naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 1 of a gazillion):

so much stuff has happened. i haven’t written about my personal life in a while. i’ve been wanting to, but every time i tried to force myself… i’d do every other thing possible to avoid sitting down and writing. and i’ve been up to so much too! i’ve been having so many adventures, i’ve been using that as an excuse for not writing ‘well i’m too busy collecting stories.’ or ‘i can’t beat myself up for not writing because this is the down time where i’m supposed to experience things and reflect and…. zzzzzzz’. so now i’m sitting down and facing myself. what the fuck have i been up to? what the fuck have i been doing? where do i even start? i got out of a relationship… and the dude i dated is so unattractive to me now, i can’t even look back. however… the sex was great and he was kind. but given the opportunity, i will never sleep with him again. i call that ‘moving backwards’. i’m not saying the stories i’m about to tell you don’t involve me sleeping with guys i vowed never to mess around with again… i just mean, not THAT guy. even as we were breaking up; as i sat in his car during that cliché uncomfortable silence that happens when you sit in a car at night with the person you’re about to not be in a relationship with anymore… while i was semi tearing up, i was doing an internal inventory of the boys i’d been wanting to sleep with/guys i could potentially hook up with now that i was single! guys i’d met, known, seen that i thought ‘hmm… if and when i become single, he seems neat/sexy/cool/interesting… (or) i’d really love to make-out/be fucked by that guy!’ but no one even came to mind!

immediately after the break up, i just kept moving forward (like a shark?) for a moment i was fixated on a guy who was married but that’s not my style. i know better. and that momentary crush dissipated quickly. next i slept with a guy i’d met through a friend. over drinks, he gave me the impression he had split from his girlfriend. but after we slept together, he told me he was married, but that they were in a ‘weird place and taking space’. what the fuck? um, why didn’t anyone think to tell me about this? where was the wedding ring he was supposed to be wearing? why didn’t i know this before he asked me to drinks? fuck! even though this was not my problem, this was definitely NOT the type of experience i wanted to continue or repeat. we remained friends (and by friends, i mean casual acquaintances) but before we said goodbye, i talked to him for a very long while (over the phone) about his options/what his behavior meant. i tried to help him look at himself. but all he had were answers that made him feel less guilty and as if he had his life all figured out/wrapped up in a bow/and an excuse for everything. ha! i was already used to this type of lying one does to ones self from my conversations with the previous married guy i’d tried to psychoanalyze. i was very familiar with this bizarro compartmentalizing and rationalizing people who are too scared to just follow their heart do. they like to explain away to whoever will listen… but really, they’re talking to themselves.

i only had enough energy to say a few words to the guy. cuz this type of convo is exhausting and more often than not, results in nothing changing:  ‘jesus fucking christ, the golden rule is treat people the way you want to be treated! if you don’t want to be with her, leave. the world won’t implode. you’ll both be okay. you’ll be doing each other a service. thank god you two don’t have kids! get out before she accidentally gets pregnant! or what if you cheat on her and get a disease and then give it to HER?! this isn’t ok! how would you feel if your wife walked around without a ring on, acted as if she were single, and slept with someone? probably not so good!’ ‘but she wouldn’t be able to survive without me. she’d crumble. she’s not strong enough. i wait around cuz maybe it’ll get better.’ ‘but how hard is it supposed to be? you’re still young! it’s not supposed to be this hard! you cheated! the trust is gone! this is not ok! oh, you think she wouldn’t be ok without you? she’d crumble? oh, really? fuck you! that is so self-indulgent! she’d be fine! believe me! do her a favor and end it! let her show you how fine she’d be! you’re being a pussy! you’re lying to yourself because you’re scared to be alone, you’re a people pleaser, and you want it both ways! That’s not ok!’

He decided to stay with his wife. yikes. these two back to back experiences with unhappy, confused, unavailable men made me question love/monogamy/and marriage… for a SECOND. then i remembered (after talking to dr. drew during one of my 7th grade style call in’s to loveline on kroq) that these are two very specific cases and don’t represent all men. phew. but why was i attracting such emotionally confused and unavailable men? was it because they were a reflection of me? was i just as confused and unavailable as them? or did they need to meet me because i was the perfect person to have a conversation with to send them back in the right direction… whatever that means? or at least a direction toward living a more clear and honest life? hmmm. who knows? but it didn’t go un-looked at on my end.

