ugh, you just CAN’T win! but I’m ranting. hope this didn’t leave you MORE confused! i know! me too! xo, me

5. Stop using the word slut! It’s totally offensive and a double standard. there’s no equivalent of the word for MEN, cuz men have permission to do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it without being judged. Whereas if a woman has sex with however many people is too many… she’s deemed a ‘slut’. #double standards #stop using the word #totally lame & unfair

6. Only date guys who are capable of calling you on the phone AND leaving a voicemail message. There are only four men who fit this description in existence… your job is to find them.

7. Dudes: Uuber is the classiest way to get a girl out of your house. Look into it and hook that credit card up to your new account!

8. Flirting by tweeting at people you don’t know is such a desperate move!

9. Crush of the day @kanyewest

10. Margaritas in the fall? It’s just not seasonal! Do what you want, but I won’t be cheersing you!

the blind leading the blind (part 99):

1. Getting a doggie bag on a date is social suicide. i’m talking to girls AND guys.

2. There’s nothing more simple and cliché then opening a text or email flirtation by typing ‘i had a dream about you last night.’ it’s a CLASSIC! I’m ALL for it!

3. Dear fun/good pop songs: stop with the talking chunks in the middle of your epic song! It kills the whole vibe on the dance floor! yes, I’m talking to you Taylor Swift! i love you, but it kills the dance-y flow of ‘never getting back together’! don’t fight me on this!

4. If he doesn’t ask for your number as you leave his house at 3am after your post club/party hookup, he ain’t gonna call/he doesn’t wanna call. #Brutal

5. In friendship, just like in dating: Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you and another person tried each other on for size to see if you’re compatible as friends, and it just wasn’t a match.

6. Chances are, if you’re over/unsure about the person you’re dating… They are too!

7. Girls: when it comes to talking about anal sex; even if you’ve had it, just lie and say ‘I’m saving that for marriage.’

8. When dating someone new, don’t talk about your ex! Use this mantra to help you remember: More mystery, less history.

9. Ultimately, what’s REALLY important is this: does he make you laugh? is he kind? and most important… does he have a HUGE private?! Just kidding! I meant bank account!

10. Guys: when a girl types ‘…’ at the end of a text, she’s flirting with you and wants you to continue engaging with her. It’ s a lingering, sexy text move. You’ve got her RIGHT where you want her! Don’t blow it!

the blind leading the blind (part 98):

1. real success is when the only parties you go to don’t involve Facebook invites.

2. when frustrated by the fact that you can’t get the attention or the time from the person you have a crush on and really want to kiss/sexxx/love, don’t try to fill that void by putting your attention on and getting your ego stroked by someone else that you know you don’t care about. inviting another person into your life just to fill the void of the person you really want to be with will just cause more stress for yourself in the end. also, it’s being irresponsible with someone elses feelings. learn how to just be ok with being by yourself and waiting till the right person comes along; someone who’s actually available / worth your time and who reciprocates your love.

3. the biggest cock blocker a single guy can have is a baby.

4. don’t pick up your phone if you have people over or just can’t speak in general. it makes the person calling you (who may only be returning your phone call) feel like an asshole and awkwardly ushered off the phone. just don’t pick up! call when you’re fee and alone.

5. make sure you do all the creative stuff/work stuff that matters to you before you hang out and have fun with the person you’re dating. That way the time you spend with your bf/ gf is like a reward and you don’t end up quietly resenting them for all the accomplishments you’re not making. It’s not actually their fault, it’s yours for not taking care of/responsibility for yourself.

6. always have individual waters on hand at home. it AUTOMATICALLY makes you appear high brow/totes fancy.

7. girls: always be the youngest, the sexiest, and the most desirable! i mean, you’re a woman! That’s the goal isn’t it?

8. turns out listerine mint strips smell like cocaine upon entering your mouth. who knew? is this social suicide? not necessarily. instead, use people commenting on your temporary cocaine smell to get an idea of how many of your friends do/did cocaine!

