I don’t hate you. But as the days go by since we ended things, things are coming up for me. I felt ok with my decision. It felt logical and right. In a way I felt relieved. But I forget that I have a tendency to have latent emotions. They can spring up days, weeks, months, or sometimes even years after the scenario I should have been emotional about. What I feel right now is disappointment. I feel disappointed in you. I feel slightly betrayed. I never hid who I was from you. I never pretended to be anything I wasn’t. And as our time together, filled with so many beautiful moments, progressed - I watched you learn how to communicate. Little by little I learned about your comfort level and insecurities. I saw u slowly but surely speak up for yourself a teeny tiny bit and tell me about what made you cringe, or uncomfortable. And as I got to know you, the recurring theme of your discomfort was/is the subject of sex and feelings and intimacy. Hmmm. Good to know, but did you ever stop to acknowledge that the girl you fell in love with is riveted, obsessed, and fascinated by all the topics that make you squirm? What blinded you? I don’t think I’m remarkably beautiful. I mean, I don’t want to be rude to myself, so I’ll stop there. Was it a combo of how great our sex was, my being so many things you’re not/wish you could be? I know I scared you slightly, and was a bit intimidating. But I never wanted to be. I thought you could handle me. So many days and nights, under the covers and tangled in sheets telling one another we want to be together forever. But what did we know about ‘forever’? At times I know I came across as cold because I would say, ‘I don’t want to put the pressure of forever on us. I just want us to be happy now, for as many days as we can be. For as many days that string together.’ And see? We took the time to get to know each other and you finally took the blinders off long enough to see me… And it was not for you. And that’s fine. But I always saw you. Even on our first date, I thought to myself ‘I’m too much for him.’ see how powerful gut reactions and intuition are? But I had to suss it out. Just like you did. But I never deceived myself. I never ignored any aspects about you. I get you. You are a wonderful man. And during our time together I paid very close attention to what I was learning from you: for a very long time I have known/accepted that every love affair is an opportunity to learn something about myself (what I need, what I want, what works/doesn’t work for me) and what I learned from YOU is what it feels like to be with someone who is kind, and AVAILABLE: emotionally/physically. I learned what it feels like to feel safe with a man. To be treated like a princess. To be with someone with strong morals, and someone who would do anything for me. Someone who would pick me up if I was stranded on the side of the road, someone who brought me flowers and took me to dinner. Someone who sexxxed me so beautifully and kissed every inch of me. All this is epic. Was epic. But when differences come up that are too real, too fundamental… That’s when a harsh reality surfaces: Sometimes love just isn’t enough.

By: boycrazy on February 6, 2012
Tags: thoughts and stories
10 Comments »

june 

i’ve been toying with the idea of being this guys girlfriend for the past month. i do like him, so i said yes when he asked me to be exclusive, but i’m so busy and really just want to be alone… but i don’t want to lose him. in the span of 24 hours i vacillate between being repulsed by him, to fantasizing about moving to new york together, to being numb, to wanting to make a baby, to being a little annoyed, etc.

tonight as i got out of the bath and put on my acne medication and creams and potions and looked at myself naked in the mirror, i thought about how I’ve been going to the gym lately and how i might even keep it up cuz i have a newfound incentive to be naked way more now than when i was single. if you can believe that! i know! something about having a boyfriend makes me happy, a bit more peppy. i like the idea of having someone to be good for. someone to keep me in check. someone to impress. someone to take care of, someone to love, someone to check in with, someone to depend on, someone who cares, someone to be my best for, look sexy/cute for.

but ultimately the person i aim to please is me.

i mean, this guy is great, but it’s always really about me. am i  ready for a serious relationship again? they take so much energy. they can be exhausting. fuck, i just got out of a serious relationship four months prior to meeting this guy… but the way it started with this guy was so magical.