next, i went on a date with a SINGLE guy: tall, young, beautiful and totally wrong for me because i was completely uninterested in nearly everything he had to say. i didn’t want to be… but i was. we were in very different place in our lives. he gave me an epic guitar lesson… and that was the highlight. i wished it had been just that. i could have kept having him show me chords forever. he was such a wonderful teacher. thanks to him and our date, i realized that there’s a big difference between being able to play guitar and being able to teach guitar or teach anything in general. you can be a master at something, but it’s a completely different skill to be able to teach someone something. teaching takes patience and the art of communicating clearly.  he was lovely, just not for me. we did not have sex; but he DID try to lick my privates… and i appreciate that!

i had lost a lot of weight at the tail end of my relationship because i’d been stressed from work. however, the week my relationship ended (in an empty indian restaurant on ventura blvd aka ‘the valley’ btw) my life suddenly slowed down. i feared i’d put weight back on… and i did. not a ton. i just went back to my normal self. no big deal. but i used this as an excuse to go into lock down mode. i needed to be alone. i needed to mourn the death of my relationship. i didn’t feel sexy. i didn’t want to be touched. i stayed in and watched bad tv- reality show bullshit, movies, the original 90210, sex and the city, something borrowed, an unmarried woman, broken english. i picked at my skin and tried to self sabotage….

and then out of nowhere, something shifted. i was in a weird place. NO, a NEW weird place. i was (metaphorically speaking) in a waiting room – work wise. i’d had all these meetings about projects and stuff and whatever and now all i could do was wait to hear back from the powers that be.

and even though i was continuing to wake up, breathe, eat, sleep, podcast, do some mediocre blawging and run errands, i felt aimless and a bit hopeless. but my previous isolated/internal depression turned into something else. i felt like i had nothing to lose.

i woke up one day and i no longer cared to stay in all night watching bad tv, hiding up in my apartment.

i wanted to be reckless and get drunk and make out and have sex and adventures. i didn’t give a fuck! was it because it was getting warmer out? no. i was living by a new code. i had a subconscious (now conscious) mantra going on in the back of my mind: ‘we’re all gonna die. it’s just a matter of when and how. so collect as many adventures as possible.’ and that’s when shit got exciting. this is just an intro to the stories to come… (to be continued)

and so it was…

at the expense of my own feelings, i’m happy that i could help wake someone up in regards to his life/happiness/and responsibilities. i got sucked into a situation out of nowhere, and was all of a sudden an unavailable mans crush. i kept reminding him that this wasn’t ok and that he needed to evaluate his life… and somewhere in between flirting sessions and my stern voice of reason (and a lot of moments of me loving and indulging in the attention and wishing he could be mine) he finally woke up and i went the complete other way and fell in ‘like’ with him. what began with him being vulnerable, ended with me being the one exposed and vulnerable. but that’s ok. if all it took was my hearts reciprocation, mixed with a handful of mini lectures from me to him about my feeling sorry for him and him needing to sort his life out and get his affairs in order… cuz this wasn’t an ideal situation for any of the parties involved-to make him stop living in a fantasy land/avoiding his problems/ and sleepwalking through life… than that was ok. i know i’ll be fine. for me this was a blip (albeit, emotional) that fed my ego and was slightly entertaining and exciting… but mostly painful. and despite my vulnerability in the end, i wasn’t at all embarrassed or regretful… i was happy our paths crossed and i could help steer him in the right direction. a direction that would give him clarity and resolve, whatever he decided to do… as opposed to confusing the issue more and creating a painful situation for my heart. yeah, maybe he’ll find clarity… or maybe he’ll just find another girl. one who makes it easier, has weaker morals, less self-respect, and low self-esteem.

a momentary distraction…

once upon a time, a long long time ago… i met a boy. he sought me out, and i didn’t really understand why. he was so many things, all at once:

cute and neat and fucked up and manic and talented and kooky and weird and inspiring and manipulative and charismatic, and in the most technical sense, unavailable. i was drawn to him, even though i knew better. he made me happy and excited. he made my heart beat faster. he confused me, and made me feel as though he might be lying to me the majority of the time, mixed with the vibe that he was being more candid with me than anyone else is capable of. but i’ll make that description sound more romantic and upbeat by summing it up as: he intrigued me. i felt special around him. i saw me in him. and although we never had sex, there were nights where i thought about him inside me. but these were only occasional/passing fantasies in my mind’s eye, while i lay in the dark. but overall the connection was more emotional, and cerebral than anything else… but only because we couldn’t be physical. he was spoken for. but why did he seek me out? why was he doing this to me? was he a bipolar, ego maniacal, monster? or did he really just like me and this was a complicated situation? was i living in my own woody allen movie? how exciting! but why did this feel way less funny and glamorous and more like a constant power/ego struggle?

