the blind leading the blind PART 9:

1. live every day eating like you’re about to be photographed naked by Ryan McGinley the next day.


2. don’t be an idiot. save your money!!! open a savings account! put half of what you make in your checking and the other half in your savings. you’ll thank me later! think ahead! the younger you are, the more thankful you’ll be later!

3. it’s bad manners to drink out of a glass/cup/mug with a spoon in it.

4. wood does not absorb electricity. Unless we’re talking about a dudes wooden dick and the electricity of a woman’s vagina. in this case, wood will totally absorb electricity!

5. metal absorbs heat. If you leave your spoon in your tea/coffee/soup, it’ll get cooler.

6. Stop smoking! It’ll make you REAL UGLY, REAL FAST. I’d almost rather you develop a sex addiction instead (with condoms of course). It would be less harmful to your health. I don’t care if it’s your nervous outlet, if you’re addicted! Go to cvs, Duane Reade, target, your local pharmacy and get the patch! Then go to whole foods and buy two packs of flavored tooth picks. One cinnamon and one tea tree. Good luck. Haggy, wrinkled, smokers won’t be allowed to read this blog any more. So get it the fuck together! there’s no excuse to smoke anymore!

7. i know i probably shouldn’t say this but i feel compelled to; you should start loving your body if you don’t already. even if it’s all gross and you’re out of shape. EVEN if you’re a binge eating maniac with so many flaps of fat you can’t properly clean all the crevices and as a result you tend to smell sour and can’t figure out why. i say you should like your body because it’s the only body you’re ever gonna have and it’s yours! my mom used to tell me ‘how’s your body ever gonna change for you if you keep telling it that you hate it?’ so be nice to your body. that includes taking care of it with what you put inside it, (food, liquid and boys privates includes, how you wash it, how you move it, etc.

8. you’re ONLY allowed to have popcorn and peanut m&ms; at the cinema if you’re IN the movie that you’re seeing. no exceptions. if you end up getting cut out of the film and you’ve already finished the treats and feel SUPER EXTRA guilty cuz your cause for celebration is now non existent- you better walk that shizz off fatty!

9. a SECOND on the lips, a LIFETIME on the hips. 

10. don’t go in the ocean when you have your period. a shark will totally eat you. i live by this rule. be careful this summer. 


By: boycrazy on June 3, 2009
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the blind leading the blind PART 8:

1. if the one person you DON’T wanna have sex with is your boyfriend, there’s a problem. 


2. if you’re put on hold for longer than 9 seconds, hang up/press end.

3. men put work first. Women put men first. Don’t do it for a man, do it for yourself. let’s change the way we think.

4. NEVER, i repeat NEVER wear flap pocket pants. you are not a joke! don’t dress like one.

5. if you pick at an ingrown hair on your bikini line, people will TOTALLY think you have herpes. i’m just saying.

6. never pay for a man. let him pay for you. if you MUST, split the check. but only if you really love him.

7. everything is better when you’re eating with chopsticks. Remember that scene in the breakfast club, when everyone stares at molly ringwald cuz she’s eating sushi for lunch? Fancy beauties need sticks to hold their food and direct it into their mouth. Duh! Get with the program and join the club! fyi, you can’t eat a pizza with chopsticks.

8. stop TALKING about what you’re GONNA do and just DO it. nobody will believe you anyway until it’s done and you’ve actually accomplished something.

9. get rid of what you don’t need. Leggings with stains?! are you kidding me? you’re what? Saving them for a rainy day when you have food poisoning or your period or something? NO! I don’t give a fuck! Get the fuck rid of them/it! It’s a representation of you. An extension of you. Like your bf, your apt, your job, your clothes, your friends! Do you save your fucking stained panties too? Reserving them for when you’re bleeding and/or aren’t gonna be around a dude you’re trying to impress? Well that’s nasty! Don’t accidentally fall into the trap of being a fowl dirty bitch! Even in the privacy of your own home- it isn’t ok! you’re doing it for you, not him! Be a fancy princess alone too! even just for yourself! Just for you, not for him! I love you!

10. it’s super important that when looking for a new apartment to rent/move into- you feel SAFE! i can’t stress enough the importance of feeling safe. not only in your apt, but where you hang out, with your dude, with your friends, etc.

