i don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my stories and rants have been lacking lately. I’ve been seriously blocked. blocked by breakups, unresolved feelings, a death in the family, five of my most serious ex boyfriends calling me out of the blue all in the same week; one of which i lived with & was engaged to- who called me up to meet for tea and then told me he’s having a baby with his new gf! and I’m OK with all of it. but i was stuck when it came to writing. maybe too many things happened for me to process. i collected too many stories and i didn’t know where to begin. the following is one of many rants to come- just some of the bullshit at the forefront of my mind. i love you:

I’m single again. I have been since the end of February. And immediately after that breakup, my back broke out bacne styles! and when it was on the verge of healing, I would sabotage myself by picking at my face, back, eating too much, tweezing my bikini line, shaving everything off (and by everything- I’m vaguely referring to the hair on my privates. And by privates I mean… how dare you!/my vagina.) I did this cuz it was my way of making sure I didn’t allow myself to be naked in front of anyone. There’s no way I’d fuck some dude if I had bacne and/or some botched vadge quaffe. No fucking way! personally, i can’t have sex if i don’t feel sexy/like how i look.) i was self sabotaging.

This was also my way of having some sort of control over myself/in my life/over my feelings. Some kind of calm and order within the chaos i wasn’t even aware i was feeling.

Even though he doesn’t know it/won’t believe it/whatevs- I was extremely jolted by how quickly I fell in and out of lust/love with my last boyfriend of two months. wait, is two months only considered a fling? oh well, who knows/who cares?! Either way, it was something intense and I hated that my feelings for him changed. I went in with such an open heart and the guy was and is great, just not for me- so when I realized it wasn’t right for me anymore and the timing for a relationship at all was bad in general (but is that really a real excuse even? doesn’t the right person negate timing issues? no! you know what? i truly believe timing is a real determining factor in whether or not a relationship will work. ‘timing’ in regards to how busy you are or how emotionally developed you are in that particular time in your life), it manifested in the worst way.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t punch him in the face, I didn’t try to run him over with my car or anything- Instead I forced him to witness me wrestle with myself. suffer my annoying girly shenanigans of trying to force myself to stay in something that wasn’t right for me anymore, with one foot in and one foot out.  I was confusing, i was full of mixed messages, closing off emotionally, picking fights, trying to make him break up with me. I just didn’t know what to do! I was buying myself time cuz even I wasn’t a hundred percent sure how I felt. I didn’t want to NOT be into it anymore. i DIDN’T want to be over him! i didn’t want to feel this way. i wanted to feel like i did before, head over heels crazy about him. but i just didn’t anymore. and once that’s gone, you sure as hell can’t force it/re-create it/make it up/or fake it. it’s an invisible halo that hangs over two people and once it evaporates- it ain’t coming back muthah-fuckah. or at least, very rarely does it come back.

The dude was/is a sweetheart and a babe. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I was shocked how quickly my mind could change. But it did. And when that happens, it’s chemistry, you can’t fake it. It fucking sucks. (yeah, i know this chunk was REDUNDANT- a lot of this story is! calm down!)

When it ended, I was relieved for BOTH of us because it was out on the table and I didn’t have to waste his time anymore. I threw myself into work. sure, I had a make-out here and there, but no desire to get naked in front of anyone. I made myself a little bit more ugly every day- literally picking on my self and thinking thoughts like: you’ll be lovable when- your skin clears up, when you lose ten pounds, when you’re successful, when you have more money, when you have a nicer car, in an alternate reality, in a time that may never come and you might just waste your whole life waiting for it- but keep waiting. I’ll keep you posted me! i thought these things and way worse things about myself/for myself (and every so often, still do) every time I looked in the mirror. And when my scabs/pimples healed and hair grew back or god forbid I actually liked my body (which is way more rare than me hating it) i wouldn’t know how to feel. i was confused. it felt uncomfortable to feel OK with myself. (to be continued)