but now, about a month and a week in, i realized that we don’t really even know each other. i’m not sure what i really like about him. and some of his personality traits are super annoying. he makes up silly songs that make me cringe. all i want them to do is make me laugh, but they make me cringe. i’m sorry. it’s just how i feel. it’s my gut reaction. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to be happy. i mean, don’t i? maybe i’ll always have a problem with people. whoops, i don’t mean people. i mean: the men who try to love me. the men i love, who love me back. can i even trust my own judgement anymore? i just don’t know.

we operate under the idea that someone perfect is out there for us. is that just bullshit? how much compromise is too much compromise? what’s important? what annoying things are break-up worthy, and what are just things we should accept? how should we weigh the pros and cons? obvi: being abused is a deal breaker! i’m not questioning that. i’m talking about little things, the tiny nuances that make you cringe/turn you off/make you feel alone/alienated/misunderstood/confused. cosmopolitan problems and aspects that don’t affect people who have arranged marriages.

i’ll be fine, whatever happens. i just don’t know how many more times i can do this; go from the joy of the first encounter. the perfection. to the first fight that leads to the second and the third and ultimately what makes up the demise of the relationship.

how much work is it supposed to be?

but i’m thinking too much now. as usual. i’ll know when i know. it’ll play out the way it’s supposed to.

july

and now i am single.

i’m happy to be alone again. it’s for the best. but i am alone.

being single is one of the best things in the world. you can eat whatever, whenever, and however you like. you don’t have to check in with anyone, or be held accountable to anyone. you can work all hours, see your friends, travel, get all your errands done (couldn’t i have done that in my relationship too though? hmm)

but then those moments of loneliness can creep up on you. those are the moments when…

and now, even though i’m single, i don’t want to be naked for anyone.

i’m single again. i wanted to be. but as single as i’ve ever been, i’ve never been as NOT in the mood to have a fling as i am now. i’m even trying to keep from being naked in front of someone by sabotaging myself. i’ll get to that in a bit…

give me a few days, and i MIGHT be in the mood for a casual make out. at least some sort of public, outdoor rendezvous; on a street corner (something not confined to a bedroom), or maybe a kiss inside or leaning up against my car. which reminds me, i really want to get a prius.

just as sure as i am the next man i’ll date will drive a black prius or a black range rover, i KNOW my next car will be a pewter colored prius. it’s just something i’ve had in the back of my mind for the past seven years! i have a strict no leasing policy in my heart… cuz suze orman says it’s totally bad news to lease, but it seems like everyone in LA leases! i’d rather buy outright! wait, how the fuck did my rant turn into a one-sided discussion on cars? are you witnessing me become A-sexual?

back to sexy stuff.  my being numb, emotionally unavailable, and completely uninterested in sex has resulted in picking at my back, face, and over tweezing parts of my body until it could be considered ‘home surgery’. which i’m doing on purpose so my body isn’t up to par for a nakedess encounter. i’m damaging myself so i’ll HAVE to take the time to heal and avoid the embarrassment of being seen by the next person i let inside of me… whoever they might be.

i need to exercise some self-control. but it’s as if i’m in a trance. hopefully the new dresses i bought at urban will be enough incentive to keep my hands off myself,  not in the GOOD way!

i’ve been taking epsom salt baths (to relax my anxiety and heal). during one of these baths the other night, i decided that full retro bush/privates is the way to go this spring… and then i immediately shaved everything off my privates! WTF? i ALREADY know i’m my own worst enemy, but this is insane.

so now i’m mourning the death of and honoring time i spent in a relationship with someone i may not have even liked.

next time i’ll be more discerning with who i let get close to me, with who i let myself fall in love with. um, will i? nope. that shit just happens. but i don’t have to be scared about having an open heart and falling madly and passionately in love at the drop of a hat, as long as i always follow my gut and intuition and not waste my time as soon as i/if i fall out of love! having made a pact like that with myself makes me feel pretty safe about living my life and falling in love. (no matter how old i get. baby, no baby. marriage, no marriage.) i’m always safe. i’ll always be ok. i just have to trust that everything is exactly the way it needs to be.

i promise to keep my heart open, not be bitter, and always have a childlike enthusiasm as i keep my eyes open/look for the next person i’ll have a love affair with. because as good as it feels to be single, and as bad as it feels to be with the wrong person, when it’s right (even if only for a few months) it’s so nice to have someone to be good for.

