it’s that time again…

what to give your girlfriend for christmas:

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•something that shows you’ve been paying attention.

•stuff she needs, but can’t afford.

•stuff she wants, but can’t afford.

•spoil her.

•make her coffee every morning and bring it to her in bed.

•kiss her in PUBLIC! genuine pda is epic. who gives a fuck about what other people may or may not think?

•perfume:

if you hate hers, find one you’re crazy about!

•clothes:

apc

or; j crew, asos, club monaco, topshopnasty gal, barneys, american apparel, everlane.

•purses:

balenciaga

chanel

claire vivier (personally, i’d prefer a monogrammed ‘duffle petit’ bag with tall, skinny ACW initials, obvi – . but that’s just me.)

•lingerie:

la perla, victoria’s secret, calvin klein, kiki of montparnasse, elle macpherson intimates, agent provocateur, whatever!

•flowers:

in REALITY, you should be getting her flowers ALL the time. a single  rose  (red or white) counts! girls never don’t LOVE getting flowers! it’s NOT a cheesy gesture. it makes girls feel spoiled and as if, even though life can be a dream dasher, there is still hope for a romanticized life to become a reality. you can even PICK them! for free! but maybe buy them so your neighbors don’t hate you. your call.

•trips:

Hawaii, nyc, whistler, bora bora, Fiji, Vancouver, venice, rome, berlin, paris, ANYWHERE she’s mentioned she REALLY wants to go!

•hotel rooms

•jewelry:

promise rings, necklaces, etc. Every time she wears it, she’ll think of YOU and her friends will be reminded that HER boyfriend is WAS better & more romantic than THEIR bonehead loser of a boyfriend.

•bath stuff:

fresh, khiels, lush

(bottom line, bath stuff – like lingerie, and anything else that makes her clean, comfortable, and feeling sexy in preparation for fucking you/making love to you, is a GREAT idea!)

•massages

•spa gift certificates

creme de la mer:

the eye concentrate, moisturizing cream

•silk (real silk) pajamas

•passion

•intensity

•take her to the movies

•hold her hand

•dinners

•brunch

•compliment her

•romance

•a lack of complaining

•light candles

•epic sex:

kiss every inch of her, go down on her, squeeze her, grip her waist, grip her hips, squeeze her ass, slap her bum, lick her nipples, suck on her tits, stroke her hair, kiss her neck, stick your tongue in her mouth, drink her cum if you’re lucky enough to make her cum, suck on her puss, caress her, lick her, smell her, fuck her, make love to her, make eye contact, tell her how you feel about her, whisper nasty/sexy/dirty shit in her ear, whisper sweet nothings in her other ear, tell her you love her.

MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

PS:

…and girls, if you’re lucky enough to have a boyfriend who does any of these things from my list… be kind to him. it’s not a one way street! what are you gonna do for HIM? xo

mistletoe is mandatory:




It’s getting closer! Christmas is almost here! can you handle it? I’m so excited too! i waited in line for a half hour and tried to drain as much youth as i could out of all the kids that i cut in line and stood in front of! it’s important to stay young and fresh! now, i meant to post this sooner, and spread this message, but i haven’t had the chance until now: get some fucking mistletoe and bring it wherever you go! you could have started this on December 1st! that’s what i did last year! i went to a club with my friend and there was some dude with mistletoe running around trying to make out with everything in a skirt! who was this guy? my male doppelganger? he was tall and stylish, and i wanted to slap him for breaking the mistletoe out first thing in December/beating me to it! a jealous girl, i stole the mistletoe from him and sat in a dark corner with my best friends….we were chatting, putting on lip gloss, shit talking and surveying the room. to my surprise, i spotted that sexy dude who starred in “the notebook” and “half nelson”! no way!? he’s gorgeous. i was working on another adorable dude….but my friend wasn’t! she was tipsy, which made her easier to suggest stuff to…so i gave her the mistletoe and dared her to hold it over her head and tap r.g. on the shoulder. AND SHE FUCKING DID IT! i will always love her for that! my brave, beautiful, talented friend. he turned around, looked at her, she smiled at him, and he turned right back around to the people he was talking to. I’m pretty sure she was officially mortified. oh well. it was a story. later that night, we were still in the same spot, talking and drinking. as was rg-to his friends, whoever they were. r.g took a seat on the banquet we were sitting on. still with his back to our party. braver and basically over it, my friend flopped over to r.g to regain her sense of dignity. her-“hey, i was only joking! it’s Christmas, lighten up. i was tyring to be flirty.” him-“what do you mean? i gave you my sexy face.” her-“that was your sexy face? you need to go home and work on it buddy, cuz that’s not a sexy face I’ve ever seen.” all i could see was them talking, exchanging numbers, laughing! i can’t remember what she told me they were saying….but i have to end the story here anyway, because this really isn’t my story to tell. the point is, life is exciting and you MUST take chances. if you’re a girl, you can basically get away with anything! ESPECIALLY if you look/are young, dress well, and are good looking! so buy some goddamn mistletoe and get the fuck out there! and hold it over your head! high and proud! and kiss the sexiest, most gorgeous, interesting, appealing  guys you wanna kiss! Merry Christmas!!!



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