By: boycrazy on May 21, 2009
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24 Comments »

the blind leading the blind PART 7:

1.  if a fat and/or ugly dude snubs you, it’s time to look at yourself in the mirror. it might be time for a make over. 


2. if you’re in a car and you see a cute dude, honk your horn. women NEVER do this. men do it! gardeners do it! just give it a try. the dudes will LOVE it and be a bit confused/taken a back. it’s like punching them in the face with your new found power vadge! 

3. if a boy says no one will ever love you as much as he loves you, don’t believe it. he’s trying to suck you back in. it’s actually another reason why you SHOULDN’T be with him. the world is large and you are lovable. i hope. i haven’t met you, but i’ve heard totally good things!
4. you are a woman. you have the power to cast spells over boys with your words, your silence, gestures, eyes, and actions. this power can be super fun/entertaining, and will most likely result in an epic make out and/or someone falling in love with you. i can’t stress enough how much power you have. use it wisely.
5. make a life list of what you want for yourself. what you want to do professionally, where you want to travel, things you really and truly want to accomplish, where you want to live, etc. and put them up on your wall. i can’t tell you how important it is to see what your life goals are every morning when you wake up- right there in front of you.

6. wear mascara! what the fuck is your problem? it will only make your life better. trust me. 

7. if you begin a relationship with someone and you think you love them, but as time goes by you begin to realize they aren’t the person who thought they were. OR they aren’t what you WANT anymore, don’t be afraid to leave. 

8. if you ask your date for a coca cola and he comes back from the bar and hands you a diet coke- it means he thinks you’re fat.

9. being the bearer of bad news does not ALWAYS feel THIS good. 

10. when he calls, let it ring at least twice. nobody likes a desperate whore. xo

By: boycrazy on May 14, 2009
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15 Comments »

the blind leading the blind PART 6:

1. on a date, order mint tea, instead of the sugary chai late you’d rather drink! you’ll look way more fem and alluring! you might even lose a pound! PRIVACY is for bloating; NOT dates in public!


2. if you read a blog and it pisses you off, stop reading it. if you continue to read it, get upset, and comment like a raving lunatic- it means the following: you are a fucking retarded waster of time! on the other hand, if reading a blog makes you happy and entertains you, go right ahead!

3. the phrase is: “couldn’t care less”! NOT, “could care less”! for example: “i hate my ex boyfriend so much, i COULDN’T care less if he fucked another girl!” the point is, you care SO LITTLE, you can’t possibly care any less than you already do. this phrase is misused all the time. i think beyonce even used it incorrectly in her last single. such a bummer. in a perfect world I’d like to believe that everything beyonce does is right! but, that’s simply not true.

4. if you get everything waxed off your privates, don’t go running errands around town in a mini skirt. you’re vagina can’t be trusted and discharge could fly out of it at any moment. without hair OR undies to prevent this from happening, you could have an uuber embarrassing accident while looking for soup on the top shelf of aisle six in the super market and there’s a stock boy below you, restocking soup cans. 

5. Jesus, what was # 4 all about? that was random, riiiight???

6. when dealing with perfume, spray once and glide through it like the angel that you are. too much perfume could ruin your chances/induce a hard off with the boy of your dreams AND/OR even the dirtiest of the long haired, broke, sexy dudes who hang out in dark corners of pianos/little joy/the short stop (insert hair shaker bar here) with five o’clock shadow, a drug & cigarette addiction- who you don’t even want a relationship with;just a casual sex sesh, where hopefully no one gets gonorrhea! so, one spritz please. less is more.

7. if he doesn’t go down on you; he doesn’t get inside of you.

8. don’t forget to have sex in cars this summer. tinted windows or not, cars are awesome cuz there are lots of things to grip onto. and the possibility of getting caught is kind of sexy too, I’m not gonna lie.

9. if you’re over 25 (male or female), not religious, still a virgin and don’t want to be……I’ll be over in 10 minutes. jk, jk: but, seriously, go to whole foods/trader joes/the 101 cafe/the arclight/m cafe and hit on the next hot babe you see. power moves could change your life! good luck. and try not to get aids.

10. if he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. you’re better than that. i love you.

By: boycrazy on April 28, 2009
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23 Comments »

The blind leading the blind PART 5:

41. never wear ugg boots. Apparently girls didn’t get this memo 7 years ago. MAYBE when you’re in Malibu, and even then it’s sketch. Maybe on a ski trip around the lodge, but not out and about at sundance! perhaps to a movie/TV set in the morning, cuz you’re gonna change into your wardrobe anyways! have you given any thought to moccasin boots: the healthy alternative to ugg boots? 