most of the time, i didn’t trust a word he said. it was like he was trying to cast a spell on me, but he didn’t realize i was the wrong girl to do that with. i needed a distraction just as badly as he did, but the difference between us was that i was completely free and had nothing to lose and could do whatever i want… and was too smart to fall for his bullshit or believe his explanations of ‘how things were and why they were that way and what it all was, what it might be like if we were in love, if we were together, but why we couldn’t be together… at least for now. blah blah blah’ but HE was the one tied to a life he was unsure of. not me. the joke was on him.

at first i wasn’t even attracted to him. but then he won me over. i gave in to his advances and attention. fuck! i got sucked in. how did this happen?

he promised me nothing, so he was guilty of nothing… right? i mean, i wasn’t even asking for anything. i just wanted him to admit that he was being reckless with someones feelings. mine. well, not JUST mine.

i could see him and his situation so clearly. he had so many issues and obstacles and responsibilities he was trying to compartmentalize and ignore. i saw this. and he did too, i think. but while he thought he was explaining things away to me and convincing me of something and manipulating me, even though it may have only been benevolent and sub conscious… ultimately i felt sorry for him. i was just a by-product of his unhappiness/unfulfillment. but now i was emotionally involved. i mean, i’m ONLY human!

i was drawn to him because i found him fascinating (but i’m sure it had to do with daddy issues and an inclination to be attracted to unavailable dudes too) and i wanted a play thing too, just like he did. but more than anything, i wanted him to be the EXCEPTION to the rule. a concept he threw out to me when i’d been more cavalier about the whole situation. (i wanted to believe that i was special and that he really liked ME and his attention/crush on me was a unique situation. one that he’d never experienced. after all, there are no rules, right? weirder shit happens all the time, right? oh jesus. i knew i was lying to myself. he was getting in my head. fuck! i was so much better than this, so much smarter than this!) and yes, i didn’t feel safe with him… at all, and i never would. because the ideal man you fall in love with is one that makes you feel safe and is impeccable with his word, and this guy was NOT that guy. but this was a delicate dance i was willing to try… for at least a little while. some days i felt romantic. some days i felt annoyed. but mostly i was excited to be distracted and live in a grey zone for a bit. i tried to lie to myself and tell myself i was just as emotionally unavailable as him. but that was a lie. i was available. i could be available. and that was the most heartbreaking thing about all this… if i were allowed to, i would have loved to be completely FULL BLOWN in love with him! instead, i told myself that i was too busy and too smart to fall into this emotional death trap… at least whole heartedly… but i was falling more and more every day, against my better judgement.

i told myself it wouldn’t get hard for me or be hurtful for me as long as i knew that i couldn’t get vulnerable. but as tough as i pretend to be… i’m painfully vulnerable. and our phone calls, texts, and casual flirty asides just sucked me in more and did my head in. i liked him. i wanted to be with him. even though i’d never be able to trust him because the foundation of our relationship was cracked and the situation in which we’d met was shady. how did i let this happen?

there were moments i got sad about it; because had this been someone (just as funny and cute and inspiring) who was as free/available as me… it could have been the most wonderful, explosive, crazy, passionate, creative experience/union ever! with limitless possibilities for romance and adventure and epic sexxx. but this just wasn’t the case. at least it made me clear on what i longed for; what i craved and would hopefully find with someone else in the future… be it near or far. at least this unavailable person gave me a bittersweet taste of that… and i didn’t hate him for it. i was frustrated, but thankful. and maybe we would even at least be friends for a long time? (i doubt it.)

so, for whatever reason, i pushed logic aside because it’s what i felt compelled to get mixed up in. i needed to do this. and by ‘do this’ i just mean keep him in my life/be around him… even though i knew this wouldn’t end well (for me) and that he was really selfish to seek me out, get in my head, and play with my heart/affections… when ultimately, he’d NEVER be available to me.

but at that time in my life, i needed this distraction to get me to my NEXT distraction/life lesson. i needed a beautiful mind fuck. it’s not cheating if it’s MIND fucking… right?



i haven’t even been able to successfully masturbate recently. i mean, if i was in the mood to even try, i would be successful at it… but i haven’t been. i’m walking around in the weirdest mood lately. sure. i just got an i-phone, so life can’t be ALL that bad. now i have more incentive to get in a car wreck while i’m pretending NOT to be: a) fascinated by how much my phone can do/ b) texting and driving. and ps: day one of owning the i-phone, when i’m not driving, i’m walking around los Angeles talking to anyone who will listen/crosses my path and saying things like ‘hey, do you have an i-phone?’ ‘yeah. why?’ ‘cuz, i just got one. so, yeah. i have one too now. it’s crazy, right?!’ while the person just looks at me with a deadpan expression thinking ‘this poor girl. where was she two years ago when i was as excited as she is now? poor thing. she can’t even partake in the collective excitement that passed her by.’ and then i say ‘do you have Siri?’ and that’s when i realize there’s an i-phone class system. and as much as i want to connect, i can’t; cuz we’re the same but different.

