the blind leading the blind (part 125):

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1. Don’t be apologetic about driving a Prius, be apologetic about driving any other car!

2. If someone asks you if you cut your own bangs, punch them in the face.

3. Violence is never the answer! What were you thinking? Use your brain and your words, NOT your fists!

4. Dear masseuse, shhhhh, I’m not paying you to talk. YOU’RE RUINING MY ENTIRE EXPERIENCE!!!

5. Silently acknowledge that anyone in your presence who uses the word ‘dope’ (i was shocked to discover people still do, but they fucking DO!) has got to go… including you, if it’s you.

6. If you (i) just stopped watching all the horrible shows you (i) waste a huge amount of time/chunk of my life watching… you (i) could get some really amazing things accomplished.

7. I don’t care what your friend says, i don’t think you should take adderal and then get into a hot bath!

8. Being a girl alone at home depot gives me exactly the same feeling as when I’m alone at guitar center… out of place, slightly uncomfortable, and judged by men… but once you get past that, it’s PURE HEAVEN!

9. Framing something as a ‘dream’ is the perfect way of bringing up uncomfortable topics with your boyfriend. For example: “I had the craziest dream you cheated on me. Isn’t that, um, weird?” or “I had the worst dream ever! You were texting with your ex and being all like ‘I miss you’. Do you, like, do that?”

10. Going out when you’re not feeling your best is WAY worse than staying in and missing the party! As long as no one can see you, you could be having the best time in the world and nobody knows that you’re actually home alone with a facial mask on, watching bravo, binge eating and feeling like shit.

OH SHIT, IT’S WEDNESDAY!

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hey girl heeeyyyy! the break up list continues! i know break ups are hard, but you MUST handle your shit and take control of your life! you can’t just fall to pieces! do not let your heart drop into the pit of your stomach! keep moving, and keep busy! the minute you stop, you might collapse, so just keep going forward:

DUH! GO SHOPPING!

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT PICK AT YOUR FACE!

DO NOT CHECK HIS FACEBOOK/TWITTER PAGE/OR BLOG EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR!

BREATHE! STOP WONDERING WHEN, AND WITH WHO HE’S GONNA MAKE-OUT WITH OR SEXX FIRST! DON’T LET HIS ACTIONS DEFINE YOUR ACTIONS. ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. AND WHEN YOU’RE READY/WANT TO FOOL AROUND WITH SOMEONE NEW- DO IT! BUT DON’T TRY TO PROVE A POINT TO HIM.

YOU CAN’T BE MAD IF HE KISSES/SEXXXES SOMEONE NEW. HE’S NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE.

(HOLY FUCK. THAT LAST ONE WAS EVEN TOO MUCH FOR ME, AND I’M WRITING THIS LIST! YUCK. JUST THE THOUGHT MAKES ME WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND DIE/FUCK EVERYONE AS I RIP HIS HEART OUT FOR MAKING ME DO IT- CUZ HE DID IT FIRST AND I WANT TO SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HIS ACTIONS HURT ME. EVEN THOUGH HE’S NOT MINE/NOT MY LITTLE BEAR CUB ANYMORE! ANYWAYZIES, BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING ABOUT STAYING POSITIVE:)

NO! DON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS! DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY?

DON’T WASTE TOO MUCH TIME RE-HASHING WHAT HAPPENED, WITH EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO CALLS AND SAYS ‘WHAT HAPPENED?’ IT’S OK FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF DAYS. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT’S EATING INTO TIME THAT COULD BE SPENT MUCH MORE PRODUCTIVELY!

HAVE POWER MEETINGS- ALL DAY, EVERYDAY! WOOOO!

WATCH BRIDGET JONES DIARY AND THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA! CUZ YOU CAN!

MAKE-OUT WITH VINCENT GALLO!

WITHOUT KNOWING HOW OR WHY, ASSUME YOU’LL BE ATTENDING THE ACADAMY AWARDS NEXT YEAR- AND LIVE YOUR LIFE ACCORDINGLY! TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY, MAINTAIN YOUR BEAUTY, AND TREAT YOURSELF LIKE THE PRINCESS YOU ARE! NO YOU!

MOISTURIZE EVERY BIT OF YOUR BODY BEFORE BED! ESPECIALLY YOUR BOOBS EVEN!

DON’T GET LAZY AND FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH/FLOSS!