By: boycrazy on August 12, 2010
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
23 Comments »

the closeness i had experienced, followed by a dude jumping on a plane and being aloof (aka: living his life) made me feel like a lil abandoned baby. but this was way way way more rooted in/all about my daddy issues, than the actual dude i slept with!

suddenly i was forced to feel stuff that i wouldn’t have felt, had i not had sex to begin with! maybe if it had been with someone who wanted to date me, and was sticking around, that would have been something else! but i set myself up to feel lonely. if the dude liked me and was sticking around- i would have just felt more powerful and my ego wouldn’t have been bruised cuz i would have been the one in charge of the ignoring/dismissal. hmm. something to think about. after all, i said i didn’t want anything more than a hook up (to him and to myself) god damn it! I’m much too smart for this bullshit. i actually give other people really good advice!

bottom line: i had sex with the dick pic guy. there was no love connection here whatsoever! so what the fuck was my problem? it was an epic night. and if i just looked at it for what it was, and left it at that, I’d be fine. but I’m not as tough as i thought. sex with someone you don’t like, someone you do like, and someone you love is all powerful. someone will always be affected. giving yourself away, even when you think you’re taking something you can handle in the moment, is not as easy as it seems… for me anyways.

if this experience can be used for anything, it will be to help me learn what i can and can’t handle in my life right now. i am too easily rattled. even if only for a few days… that’s a few days too many. the majority of the time, sex affects me. I’m sensitive. i feel stuff. things linger in my brain, and i over-think. nothing with me is light or casual when i let someone into my vadge-hole people. so don’t even try it!

i may not be a sweetly sad faced, overweight, African American girl, but i too am precious!

all i know is this; I’ve had sex with cold dudes who are blatantly emotionally unavailable and sex with guys who are still emotionally unavailable- but really good at making a girl feel cozy. and right now, i too am just as emotionally unavailable! but, ultimately, both make me feel more lonely AFTER the encounter than i felt before! regardless, i took my sexxxy times medicine and I’m prob good for another four months. but even AFTER that; no more casual sexxing for me! especially with trollers and dick pickers! yikes.

i have to be much more careful with myself. because even though my mind thinks I’m tough and it’s all good, i end up weaker in the end. depleted of energy. this also goes for me leading guys on, who i know i don’t like, just so i can feel wanted. it’s rude and thoughtless. sex is not casual. that being said: make-outs ARE! I might be sensitive and more grown up now… but I’m not dead!

this fling represented something bigger for me. it made me think about how different experiences can be; what i want, definitely do not want, and behavior of mine that I’d like to change. behavior that, up until a few days ago, i didn’t even realize i engaged in. in a perfect world, my future won’t involve men ever sending me a picture of their dick again. and certainly not with me sleeping with them- like a reward or something. but the sex was fun, and i don’t regret it. even the part when i found out he’s a blogger too, and him writing about me!

he’s not my future husband or anything. JUST a random encounter! but totally blog-worthy and a tool to be used for self reflection and growth.

i just realized why I’m boy crazy; I’m boy crazy because every time i see/meet a new dude- i have hope. hope because it’s another chance for me to find love. a love that’s unconditional and stronger than the love i never got from my father. wahhhhhhhhh!

how was i the last person to know this about myself? thank god it’s finally dawned on me. but i wonder how I’ll change now that I’ve realized this. i guess I’ll have to wait and see! xo

By: boycrazy on June 4, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
32 Comments »

one thing led to another and before i knew it- we were rolling around naked, kissing… which yes, totally led to sex. but this was different. this wasn’t like the flings I’d had months before. i was having a sexy time rendezvous/fling with a cuddly guy. his mouth said ‘blah, blurg, sarcastic joke here, clumsy jab there!’ but his body said ‘love me, and i’ll love you’. was this how he was with every girl? what was his MO? who knows? who cares! this was epic! we tickled eachother, held eachother, took breaks to spoon, he told me about his parents, we talked about dreams (listen, i have dream boards/to do lists of my goals ALL OVER MY APARTMENT! sure they’re facing the wall, so no one can read them- but if i didn’t tell him, he would have just turned them around! i was at his mercy!)