By: boycrazy on December 30, 2011
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
9 Comments »

I used to be so grateful when a guy liked me. So thankful he had put his attention on me. Until one day, I grew up and became a bit more discerning. I realized that I have a say in who I let into my life. That they should be so lucky to be inside me and a part of my world. Just because they were skinny or stylish or just, well, a dude- didn’t mean they were the be all, end all. just because they were men, and spending time with me, didn’t mean they were gods and that i had to be appreciative of the fact that they chose me. me! i don’t know exactly WHEN i realized that I’m just as important as i thought they were, but I’m so happy that day came! it’s changed me forever and for that i am grateful! Unfortunately, I really love make outs- so I still made out a ton after i had this epiphany! But at least it was much more thought out and i was the one doing the choosing.

By: boycrazy on October 13, 2011
Tags: thoughts and stories
15 Comments »

Our first fight happened as we got in his car to go home after my hanging out with his friends for the first time. he snapped at me because he wanted me to stop talking. he wanted to be quiet and decompress. i understood. but it was still a bit jarring. i hate that feeling when you’re with someone new, and you think you’re safe with them because up until that point everything’s been ‘perfect’ and then out of no where that changes- even if only slightly and it makes you feel alone. even though you’re right next to this person. you’re alone, and you feel as though you always will be. that no one is safe and that the rug will always be pulled out from under you!

i held his hand, but went cold. i looked out the window as we drove home. i didn’t want him to feel abandoned because he said one little thing that i didn’t like, cuz i knew he was a good person and wasn’t evil or anything. but i was still a little shaken and acting like a little girl about to cry cuz someone raised their voice. finally, i said that it was all fine. it would just take me a minute to shake it off and that it was too soon for me to have met his friends like that. it was exhausting. i say ‘all we should just be doing right now is getting to know each other- just us. AND fucking eachother, instead of eating and acting like an old married couple!’ he agreed.

the next day, we stayed in bed… all day, listening to music, talking about dreams and goals, where we saw ourselves in ten years. i made him breakfast in bed: coffee and lumpy oatmeal. the fucking has never been so good. the things we say to eachother; it’s dirty and epic. i actually want him to fuck me without a condom on. but he doesn’t. what.a. gentleman. i tell him to cum inside me. that i want to have his baby. he doesn’t. and thank god, because i don’t. but talking like that turns me on, and apparently him too.

we were both having a love surge like crazy. we were so in sync/on the same age with how in love and how excited we were about one another. it couldn’t have gotten any better. and you know what? it didn’t. because the next day, monday, when he called me and i answered my phone… i couldn’t be happy or nice to him. i just couldn’t. something  had shifted in me and it would never come back. i would never be as happy or in love with him or as in sync as i was the previous night. just one night before, tucked up in the hills overlooking Hollywood with both our seats all the way back, turned on our sides and staring into one another’s eyes. both of us were so happy, we were holding back tears. tears of joy and for the miracle of falling in love/finding someone who could make you feel this good. but all that had ended for me, and i don’t know why. was it stress? did my heart just close up? was it all too much for me to handle? did i have to rearrange my time and priorities, and my heart just did it for me without asking? i don’t know yet. i didn’t know. but it did. and even though it officially ended weeks later- it really ended that monday. the day after the highest point in our entire whirlwind romance. a romance that had begun with a new years kiss on the night of a blue moon.

it’s scary when you don’t know why you feel what you feel; why you don’t feel what you used to feel; when you have no control over your emotions… and you wish you did.

