the state of being single

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a journal entry i wrote a few months post my most recent gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart breaking break up:

I am a single woman living in Los Angeles. I just got out of a serious relationship with a guy I was madly in love with. It ended because… well, suffice it to say, it ended.  The point is, I’m single again.

Technically; I’m open to dating, I’m allowed to do whatever I want; I’m tethered to no one and nothing, but no one seems interesting to me. At least not as interesting as my ex was. And even though what I’m about to say is totally healthy and great, it’s completely foreign to me: I love being alone. let me be clear, i’m not saying i usually prefer to be in a relationship… not at all. those are few and far between, what i’m saying is, that at the moment… I love NOT dating. I love not having sex and talking, texting with guys i don’t care about who i know don’t and will never care about me in a real way. i love not dealing with any of the aspects of ‘the search’ – be it a search to get off  or the search for something deeper. At this moment, I am the most interesting and inspiring thing in my life. I have a million things to do, write, see, make, experience and plenty of friends and family who I barely have time to fit into my schedule as it is. Maybe I should start waking up earlier? And yet my curiosity to meet men, make out, feel desirable, flirt, sex and date is so deeply engrained in me. it feels bizarre NOT to be doing it. I’m addicted to the search. We all are. Aren’t we? Stay with me as I try to process all my contradictory feelings.

I love being alone, but I hope to one day find magic again.

It’s a funny thing, ‘love’; both people involved have to be hit just as hard for it to be the type of love story romance to stop you in your tracks and make you say “fuck, this is undeniable. I MUST be with this person. They enhance life!” The level of attraction has to be reciprocal; hitting both parties at the same time, in the same bizarre/intense way, so it’s magic. At least that’s the kind of love that stops me from continuing my journey as a single person. If it isn’t that, why bother? Being single is too great to stop to be with someone you’re only luke warm about.

At this point in my life, as a newfound single again; getting drunk & having sex with a virtual stranger or at the very least, guys I know are most definitely NOT in love with me, who WILL NEVER BE in love with me, who clench their eyes shut to avoid any/all possibility of eye contact while sexxxing me… isn’t as exciting as it used to be. Ya know?

And going on a first date with a guy I already know I like less than he likes me, feels horrible too, cuz every date is just one step closer to him sexxxing me or at least thinking he’ll be able to. So why waste everyone’s time or end up in a situation that could have been avoided?

Right now my main priority is not to buy a house, get married, have kids, and settle down. My goals aren’t even to fall in love or have sex. Who am I?! When did this happen?! My main priorities are to challenge myself, be creative, focus on my career, pay my bills, go to the beach, make more friends, spend time with my pre-existing friends, do things that scare me, learn, work on myself, continue to find things that leave me inspired, etc.

At times, the thought of being in a relationship even stresses me out. Just because someone puts their attention on me and chooses me doesn’t mean I have to jump at the opportunity, as if I should be so lucky?

I find myself having to dodge being in lack luster relationships with guys who are lovely but just don’t do it for me in the way I need doing. It’s not their fault or mine, I’d just rather be alone than have the safety of knowing there’s a warm body in bed next to me; because while we’re ultimately always alone (we born & die alone) we’re also NEVER really alone. Don’t underestimate male friends, your girlfriends, family, people watching, conversations in passing with strangers, etc. Voids can be filled. Build your own support system/new familial structure. Some of my LONELIEST most unhappy moments have been while in a not quite right relationship. More specifically, while laying next to the guy in bed, or during silent car rides together.

Until I stumble upon my ‘be all, end all person’ (which is subjective & only I’ll know it when I see/feel it) who is so undeniable to me… I’m gonna continue being selfish. I don’t want to put myself in front of someone and metaphorically ask them to accept me, cuz 1. I don’t give a shit if they do or don’t, and 2. That would mean, I’d have to accept them! And, I don’t have it in me! Relationships require a LOT of energy and consideration if you’re gonna do it right.

And at the moment, I don’t want to accept, compromise, be interested, make conversation, feign interest, be sexed, touched by anyone, not be my flirty or inquisitive self in public; i don’t want to be conscious & considerate of a partners feelings, come home early instead of late. I don’t want to have to wait to eat and check in with someone and say “Hey, have you eaten yet? Should I wait for you and we’ll eat together?”

I mean, I’m clearly in a mood as I write this and I could change my mind or more fittingly, my feelings, about this tomorrow. HOWEVER, currently… I am the most interesting, inspiring thing to me. My therapist thinks this is a good thing. Perhaps I should continue this feeling even after my A-sexual, closed off phase ends. Me putting myself first . Me being so grounded in myself.