i could see the little boy version of himself in his face. he didn’t seem evil at all. even if he was a crass, dick pic’ing dude.

we looked deep into each others eyes, pretended to sleep with our mouths open and pressed together, like silly little kids. if there was ever a way to have a fling- this was the way to do it! it was the best of both worlds: extreme emotional intimacy & tenderness MEETS casual cool & commitment free! two people sharing a moment and then moving on with their lives. holy shit, he really DID look like a young Richard Gere! maybe he was the real life American gigolo- circa NOW! he was giving me the full experience, that’s for DAMN sure!

it was loving sex! NOT the kind of sex where both people try to show off all the moves they’ve learned thus far. it was tender, not acrobatic (except for when he hoisted me onto the kitchen counter for a second). and as we looked into each-others eyes, i wanted to hug him as tight as i could so he’d feel love from another human being. i felt like he needed that or something. or maybe I was just projecting. but I’m pretty intuitive! looking up at him, i could have said ‘i love you’. i don’t and i didn’t, but it was that kind of moment. interspersed with talking about the past and the future and goals and relationships, etc. it didn’t feel cheap.

after, as we lay in bed together, i had the realization: even though i’m having such a nice time, and this has been such a great affair, i (still) do not want to be in a relationship with anyone (right now/at this point in my life) and I’m so happy to be single!

the night before, during our FIRST make-out, i had stopped kissing him and yelled: ‘thank god for facebook! this is exactly what i needed.’ and now,  post coital, i STILL  felt that way! no regrets, no impulse to cry, i didn’t feel more alone than ever. he put his arm around me, and i was fine.

we stayed up till 5am, fell asleep for a sec, woke up at 6am, and i called him a cab so he could get his bags from his hotel and go to the airport. he kissed me goodbye and left.

as the door closed behind him, thoughts like; ‘shit, that was epic! Geeze, like, um, wow, if he was gonna be in town for just a few days longer- i would have loved for us to show each other every sexual thing we’ve ever learned.’  and ‘we should just hole up in a Vegas hotel suite and have sex all weekend!’ went through my dopamine riddled brain.

later that day, i met up with my best male friend. we split a cupcake and traded sexual seduction stories. i was elated and exhausted. i saw my therapist the next day. i was still so happy. she said i was on a dopamine high. i asked her when the crash would be, but she just shrugged. well, thanks for nothing! not to worry, i would soon find out on my own.

as the days went by i realized i was more sensitive than i thought.

my emotional calender read like this:

WEDNESDAY- (day of dude’s departure) i was elated, beaming, and exhausted.

THURSDAY- i was satisfied and happy.

FRIDAY- i was bummed, borderline needy/obsessing. my eyes glued to my blackberry, and shocked that he wasn’t feeling the same way.  (dopamine crash! hollah!) at one point i even asked a whole foods employee in the wine section for help. he asked if i preferred red or white, but instead of a wine quesh, i asked him to decode the cryptic, nothing texts facebook guy had sent me. what? there’s no shame in my game! oh wait, i wrote that wrong; there was a lot of shame in my game that week. i had no game. it was not sexy. the wine dude agreed.

SATURDAY- i was over it. (but still telling anyone who would listen about my fling and post fling FEELINGS. gross – insert punch to my face here. )

SUNDAY- 98% of me was back on track, happy, and busy with other stuff! phew!  1% of me (my ego) was hoping he was thinking about me. and the other 1% was disappointed in myself for caring. i was better than that.

but this was deeper than logic, this was biology. this was what sex does/can do to a woman. shit!

i used to love drama and to feel stuff just for the sake of feeling! but this was too much. i was a mini emotional roller coaster. it was keeping me out of the present moment and unfocused. is this why boxers don’t have sexxx before a fight?

