the closeness i had experienced, followed by a dude jumping on a plane and being aloof (aka: living his life) made me feel like a lil abandoned baby. but this was way way way more rooted in/all about my daddy issues, than the actual dude i slept with!

suddenly i was forced to feel stuff that i wouldn’t have felt, had i not had sex to begin with! maybe if it had been with someone who wanted to date me, and was sticking around, that would have been something else! but i set myself up to feel lonely. if the dude liked me and was sticking around- i would have just felt more powerful and my ego wouldn’t have been bruised cuz i would have been the one in charge of the ignoring/dismissal. hmm. something to think about. after all, i said i didn’t want anything more than a hook up (to him and to myself) god damn it! I’m much too smart for this bullshit. i actually give other people really good advice!

bottom line: i had sex with the dick pic guy. there was no love connection here whatsoever! so what the fuck was my problem? it was an epic night. and if i just looked at it for what it was, and left it at that, I’d be fine. but I’m not as tough as i thought. sex with someone you don’t like, someone you do like, and someone you love is all powerful. someone will always be affected. giving yourself away, even when you think you’re taking something you can handle in the moment, is not as easy as it seems… for me anyways.

if this experience can be used for anything, it will be to help me learn what i can and can’t handle in my life right now. i am too easily rattled. even if only for a few days… that’s a few days too many. the majority of the time, sex affects me. I’m sensitive. i feel stuff. things linger in my brain, and i over-think. nothing with me is light or casual when i let someone into my vadge-hole people. so don’t even try it!

i may not be a sweetly sad faced, overweight, African American girl, but i too am precious!

all i know is this; I’ve had sex with cold dudes who are blatantly emotionally unavailable and sex with guys who are still emotionally unavailable- but really good at making a girl feel cozy. and right now, i too am just as emotionally unavailable! but, ultimately, both make me feel more lonely AFTER the encounter than i felt before! regardless, i took my sexxxy times medicine and I’m prob good for another four months. but even AFTER that; no more casual sexxing for me! especially with trollers and dick pickers! yikes.

i have to be much more careful with myself. because even though my mind thinks I’m tough and it’s all good, i end up weaker in the end. depleted of energy. this also goes for me leading guys on, who i know i don’t like, just so i can feel wanted. it’s rude and thoughtless. sex is not casual. that being said: make-outs ARE! I might be sensitive and more grown up now… but I’m not dead!

this fling represented something bigger for me. it made me think about how different experiences can be; what i want, definitely do not want, and behavior of mine that I’d like to change. behavior that, up until a few days ago, i didn’t even realize i engaged in. in a perfect world, my future won’t involve men ever sending me a picture of their dick again. and certainly not with me sleeping with them- like a reward or something. but the sex was fun, and i don’t regret it. even the part when i found out he’s a blogger too, and him writing about me!

he’s not my future husband or anything. JUST a random encounter! but totally blog-worthy and a tool to be used for self reflection and growth.

i just realized why I’m boy crazy; I’m boy crazy because every time i see/meet a new dude- i have hope. hope because it’s another chance for me to find love. a love that’s unconditional and stronger than the love i never got from my father. wahhhhhhhhh!

how was i the last person to know this about myself? thank god it’s finally dawned on me. but i wonder how I’ll change now that I’ve realized this. i guess I’ll have to wait and see! xo

By: boycrazy on June 4, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
32 Comments »

one thing led to another and before i knew it- we were rolling around naked, kissing… which yes, totally led to sex. but this was different. this wasn’t like the flings I’d had months before. i was having a sexy time rendezvous/fling with a cuddly guy. his mouth said ‘blah, blurg, sarcastic joke here, clumsy jab there!’ but his body said ‘love me, and i’ll love you’. was this how he was with every girl? what was his MO? who knows? who cares! this was epic! we tickled eachother, held eachother, took breaks to spoon, he told me about his parents, we talked about dreams (listen, i have dream boards/to do lists of my goals ALL OVER MY APARTMENT! sure they’re facing the wall, so no one can read them- but if i didn’t tell him, he would have just turned them around! i was at his mercy!)

i could see the little boy version of himself in his face. he didn’t seem evil at all. even if he was a crass, dick pic’ing dude.

we looked deep into each others eyes, pretended to sleep with our mouths open and pressed together, like silly little kids. if there was ever a way to have a fling- this was the way to do it! it was the best of both worlds: extreme emotional intimacy & tenderness MEETS casual cool & commitment free! two people sharing a moment and then moving on with their lives. holy shit, he really DID look like a young Richard Gere! maybe he was the real life American gigolo- circa NOW! he was giving me the full experience, that’s for DAMN sure!

it was loving sex! NOT the kind of sex where both people try to show off all the moves they’ve learned thus far. it was tender, not acrobatic (except for when he hoisted me onto the kitchen counter for a second). and as we looked into each-others eyes, i wanted to hug him as tight as i could so he’d feel love from another human being. i felt like he needed that or something. or maybe I was just projecting. but I’m pretty intuitive! looking up at him, i could have said ‘i love you’. i don’t and i didn’t, but it was that kind of moment. interspersed with talking about the past and the future and goals and relationships, etc. it didn’t feel cheap.

after, as we lay in bed together, i had the realization: even though i’m having such a nice time, and this has been such a great affair, i (still) do not want to be in a relationship with anyone (right now/at this point in my life) and I’m so happy to be single!

the night before, during our FIRST make-out, i had stopped kissing him and yelled: ‘thank god for facebook! this is exactly what i needed.’ and now,  post coital, i STILL  felt that way! no regrets, no impulse to cry, i didn’t feel more alone than ever. he put his arm around me, and i was fine.