It’s a conundrum. I don’t want to close myself off. I do love people, and I want to meet new ones, and leave myself open to loving and being loved by someone who I could have that magic with, who I’ve yet to meet and have no idea exists. So, despite all my self righteousness and saying ‘I love being alone’: I will continue to feel this way, but i’ll do it AS I date & throw myself into the world.

That almost seems like the best way to date. That way I don’t bank on someone else to complete me.

I’m a romantic. I LOVE being in love. I even love the days when the oxytocin and dopamine have worn away, and what you have is a real partnership/intimacy. A best friend. I love having ‘my person’ if you will. But that doesn’t have to mean I detest being single. Both are wonderful for different reasons.

I have no idea what’s gonna happen. In moments of weakness when I notice all the boneheads aka ‘the men I don’t connect with’ like I did with my ex. I think, fuck… maybe the devil I know is better than the devil I don’t and I consider getting back into my monogamous long distance thing. But, that only lasts a moment before I get back to remembering that there’s too much to do and being single is great.

I have faith I’ll meet my next love just as suddenly and unexpectedly as I did my last. And if I don’t, that’s fine too. I’ll just adopt a baby, become a lesbian, learn to be a pilattes instructor, and move to Hawaii! See? There are a MILLION different ways! And there’s no rush either.

On a side note, my friends (who are totally cool & NOT lame/ugly/losers at ALL) keep telling me to get on a dating app like they are. Um, I’ve always been very ANTI that, but I feel like being anti dating apps makes me sound like a lame grandma and not futuristic. While I have zero expectations, which is the preferable way to go about dating, maybe i should get out of my comfort zone and date via all different avenues (irl, apps, etc) & meet all types of people & then report back to you guys? Hmm… to be continued.

a brief meditation on dating:

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to meet someone who doesn’t smoke but ISN’T vegan, who’s about your height, a badass, interesting, smart, communicative, funny, doesn’t do drugs – but drinks, has a career, LOVES coffee, who is not only good at sex but has a hip/cool/exciting ‘new york approach’ & is totally unselfconscious about it/ is daring/ kisses & sexxxes in the morning too, is driven and talented, likes his mom & your cat, who can go anywhere & is not an uncool liability, with mutual friends who all LOVE him to death, with a BIG private AND good style, who you met NOT on an app… is pretty exciting 💘

things to keep you from killing yourself:

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if you’re already at such a low point emotionally that you want to take your own life, you’re actually in an ideal position. you’re so low, you have nothing to lose. and because of that, now is the time you should most definitely NOT KILL YOURSELF. let me explain:

yes, you feel hopeless and in pain; but feeling the way you feel resets you, it puts you at ground zero. now you can start over from a place of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ (and that’s a very powerful place to be)  ‘…cuz i can’t get any lower, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let everyone else win by being stronger than me and going on, while I take my own life and then am not even able to hover over my own funeral like you imagine you’ll be able to and inevitably witness the world just keep on going  before my dead body’s even cold – after a few fb/instagram likes regarding my death and sobs that will be forgotten in less than a week.’ no fucking way. this mood is a blessing. let it serve you and rebirth you and make you stronger – ALIVE and stronger.

but first things first, in order to pull yourself out of the deep vortex that is your mood, you must grab a life raft before you get sucked into making an irreversible decision. it’s now your job to do everything in your power to bring yourself immediate happiness (except kill, harm, or put others/yourself in danger). now is the time to eat pizza without worrying about what it might do to your figure (after all, a moment ago, you were gonna off yourself – so why worry about your figure?), go shopping, get your hair dramatically altered, be brave while not giving a fuck what anyone may or may not think of you. Sing in public, write, sky dive, walk, get drunk (but uber it), wear lipstick you’ve always been too afraid to wear, write your dad or mom or ex or whoever a disarmingly honest letter saying all the things you’ve always wanted to say.

but don’t you dare kill yourself!

FUCK everyone else. FUCK everything. Just get a slice of pizza, and take a moment to watch the world. you need not say or do anything. just BE. that’s enough. truly. your presence is affecting someone in a positive way without you even realizing it. i swear to god. even if you don’t believe in god. i swear. people notice you, even if you feel invisible. you make an impact, a ripple, a difference. so just take a moment, be quiet, and breathe. be kind to yourself. stop the constant chatter in your head, WITHOUT STICKING A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH. stop worrying. everything is ok, really. it will be. it’s just how you consciously decide to react to life. everything is a choice. so choose to live cooler, and happier, and less frantic, and bogged down, and stressed. it’s not all so serious. but hang in there to find that out and experience all the fun stuff you might not see right now, but i promise is around the corner.