(to be continued)

By: boycrazy on June 1, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
25 Comments »

while we sat over coffee- he started telling me about a girl he’d hit on recently, back home in NYC. was he serious? did he not find me attractive? was this turning into a bro out sesh, because i thought it was a date. not one to hold back, i said ‘are you trying to sleep with me? because, if you are, why are you talking about another girl?’ he got flustered and smiled, said it was a while ago, trying to make it into a silly thing, brushing it under the rug. that was a close one! i really wanted to like him. or at least, for him not to blow it.

i was busy as fuck the next afternoon. running around town, appointments all over the place. but they were all just obstacles i had to get past… because i was most excited about seeing him again. I’d made a decision and i was OK with it: i was going to have sex with him! he was only in la for one more night. if i hadn’t wanted to, i would have just canceled that day. this was a specific choice on my end. i felt like i needed a fling, like medicine. and by ‘fling’, i mean ‘sex’. i was into it. it would be no strings attached! i didn’t hate him, and he was gorgeous! perfect! and all the hours we’d spent over the phone before we’d actually met, made it seem less yuck/sleazy. there was some time invested in this thing. he’d worked on me for a while! plus, i’d read his blog for the first time, the night before (after he told me about it/admitted his identity) and i was fascinated! this intrigued me and i had a million questions for him. finally, since meeting him, i felt like i could really relate to him now. more so than just being two strangers who met over facebook with mutual friends.

i bought candles at Larchmont beauty center, i drank tons of pineapple juice for WHATEVER reason, i wore eyeliner and tights. we didn’t have dinner plans. no. i didn’t want to eat in front of him, or gain weight from this experience! no! i wanted a cozy, sexy night. we made plans for him to come over at 8:45. i liked the controlled atmosphere of my house. like i was inviting him into my lair. as if we were kids hiding in a fort, except the fort wasn’t made out of two chairs and a blanket- it was a 1 bedroom with hardwood floors! my house was clean- I’d had it cleaned the Sunday a few days prior (for me, not him). he came over. i was trying to appear casual cool, on my computer, finishing up with some work. i didn’t want to put my responsibilities on the back burner, and i thought it would be super cute to pose on my bed, in front of my computer and say ‘this is what i look like when i facebook.’ so i did.

he told me to take my time, and wandered into my living room. oh no you don’t! i’d heard him say he likes to snoop around peoples houses. what if he stole something? that last part was a joke….  kind of. you never know. for years i had a fear that if i had a boy over at my house, he would pee on my toothbrush while he was in my bathroom. i had absolutely no proof of this whatsoever, but I’d throw away my tooth brush after each fling/visit, just in case. sometimes you just have to follow a hunch/trust your instincts!

i finished my work and hurried after him into the next room, giving him the mini tour of my living room. i wondered if my descriptions of the photos that hung on my wall sounded rote, or if he was even listening. i remembered him promising over the phone- months earlier- that if ever came over, he’d play my ‘sex and the city’ board game with me. i wasn’t gonna miss this chance! i never have anyone to play with!

it was cute, and sweet. we talked, joked while he set up the game. i liked that we didn’t just immediately start making out. we were like two human beings, just hanging out, playing the ‘sex and the city’ board game. neither of us ended up being very good, well that’s not true. i was a champ! maybe he was fibbing about having been a pro. I’ll never know. we played for like 8 minutes. i won. thank god.

he said ‘come here’. i put my hand in his. he pulled me towards him and kissed me.

(to be continued)

By: boycrazy on May 27, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
30 Comments »

Ever since my first kiss, under the hidden stairs of a temple at one of my classmates bar mitzvahs, with a mouth full of braces and a crazy tongue circling technique- i learned something. something that hasn’t changed from then to know:
Boys will ALWAYS see how far they can take can go; how far they can take it, when it comes to sexy times.

it’s as though ALL thoughts/fear/acknowledgement of getting AIDS, herpes, warts, chlamydia, whatevs, goes out the window when their dick is involved. if they kiss you, they wanna suck on your boobs. if they get that, they wanna put their hands in your undies. if they finger you, they want to lick you. if you give them get a blow job, they want to cum in your mouth/on your face/in your eyeball; and for you to swallow like a champ! and if they know you’re gonna sexxx them, they want to fuck you WITHOUT a condom. they NEVER want to wear a condom! ‘it’s too tight’, ‘it’s too big’, ‘i can’t feel anything’, ‘it’s so annoying’, ‘i hate these fucking things’, ‘i’m clean i swear.’ wahhhhh!