anyway, i-phone bullshit aside, i don’t know if it was the full moon the other day, or my recent break up, or mercury in retrograde or whatever else people are saying is causing the general collective moodiness… but i feel weird. i feel like i’ve been sleep walking. i feel glazed over. i ALREADY blame my i-phone for that! to be fair, i should blame my blackberry too. the i-phone is just an intense chaser. regardless, here’s where i’m at: i’m watching too much tv. late nights up till 7am watching back to back episodes of the original Beverly hills 90210 on dvd; every Kardashian show; mob wives; each and every ‘real housewives of…’ wherever, bravo Andy in the clubhouse; bettheny ever after; tmz; the soup; Chelsea lately; fuck… i even watched ‘shahs of sunset’! ‘SHAHS OF MOTHERFUCKING SUNSET!” i promised myself i wouldnt! BUT I DID! and when i tell my friends i was up till 7am and my eyes are burning, they get excited, thinking i was having sex or raging or having adventures – which i’m known to do. but no. i’ve been in a bizarro, glazed over, lethargic, haze these past ten days. ten days is it?

i’m trying  my hardest not to pick at bumps on my body that no one can see but me (i call this behavior ‘home surgery’/self sabotage) because I’m anxiety ridden and worried that my dreams aren’t gonna come true and that ultimately everything isn’t gonna be ok. i also think the picking is me subconsciously, but now consciously, trying to prevent myself from getting naked in front of strangers. this behavior isn’t new for me. it seems to always strike when i’m in between relationships. i just forget about this. i block it out. like how girls block out the warning signs that they’re gonna get their period… even though it happens every month. or how women (or so i’ve heard) block out how painful it is to give birth. cuz if they didn’t, they’d never have another kid again. i guess i block out my post break up behavior because if i didn’t i might never jump back into being in love again?

during this slump… i’ve found moments of warmth come while watching ‘something borrowed’ for the umpteenth time. i’ve even found myself literally saying to myself things like “John Krasinski is so likable. he’s the new tom hanks! i’m telling you!” and “this ginnifer goodwin girl has such a lovable face. i really adore her. i don’t even care that she spells her name all weird with a ‘g’ or whatevs.” and “this might be the best work Kate Hudson has ever done. for real. and yeah, i’m even factoring in her performance in ‘almost famous’ too, even.”

i still have no crush on anyone. i’m pissed and disenchanted that my ex boyfriend turned out to be what i hoped/thought he wasn’t when i first met him: a pussy. someone too sensitive and overall, someone not strong enough for me. someone who refused to see me clearly, but pretended to. someone who did himself the disservice of not being his true self around me because i intimidated him. all of this bums me out, because all i thought he was doing and all i wanted him to be was himself. all i wanted him to do was love me and not be phased by me and my sense of humor. i just wanted to accept him, and for him to accept me.

and now, these past few days, i’ve been catching myself falling into pockets of momentary disillusionment. momentary pockets of disenchantment where i question if anyone will ever love me again. if i’ll ever love anyone. i’ve thought: what’s the point? everything ends or gets shitty eventually anyway, so why even start again? why even try? and even when/if i do start dating again… even if it’s just because i want to have sex and be touched and kissed again… why invest my heart or any part of me emotionally? why do that? i see so many of my friends who are in lackluster relationships. they’re unhappy, and cheating, or fighting, or faking, or gloomy, or staying in their situation out of fear, or settling. what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK!? it all looks so shitty! like everything’s doomed/has an expiration date.

right now, i’m not looking for a boyfriend… however, i am on the verge of being in dire need of sex again… but that’s just primal. i just feel ‘blah’. i’m trying though. trying to take the advice i’d give to a friend. i wake up and make coffee and shave my legs and make myself as cute as i can before i leave the house so i can trick myself into feeling good. so i can feel a bit sexy? i’m staying busy, and making lists, and checking things off on those goal lists. i’m focusing on work, i’m spending time with my family, and friends, and my i-phone. i’m making songs, and writing, and taking epsom salt baths, and playing drums, and trying new restaurants (and trying to balance THAT with not gaining too much weight). i’m staying up till 4am reading the Craigslist missed connections, and trolling Facebook/twitter, and reading, and going to the korean naked spa… i’m trying to distract myself; to fake it till i make it. i’m newly single-ish, not interested in anyone, AND i’m waiting to begin a job that’s around the corner… so the in between, down time is an uncomfortable feeling for me. i’m sleeping in late. have a hard time getting out of bed, etc. i know i said all this… but it just feels really unlike me. it feels like i have mono! i don’t, but it feels like i do! i know i am the perf candidate for mono, but i already had it in eighth grade! how DARE you!