write a list of what you like about yourself. it’s also ok to think you’re beautiful, even though for some reason we live in a culture where we think we’re supposed to brush off compliments and only say bad things about ourselves: ‘we’re ugly, dumb, weird, fat, imperfect, blah blah blah.’ fuck all that. what’s ‘perfect’? you’re beautiful. you’re allowed to exist. you’re allowed to like yourself. it’s not conceited. it’s just the truth. fuck sarcasm. be nice. i wish everyone would just be nice. people are nice. but it starts with you. be nice to yourself.

write a list of all the things you’ve been too terrified and intimidated to try/see/do because you don’t think you’re capable. you are. and even if you aren’t, who cares? it’s not worth killing yourself over. write a list of places you want to travel to. write a list of all the boys/girls you have crushes on. write letters to people you hate for whatever reason and then burn those letters and let it go. start seeing a GOOD therapist who you feel you GEL with and is helpful and makes you feel safe and understood. start a blawg, don’t start a blawg, take photos, volunteer for kids and people less fortunate than you- because I promise you, they exist. and they’re still among the living; fighting for every breath and grateful for it. go on long walks, it’ll make your mood better. maybe go on an anti-depressant. maybe don’t. maybe cut out the bad toxic people in your ife, even if they come in the form of your family. most likely, they do. stop doing drugs and drinking, the come downs are horrible and are probably the reason you feel suicidal right now.

have protected sex, a lot. let a guy lick your pussy for a long time. don’t ask him to stop because you assume he doesn’t like it. that’s his problem. let him stop cuz he decides to stop. and if he stops sooner than you’d like him to, push his head back down there. learn how to give the best blow job in the world. masturbate. listen to audiobooks read by the author. it really makes a difference when the audiobook is read by the author. masturbate WHILE listening to an audiobook read by the author. take an epsom salt bath. go to the beach, it’s like one HUGE epsom salt bath! realize that even if you lost your home and all your possessions, you’d be ok. you could get a job at mcdonald’s, target, or starbux (i’m sorry these places come to mind when i’m describing hitting rock bottom.) be nice to people just cuz. get a job at urban o, or american ap – wherever the bustling street is that has a melrose vibe in the city you live in. see bands play. go on dates. watch all the mindless shows on e and bravo; it’s like drinking 3 martini’s and being clobbered over the head with a boot- which just might shake you out of this funk. get a kitten or a puppy; as long as it’s not to eat and you treat it lovingly. have faith that love is real and you WILL meet the next great love of your life. be excited about getting older – it means you survived.

i wrote this because when i was a teenager i was really moody. i did drugs (speed), tried to kill myself, and ended up in a coma for 2 weeks. i’m so fucking thankful i woke up. i’m so fucking thankful i lived. but even all these years later, even though i don’t do drugs anymore- and for the most part, am a happy person, i still get sad/moody/and low sometimes. and it’s during those times i have to actively remind myself why living is awesome and that there’s no fucking reason to hurt myself ever again, and that there’s no fucking reason to take my (temporary) mood so far.

lately i’ve been reading about a lot of people who have taken their own lives. strangers. and when i realize how sad and affected i feel about these people i’ve never even met… it makes me think about how their families and friends and boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives must feel. we’re all connected. we’re not alone. we all get sad, we all feel hopeless and helpless sometimes… but be strong. you matter too much to hurt yourself. even if you don’t know it, you do.

here’s a helpful quote i found via @_NealeDWalsch on twitter: “What a joy this life is, with all its sadness and pain, its tests and its obstacles. What a joy to be alive and experiencing all of it.”

if you wanna leave your own inspiring reasons for choosing to live, or want to share a personal story to help someone in turmoil please do so in the comment section.

Love, Alexi

About Last NIght…

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perpetually unsatisfied

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i don’t know what it is. is it a sign of the times? whatever it is, i tend to feel perpetually unsatisfied.

am i alone in this?

it’s funny, if i didn’t set such high, specific goals for myself, maybe i wouldn’t feel this way.  maybe i’d be satisfied. but being ‘satisfied’ sounds horrible too. satisfaction sounds like giving up. like getting fat, wearing sweat pants, & watching television… forever. like settling.

but as long as i haven’t met my self-imposed goals, i feel like a failure. i feel incomplete. i feel ‘less than’. and i’m sure as hell not grateful for all that i DO have. as it is: life is great. i am a white girl with bangs in los angeles. aside from getting the least serious form of cancer when i was in my early twenties (thyroid) and being emotionally & physically abused by my parents (hitting, not molesting – but geeze, what was wrong with me? not pretty enough? jkjk)… i have a good life. i’ve always made a living all on my own. i don’t have a rich family to fall back on, so i’ve never had help or a safety net. and i would never think to ask anyone for help.