DO YOUR LAUNDRY FOR GOD’S SAKE!

GO OUT DANCING WITH YOUR RE-INSTATED GIRLFRIENDS. BUT DON’T HAVE SEX WITH SOME RANDOM DUDE YOU MEET AT THE CLUB! IT’S OK IF A GUY CORNERS YOU FOR A MAKE-OUT THOUGH. I MEAN, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT IF HE’S  WAY PERSUASIVE AND A BABE!

ORGANIZE YOUR CLOSET YOU SCOUNDRAL!

HANG OUT WITH NATE AT FAMILY BOOKSTORE!

SELL THE SHIT YOU DON’T NEED/WANT ANYMORE- AND WHATEVER THEY WON’T BUY, DONATE TO GOODWILL! YOUR BREAK-UP IS SAVING LIVES!

SEE MOVIES ALONE AT THE ARCLIGHT!

GO TO THE 101 CAFE BY YOURSELF AFTER THE MOVIE AND PEOPLE WATCH! IF YOU SEE A HOT BABE, AND I MEAN UUBER HOT, SEND HIM A PEICE OF CAKE AND WAVE!

WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL! GET IT ALL OUT BITCH!….. ON PAPER… GROSS!

TAKE EPIC WALKS AROUND THE CITY!

GO ON LONG DRIVES!

LISTEN TO OLDIES! BUT NO MIX CD’S HE MADE FOR YOU!

DO KARAOKE WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS!

GET YOUR HAIR DONE DID!

LOOK GREAT WHEN YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE TO PICK UP THE REST OF YOUR STUUFF. EVEN THOUGH, TECHNICALLY, HE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT IT ALL TO YOU. BUT, LET’S FACE IT, HAVING AN EXCUSE TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN IS PRETTY EXCITING! AM I RIGHT?!

HAVE BREAKFAST AT A FANCY HOTEL! FOR EXAMPLE: SIT AT THE COUNTER AT THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL COFFEE SHOP!

DO NOT SLEEP WITH ANY/ALL OF YOUR EX’S FRIENDS! IT’S NOT COOL. NOT COOL AT ALL. UNLESS HE DID IT TO YOU. THEN GO FOR IT. AN EYE FOR AN EYE! EVEN IF IT MIGHT MAKE THE WORLD BLIND!

did i mention i love you? cuz i do! xoxo

PS: click HERE for ANOTHER reminder of why it’s better to be single than with the wrong person. xo

whole foods-where u can pick up more than just groceries:

I just met a guy who, when i asked if he could see the pimple on my chin, said “no. i just thought it was face cancer.” he’s out of town working right now, but i can’t stop thinking about him. I’ll let you know how it goes. now onto more dude stalking tips:
Wake up! U wanna look for a dude at albertsons or Ralph’s!? Why!? Its low brow. Erewhon! co-op! whole foods! Bristol farms! This is where magic happens. Nicer outfits. high brow. Always look at shoes. 5 o’clock shadow, American apparel deep v’s! their ray-bans or ksubi’s attached to neckline (careful not to crush them if you hug. men hate that. sunglasses are expensive you monster!) simplicity is key. Acne denim. Patch pockets. And hopefully u won’t see any of those way too complicated/ over designed back pockets with flaps. Those aren’t ok! Not even on a gay man! FYI: your best gay male friend should look just as good (if not BETTER) than what you want in a boyfriend. The only difference is, your boyfriend shouldn’t suck dick (not even in private/behind closed doors at bath houses.) Anyway, If u don’t meet a potential dinner date/makeout here-you might find a super snazzy gay guy friend. The truth is, I actually prefer gay men! I can be free to be me, and there’s no sexual tension!!! Gay men are the best! I’m not kidding. But let’s not get side tracked: I’ve met an entire slew of sexy young boy babes that I ended up making out with, just by hanging out at the whole foods salad bar on fairfax! Did I waste a lot of time? Maybe! Did I catch any diseases? No. Plus, I was like 18 years old and figuring out what I was all about/who I was. So, idle time and eating a bit too much, sprinkled with insecurity/people watching/and sexual tension was on the program. Now, go to the closest high brow market, and start making eyes. one time i saw vincent gallo. he came around the bend and our carts nearly collided. what did i do? i mouthed i love you and made silent eye contact for exactly 2 and a half seconds. i’m sure he’s blogging about it as we speak! See you tomorrow my beautiful babies!



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