one of my favorite things to do while i’m out and about, when i am finally able to get out of my goddamn front door, is smile at strangers who look all grumpy. and when we make eye contact, their grumpy face melts away into a smile. that makes me happy. that little moment has a ripple effect and not only does it make me feel less alone and connected to the world, it makes me feel like i made a little contribution. something as simple as eye contact and a smile.

my therapist tells me that this mood i’m in, this phase, is the quiet before the storm. i believe him. i have to. what else can i do? he says things like ‘everything is exactly as it needs to be’. he tells me to say this to myself when i’m panicked and am forgetting to breathe (which i often do). and so i say it aloud to myself, when no one’s looking/around. duh. and it actually does calm me. i tell myself that this hazy rut will pass and needs to exist for reasons i’ll understand later.

and overall, i know that no matter how bitter the taste in my mouth gets right now- regarding love and relationships- i’m a romantic. and when it’s right, it’s right. i’ll feel it/vibe it when i cross paths with whoever i’m meant to be sexxxing next or whoever i’m meant to love next. right now, i don’t think they’ll be the same person… but one day they will be. xoxo

as simple as a crush…

It’s not that it’s bad to be alone (i should say ‘single’, not ‘alone’). it’s not. but the time just after a break up is a transitional period. one that requires getting used to not having someone to check in with/love/spend time with. it leaves you with an empty space in your heart. it doesn’t mean you’re weak or lame or anything. it just means you need to recover for a sec. i was sitting around talking to one of my best girlfriends who’s also single and we both agreed that it would just be nice to have a ‘crush’. neither of us do, but it would be nice. i suppose having a crush would be nice because it feeds the ego; makes you hopeful; makes you feel less alone. in a way, it roots you/is grounding. it takes the edge off occasional pangs of loneliness. at least having a crush gives you someone to hold in your heart… even when it’s not real, may never become real, and ultimately: you’re single and not tied to anyone.

feeling my feelings…

I don’t hate you. But as the days go by since we ended things, things are coming up for me. I felt ok with my decision. It felt logical and right. In a way I felt relieved. But I forget that I have a tendency to have latent emotions. They can spring up days, weeks, months, or sometimes even years after the scenario I should have been emotional about. What I feel right now is disappointment. I feel disappointed in you. I feel slightly betrayed. I never hid who I was from you. I never pretended to be anything I wasn’t. And as our time together, filled with so many beautiful moments, progressed – I watched you learn how to communicate. Little by little I learned about your comfort level and insecurities. I saw u slowly but surely speak up for yourself a teeny tiny bit and tell me about what made you cringe, or uncomfortable. And as I got to know you, the recurring theme of your discomfort was/is the subject of sex and feelings and intimacy. Hmmm. Good to know, but did you ever stop to acknowledge that the girl you fell in love with is riveted, obsessed, and fascinated by all the topics that make you squirm? What blinded you? I don’t think I’m remarkably beautiful. I mean, I don’t want to be rude to myself, so I’ll stop there. Was it a combo of how great our sex was, my being so many things you’re not/wish you could be? I know I scared you slightly, and was a bit intimidating. But I never wanted to be. I thought you could handle me. So many days and nights, under the covers and tangled in sheets telling one another we want to be together forever. But what did we know about ‘forever’? At times I know I came across as cold because I would say, ‘I don’t want to put the pressure of forever on us. I just want us to be happy now, for as many days as we can be. For as many days that string together.’ And see? We took the time to get to know each other and you finally took the blinders off long enough to see me… And it was not for you. And that’s fine. But I always saw you. Even on our first date, I thought to myself ‘I’m too much for him.’ see how powerful gut reactions and intuition are? But I had to suss it out. Just like you did. But I never deceived myself. I never ignored any aspects about you. I get you. You are a wonderful man. And during our time together I paid very close attention to what I was learning from you: for a very long time I have known/accepted that every love affair is an opportunity to learn something about myself (what I need, what I want, what works/doesn’t work for me) and what I learned from YOU is what it feels like to be with someone who is kind, and AVAILABLE: emotionally/physically. I learned what it feels like to feel safe with a man. To be treated like a princess. To be with someone with strong morals, and someone who would do anything for me. Someone who would pick me up if I was stranded on the side of the road, someone who brought me flowers and took me to dinner. Someone who sexxxed me so beautifully and kissed every inch of me. All this is epic. Was epic. But when differences come up that are too real, too fundamental… That’s when a harsh reality surfaces: Sometimes love just isn’t enough.