42. never, I repeat NEVER leave reading material in the bathroom! What the fuck kind of game are you trying to run here? Unacceptable!

43. always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! that includes cute undies too! just in case you get in a car accident and the ambulance driver or EMT is a stud! 

44. you never have someone in the palm of your hand! So don’t take people for granted or let people take you for granted!

45. social anxiety happens when you’re not supposed to be where you are! So keep the fuck away from those creeps! Or develop a higher opinion of yourself, so anywhere you are is the place to be!

46. when you begin a relationship, you aren’t allowed to gain any weight! Sorry. you’ve set the standard! you are now ONLY allowed to improve. ie: lose weight, develop better style, improve skin condition, get a cooler haircut/color, increase size of bank account. Otherwise your significant other TOTALLY has the right to break up with you via text and text alone! So work it out fatso! Peace!

47. for the dudes and the gross girls: don’t pick your nose! Especially in your car. The definition of automobile is not: machine that makes you invisible. People can see you.

48. it’s ‘BY ACCIDENT’, not ‘ON ACCIDENT’.  proper example: “he hit her BY accident.”

49. being scared and being nervous are choices! So just say NO and do not engage in these life debilitating/crippling choices!

50. don’t bite your nails! Get a manicure and grow into the woman or gay man you are meant to be!

By: boycrazy on January 20, 2009
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the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it’s fancy and good.

32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn’t advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you’re still in the midst of enjoying your new bff…the orange! pow!

33. don’t eat carbs.

34. everything has carbs.

35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

36. you are a woman. you are always in control.

37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you’re all excited and happy, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!


38. don’t eat as much as the boy you’re dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you’re not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.

39. I’m really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I’m not looking to offend anyone here.

40. you’re not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo

By: boycrazy on December 29, 2008
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6 Comments »

the blind leading the blind PART 3:

21. just because you have bangs, doesn’t mean you can pick at your face-under your bangs.

22. Just because you exercise, doesn’t mean you can binge eat.

23. don’t be a stripper. It’s not cool

24. don’t get the lap band. even I’m not this lazy! and I’m a mulchy lazy couch monger.

25. always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs- without having had plastic surgery-and they all say it’s because they’ve always worn a bra. even when they go to bed!

26. watch gossip girl! why didn’t anyone tell me how great gossip girl is? I should’ve listened to mike piscitelli! That dude knows! 

27. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you’re almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother.

28. meet dudes during the day! i can’t stress this enough! some time soon, i will dedicate an entire post to this topic: supermarkets, the beach-(surfer patrolling=you can kill two birds with one stone 1. by catching a glimpse of their privates while they towel off and 2. you’re deciding if you’re even into them at all), 3rd st promenade-close to the beach, after you’re done watching the dudes towel off. hollah! (slang for the pop culture phrase “holler”.  fyi.) 

29. for those of you who live in Los Angeles- go to the 101 coffee shop* by yourself. when you see a table of cute boys or an adorable guy all alone, have the waiter send over a piece of chocolate cake. (don’t be shy. I’ve done this MANY times. so put that in your pocket if you need a hand to hold for getting over your initial shyness.) the ‘choco cake send over maneuver’ can only lead to sweet deals! the move itself puts a whole new spin on the 80′s movie scene where a meathead dude sends over a dirty martini to some buxom blond babe in a bar. if the 101 dude doesn’t instantly fall in love with you, or at least come over and say hello with the need to praise your awesomeness- he’s a woman hating/A sexual guy with a girlfriend! who needs him? not you! he’s dead to you! *if you don’t live in la, just go to any OOBERLY TRENDY diner type place where shaggy haired, more likely to be higher brow, hipster boys hangout! yeah!

30. don’t cross your arms when you walk- or EVER! it makes you look SUPER insecure, and like a rape victim! even if you are, fight the urge!!! it’ll make people more drawn to you.

By: boycrazy on December 26, 2008
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5 Comments »

PART 2-The Blind Leading The Blind:


11. a lot of dudes are gay. A lot of dudes aren’t gay. your job is to figure out which are which. Good luck! Cuz I can’t tell anymore.
12. take a bath in epsom salt at least once a day. use it for your longest soak. it gets rid of any water you might be retaining.