By: boycrazy on October 10, 2011
Tags: thoughts and stories
14 Comments »

You asked me to write you a letter telling you all the things that bothered me about you while we were dating. all the things i feel you need to work on/look at with your new therapist, and at the very least… acknowledge. here’s the letter:

Dear Boy,

By: boycrazy on September 30, 2011
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
23 Comments »

1. i don’t want to let someone get close enough to see my flaws. its better not to let people get close to you. Cuz when you do, they see you when you’re weak and pick you apart.

2. i don’t want to get jealous or feel threatened.

3. I don’t want anyone to get bored with me or take me for granted.

4. i don’t want to have to compromise or do anything I don’t want to do, go somewhere I don’t wanna go, hang out with people I don’t wanna hang out with… and then be made to feel or look like an asshole because of it.

5. i don’t wanna worry or care or be in a position where it matters what someones friends and/or family think of me.

6. i never want to feel alone when i’m next to someone i’m supposed to love, who’s supposed to love me.

7. i don’t want to eat whenever the person i’m dating is eating.

8. i don’t want to forget about my responsibilities and who i am because i’m so overcome with YOU!

9. i don’t want to stay up till 5am every night and not get any sleep and be too sick and tired to get my work done because i’ve made you the priority. and even if i don’t think i’m making you the priority, my time spent with you has a detrimental affect on me.

10. i don’t want to be forced to look at all my flaws and all the emotional shit that comes up in me (reflected in the person i love) that i can only see when i love someone. i don’t want to feel all the rage and unresolved abandonment issues i have yet to deal with that i can only feel when i’m in love with someone.

11. i don’t want to feel a need to change a guy i’m dating. i know i shouldn’t, but i sometimes do. i don’t want to have to dress someone like a doll if i’m not crazy about his style, but i will feel compelled. i don’t want to have to battle the 2 sides of myself; the one that says ‘he’s not me. he’s his own person. let him be and do and wear whatever he wants. respect that.’ and the other side of me that says; ‘i could SO up his game! i do this for a living. i have really good taste. he probably doesn’t even care that much, he’s a dude. i could so up his game by having him incorporate a few key pieces into his wardrobe such as: a green apc hooded military green parka, james dean esque thin white cotton crew neck t-shirts, white high top converse, crisp apc dark denim straight leg jeans, Levis simple dark blue patch pocket jeans, a white button down shirt, a vertical striped blue and white button down shirt, a black crew neck pullover sweater, a black cardigan, an off white/cream cardigan, suede sand stone desert boots, brown suede desert boots, white keds, an electric or navy blue cardigan, a brooks brothers tailored suit, a slender black tie, a pink and white vertical thin striped button down shirt, a light pink button down shirt, solid hot pink socks, solid purple socks, black and white Calvin Klein boxer briefs, etc.’

this is my problem right? but lots of girls care about what their man wears and don’t feel guilty about wanting to cajole him into wearing certain things. but why do i feel so conflicted? cuz i know that spiritually none of this matters, right? right. and yet i have very superficial/strong feelings and opinions about things. i just do. and i know i’m right. and whoever the dude in question is would only benefit from my suggestions. but would he feel like he’s a pussy if he were to take my advice? or would he be more of a pussy if he got offended and ego-y? i think the latter. he’s the dude. he can be solid on who he is and let the girl act out and be all girly and just laugh about how serious she takes it all. at least that’s what a perfect scenario would be for me.

12. i don’t want everyone who sees us together to think they have me all figured out: ‘oh, that’s Alexi. she’s so and so’s girlfriend.’ i’m my own person! i want to be unattainable and a mystery and sexy and not some girl who’s put in a box and figured out and all taken for granted.

13. i don’t want to miss out on someone who may be better for me.

14. i don’t want to feel like i’m settling and being a fool to jump into something with someone just cuz they like me. even if i do like them too.

15. i don’t want to miss out on experiences with other people: sexual, non sexual, and just intimate exchanges in general.