somebody to be good for: i wrote this a few years ago…


i’ve been toying with the idea of being this guys girlfriend for the past month. i do like him, so i said yes when he asked me to be exclusive, but i’m so busy and really just want to be alone… but i don’t want to lose him. in the span of 24 hours i vacillate between being repulsed by him, to fantasizing about moving to new york together, to being numb, to wanting to make a baby, to being a little annoyed, etc.

tonight as i got out of the bath and put on my acne medication and creams and potions and looked at myself naked in the mirror, i thought about how I’ve been going to the gym lately and how i might even keep it up cuz i have a newfound incentive to be naked way more now than when i was single. if you can believe that! i know! something about having a boyfriend makes me happy, a bit more peppy. i like the idea of having someone to be good for. someone to keep me in check. someone to impress. someone to take care of, someone to love, someone to check in with, someone to depend on, someone who cares, someone to be my best for, look sexy/cute for.

but ultimately the person i aim to please is me.

i mean, this guy is great, but it’s always really about me. am i  ready for a serious relationship again? they take so much energy. they can be exhausting. fuck, i just got out of a serious relationship four months prior to meeting this guy… but the way it started with this guy was so magical.

but now, about a month and a week in, i realized that we don’t really even know each other. i’m not sure what i really like about him. and some of his personality traits are super annoying. he makes up silly songs that make me cringe. all i want them to do is make me laugh, but they make me cringe. i’m sorry. it’s just how i feel. it’s my gut reaction. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to be happy. i mean, don’t i? maybe i’ll always have a problem with people. whoops, i don’t mean people. i mean: the men who try to love me. the men i love, who love me back. can i even trust my own judgement anymore? i just don’t know.

we operate under the idea that someone perfect is out there for us. is that just bullshit? how much compromise is too much compromise? what’s important? what annoying things are break-up worthy, and what are just things we should accept? how should we weigh the pros and cons? obvi: being abused is a deal breaker! i’m not questioning that. i’m talking about little things, the tiny nuances that make you cringe/turn you off/make you feel alone/alienated/misunderstood/confused. cosmopolitan problems and aspects that don’t affect people who have arranged marriages.

i’ll be fine, whatever happens. i just don’t know how many more times i can do this; go from the joy of the first encounter. the perfection. to the first fight that leads to the second and the third and ultimately what makes up the demise of the relationship.

how much work is it supposed to be?

but i’m thinking too much now. as usual. i’ll know when i know. it’ll play out the way it’s supposed to.


and now i am single.

i’m happy to be alone again. it’s for the best. but i am alone.

being single is one of the best things in the world. you can eat whatever, whenever, and however you like. you don’t have to check in with anyone, or be held accountable to anyone. you can work all hours, see your friends, travel, get all your errands done (couldn’t i have done that in my relationship too though? hmm)

but then those moments of loneliness can creep up on you. those are the moments when…

and now, even though i’m single, i don’t want to be naked for anyone.

i’m single again. i wanted to be. but as single as i’ve ever been, i’ve never been as NOT in the mood to have a fling as i am now. i’m even trying to keep from being naked in front of someone by sabotaging myself. i’ll get to that in a bit…

give me a few days, and i MIGHT be in the mood for a casual make out. at least some sort of public, outdoor rendezvous; on a street corner (something not confined to a bedroom), or maybe a kiss inside or leaning up against my car. which reminds me, i really want to get a prius.

just as sure as i am the next man i’ll date will drive a black prius or a black range rover, i KNOW my next car will be a pewter colored prius. it’s just something i’ve had in the back of my mind for the past seven years! i have a strict no leasing policy in my heart… cuz suze orman says it’s totally bad news to lease, but it seems like everyone in LA leases! i’d rather buy outright! wait, how the fuck did my rant turn into a one-sided discussion on cars? are you witnessing me become A-sexual?

back to sexy stuff.  my being numb, emotionally unavailable, and completely uninterested in sex has resulted in picking at my back, face, and over tweezing parts of my body until it could be considered ‘home surgery’. which i’m doing on purpose so my body isn’t up to par for a nakedess encounter. i’m damaging myself so i’ll HAVE to take the time to heal and avoid the embarrassment of being seen by the next person i let inside of me… whoever they might be.