but i want a lot for myself. i’m not sure if accomplishing those things will even make me happy, but right now, i believe it will… so that’s what i strive for. and if i get those things, and they don’t bring me happiness, i will go from there. yes, i know you’re supposed to be happy with yourself first because no person or thing can complete you or fill a hole inside you. well, except my vaginal hole- but you know what i mean. anyways… for the most part i am happy. but when i am quiet and still; when i am just meant to co exist and be calm with another –  it’s hard for me. being in a partnership when i am unsatisfied with myself and terrified of potentially NEVER realizing my goals makes me take it out on my partner –  which makes me feel as though i’m better off being alone until i realize my dreams. but that might never happen and then i will be alone forever. i need to learn to co-exist with someone no matter what i’m experiencing. don’t i? idk. i’m so rigid and controlled, and can be really stubborn and a know it all. i even constantly question what type of man i’m most supposed to be with- even when i’m WITH a good one. like a lot of girls, i’m chasing a ghost. someone who may not even exist. this scares me. do i take the imperfect, interesting beauty life places in front of me, and realize that that’s what life is… or do i get caught up in my head and say: i should be this, my life should be that, i should be with the type of man who is a, b, or c. even though i’ve yet to meet that phantom man, or even gel with/be interested in him if i HAVE met him.

aren’t all the answers in me? don’t i control my life’s path? if i need / want to accomplish shit, isn’t that all on me? does it matter who i’m with? will i always be unsatisfied? is this the state of the nation – and by nation, i mean privileged people with no real problems? how dare you. it’s all relative. if you have the time to read a blog or instagram, you can relate to me, possibly. but really, is this feeling of perpetual dissatisfaction a sign of the times? does everything move too fast? do we have too many choices at our fingertips? are we comparing ourselves too much because we have the outlets to watch other people brag and showcase their ‘perfect’ exciting lives… even though, behind closed doors, they’re probably suicidal?

i wonder if there’s more. i’ve been listening to radio shows lately that feature a guy named james van praagh, who says we are all just souls who inhabit a body and we never really die. there is no such thing as dying in fact, we just leave the bodies we inhabit. we leave these space suits. and we are here on this earth because we chose to be; to learn a lesson. sometimes i wonder what my lesson is to learn while i’m here. i don’t meditate. i don’t like yoga- sometimes i do, but for the most part i don’t. i like long quiet walks while i people watch and think thoughts and am in my head. i’ve heard this is a type of walking meditation. i’m a searcher. be it with my writing, via therapy, books, psychics, shamans, clairvoyants, tarot, conversations with strangers young & old, etc. i want to know what’s gonna happen, i want to learn from people, i want to know it’s all gonna be ok, i want to make a dent in this lifetime, i want to be seen and be helpful and be recognized for making a positive difference, i want to make people laugh. i want to feel connected. i want to feel like i belong. i want a lot.

i guess i have to find the happy medium of enjoying life, being happy, being grateful, being in the moment, working, and resting – so i can appreciate the special and amazing things that happen, while always simultaneously continuing to strive for more so i grow and feel like i’m learning something, becoming better, contributing something not even intentionally, just via my trying to understand more and go deeper and because i like what i’m doing. and appreciating the moments as they happen. not always living in the future. a future that might never happen.

i have to stop with the “i’ll be happy when that happens.” “when THAT happens, then i’ll feel like i can have fun/take a trip/do that thing/breathe/feel worthy of existing/feel like i’m good enough/bring something to the table/am no longer invisible/am allowed to exist.”

i’m realizing that it’s the process of being ‘in the doing’ and making of things that brings happiness. building a life and collecting stories that makes for an emotionally satisfying full life experience. a rich life. a fulfilling life. a higher quality of life. i’m even gonna get a cat so i have to put my attention on another living thing outside of myself, so i stop being so self-centered and selfish. i’m gonna go out-of-town without being filled with fear that i might miss a job or people might get mad at me. i’m gonna ground myself. i’m gonna have self-worth. i’m striving for more. a higher quality of life.

this perpetual dissatisfaction is a surefire recipe for depression. and it has to stop. i get so trapped in my head, spiral downward and am missing out on what could be a great life because of all my doom and gloom. things that help me get out of my head are listening to music all the time. listening to it loud. taking baths. taking pride in how i put myself together before i leave the house, and throwing myself into writing/work, always having a book to read or listen to; always be learning and discovering things: be it music, art, people, designers, writers, etc. being inspired or to inspire. be nice. talk to strangers… but not too much and not ALL the time. having boundaries is important & being conscious of the energy you expend on people and things that aren’t good for you or who are not worth your time & could suck you in and drain you.

that list was for me. but it’s for you too if you need it.

i’m just trying to be satisfied.

or at least live somewhere in between satisfied and unsatisfied.

love, alexi

 



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