16. i suffer from the ‘there’s always someone better’ syndrome. or do i? i don’t know what’s more important; finding someone who’s rich and well known and handsome and successful who treats me well (which is some weird sick twisted standard/ideal that’s ingrained in women who live in los Angeles and other major cities what with the fame and and tabloid and youth obsession more intense than ever before) or just being with someone who is low-key and a good person and kind, who loves me. can’t you have it all?

17. a part of me is so anti relationship because i feel like relationships are for people who are weak. i have bizarro thoughts such as: ‘george clooney is a notorious bachelor. not needing anyone/being too good to settle is the epitome of how to be. relationships and marriage are for the people who don’t have the better option of living like clooney.’ i’m sick aren’t i? this is my problem, isn’t it?

18. i don’t want to see you be weak. it’s unattractive to me. i can be weak on my own time.

19. i vacillate between 1. not trusting someone who would want to be with me and thinking that there must be something wrong with him (self-esteem and worth wise) cuz i’m not enough or something. and 2. thinking i’m hot shit and that the dude i’m dating must not be good enough for me. i can do this with the same person, week to week. it’s exhausting… for me. and him too probably. not like i would say any of this to his face. but given my weird behavior, he would probably totes pick up on it and  be annoyed/confused/and spent from it all.

20. i don’t want to be bossy.

21. I’m terrified you’re gonna get mad at me.

22. I’m terrified that you’ll have so much of an affect on me and my mood that you’ll have power over me, because I’ll actively give it to you!

23. i don’t want to try to control your life and take it on like it’s my responsibility. Even if you’re not asking, I have a tendency to take this on, and I don’t like that about me, but it only comes up when I’m with you (in a relationship).

24. i’m terrified you’ll reduce me to some ‘ol ball and chain’ stereotype.

25. i’m terrified that I’ll start looking at myself through your eyes and see what my dad saw in women. It wasn’t good.

26. i don’t want to make you my dad; my dad called women cunts and belittled people, etc. and not only am I scared you might do that to me, I’m more scared that I’ll do that to you!

27. i don’t want to be mad at you because you’re out with your friends and happy.

———————————————————————————————————

I’m so terrified of being in a relationship. i create all these battles for myself in my head. i do desperately want to belong to someone and be loved and cherished and treasured, but another huge part of me is fine being alone and wants to remain unattainable and a mystery forever. what do i do? what’s important? i’m at odds with myself. am i only making up all these rules, and boundaries and expectations because i’m trying to keep people at arm’s length? is it my ego just working overtime trying to create separation? the logical part of me says yes. the adult part of me knows that all that matters and what’s really important is to be with someone i like and who i enjoy spending time with, who makes me laugh, who likes me and who treats me well . but the damaged little girl inside me is scared of being vulnerable and being abandoned and tricked, seduced and betrayed…..

i’ve met and been with well-known, powerful men. Skinny men, chubby men, model boys, poor boys, rich boys. quiet boys, loud boys. funny, unfunny, boring, and charasmatic boys. good dressers, bad dressers. I’ve seen good things and bad in all of them. I just want to laugh and feel safe and be with someone who’s confidant and capable. i want to feel content and calm and motivated and supported and understood… all at the same time.

help. i’m fine. i love you. look at me. don’t look at me.

xoxo

By: boycrazy on September 16, 2011
Tags: lists, thoughts and stories
62 Comments »

1. no matter how many mani/pedis I get, I’m probably never gonna pick up Vietnamese.

2. Just a year ago I was way more rigid, saying things like ‘I have enough friends. I’m at capacity.’ And now I look at everyone and every situation as an opportunity to make a new friend and for the world to become smaller.

3. I finally realized why pinkberry is the best of the froyo places (i used to totally not even LIKE it), it’s because they put the yogurt in the cup FOR you and you don’t have to wait behind creepy dirty patrons and watch them touch the spigot with one dirt hand while they hold their fucking dog in the other. Egads! Gadzooks! ps: it’s not frozen yogurt… it’s PINKBERRY! pps: have you tried the new salted caramel, and/or peanut butter flavors? i have.