13. drink at least 1.5 L of water daily. but be wary of the dream dashers who will try to bum out your new water incentive by telling you that too much water will flush out all your vitamins and kill you. these are lame, jealous, and unhappy people. just try to drink your water.
14. shave your legs everyday-even though I’m a big believer in the theory that the night you DON’T shave your legs is the night you end up meeting the boy of your dreams/or sexiest makeout ever!
15. get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss ‘em. They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.
16. try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!
17. you can’t feel bad or hurt by someone-unless u let them hurt you. I’m talking about feelings and emotions and stuff. A punch in the face will totally hurt anyone! So take control of your feelings and don’t let anyone hurt them or have power over you. Haven’t you seen the last scene of labyrinth!? “you have no power over me!” Jesus!
18. even if u aren’t letting people hurt your feelings-be consciously aware of the assholes who try to. wish them well in your mind, and then get the fuck away from them. you don’t have to be a hater to cut the dead weight out of your life my little babies! Shit, that reminds me, I’ve gotta sort some shit out in my own life.
19. sex makes you happy: unless you were raped or molested and it brings back weird memories. in which case, that’s totally terrible and I’m sorry. you should talk to a therapist. feel free to write to me and I’ll suggest someone qualified to help you deal with that. you are loved.
20. movies/TV shows to watch if your pms’y or sad or just wanna feel girly and super awesome:
dazed and confused
broken english
when harry met sally
valley girl
16 candles
moonstruck
pretty in pink
notting hill
high fidelity
metropolitan
last days of disco
my wife is an actress
closer
my so called life
felicity
arrested development
Madonna documentary- I’m going to tell you a secret
unzipped-isaac mizrahi documentary
truth or dare
project runway
the hills
beverly hills 90210-old school version
tim guns guide to style
house
30 rock
freaks and geeks
conan o’brian
(light easy breezy viewing that will make you feel like a citizen of cozytown usa!) xo

By: boycrazy on December 7, 2008
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4 Comments »

PART 1: advice from me to you. AKA: the blind leading the blind:

1. always carry breath spray and baby wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.
-Remember women! We don’t do anything gross! I’m not going into specifics. Let’s leave it at that.


2. every time you have sex or mess around with a dude, you should go to your gyno and get tested for everything! That way if you get anything (even though some things show up later/and are latent) you have a better idea of who gave you what! Hopefully you won’t get a thing! But, just in case!


3. don’t have anal sex! guys might get the impression that you’re gross! tell them you had that hole sewed up years ago and you threw away the key! why would we need a hole like that? we don’t do gross stuff.

4. things a man should do:
a. hold the door for you.
b. offer to pay! AND he should ALWAYS pay if he’s the one who asked you on the date and invited you out in the first place. ladies, i strongly feel-and i have experienced a lot to know that the advice I’m giving you is true-that the man should for always pay. BUT, if he cant, you should SPLIT it. when a woman pays for the entire date or rent or whatever, whether he knows it or not, it’s emasculating. men, don’t be mad, I’m totally advocating an even split of the bill. i just feel like if one person is gonna pay it should always be the man. i don’t give a fuck if it’s 2008. you guys are eventually gonna ask us for anal sex, accidentally impregnate us-forcing us to either get the morning after pill, have an abortion, have a miscarriage, or be the mother of your child-so can’t you just hold the goddamn door and pay for my food at baja fresh before we fuck? Jesus! who raised you? it feels just as good and sexy to be a real man, a real gentleman, as it does to be treated like a lady. let’s give a nod to our forefathers and play our parts!
c. the man should get tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, hpv…EVERYTHING! doesn’t it feel like its always us girls getting the testing done? it’s easy to do, so make him get tested. use sex and stuff as his incentive. pout and look cute. get it done!

5. you CAN get preggers on your period!

6. never have unprotected sex! (everybody does, we just all lie about it! behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method! don’t lie bitches, I’m watching you-plus, i do it too. whoopsies!)

7. even when it’s protected, you should always make sure he pulls out before he cums.

8. no matter what he says-cum and/or his pee is not good for clearing up zits! what a scumbag!

9. again: the hole is sewn up and cannot be unsewn!

10. patchouli is never ok!

By: boycrazy on December 5, 2008
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