it’s like going into battle;

it’s like wheeling and dealing at some flea market in Abu Dhabi (reference made in honor of sex and the city 2: coming soon, to a theatre near you muthah-fuckahz/ladies/my gay brothers!)

it’s like playing Russian roulette with an aids baby instead of a bullet!

it’s like sitting down without a lawyer in court, with a possible life sentence of…. like death.

you just have to make your case, make it good, and stand by it! so you don’t get a life sentence! all the while keeping your voice sexy and the mood light.

Nowadays you have to protect yourself while trying to get close to someone. it fucking sucks! It’s easy to start resenting a guy right away when sex is involved. what you let happen sexually is something you end up panicking over/worrying about- the next day, or even moments after. instead of ‘wow. we just connected in such a literal, beautiful, biblical way! yayzers!’ you think ‘i hope the condom didn’t break. he better not have lied about not having herpes. shit, he probably just doesn’t even know cuz he’s too lazy to get tested. if he was such a pro about getting in MY vadge without a condom, he must have experience talking OTHERS into being fucked sans condom!”

instead of thinking ‘i wonder if he’ll call me.’ you’re waiting for his TEXT three days later while sitting in the waiting room at your gyno’s office praying to god you’re not preggers, positive for syphilis, warts, etc.

All this worry even if he DID wear a condom AND pulled out before he came! you just NEVER know! THAT’S how scary it is nowadays! Sex is a liability, not a luxury! and abortions aren’t another form of birth control! they’re scary too! avoid those at all costs, if you can.

But as scary as fucking, and licking, and sexing, and sucking  is in 2010- love, sex, and hormones are STILL too powerful to say no to! now, then, and FOREVER! So i guess all we can do is just know what we’re getting ourselves into, not feel pressured or bullied, use condoms, birth control pills, spermicide, diaphragms, take preventative valtrex, get tested after every time we sexxx someone/blow someone/get eaten out by someone, and basically try our hardest not to end up soaked in a bucket load of aids infected cum.

good luck.

i love you.

By: boycrazy on May 6, 2010
Tags: rants, sex, thoughts and stories
47 Comments »

(CONTINUED FROM HERE)

I called my ex fling who’d vouched for the shit-hole hotel to begin with, figuring he owed me.

He said I could stay with him. the only thing was, I didn’t wanna have sex with him at all, but I knew I’d feel obligated. He’s a dude, I’m a girl, and we’d already had sex.

I just shouldn’t have gone to New York. yikes, being a teenager who thinks she can handle everything can be very confusing.

He was house-sitting for a painter in the east village.

when i got there, a bunch of his friends we’re hanging out. two of which were a photographer girl and her bestest girlfriend the fashion designer.

these girls were mean. they were flaunting their intimate friendship making it very clear that there was no chance they’d ever even consider opening up the group to make room for me. they were an exclusive club that was at capacity, and i was the nerd outside standing in line.

geeze, I didn’t even have time to decide if I liked them, before they made it clear they were excluding me.

so I drank to avoid being ill at ease. creating more bloat that I’d hate myself for later.

We sat around, watched a movie, listened to Andrew wk, and talked a bunch of random bullshit.  The only one who wasn’t there was the woman who actually owned the apartment. eventually everyone went home, leaving me and the dude to ourselves.

I dreaded this, cuz I wasn’t feeling sexual. But he was slowly morphing into a self-proclaimed doctor of sexy. Healing girls who didn’t feel good about themselves. and it was clear he was about to take me on as his first patient.

we laid on the living room floor and started kissing. i could handle this. maybe he would just french kiss me for a bit then fall asleep?