4. it’s like the minute I see someone use the wrong ‘your’ when they mean ‘you’re’ (or vice versa)… I just can’t take anything (no matter how valid) they say or do seriously.

5. sometimes I look at women who are preggers or who just had a baby and I think: ‘fuck, they look busted! I mean, I already have my own body, face and  insomnia issues NOT being pregnant. do I ever really wanna do this?’

6. I probably want to kiss you.

7. I can’t even fantasize (touch myself) about a guy if he has a girlfriend/is in a relationship. I need to at least think the fantasy could somehow come true on a slightly logical level.

8. I’m not a feminist? how dare you! I’ve never relied (and WILL NEVER RELY) on a dude to take care of me; I don’t subscribe to the deeply engrained belief system that a woman needs to get married/have a baby/or have a man to feel complete; i know/believe that women are more than a body or a fantasy for a man (i just wish all women knew that); I say what I want; I love women; I believe they can and should do anything and everything and are exceptional; I’m constantly shocked by and proud of how much women achieve operating at such a high level of expectation (not only can an amazing woman be smart, funny, talented, and successful… but she can run a company, excel at her career, and make & raise babies too… achieving ALL this while donning a stylish/sexy outfit, matching bra & panties, perfect hair/makeup, waxed and shaved body parts, and in heels too even!; I listen; I try to help; I don’t judge; I have great female friends; and the fact that I even do what I do and lead by example by being brave enough to put myself out there/say whatever it is I want to say… is a testament to that! so shut the fuck up!

9. sometimes I get mad about little things. like the other day, I went to Baja fresh and I asked for no cheese on my Americano chicken taco. but they gave me cheese anyway. secretly I was so happy the mistake was made, cuz I love cheese and only say ‘hold the cheese’ for calorie conscious reasons. then the next day, I went in and didn’t say ‘no cheese’ cuz I in fact wanted cheese and was surrendering to my whim like a champ… but they held the cheese anyway! I decided to not say anything because this mistake was totally in my favor. I also decided that they probably made the mistake because I must have come across as a girl who clearly doesn’t eat cheese… and that was really flattering. either that or they think I’m fat and don’t think i should eat cheese. either way, this will not stop me from going back tomorrow.

10. a boy said this to me once, and it didn’t make sense at the time. and when it finally did make sense, I didn’t know if I agreed. but now I think I do. here’s what he said: ‘men love who they are attracted to and women are attracted to who they love.’ what do you think?

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: leave me a message on boycrazy voicemail 888 666-2045 tell me a secret, ask me a question, say something neat. 

I LOVE YOU

By: boycrazy on September 9, 2011
Tags: lists, photo by juergen teller, some things i think about, thoughts and stories
18 Comments »

everything about you tells a story. your smell, your clothes, how you move, the hickey on your neck, the bruises on your thighs, the scrapes & scabs on your knees, how you put yourself together, what you sound like; your inflections/cadence/tone/pitch. your facial expressions, handwriting, the words/thoughts/ideas you choose to express. the shape of your body tells a story too. Do you binge eat to squash hurt? Are you anorexic or bulimic to control something in your life, because something else/something bigger/more major in your life is out of your control? Do you want to lose five to ten pounds to reach whatever you’ve decided your arbitrary goal weight is, but you can’t, you won’t, you subconsciously refuse to do it/won’t let yourself, cuz the weight is your padding/a symbolic crutch? It makes you feel safe and stands in your way from ever reaching any idea you had of what perfection might be, cuz you think you wouldn’t be able to handle it when you got there or maintain it if you did, or that maybe you’d still be unhappy if you got there? just something i was thinking about. i love you.