i need to exercise some self-control. but it’s as if i’m in a trance. hopefully the new dresses i bought at urban will be enough incentive to keep my hands off myself,  not in the GOOD way!

i’ve been taking epsom salt baths (to relax my anxiety and heal). during one of these baths the other night, i decided that full retro bush/privates is the way to go this spring… and then i immediately shaved everything off my privates! WTF? i ALREADY know i’m my own worst enemy, but this is insane.

so now i’m mourning the death of and honoring time i spent in a relationship with someone i may not have even liked.

next time i’ll be more discerning with who i let get close to me, with who i let myself fall in love with. um, will i? nope. that shit just happens. but i don’t have to be scared about having an open heart and falling madly and passionately in love at the drop of a hat, as long as i always follow my gut and intuition and not waste my time as soon as i/if i fall out of love! having made a pact like that with myself makes me feel pretty safe about living my life and falling in love. (no matter how old i get. baby, no baby. marriage, no marriage.) i’m always safe. i’ll always be ok. i just have to trust that everything is exactly the way it needs to be.

i promise to keep my heart open, not be bitter, and always have a childlike enthusiasm as i keep my eyes open/look for the next person i’ll have a love affair with. because as good as it feels to be single, and as bad as it feels to be with the wrong person, when it’s right (even if only for a few months) it’s so nice to have someone to be good for.


i used to be so scared…

I used to be so grateful when a guy liked me. So thankful he had put his attention on me. Until one day, I grew up and became a bit more discerning. I realized that I have a say in who I let into my life. That they should be so lucky to be inside me and a part of my world. Just because they were skinny or stylish or just, well, a dude- didn’t mean they were the be all, end all. just because they were men, and spending time with me, didn’t mean they were gods and that i had to be appreciative of the fact that they chose me. me! i don’t know exactly WHEN i realized that I’m just as important as i thought they were, but I’m so happy that day came! it’s changed me forever and for that i am grateful! Unfortunately, I really love make outs- so I still made out a ton after i had this epiphany! But at least it was much more thought out and i was the one doing the choosing.

funny how things can happen…


Our first fight happened as we got in his car to go home after my hanging out with his friends for the first time. he snapped at me because he wanted me to stop talking. he wanted to be quiet and decompress. i understood. but it was still a bit jarring. i hate that feeling when you’re with someone new, and you think you’re safe with them because up until that point everything’s been ‘perfect’ and then out of no where that changes- even if only slightly and it makes you feel alone. even though you’re right next to this person. you’re alone, and you feel as though you always will be. that no one is safe and that the rug will always be pulled out from under you!

i held his hand, but went cold. i looked out the window as we drove home. i didn’t want him to feel abandoned because he said one little thing that i didn’t like, cuz i knew he was a good person and wasn’t evil or anything. but i was still a little shaken and acting like a little girl about to cry cuz someone raised their voice. finally, i said that it was all fine. it would just take me a minute to shake it off and that it was too soon for me to have met his friends like that. it was exhausting. i say ‘all we should just be doing right now is getting to know each other- just us. AND fucking eachother, instead of eating and acting like an old married couple!’ he agreed.

the next day, we stayed in bed… all day, listening to music, talking about dreams and goals, where we saw ourselves in ten years. i made him breakfast in bed: coffee and lumpy oatmeal. the fucking has never been so good. the things we say to eachother; it’s dirty and epic. i actually want him to fuck me without a condom on. but he doesn’t. what.a. gentleman. i tell him to cum inside me. that i want to have his baby. he doesn’t. and thank god, because i don’t. but talking like that turns me on, and apparently him too.

we were both having a love surge like crazy. we were so in sync/on the same age with how in love and how excited we were about one another. it couldn’t have gotten any better. and you know what? it didn’t. because the next day, monday, when he called me and i answered my phone… i couldn’t be happy or nice to him. i just couldn’t. something  had shifted in me and it would never come back. i would never be as happy or in love with him or as in sync as i was the previous night. just one night before, tucked up in the hills overlooking Hollywood with both our seats all the way back, turned on our sides and staring into one another’s eyes. both of us were so happy, we were holding back tears. tears of joy and for the miracle of falling in love/finding someone who could make you feel this good. but all that had ended for me, and i don’t know why. was it stress? did my heart just close up? was it all too much for me to handle? did i have to rearrange my time and priorities, and my heart just did it for me without asking? i don’t know yet. i didn’t know. but it did. and even though it officially ended weeks later- it really ended that monday. the day after the highest point in our entire whirlwind romance. a romance that had begun with a new years kiss on the night of a blue moon.