He pulled my pants down, I mumbled…”no, um, don’t…I, um, I’m having my female problem”

female problem? If I could have punched myself in the face to snap me out of my passive bullshit, I would have. But I was so deep inside my skin. that i couldn’t see or take ownership of myself. i couldn’t stop apologizing for myself. it was Like everyone else was perfect, and I was just lucky to be among them. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it! how spineless and weak i was. what was i so scared of? why did i care what anyone thought about me?

He didn’t stop pulling my pants down. Huh? That’s weird, I thought, he must not have heard me. I said it louder now, and more matter of fact “but I have my period.”

He looked at me, and I looked back at him. His head between my legs, he just smiled. AND THAT’S WHEN THE GNARLIEST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE HAPPENED TO ME IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!

He very coolly and calmly pulled my tampon out of my vadge with his teethe, tossed it aside, preceded to go down on me…..

and I’m pretty sure I came.

By: boycrazy on April 22, 2010
Tags: thoughts and stories
39 Comments »

(CONTINUED FROM HERE)

I called the boy I’d come to New York for. We’d had one epic make out during a previous visit & I wanted so badly to recapture whatever it is i thought we’d had when I’d last seen him. but when i got to his place- it just wasn’t there anymore. and this whole visit was putting way too much pressure on the both of us.

i wasn’t in a good place emotionally either, not just cuz I’d nearly been murdered only moments earlier, but because I didn’t like my body anymore. I’d gained weight since I’d last seen him. and at that time, I thought that what I looked like was the only thing that defined my self worth. I felt needy and aimless. I didn’t feel loved or safe. And it wasn’t this dudes job to provide me with any of that. He was basically a stranger.
and was it just me, or was I like a foot taller than him. I guess I’d never realized how much my head tilted down when we were talking.
I was low. I was depressed. and then I GOT MY PERIOD.

instead of making up an excuse so i could run downstairs to a bodega or something and buy tampons and baby wipes; then swing by a starbux so i could use their bathroom, and buy us two lattes, so i could return with lattes in hand saying something like ‘god, they took forever to make these lattes’ which is what i would do NOW- I went mute and did nothing. he suggested we smoke pot. i really didn’t want to, so i said, ‘ok’.

as usual, the pot made me paranoid as fuck. suddenly every look and move he made was negative and aimed towards me. we passed out at his house… and I prayed I wouldn’t bleed on his sheets.

I left in the morning, without saying goodbye. and we never spoke again. (TO BE CONTINUED)

By: boycrazy on April 20, 2010
Tags: thoughts and stories
12 Comments »

This Wednesday, after my podcast, i did a reading of a short story i wrote- at an even called ‘Literary Death Match’ hosted by Todd Zuniga, who’s a TOTAL babe btw! he looks like the dude from ‘harold and maude’/my long lost brother… that i want to have sex with, kind of, maybe!

after we read our stories to the super packed crowd/uuber supportive audience; the three other performers and i were critiqued by the judges: mary lynn rajskub (24, mr show), scott shriner (weezer bassist), and james morrison (private practice, 24).

did i win? no. did i have a blast? YES!

here is the story that i read:

‘THOSE WERE THE DAYS’

Once upon a time, a much younger version of me went to New York to see a boy.

i barely had any money, but an ex fling of mine told me about a cheap hotel, exclusively advertised in the back pages of the village voice. $200 dollars a week DID sound too good to be true. especially in new York’s fashionable meat packing district! but i was a hopeful dreamer!

when i got there, the hotel was a shit hole filled with the borderline homeless and trannys. a place where hookers took their john. god, I was an idiot. Or was i just super young? maybe a bit of both.

I rode up in the hotels jalopy of an elevator, while a big black hulking brute of a man stood behind me, his warm breath on my neck as he bore a hole in the back of my head with his relentless stare. I think he was drooling too- not that i think I’m hot shit or anything, I’m sure he would have drooled over any girl he was planning on killing with his bare hands. but that day, it was me! me!

We arrived at my floor. I ran to my room, and he quickly followed behind me. as i ran, i hoped he didn’t think i was racist, cuz I’m not- but the blood on his face and his lazy eye made me nervous, not to mention the fact that he was following me after having pressed the button for another floor.

i got to my room, and the peephole was filled with toilet paper. Someone had removed the glass and filled it with toilet paper. The room was as small as an American apparel dressing room. But not nearly as modern and bright.