By: boycrazy on July 26, 2011
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
12 Comments »

1. Sometimes when I hang out with other girls, I feel so happy and free and understood and cozy-: I think I can eat whatever I want with them and not gain weight! Maybe it’s because I’m eating out of nervousness, but I really don’t think so. I eat because I feel like we’re in a safety cocoon/ alternate universe/ bubble of trust… where no one will gain weight. sometimes I’ll even decide I’m as skinny as the girls I’m with and that my metabolism works as fast as theirs. or maybe I just eat cuz I’m hungry.

2. Why don’t Triple-A road side assistance guys just rob/steal cars for a living instead? They’re so good at breaking into cars!

3. For some reason, whenever I hug someone in public, I always imagine the hamburglar popping up out of nowhere and stealing something out of my tote. He’s wearing the hat and mask and everything. This has been going on for years. It’s real enough for me to actually stop hugging and look over my shoulder.

4. If I were a child molester; I would open a camp, dance class, toy store, run an ice cream truck/daycare, or be a teacher! yikes, be careful who you drop your kids off with! people lurk where there’s something to gain. gross.

5. Sometimes I feel like dating/being a single woman is more like a game of avoiding an army of dicks from entering me.

6. Sometimes I have a problem; I’m more concerned with casting a spell on a guy and collecting his love before I decide if I even like him.

7. Why is it that Lil Wayne can sing a song saying ‘I wish I could fuck every girl in the world’, but it’s still not socially accepted for woman to think that way about men?

8. Why is it that the guy you want to text you doesn’t, but the dude you don’t give a shit about won’t stop? BUT, if the guy you actually liked texted you as much as the guy you don’t like, wouldn’t you think he was a pussy and be turned off? Probably, right?

9. I hate when people say really obvious things to me about me: ‘wow, you’re holding a lot of stuff.’ ‘wow, that’s a lot of food.’ ‘that’s a red dress.’ it’s always insulting and passive aggressive. just get away from me!

10. The worst is when you’re at the movies and you think you’re all set and not surrounded by anyone annoying… and then the stragglers roll in! Fuck!

11. What am i looking for? what do i ultimately want? I want my future husband (and by husband, I probably just mean ‘uuber serious relationship or father of my child’) to know BETTER than me! i want him to make me feel safe. i want him to be my best friend. i want him to ‘get’ me. to get ‘it’. i want him to be handsome, tall, sexy, funny, smart, great in bed, a gentleman, loyal, and successful. i want to be fascinated by him. i want to respect him and believe in what he does. and vice versa.

12. Today I saw such a sexy interesting guy. He either looked borderline homeless OR on the verge of being a rich famous genius. And even though I saw him muttering to himself, to me it just made him more interesting.

13. Most of the numbers in my phone are people I’d be happier not to see. They aren’t friends so much as people I don’t have relationships with anymore and am avoiding.

14. Sometimes I want to subscribe to ‘O’ magazine, but then I get so overwhelmed about already having missed so many tips and words of wisdom from O’s previous issues- that I get all kerjumbled and decide against it. Does Oprah ever recycle her info/advice/guides to life/helpful tips/or stories? She must! I hope so! I’m here and ready to absorb all of it. All I’m guilty of is not wanting to miss a beat. I love you Oprah.

15. I’m searching for answers to questions I don’t know I’m asking.

16. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too good at/comfortable with/and happy being single, and that I won’t know how to make room for someone else in my life… if/when i find them… or when he finds me?

xoxo

follow me on twitter if you don’t mind/aren’t grossed out by the suggestion @imboycrazy

i love you

By: boycrazy on July 12, 2011
Tags: lists, some things i think about, thoughts and stories
29 Comments »

I was sad the night he was leaving, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I was hung over. then, the day AFTER he’d left, I was still sad- but wondering if it were possible to be hung over TWO days after having had alcohol. OR, had I gotten used to him? Yeah. I liked him. He was neat, and weird, and normal, and a nerd, and kewl, and insecure, and self deprecating, and a filth mouth, and romantic. He was an interesting mix of new school and old school. and in the VERY short time i’d known him, I even saw the little boy version of him show through once or twice. But he was definitely a man. a gentleman. a little crazy. style wise; he was post apocalyptic-y/ comme des garcon-y, and yet he was approachable all at once.