9.YES! you should totally get self-conscious listening to Lana Del Rey with the windows rolled down while driving through Los Feliz, Silverlake, Echo Park and/or the L.E.S. It just feels a little too on the nose, don’t you think?

10. if October MUST end… at least you can seek solace in the fact that Real Housewives of Bev Hillz AND Atlanta air in November!

the blind leading the blind (part 97):

1. if your birth name sucks you should change it; first, middle, last, whatever! Don’t let your parents ineptitude bring you down too.

2. if you’re struggling with an intense drug addiction, and don’t know how to conquer it… just have a baby! Why should you have to deal with this all by yourself?

3. date guys who used to be fat and cute, who are now slender and gorgeous! they have no idea how good-looking they are cuz they still see the fat version of themselves in the mirror and are so grateful you love them! isn’t that great?! i know!

4. enough with the floor to ceiling windows at workout studios that allow pedestrians and cars driving by to peek inside/get a look at what’s happening inside! enough! it’s not right! i already don’t wanna work out. now i REALLY don’t wanna work out!

5. One of the most annoying things is when someone LOL’S at a text while sitting in a waiting room filled with people. FUCK YOU!!

6. if you’re a waiter or waitress and a patron your seating runs into a person they know, as HAPPY as the patron seems, do NOT seat them next to the person they know! that will make for a completely awkward and exhausting dining experience for everyone involved! always think two steps ahead! preferably ten. but then you wouldn’t be working at a restaurant.

7. show up to parties in pajama’s and then pretend you were told it was a pajama party: ‘oh my gawd! somebody texted me this was a pajama costume party! i can’t believe this! i was lied to! how embarrassing!’ and then proceed to have the best time ever in comfort city, mingling in your silk jammy jam set! suckersssss!

8. girls: NEVER say ‘i love you’ first! that is a man’s job! sometimes it’s all he’s got!

9. just because he uses all caps in his text to you doesn’t mean he’s making an effort and REALLY likes you! don’t be fooled like i was! apparently, all you have to do is double-click the uppercase arrow on the iPhone and you can write in all caps! it’s meaningless! meaningless!

10. ever notice how the guys you totally DON’T like and brush off almost ALWAYS fall in love with you? try this as a dating experiment and let me know how it goes: treat the guys you like the way you treat guys you don’t like. for example: don’t be so available, take longer to return texts, don’t be so accommodating, etc.

 

the blind leading the blind (part 96):

1. You can’t ask people whose life you don’t respect for advice. Anything they say can’t be taken seriously

2. One of the most annoying things is when someone laughs out loud at a text while sitting in a quiet waiting room full of strangers. FUCK YOU!!

3. when drunk at da club, before you take someone home with you, ask yourself this:  ‘do you just want to go home with him? or do you want to wake up in the morning with him?’ Let your answer dictate your next move. but whatever it is you choose, don’t end up at some shit diner eating a cheeseburger at 3am.

4. next time he asks for a naked pic, send a picture of you naked as a baby. It’ll do at LEAST one of three things: make him laugh, humanize you, or totally turn him off! good luck!

5. dear all my drunk friends, when you tweet at night and the next morning all those tweets have mysteriously disappeared from your feed because you’ve sobered up and are trying to cover up your sloppy drunken behavior…. people notice. #theinternetNEVERsleeps

6. i love when people KNOW they don’t photograph well. It saves us all a lot of ego stroking. know your face.

7. when a guy tells me he feels very comfortable around me, i get very uncomfortable. you should too.

8. NEVER agree to a first date with someone who isn’t good-looking, cuz you might actually LIKE them. or WORSE, fall in LOVE with them! and then where does that leave you? in love with an ugly person! unless they’re RICH or FAMOUS… then it’s ok.