I could hear a mans heavy breathing and laughter outside. so I pushed my bag AND a chair against the door.

suddenly there was a knock, Which progressed into a threatening banging! “Let me in miss. You better let me in!” It was the guy from the elevator!

The banging continued. I was too scared to cry. This wasn’t a time to cry. I had to be calm. I crawled under the bed, yelling “get away from here! I’m calling the police!” This would have been difficult, considering there was no phone in the room AND I didn’t have a cell.

I was going to get raped to death.

I grabbed my bag, pried open the window and climbed 8 flights down the fire escape like a bullet,letting the front desk keep my $200. (TO BE CONTINUED)

By: boycrazy on April 16, 2010
Tags: thoughts and stories
15 Comments »

i knew I was boycrazy, even years ago, while I was watching the Lisa loeb show. yeah, there was a Lisa loeb reality show and I fucking loved it! one episode, Lisa and her mom went to a french chocolate shop/cafe place, and their waiter was so cute, Lisa wondered if he was too young for her to ask on a date- or some shit like that. who knows exactly WHAT happened, i was too busy freaking out about the fact that i was watching the SEXIEST dude in the world plop down some chocolate cake in front of Lisa loeb on some reality show that we both would have been embarrassed to mention if we were on a date. holy shit this guy was gorge! is it NOT cool to masturbate to excess reality programming? too late/i hope not!

anyways, the waiter was a super hot babe- just to be clear! Dark hair, dreamy, and NOT french! perfect! he looked like a broke, dirtier, even more angsty, but with a bigger d*ck version of Robert Pattinson! and that’s saying a lot for me! cuz i already imagine Robert Pattinson has a HUGE private! if anyone knows him, send him my way. that could be an epic night! hotel, glass of wine, and a tawdry/torrid/sexy make-out etc.

anyways, back to my story: Now, keep in mind, the Lisa loeb reality show took place in NYC and I live in la. um, I’m not saying I went to ny JUST for the chocolate shop dude-but when I did end up in NY, I sure as hell made it a point to find that shop! endless googling of the words ‘Lisa loeb, chocolate, cafe’ ensued!

well, I found it! like a mother fucking champ!  the show did not make it easy, that’s for DAMN sure. no ‘thank you’s’ to ‘insert french cafe name here’ in the credits? what was that all about?! thanks for nothing assholes! even though the song ‘stay’ will forever be a solid and reliable karaoke jam for me and a million others.

when I cozied up at a table in the cafe, all by myself, (while my boyfriend at the time was at sound check) ordered a hot chocolate and waited, it all seemed worth the effort. i didn’t see him. hmm, no worries. I’m sure he was just making a tea, or organizing a plate of scones in the back or whatevs. i asked the ugly, boring waiters- who WERE there- if they knew who i was looking for. i sputtered out some retarded description; hoping that if he wasn’t there, it was ONLY because he was in Los Angeles looking for me! i held my breath for their answer.

and you know what? the dude wasn’t fucking there anymore! nope, he’d quit a few weeks prior! GOD DAMMIT! maybe i wasn’t the first visitor who’d come looking for him? well, i’d like to think i was the cutest! at least one thing was on my side… they told me he was straight! so at least if i did find him, he couldn’t use his sexuality as an excuse not to kiss me.

well, I tried. Had I REALLY wanted to find him, I could have asked the waiters and manager that WERE there for his phone number. But, I wasn’t CRAZY! and i wasn’t looking to cheat. I guess I just wanted a mission and to see if he was as cute in person as he was on my TV screen.

By: boycrazy on February 25, 2010
Tags: lisa loeb, rants, robert pattinson, thoughts and stories
15 Comments »

we had sex, duh.

he went back to new york.

and life goes on!

xo

(i’ll save the details for a later date….)

By: boycrazy on December 18, 2009
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
30 Comments »