I’d met him a month prior. A girlfriend of mine in LA (where i live) sent me a text while I was visiting NYC for a few days. Knowing how boycrazy i am, and probs wanting to live a bit vicariously through me (she’s in a relationship) she told me to look up her guy friend on the interweb and tell her if she should set us up on a date! She said he only liked tall girls. And I’m tall. I’m 5’11. Immediately I liked the ONE j-peg I’d quickly seen of him… after a VERY light google search. I didn’t wanna go deep. Just light enough to get an idea of what he looked like so I could tell our mutual friend if she should make it happen. yeah, I liked what he looked like. In the pic he was wearing a suit and standing next to someone successful. That was enough for me! Done and done!

He looked like a debonair, distinguished, dapper dude from the 1920′s. I liked his eyes. Later, he’d refer to them as ‘beady brown rat eyes’ – more than once too, which made me sad. had someone said something mean about his eyes when he was little? a schoolmate? an ex? i wondered where the defensive statement stemmed from. he was kind of right though, but I loved them. funny how they’re the first thing that drew me in/made me immediately attracted; his eyes seemed familiar. they suggested a hint of naughtiness. I guess I like ‘beady brown rat eyes’? but to me, they were just kinda squinty. He looked smart, and badass. He looked sexy and possibly/hopefully deep… and maybe a tad sarcastic even. He looked like he should always be wearing a tuxedo and a top hat- NO CANE though… cuz that would be too much I think.

my friend gave him my number and he texted me the next day: soon enough to make me feel attended to, but not TOO soon to come across as over eager! Dude had a life and/or maybe just fortitude- and I appreciated that! Then again, I was leaving Wednesday, and time was of the essence… did he know that? my friend probs mentioned that. who knows? who cares?! I loved how adult and ‘on it’ he was. He seemed so assertive and grown up- even just over text!

We were both crazy busy, and the only time he could meet the next day (Tuesday) was during the day, and I was leaving Wednesday. So we made a plan for Tuesday at 12:15pm. I’d only have till 1:15pm to meet with him, under the guise of him showing me his studio and what he was working on. What was this, a bro-sesh? A hang sesh? A blind date with a very strict time frame and no label? YIKES! Luckily, I was feeling especially open and brave and fearless; so whatever this was, it could at least be an opportunity to meet a new person, make a new friend, walk through being scared, and get a new story to tell… Right? As long as the story wasn’t the intro to my eulogy or obituary, I’d be fine, right/yeah! A plan was made!

I got there a bit early, so I went into some weird jenky sephora like store next door to kill some time. They actually had lots of neat stuff I could’ve TOTALLY seen myself wasting money on. But I was way too nervous to shop responsibly or even impulse buy! I felt someone leering at me, and not in a good way! Was it the boy of my dreams?

Oh. No. It was a pudgy bloated shop boy with a manic panicked mohawk and so much hair spray and/or gel in his hair I couldn’t believe it. plus he was like forty! Good for him. Good for him? Immediately, to diffuse any sexual tension he might have been harboring for me/for ‘us’… I told him all about the blind date I was on my way to. He rolled his eyes and said ‘lame. You should cancel and go out with me.’ hmm, had I taken him up on his offer, would he have really left work early for me? What a sweetheart! But I seriously doubt it.

Oh shit, it was 12:10. i had to go! As I ran out, manic panic dude asked me for my number. I looked back and muttered something about finding me on facebook instead. He SCOFFED and said ‘facebook? yeah right. i don’t think so!’ Did manic panic dude just diss me? Oh well, I had somewhere to be!

(to be continued)

PS:

1. follow me on twitter

2. subscribe to me on youtube

3. leave me a voicemail message here: (888) 666-2045

tell me a secret, ask me a question, say something neat.

By: boycrazy on June 27, 2011
Tags: thoughts and stories
5 Comments »