it’s scary when you don’t know why you feel what you feel; why you don’t feel what you used to feel; when you have no control over your emotions… and you wish you did.

letter to an ex:

You asked me to write you a letter telling you all the things that bothered me about you while we were dating. all the things i feel you need to work on/look at with your new therapist, and at the very least… acknowledge. here’s the letter:

Dear Boy,

It isn’t easy to come up with things that i think you should work on. i love you and think you’re great, so it just feels weird to do this. but hmm, thinking back, let me see:

•you seem to have this idea about yourself that you scam the good stuff that happens to you. as if it couldn’t just be real. you mentioned this before. as if you have the impression that you con people to hire you or into thinking you’re qualified. like you scammed them or something.

•your sense of humor (which i love) could be insensitive with all the sarcasm. and sometimes instead of funny, it was more like a defense mechanism that kept you from getting close to a person and being vulnerable.

•when i was emotional, you shut off and went blank/cold/numb/quiet… and the more silent and less you gave the crazier i got because i just wanted you to hold me and say i love you and make it better. but i have my own problems. i know this.

•sometimes you seemed to be cocky/on the verge of coming across as full of shit or arrogant.

•it took a while for you to be ok with kissing me in public… which was insulting. but i saw you got better/ you got over it.

•instead of just doing what you needed to do, work or life wise, you’d make these grand statements to me about how much work you had to do and that you had to focus and we couldn’t spend as much time together because you had all this stuff to do. it would have been better if you just did what you needed to do and called me when you were free. i didn’t need a lecture or sit down to hear the your state of address. just live your life and i’ll live mine and we’ll meet in the middle. but you had to lay it all out for me. making yourself so important. over and over.

•it was sooo much about work. all our talk became about your work or mine. the beauty and whimsy was squashed. everything bled into everything else. and it was all about stress.

•you went to ny and knew we weren’t ok, but you shut down. you didn’t want to talk about it or deal with it. when you DID call me while you were in ny, you were out and busy. why did you bother calling if you couldn’t talk? this frustrated me. you were dodging me and pretending you were making an effort. then shit talking about me to your friends. when you were the one who was freaking out because you didn’t have it in you to deal with me emotionally. all we had to do was talk.

•we weren’t on the same page as far as what kind of life we want to have in the future. not just marriage and ring stuff. you seemed like you were lost and unsure. and as a man, i needed you to be more of a rock. but those are also my own problems. i know men aren’t perfect. there is no such thing as ‘perfect’. we’re all just people, i know this. and i have a tendency to put guys on a pedestal and watch them fall. but when push came to shove, you weren’t what i needed.

•you went to a club when i was sick. you wanted to leave. i felt really abandoned. i thought you loved me.

•you’d be overwhelmed and break down and curl up in a ball and need to re-evaluate your life every week.

•it seemed like you couldn’t quite figure out what it is that you love to do.

•you operate in extremes. everything is raw this month. no coffee forever. no alcohol. no meat.

•saying that you didn’t want to make out when i had my period; ‘what’s the point?’

•you were shy about your body and seemed a bit closed off about sex and taking a bath or shower together. and you didn’t like your butt or want to walk around naked or even let me see your backside walking away from me.

•you are all about you. computer in bed in morning. shut off, very clear that you were done with the romantic portion of our time. painfully compartmentalized.

•getting drunk and eating all my food and yours like a slob at a dinner with your friends… then drunkenly wandering off. making me the night all about you and forcing everyone at the table to cringe and say ‘what’s wrong with him?’

•physical body issues, sarcasm beyond belief, pda issues, unable to deal with a girlfriends emotion to the point of shutting down and freezing up.

•you smashed my bike. you were upset. still isn’t cool.

•even now, post break up, if/when i run into your friends and your name comes up… if i mention some of your habits like sarcasm and selfishness, they laugh and say ‘yep that’s how he is. i can totally relate.’

•even now, post break up, you wanted to be friends. i read lines with you for some audition you had, and you’re not even an actor. i skyped you less than two minutes after you emailing me from australia about being depressed over some new girl you were in love with. i talked you down and made time for you. but the minute i call you and/or text you that i’m in a dark place… nothing. i call and you pick up when you can’t talk… all to say ‘now’s a bad time.’ again, why’d you even pick up? selfish.

•you broke up with me over the phone, ending something that was so special with no dignity or respect. like a total fucking pussy bitch. i would never do that to someone i loved and said i wanted to be with forever. someone who held my hand and slept in my hospital room and watched over me after surgery.

i never cheated on you. i loved you. it didn’t work out. i hope this helps.

love, alexi celine wasser