we stayed up till 5am, fell asleep for a sec, woke up at 6am, and i called him a cab so he could get his bags from his hotel and go to the airport. he kissed me goodbye and left.

as the door closed behind him, thoughts like; ‘shit, that was epic! Geeze, like, um, wow, if he was gonna be in town for just a few days longer- i would have loved for us to show each other every sexual thing we’ve ever learned.’  and ‘we should just hole up in a Vegas hotel suite and have sex all weekend!’ went through my dopamine riddled brain.

later that day, i met up with my best male friend. we split a cupcake and traded sexual seduction stories. i was elated and exhausted. i saw my therapist the next day. i was still so happy. she said i was on a dopamine high. i asked her when the crash would be, but she just shrugged. well, thanks for nothing! not to worry, i would soon find out on my own.

as the days went by i realized i was more sensitive than i thought.

my emotional calender read like this:

WEDNESDAY- (day of dude’s departure) i was elated, beaming, and exhausted.

THURSDAY- i was satisfied and happy.

FRIDAY- i was bummed, borderline needy/obsessing. my eyes glued to my blackberry, and shocked that he wasn’t feeling the same way.  (dopamine crash! hollah!) at one point i even asked a whole foods employee in the wine section for help. he asked if i preferred red or white, but instead of a wine quesh, i asked him to decode the cryptic, nothing texts facebook guy had sent me. what? there’s no shame in my game! oh wait, i wrote that wrong; there was a lot of shame in my game that week. i had no game. it was not sexy. the wine dude agreed.

SATURDAY- i was over it. (but still telling anyone who would listen about my fling and post fling FEELINGS. gross – insert punch to my face here. )

SUNDAY- 98% of me was back on track, happy, and busy with other stuff! phew!  1% of me (my ego) was hoping he was thinking about me. and the other 1% was disappointed in myself for caring. i was better than that.

but this was deeper than logic, this was biology. this was what sex does/can do to a woman. shit!

i used to love drama and to feel stuff just for the sake of feeling! but this was too much. i was a mini emotional roller coaster. it was keeping me out of the present moment and unfocused. is this why boxers don’t have sexxx before a fight?

(to be continued)

By: boycrazy on June 1, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
25 Comments »

while we sat over coffee- he started telling me about a girl he’d hit on recently, back home in NYC. was he serious? did he not find me attractive? was this turning into a bro out sesh, because i thought it was a date. not one to hold back, i said ‘are you trying to sleep with me? because, if you are, why are you talking about another girl?’ he got flustered and smiled, said it was a while ago, trying to make it into a silly thing, brushing it under the rug. that was a close one! i really wanted to like him. or at least, for him not to blow it.

i was busy as fuck the next afternoon. running around town, appointments all over the place. but they were all just obstacles i had to get past… because i was most excited about seeing him again. I’d made a decision and i was OK with it: i was going to have sex with him! he was only in la for one more night. if i hadn’t wanted to, i would have just canceled that day. this was a specific choice on my end. i felt like i needed a fling, like medicine. and by ‘fling’, i mean ‘sex’. i was into it. it would be no strings attached! i didn’t hate him, and he was gorgeous! perfect! and all the hours we’d spent over the phone before we’d actually met, made it seem less yuck/sleazy. there was some time invested in this thing. he’d worked on me for a while! plus, i’d read his blog for the first time, the night before (after he told me about it/admitted his identity) and i was fascinated! this intrigued me and i had a million questions for him. finally, since meeting him, i felt like i could really relate to him now. more so than just being two strangers who met over facebook with mutual friends.

i bought candles at Larchmont beauty center, i drank tons of pineapple juice for WHATEVER reason, i wore eyeliner and tights. we didn’t have dinner plans. no. i didn’t want to eat in front of him, or gain weight from this experience! no! i wanted a cozy, sexy night. we made plans for him to come over at 8:45. i liked the controlled atmosphere of my house. like i was inviting him into my lair. as if we were kids hiding in a fort, except the fort wasn’t made out of two chairs and a blanket- it was a 1 bedroom with hardwood floors! my house was clean- I’d had it cleaned the Sunday a few days prior (for me, not him). he came over. i was trying to appear casual cool, on my computer, finishing up with some work. i didn’t want to put my responsibilities on the back burner, and i thought it would be super cute to pose on my bed, in front of my computer and say ‘this is what i look like when i facebook.’ so i did.

he told me to take my time, and wandered into my living room. oh no you don’t! i’d heard him say he likes to snoop around peoples houses. what if he stole something? that last part was a joke….  kind of. you never know. for years i had a fear that if i had a boy over at my house, he would pee on my toothbrush while he was in my bathroom. i had absolutely no proof of this whatsoever, but I’d throw away my tooth brush after each fling/visit, just in case. sometimes you just have to follow a hunch/trust your instincts!

i finished my work and hurried after him into the next room, giving him the mini tour of my living room. i wondered if my descriptions of the photos that hung on my wall sounded rote, or if he was even listening. i remembered him promising over the phone- months earlier- that if ever came over, he’d play my ‘sex and the city’ board game with me. i wasn’t gonna miss this chance! i never have anyone to play with!

it was cute, and sweet. we talked, joked while he set up the game. i liked that we didn’t just immediately start making out. we were like two human beings, just hanging out, playing the ‘sex and the city’ board game. neither of us ended up being very good, well that’s not true. i was a champ! maybe he was fibbing about having been a pro. I’ll never know. we played for like 8 minutes. i won. thank god.

he said ‘come here’. i put my hand in his. he pulled me towards him and kissed me.

(to be continued)

By: boycrazy on May 27, 2010
Tags: rants, the lost chapter, thoughts and stories, we met on facebook
30 Comments »