9. if a guy wants to take you for fish tacos the morning after an epic night, but you don’t want to because you want coffee and breakfasty food like any other sane person would want when they’re hung over on a sunday after a crazy night of drinking lethal margaritas followed by champagne… just go with the flow and eat the fish tacos. here’s why: you might actually like them; saying ‘yes’ to the experience will make you you appear to be a fun girl who’s hassle free and easy to be with who tries new things on a whim; or BETTER YET, you might get food poisoning and lose seven pounds! either way… YOU WIN!

10. sleeping with an ex while dating someone new totally DOESN’T count as cheating. as long as you’re not adding a NEW person to your already too long list of people you’ve slept with, you’re in the clear.

the blind leading the blind (part 95):

1. when someone asks you what you do, just tell them you’re a plus size model. Shhh. Just do it.

2. bad tippers are the biggest turn off! always tip at LEAST 15%. ideally 20%.

3. ‘never take advice on relationships from a guy who wants to fuck you’ -neil strauss

4. just because he/she retweets you doesn’t mean he/she loves you.

5. surround yourself with people who won’t allow you to make terrible decisions.

6. if you want a girl to continue liking you, to see you again, and/or feel safe with you: call her the day after you have sex with her. i don’t mean text. i don’t mean poke her on fb. i don’t mean like one of her instagram pix, i don’t mean favorite one of her tweets. i mean CALL her on the TELEPHONE and see how she’s doing. it’s the right, polite thing to do… if you care. fuck, you should do it if you don’t care. i know you won’t, but you should. so for those of you that want to see the girl again, in a real way, call. be a man. not a scared little narcissist boy.

7. it’s all about cryptic tweets.

8. sometimes the smartest thing you can do when you’re drinking is turn off your phone so you don’t text you know who!

9. only date guys with more twitter followers than you.

10. it’s totally acceptable and encouraged to do several takes when leaving voicemail messages.

the blind leading the blind (part 94):

1. sometimes being covered in bruises isn’t cause for alarm, it just means you’re fun!!!

2. instead of saying dick, cock, or vagina; say ‘private’. it’s WAY more classy & gives the subtle impression that you’ve been molested. #mysterious

3. PG or not, i consider ALL pix sent from guys i’m not into: ‘dick pix’.

4. you can tell a lot about a person by who & what they retweet.

5. if a guy asks me to send him a sexy pic, I send this:

6. …but if he wants a NAKED pic, I send THIS:

7. get over the idea that 11AM is too early for a meeting.

8. if you ever hear me say “I’m dropping the baby weight” the only thing it will mean is that i decided to get an abortion.

9. dark chocolate is more high brow, but milk chocolate tastes better.

10. it’s ALWAYS the day you leave your house with no makeup on, thinking you look like a MESS, that a cute boy asks for your number. or it’s never that day.

the blind leading the blind (part 93):

1. people fall into two categories: those who food pic, and those who don’t. which one are you? please say the latter.

2. it makes me so sad & disappointed when my girlfriends aren’t brave enough to be single and wait to find/choose someone better than the person they’re settling for.

3. sometimes a favorited tweet or an instagram ‘like’ is ALL you need.

4. horns exist for a reason! Not everyone’s an asshole for honking their horn! so get the fuck outta my way you slow-moving, confused, old, texting, bike riding, jay walking, skateboarding monster! jesus!

5. a GENTLEman always pays for your abortion. always.

6. if he gives you water with lemon when you come over to his house the first time, but he just gives you plain water the next time… he likes you less. but still more than the coffee guy. so, hang in there.

7. who the fuck eats candy bars???? gross! if you must, eat power bars! they’re unassuming candy bars in disguise! & you’ll feel MUCH less shameful when eating them  in public.

8. i’m not changing my mind about this: there’s NEVER a need to wear a scarf in los angeles. never. #clitoral hardoff

9. there’s nothing worse than sending someone a long, emotional text & getting a response like ‘k’ or ‘ha’ in return.

10. one of the most annoying things is when someone is way more alive via texting than they are in person.

ps: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy



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